Howard stopped by my desk after about an hour, managing to interrupt me at an awkward spot, to see how I was doing. Now that he'd told the other staff we were dating he seemed to think there was no reason to be subtle any more, so he wrapped his arm around me and kissed my cheek. Nobody seemed to notice, or care, but I didn't feel comfortable with it. I knew he was just trying to be nice, though, and to make me feel better, and so I tried to relax and let it work as he'd intended.
Rosanna had skittered away after telling me she'd been raped too, and we hadn't spoken all afternoon but I still felt like we'd connected. Part of an unfortunately not-so-exclusive club. I didn't know whether we'd discuss it more later, and I wasn't even sure if I wanted to. Maybe we were both better leaving it in the past.
She and Jake were working away in the big conference room, laying out art photographs on the long table so they could find the best ones for their current project, and I found myself wishing I was the one working with him. Then I could casually ask the question I so wanted answered.
Why had he admitted knowing about me?
He hadn't done it in a 'look at me, I know more than you' bragging sort of way. He'd been matter-of-fact and calm, but he had to have known that the others would comment on his knowledge. He could have kept it to himself and nobody would have been the wiser. I couldn't understand why he'd done it, and it nagged at me.
Mid-afternoon Carly said, "Anyone want to go out for coffee?"
Rhonda, from her office, said, "I'm in."
"Me too." Howard pushed back his chair and came to my desk. "Alexa?"
I was right in the middle of a tricky passage so I passed. He brushed his hand over my hair and said he'd bring me back a tea.
"No, I will," Carly said. "To apologize for what I did this morning." She gave me a sad smile. "I should never have told them about what happened to you, about all that horrible stuff. I'm really sorry."
Part of me didn't want to forgive her. No, she shouldn't have told them. Like Jake said, it wasn't her story. But she and Howard and Rhonda were watching me and waiting, and she did seem sincere, so I nodded and said, "It's okay."
She smiled, relief clear in her eyes. "Thanks. Two sugars in the tea, right?"
"You got it."
Howard called down the hall, "Rosanna, Jake, coffee?"
Rosanna appeared. "I'm in. Need to give my eyes a break. Jake is staying here."
They all left, and I sat at my desk trying to decide if I wanted to take this sudden opportunity to talk to Jake alone. I did wonder why he'd been so open about what he knew, but discussing it might be awkward.
But not knowing was interfering with my work, so I pushed back my chair and walked to the conference room. As I reached out to knock on the closed door, it swung open and I gasped and stumbled back to get out of its path.
Jake caught my arm to steady me, then let me go as soon as I'd found my feet again. "Sorry about that. I thought everyone had left."
I shook my head and said, "I stayed," then gave him a sheepish smile. "Obviously. Duh."
He smiled back, but it faded fast. "I... Alexa, I've been thinking. Was I right at lunch? Am I treating you okay?"
I nodded. "It makes me feel less... broken... when people don't treat me like I'm coming apart."
His eyes were soft. "You're not broken. But I get it. It's no fun when people treat you differently after they learn something about you."
A shiver swept me even before I said, "About your charge, you mean?"
His nod confirmed what my shiver had realized.
"You told people?" I would have thought he'd have kept it quiet.
He shrugged. "Rhonda found out from that police check. She believes me that I didn't do anything intentionally, so we're okay. I told one person. A few years ago. And then you, of course."
"The other person... did it go well?"
He gave me a wry smile. "Not so much. Although I didn't really tell, I guess. Her husband told and I confirmed and..." He shook his head. "And since you and I don't hang around and chat you came over here for a reason, and I assume it wasn't to hear my life story. What's up?"
I was actually interested in hearing his life story now, why the only other person he'd told was a married woman and how her husband was involved, but I knew I didn't have long before the others came back so I took a deep breath and said, "Why did you tell everyone at lunch you knew about me?"
He blinked. "Did I give away too much detail? I was trying to make sure I didn't."
I sighed inside at this confirmation that he knew more than he'd told but tried not to show it. "You didn't. No, I just wondered why you admitted it at all. You could have told them you didn't know and they'd have believed you."
He leaned against the door frame. "Yeah, but you would have known I was lying. I told you before, the first day you were here, that you could trust me, so I had to tell the truth."
His tone made it sound like the simplest thing on the planet, like he couldn't have done anything but what he did, but I knew it wasn't. "Even though they got annoyed with you?"
He shrugged. "I can handle a little annoyance." His gaze dropped to his feet. "I can't handle the idea of making things tougher on you."
I could have said that his honesty or lack thereof wouldn't change anything for me, but then I'd have been the one lying. It did help. It made me feel like I could trust him. "Jake, did you assault that woman?"
He looked at me, his eyes sad but calm. "I would never knowingly force a woman into anything. If she said no, I genuinely didn't realize it." The calm vanished and the sadness took over. "I wish I knew for sure."
I'd always known 'believe' was a verb, but I understood why now. I could feel something inside me working to believe him, and it was starting to succeed. Though I still wasn't positive I should, I was beginning to trust him.
I nodded, and he nodded back, and I was about to turn away when I heard the others returning to the office and Rosanna's heels clicking toward us. "Thanks," I murmured.
"Ask as often as you need to," he replied softly, then Rosanna reached us. "Got your coffee, Jake," she said, smiling at him then at me. "Ready to get back to work?"
"Sure. Sorry, Alexa, my slave driver's back."
"Well, at least she brought you coffee."
"Yeah," Rosanna said, handing it to him. "I like to keep my slaves caffeinated."
We all laughed and they went into the conference room and Jake shut the door behind them with one last sad smile back at me.
I returned to my desk, thanked Carly for the tea, and tried to work, but I found it hard to stay focused because despite myself I was feeling for Jake. He was so sincere when he claimed he hadn't thought the woman was saying no, and if he really hadn't known then what he'd thought was consensual had ended up just as much a nightmare for him as for her.
Chapter Fourteen
Thursday night Howard stood behind me as I unlocked my apartment door. We'd tried to go out for dinner but the restaurant he'd chosen had been far too busy. Not wanting to wait two hours to eat, we'd instead decided to order pizza at my place. At least, he'd suggested it and I'd agreed.
I didn't think he understood what a big step it was for me, letting him be there. He'd smiled and said he was excited to meet Stella but I didn't think it had even crossed his mind that I hadn't let myself be alone in an apartment with a man since the assault. I had wanted to tell him I didn't think we were actually "dating", but I'd decided not to bother making things awkward. He wasn't pushing me into anything I couldn't do, so what was the point?
Stella took one look at him when I opened the door and bolted for the safe zone under the bed.
"She's still nervous?"
"Not so much with me any more," I said, locking the door behind us. "But she's not sure about new people."
"Just like her mommy," Howard said, and pulled me close to kiss me.
I let him, and even kissed him back, but as always I couldn't stick with it for long. I did like him, but the moment I s
tarted to feel any level of arousal something in me panicked and I had to pull away.
Howard noticed, of course, but he didn't say anything. Not then, anyhow. But once we'd ordered pizza and were snuggled up on the couch, he began kissing me again, and this time when I withdrew he said, "Am I doing something wrong?"
I dropped my head onto his shoulder and sighed. "Not at all. I just... can't."
He wrapped his arm around me. "But it's not me? I'll do anything you want. You know that, right?"
I'd have to. He'd done nothing but tell me since Carly revealed my past. He sent me flowers at the office Wednesday with a note saying, "I'm always here for you," then took me out for lunch and asked me so many questions about how he could support me that I eventually had to say the best way would be to stop talking about it. Today I found a silver necklace with a letter A pendant lying on my desk when I arrived and when I looked at him he came over and whispered that it was both for my name and because I was amazing. I'd worn it all day, though I still didn't like the feel of a chain around my throat, because it had been sweet of him.
All of his actions had been sweet, and I did appreciate them, but I was starting to feel sugar shock coming on.
"But what do you want?" Part of what I'd liked about Howard was how strong and assured he'd been, and this sucking-up version of him didn't appeal. That felt wrong, though, because he was only being this way to try to help me.
"I want you to be happy," he said, as if he could hear my thoughts. "To be happy and to be able to move on."
I sighed. "I wish I could."
"Do you... like it at all when I kiss you?"
I looked up at him, startled. "Of course."
He smiled. "Good. I definitely do. But you keep pulling away so I didn't know."
I gave an even bigger sigh and cuddled back into him. "I do like it. And I wish I could move forward instead of away. I want that. Trust me."
His lips brushed over my hair. "Well, if you ever do feel like going a little further physically I am happy to oblige."
I smiled at his formal phrasing. "Good to know."
"I'm not trying to pressure you, of course. Just thought you should know."
"Got it."
He squeezed me and said, his tone joking, "It's been months since I went anywhere physically so what's a little more time?"
His words stung but I knew he didn't mean them as a complaint, so I used his same joking tone when I said, "Try two years, buddy, then we'll talk."
He pulled back and looked at me, his eyes full of surprise. "Two years? It's been that long for you?"
I blinked. "Of course. Last time was... well, was with my ex, if you know what I mean. And I don't think that counts." I certainly hadn't enjoyed it.
He frowned, clearly still surprised. "I just assumed there'd been others since. That was so long ago."
His words and his lack of understanding annoyed me, and I pulled completely away from him and sat on the couch without touching him. "Yeah, well, I haven't exactly been in the mood."
He rubbed his hand over his forehead. "I'm doing a terrible job here, aren't I? I don't mean that the way it sounded. Of course it all still bothers you. How could it not? I just meant, you're so pretty and smart and much fun to be with, I can't believe nobody's been after you."
I didn't know if they'd been after me or not. I hadn't been looking. For me, sex only worked when I felt completely relaxed and sure of the man I was with, and I hadn't been anywhere near able to feel that way since the assault. I wasn't sure I ever would again. Not only that, but I couldn't imagine a man seeing my body and what Christophe had done to it and still wanting me, and you can't always make love in the dark.
Howard took my hand. "Is that any better? I'm still not saying it right."
Touched by his earnestness, and knowing he hadn't meant to hurt me, I smiled. "Tell me more about how pretty I am."
He laughed and pulled me close again and flattered me ridiculously until the pizza arrived.
Lured by the scent, Stella came creeping out of the bedroom. I was about to tell Howard to wait until she reached us but he jumped up and took several quick steps toward her.
Unsurprisingly, she panicked and bolted away again.
He sat back down, shaking his head. "I just wanted to pat her a little. Guess she's not open to that yet."
I agreed, and as we began to eat I realized he'd been right earlier. Stella was just like her mommy.
Chapter Fifteen
When Mike walked into the office Friday morning, Jake and Rosanna and Howard and Carly turned in unison to look at him.
He blinked. "Hi, guys. Happy Friday."
Jake smiled and said, "TGIF, right?" then went back to his work, and Rosanna looked away without speaking, but Howard kept staring at him and Carly was actually glaring.
Mike turned to me. "Am I interrupting something?"
I shook my head. "Why?"
His eyes flicked toward Carly then back at me. "No reason. Ready to see the changes I've made to the book?"
Before I could lie and say I was, Carly said, "Your book?"
Mike frowned. "What other book would I want to show her?"
"None," I said quickly. "Let's go."
We did, and as I closed the conference room door behind us I heard Jake say, "Carly, come on," and her response of "What? I'm just trying to help."
I hoped Mike hadn't heard, but when we sat down across from each other he didn't pull out the manuscript. "Alexa, what's going on?"
Cursing Carly, I said, "Nothing. Let's get to work."
Still no book appeared. "I really need to trust you to work with you, and that's hard to do when you're clearly not telling me the truth."
He said it matter-of-factly, but I heard the pain behind the words and I couldn't lie to him any more. How could I of all people not recognize the importance of being able to trust? But I didn't want or need to tell him the whole truth either. "It came up this week that I have found parts of your book very hard to handle. I think Carly was trying to protect me from having to deal with those." In her annoying way, without being asked to do so.
"The violence, I assume?"
I nodded. "You write really well and I think that makes it worse," I admitted. "It just seems so real."
I thought he'd smile at the compliment, but he only nodded and said, "I worked hard at that."
I'd known he had, of course, but the mental image of him carefully polishing those awful descriptions of abuse became suddenly terribly vivid. What kind of person could stand to look at such words for so long?
That question bothered me even more than the book, along with a related one: what kind of person could actually feel comfortable with him? I still did, even now, and that frightened me.
When I didn't speak, he cleared his throat. "Alexa, I like working with you, and I love the suggestions you've made so far, but if this is too hard for you I can ask Rhonda to transfer me to another editor. I don't want to make you suffer."
Like he'd made his characters suffer.
Part of me longed to jump at his offer and never have to read his book again, but I felt sure I'd regret that. His book was shocking but brilliant and I knew it was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for any editor. Giving it up would be a bad career move. But would keeping it be bad for me personally?
I wanted to move forward, and part of that was accepting that there were dark things in the world. Hiding under the bed like Stella wouldn't make those things go away and it wouldn't help me learn to cope with them.
"I appreciate the offer, but no," I said, then smiled at his obvious happiness. "I like working with you too, so how about we get started?"
He pulled out the manuscript and we set to it. With each reading I found the violence less sickening but it still bothered me, and now I had to hide how I felt because Mike was watching me for signs of distress.
He'd changed the weapon in the final scene we looked at, from a club to a gun. I'd made the suggestion myself and still thou
ght it improved the book, but instead of Mike's character wielding the gun I saw Christophe wielding his, and Mike's excellent writing made it feel all too real.
I managed to get through the scene, but I was sweating and shaking and Mike noticed. "Alexa, are you sure you don't want me to talk to Rhonda?"
I nodded fiercely. "It'll be okay."
It would be. Once I stopped picturing my ex threatening to kill me or himself.
*****
Mike didn't talk to Rhonda. I saw him out, and on the front steps of the building he asked me once more if I wanted him to and I promised him that if I ever needed to escape his book I would tell him but until then I didn't want anything to change. He smiled and promised he wouldn't go behind my back, and I believed him.
He didn't talk to her.
But somebody must have, because at our 'summing up the week' meeting that afternoon she finished all the usual business then asked something unusual. "Now. Is there anyone who's not comfortable with their books?"
I didn't speak, and nobody else did either, until Jake cleared his throat and said, "I guess we're all fine then. Meeting adjourned, boss?"
"Not quite," she said, then turned to me though I was willing her not to. "I'm worried about you with Mike's book. I should have thought of... your history and how his work might affect you. If you would rather hand it off, I understand and am completely fine with that."
"I'd be happy to take it over," Carly said at once. "I couldn't live with myself if I left you to deal with it, Alexa."
Realization exploded in me. That had been her goal all along. Telling the others about me, making sure Mike knew I was uncomfortable... she'd been plotting against me. No doubt she'd put Rhonda up to having this conversation.
I took a breath, preparing myself to tell her exactly what I thought of her sneaky double-crossing behavior, but Rhonda spoke first. "Sweet of you, Carly," she said, sincere where I would have been sarcastic, "but I am the boss and I would decide where the book goes. And it would go to Howard, since he's the other crime editor on staff."
Carly smiled, and try though I did I couldn't see anything but understanding on her face. "Of course. Sorry, I was just trying to help, but you're right that it'll go to Howard."
Toronto Collection Volume 3 (Toronto Series #10-13) Page 60
