Jake and Rosanna and Howard headed south on the subway and Carly and I went north. On the train she grilled me about my relationship with Howard then sighed and said, "He's so cute. I'm jealous."
I smiled. "Nothing to be jealous of. We're really just friends. And I haven't had a relationship for a while, so who knows what'll happen?"
She protested that she did because we were adorable together, then said, "Why no relationship? Aren't there guys in New York?"
The problem wasn't guys in general but the memory of one guy, but of course I wouldn't tell her that. I muttered something about not finding the right one and she said, "Well, maybe he's Howard," then got off the subway at her stop.
The next morning she was even sweeter than the night before. She brought me a box of tea bags because I'd mentioned I wasn't a big fan of the coffee from the machine in the office, and insisted on making me a mug for the staff meeting Rhonda had called to make sure we all knew who was working on what.
Rhonda was delighted to see her so friendly, and everyone else smiled at her too. I felt uncomfortable with the intensity of her attention but I chalked that up to my past and made myself see her the way the others did.
Carly patted Jake on the shoulder. "You want a tea too? You look grouchy."
He shook his head. "I need coffee. Thanks, though. And I'm not grouchy, I'm tired." He sighed. "I spent most of the night trying to work on my sculpture but it still won't cooperate. I'm sick of not being able to move forward."
Carly patted him again, and I felt sorry for him. I was only just starting to be able to move forward myself and I knew how awful it felt to be stuck. Of course, it was his sculpture that was stuck, not his whole life, but that wouldn't feel good either.
Everyone had collected a drink for the meeting and we'd all settled into chairs in the larger of the two conference rooms when Carly said, "Oh, Rhonda, did you remember to call Fred?"
She grimaced. "No, and I'll never hear the end of it if I don't do it now." She raised her eyebrows at Carly. "Weren't you going to remind me before the meeting?"
Carly squeezed her eyes shut. "Sorry." Opening them, she looked sadly at Rhonda. "With the tea thing, it slipped my mind. Sorry. Bad assistant."
Rhonda smiled. "Hardly. No worries, I'll do it right now. Sorry, guys. Ten minutes at the most. Don't talk about me too much while I'm gone."
The sound of her heels had barely faded away down the hardwood hall when Carly said, "Alexa, you're so incredibly brave. Until I looked you up last night I had no idea you'd gone through all that."
Horror flooded me like filthy ice water. I took a breath to speak, although I had no idea what to say, but she went on, plowing over Rosanna and Howard as they asked what she meant and Jake as he said her name in a warning tone. "Kidnapped and raped and--"
"Don't," Jake said, cold and loud, but she ignored him and said, "Tattooed too. My God, I can't imagine how you survived two whole days of that."
The disgust and ghoulish excitement in her voice made my stomach churn.
Jake grabbed her shoulder. "Shut up. Just shut up."
My stomach twisted even more as Rosanna and Howard turned to me. "What's she talking about?" Rosanna said. Howard didn't speak. He just looked hurt that he didn't already know.
"Oh, no," Carly said, her eyes widening. "You didn't tell them? I assumed you would have."
I swallowed to force the bile away and tried to keep my mind from picturing the ink Christophe had left embedded in my thighs. "Why would I? It's in the past." Or at least it would have been, if Carly hadn't told.
Rosanna looked as sick as I felt. "That really happened? All that stuff?"
I stared down at the table, not wanting to see any of their faces, and didn't speak.
"Alexa?" Rosanna laid her hand on the table, next to but not touching mine. "I'm so sorry."
I didn't look at her. I couldn't.
Howard said, "Me too. But how are you handling Mike's book? That must make everything even worse."
Not really. Everything had been bad enough already. I shrugged, then nodded since reading Mike's words had literally made me ill. "But I'll be okay."
"You're so strong," Carly said in a voice like she was afraid her words could shatter me. "I could never survive all that. And the tattooing part just seems--"
"I swear, you had better shut up," Jake said, nearly shouted, and at that moment Rhonda appeared in the doorway and stared at him in shock. "Who had better? What's going on?"
Carly threw her hands over her face. "I didn't know Alexa hadn't told about what happened to her. I was trying to be nice."
Rhonda dropped into her chair beside mine. "Hell." She turned to me. "You okay?"
I nodded once.
"I still don't get this. Somebody tattooed you? Where? Why?"
I couldn't answer Howard. Instead I turned to Rhonda. "Could you tell them? Briefly? No details. And why I'm here instead of in New York?" Might as well get everything out in the open now.
Her eyes soft and sad, she nodded, and I stared at the table again as she said, "Alexa's ex-boyfriend went past being jealous into criminal acts. He did... mark her permanently, as part of that. His trial and conviction were a few weeks ago and Alexa felt that being in Toronto would be easier than continuing to live in New York where they had been together." Then she put her hand on my shoulder. "Did I get that right?"
I nodded, forcing myself not to twitch her hand away. I didn't feel like being touched right now.
Her grip tightened. "Are you okay? Do you want to go home?"
I did appreciate the sympathy in her voice, but I didn't want it. I didn't want to need it. I shook my head. "Let's just have our meeting."
Carly burst into tears. "I'm so sorry. I can't believe I did something so stupid."
Rhonda and Howard comforted her, but when I glanced at Jake he was glaring at her with an "I can't believe you did either" expression that comforted me more than I'd have expected.
Chapter Thirteen
Without a doubt, that was the most awkward staff meeting ever. Poor Rhonda tried to keep everything on topic and focused on work, and I was grateful for her efforts, but whenever she said my name her voice quivered. Rosanna couldn't look at me, Carly kept sniffing as if she was going to start crying again at any moment, and Howard was far quieter than usual. Only Jake seemed to be acting like himself.
I soon discovered I wasn't the only one who noticed that.
The meeting finished shortly before noon. Rhonda left for a lunch meeting and Rosanna immediately said, "Alexa, feel like going out to eat?"
"Sure." I didn't think she was the type to push me for more details, and I didn't mind getting out of the office for a while.
"Okay if I come too?"
Rosanna glanced at Howard then turned to me, awaiting my decision.
I sighed inside. The last time he'd invited himself out for coffee with us she'd agreed without even considering my feelings. I missed that, strangely enough. I so didn't want to return to the 'everyone walks on eggshells around me' feeling I'd had right after the assault and again during the trial. I wanted to be normal. Whatever that was.
"Sure," I said to Howard, and Carly jumped in with, "Where are we going?"
I was less keen on this addition to the group but I didn't get a chance to say no because she was busily inviting Jake to join us. He looked doubtful but I said, doing my best to sound relaxed, "Everyone else is going so you should too."
He gave me a small smile. "Sounds good."
I doubted he still thought so once we'd bought our food and drinks at the small cafe down the road and were settled at a table to eat, because Carly turned to him and said, "Don't you feel bad for Alexa?"
He blinked. "Of course."
Of course. Who wouldn't feel sorry for the poor little victim girl?
Howard answered my unspoken question when he chimed in with, "Only the monster who did all that to her wouldn't feel bad."
I sipped my water so I wouldn't speak, because a little part
of me wanted to defend Christophe and the rest knew I couldn't. I had no idea whether he felt bad or not because we hadn't spoken. Regardless, he'd still done what he'd done. No amount of his sympathy, if it even existed, could change that.
Ignoring Howard, Carly said to Jake, "But you aren't acting like you do. You're not acting any different than normal."
I wanted to say that I appreciated that, since I hated the awkwardness of how the others were treating me, but before I could figure out how to say that in a way that didn't offend the well-meaning others Howard said, "You already knew, didn't you?"
"No," Carly said, "I found out last night."
"Not you. Jake, you were trying to stop Carly telling us."
All eyes at the table turned to Jake, and I saw a flush rise up his neck and turn his cheeks red.
He took a breath, and to my surprise I found myself willing him to say he hadn't known. Admitting the truth wouldn't do anything but make Carly and maybe Howard and Rosanna annoyed with him that he hadn't told, so why--
"I did," Jake said. "I saw coverage of the trial online and I recognized Alexa when we met."
"You've known since her first day here?"
Jake nodded, and Howard shook his head. "And you didn't tell me?"
"Why would I? It's not my story, it's Alexa's, and it's up to her when and if she tells."
"But we're dating," Howard said. "I should have known."
Were we dating? I hadn't thought so. We'd had a few outings and a few kisses. That was all. I wasn't ready for more.
But I wouldn't argue with him about our status here. I had more important things to say. "I didn't want you to know," I said before Jake could answer. "I didn't want anyone to. It wouldn't make a difference."
"Of course it would," Carly said. "Everyone would know to treat you differently, more nicely." She shot a glance at Jake. "Most people would, anyhow."
"I don't think she needs to be treated differently," Jake said.
Carly dropped her soup spoon to her tray with a clatter. "How could you not? All those terrible things happened, and you probably know about them more than most because you read about it."
When she said "more than most" I saw Jake stiffen in his chair and realized he was thinking she knew about his assault charge. He relaxed when she finished the sentence, and I felt the purest sympathy for him I'd felt since he'd told me what he'd allegedly done. He too lived with the fear of others finding out about his past. Of course, he was possibly a criminal and I was a victim, but the fear would be the same.
Carly went on. "So of course she needs to be treated differently. Gently."
I shook my head and Jake said, "I think everyone deserves to be treated well. Everybody's got a story, and so everybody should be--"
"But Alexa's is so awful," Carly said, cutting him off. "It's different."
Jake glanced at me then said, "I may be wrong, and if I am I hope Alexa will tell me, but it seems to me that letting her be normal is the best way to treat her."
Carly again tried to protest but I cut her off this time. "You're not wrong." I swallowed hard. "I do appreciate the sympathy but I really want to forget about it all and move on."
"But you can't do that if he tattooed you," Carly said, not seeming to realize how little that helped. "Why'd he do that, anyhow?"
"And where?" Howard looked at me. "I haven't seen them."
I didn't like his emphasis, as if hinting that he'd seen more of me than anyone else on staff. "Nobody has. Except the doctors and cops and the court."
"And your ex, of course."
We all turned to Carly at once, and she blushed. "Sorry. I didn't mean to say that."
"So where are your tattoos, and what are they?"
"They're not mine," I said to Howard. "They're just on me. I don't even like tattoos." I sighed, figuring the best way out of this was to answer their questions so they wouldn't keep asking. "That's why he did it. Partly, anyhow. He wanted us to get each other's names tattooed on us, and I wouldn't do it, so he..." I glanced around the group, and when my eyes met Jake's I was able to say, "He drugged me and tattooed me," because I knew he already knew and because I could see the support and sympathy in his eyes.
"Put his name on you? That's not so bad. Where?"
Before I could come up with an answer that made it clear it was so bad without giving away what he'd really done, Rosanna said, "Howard, God, you're an idiot. He did it without her permission. He drugged her, so he obviously knew she didn't want it. Doesn't matter if it's his name or just a dot, if she didn't want it then it is so bad. Plus, he didn't just do the tattoo, he did other stuff too. And you can't just do what you want to someone. It's wrong."
While I wouldn't have expected her to approve of Christophe's actions the sudden heat of the furious passion in her voice surprised me, and it seemed to surprise her as well because she dropped her head and began sipping from her drink's straw as if her life depended on it.
After a brief silence, Carly said, "So is it just his name? The article I found didn't say anything about what he put on you."
Not a surprise, because I'd seen first the cops and then the doctors exchange glances that clearly formed a silent agreement not to spread the details around. Since the tattoo supplies found at the crime scene had been part of the evidence against Christophe everyone did know I'd been inked but on the day the tattoo photos were shown in court the judge had cleared the courtroom so only the jury and lawyers would see them because to do otherwise would "further damage Ms. Ryder".
The judge had obviously shared the opinion of everyone else who'd seen the tattoos: Christophe had marked me for life and I would never be the same.
"Why don't you show us? Then we'll stop bugging you."
Carly's tone was joking but I wasn't amused in the slightest. "Not a chance. Don't ever ask me that again."
She recoiled, dramatically, as if I'd slapped her. "Okay, geez, sorry. I just thought--"
"No, you didn't," Jake said. "Obviously, or you wouldn't have asked."
She glared at him, then a thought seemed to strike her. "Do you know what they are? You knew all about it, so maybe you know where and what."
The location of the tattoos hadn't been much of a secret, so whatever Carly had read hadn't been too thorough. Jake, though, almost certainly did know the location, and maybe even more, and I cringed inside. I didn't want him to tell them.
"I don't know exactly what but I do know where," Jake said, as I'd expected, but then surprised me. "But I won't tell you."
She blinked, shocked. "Why not?"
"Like I said before, it's Alexa's story, not mine."
"Then why even tell us you know?" Howard burst out. "I'm dating her, and I don't know. If you do, I certainly should."
"I don't think I should know," Jake said. "I just do. And I'm keeping it to myself."
Carly echoed Howard. "Then why tell us you know?"
Jake looked down at his empty plate and didn't answer. I wished he would. I wondered the same thing. He'd made his life more difficult by admitting the truth, and he hadn't needed to. I certainly wouldn't have told the group he knew, after all.
Howard slid his arm around my shoulder. "We'll talk after work. You can tell me then."
Anger flared through me and I shrugged him off. "I can tell you when and if I decide to. Does it not occur to you that it might be kind of painful to discuss it?"
Howard blinked, then he frowned. "I thought telling me would make it better," he said, turning in his chair to face me directly. "I guess I was wrong." He reached out and gently brushed his hand over my hair. "I'm sorry. Tell me when and if you decide to, and until then I'll just be as nice to you as I can."
I thought he was genuinely sorry but I wasn't sure, and I hated how bad I was at reading people. Still, he was waiting for a response and I wanted to believe him so I nodded, and he leaned in and kissed my cheek.
Rosanna cleared her throat and asked what everyone was up to that evening, and we began chatting m
ore casually. I liked it, but whenever she and Howard looked at me I still saw the over-done compassion in their eyes and I hated it even though it came from a good place.
I'd wanted to put it all behind me but it was time to accept the truth: that would never happen. I'd be facing it forever. Not just because of the tattoos that meant I had to hide my legs, but because there'd always be people finding out who I was and articles written on anniversaries of the assault and trial and a flood of news reports and commentaries if Christophe ever applied for parole.
Lance had said as much in his last email, reminding me that people would always be talking about me so why didn't I do the talking first? I'd deleted the message without answering. He was persistent, but at the moment I just wasn't ready to let my story be told.
We finished eating and left the cafe. Rosanna held the door for us all, and as I followed the others past her she touched my shoulder.
I stopped, and she leaned in to whisper into my ear.
I expected another burst of sympathy, but instead she said, "Nothing like what happened to you but I was raped in university. Guy grabbed me getting off a bus. It never goes away, but it does... you end up being able to live with it. You do eventually move on."
Her sympathy, and her outrage with Howard over the tattoo thing, made even more sense now, and her relationship with Todd was even more inspirational. I'd had no idea anything bad had happened to her. She'd moved on from something horrible into a great life, and maybe someday I could too. "Thanks." I bit my lip. "And I'm sorry that happened to you."
She gave me a sad smile. "Same to you."
*****
Back at the office I settled into reading, and struggling with, Mike's newest revision of his book's early chapters. It didn't make me throw up any more, since I'd already read it once so the horrors didn't shock me as much, but it was still so hard to read. The glee with which his evil protagonist attacked his victims bothered me immensely, and though I knew it was just fiction it made me see Mike differently. Someone who could write like this wasn't someone safe, and yet I had felt comfortable with him when we met. It worried me. How would I ever know who to trust?
Toronto Collection Volume 3 (Toronto Series #10-13) Page 59
