Toronto Collection Volume 3 (Toronto Series #10-13)

by Heather Wardell

  He drew back and wiped his eyes on his sleeve. "I don't know. I'm sorry to bug you, I got so scared."

  "You're not a bug at all," I said. "Should I go knock on the door, do you think?" I wasn't sure I wanted to, but maybe I should.

  As Zack considered this, the decision was taken out of our hands.

  A miserable-looking John, wearing nothing but a rather small white towel wrapped rather low around his hips, stepped out of the bathroom.

  He stared at me. "Angela? What's--"

  Zack burst into tears again.

  John took two quick steps forward, and I shut my eyes as his towel began to give way.

  "I-- Angela, is he okay?"

  "I think so," I said, staring intently at the insides of my eyelids. "He's worried about you, though."

  John muttered something that sounded like the kind of word he wouldn't want Zack saying. "Okay. I... can you stay here for a minute while I get dressed? I can't handle this in a towel."

  "Of course."

  I heard him hurrying away, and Zack threw himself on me again. He was crying too hard now to tell me anything, not that he'd told me much even when he wasn't crying, so I didn't do anything but hold him tight and tell him he was awesome and everything would be fine.

  "Zack," John said softly after a few moments, and I looked up to see him wearing a black t-shirt that was faded to grey and ripped blue jeans and the saddest expression I'd ever seen. "Zack, it's okay."

  Zack pulled away from me and turned on him. "It's not! I said... and I made you... I'm horrible."

  "You're not," John and I said in unison.

  Zack took a deep breath and put his shoulders back. "I am. You work so hard, such crappy hours, because of me, and to thank you I bitch about some stupid trip. If you didn't have me your life would be great."

  My heart skipped a beat and fell painfully back into my chest, and John said, "If I didn't have you I'd have nothing to live for," with such passion that I could barely breathe.

  "But you could work during the day," Zack went on, hardly seeming to hear his dad. "You could work normal hours. It's because of me your life sucks."

  Zack turned back to me, crying again, and I pulled him into my arms at once. My eyes met John's over Zack's shoulder and I saw his again fill with the tears he'd been shedding in the bathroom before he took a long deep breath and said, loudly enough to be heard over Zack's sobs, "I don't work nights because of you."

  Zack turned in my arms but didn't draw himself out of my embrace. "No?"

  John shook his head. "I haven't told you why, why your mom and I split and why I have to work nights, and I should have." He swallowed hard. "I owe you an apology, Zack. Big time. You deserve to know the truth."

  "Tell me." Zack sounded more like a man than he ever had before, but he was still leaning against me for support and hadn't tried to get away from my hold on him.

  John sighed. "Zack, I used to gamble. Way too much. I didn't feel like my life was good enough and I was trying to make it more exciting. And one night I screwed up and..." He swallowed again. "I owed fifty thousand dollars before I knew it. Your mom was furious, as she should have been, and that's why we divorced. And I switched to working nights because I can make more money that way. I need to, so I can pay off the debt faster."

  I was certain Zack's next words would be, "So you and Mom can get back together," but he surprised me with, "So you won't owe anybody anything."

  John nodded. "Exactly."

  Zack swiped at his eyes. "Then why were you crying?" He glanced at me and said to John, "I told her. I'm sorry, I was scared."

  John shook his head. "Nothing to be sorry about. It's okay to cry when things are really bad. And I felt like they were."

  "Because of what I asked," Zack said softly.

  My throat tightened at the pain in his voice, and John sounded strangled too when he said, "You had every right to ask it. No, I felt awful because I can't give it to you. I just..." He sighed. "I can't afford it. I really am sorry."

  Zack glanced at me, and I half-expected him to ask me to pay for whatever it was, but instead he lowered his head and stared at the floor. "I thought..." He sniffled. "I thought you got divorced because of me. Because you and Mom didn't want to have kids. I've always thought I screwed you guys up."

  The pain in Zack's voice made me pull him closer, and he leaned hard into me for a moment then eased himself away to stand on his own. "That's true, right? You didn't want kids. I heard Aunt Elaine say I was an accident when I was like six, and I never forgot."

  A sick shock snapped through me. What a horrible thing for him to have carried with him all these years.

  John's expression told me he was considering doing significant harm to Aunt Elaine, but he said, "We weren't planning to have kids. That part is true. So, yes, you were a surprise. But not an accident. Not at all. An accident is a bad thing and you are amazing. Once your mom and I got over our surprise we were thrilled. Trust me. It's not the life we expected to have but neither of us would have wanted it any other way."

  Zack stood silent, then took a step toward John. John immediately moved forward and opened his arms to him, and they met and hugged each other hard. I could hear John murmuring something and Zack answering, but I couldn't hear their words and I was glad. It was between them.

  After a few moments John drew back and said, "Okay? Are we cool?"

  Zack said, "Yeah," in a soft voice. Then he raised his chin and said, "Well, I'm cool. You? Not so much."

  John grinned and slapped him on the back. "There's the monster I know and love. Now get to bed, would you?"

  Zack nodded, then threw himself back on John. They hugged again, then Zack turned to me and held out his arms. I hugged him and he whispered, "Thank you for answering the phone."

  I squeezed him harder. "Any time, buddy."

  We released each other and Zack said, "Good night." John and I echoed it, and he disappeared into his room.

  John and I stood silent for a moment, then he said, "Can you stay for a bit?" in the most exhausted voice I'd ever heard.

  "Of course." I couldn't leave him alone after something like that, and knowing he wanted me to stay felt good.

  We dropped side-by-side on the couch with matching sighs, then smiled at each other. He sobered immediately, though. "What a mess. Not that I ever feel like a great father, but having to say no to him for something I know he should have? Brutal."

  I nodded and murmured, "I'm sorry."

  He glanced at me, then seemed to relax against the couch. "I know you are. And it helps. I'm sorry the kid woke you up."

  "I wasn't sleeping," I admitted, feeling my cheeks going pink though I tried to control them.

  John's neck turned red. "Ah." He leaned closer and breathed, "Shane?"

  His quiet voice surprised me, but then I realized Zack might well be listening in. I nodded, and John said in the same soft voice, "Then thank you even more. I guess you need to go back to him?"

  I shook my head and mouthed, "He left."

  "Oh."

  "Yeah."

  We sat in awkward silence for a moment before he cleared his throat and said at a usual volume, "Can I tell you what was going on?"

  "Of course."

  He shook his head slowly. "I hate this, you know. I really do. Zack's class is going to Quebec City, and of course he wants to go too. He should go. But..." He shrugged.

  I didn't need him to finish the sentence. I knew he had no money to spare. I longed to ask him how much the trip cost, but I knew he didn't want me to, so instead I said, "That's rough. He was upset, I guess?"

  John's smile was weary. "He said he hated me. Typical teenager stuff, I guess. I remember saying it to my dad. But I had no idea it hurts so much to have your son say that to you."

  I put my hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry. But if it's any consolation I know he feels terrible about it. He kept saying he made you cry, and it made him cry harder every time."

  John gave me a twisted smile
. "It wasn't just him, although it didn't help. These days I do that at least once a week. Zack just never heard me the other times."

  I had no idea what to say to that, so I squeezed his shoulder and tried to put all the sympathy I felt into the gesture.

  He reached up and put his hand over mine. "It's all my fault, and that's the worst part. If I hadn't been an idiot over money, Zack wouldn't be suffering now. Tiff paid the two hundred dollar deposit back in November, but now I owe the final five hundred and... well, I can understand why he hates me."

  He didn't say, "I hate me too," but his eyes told me he did, and it hurt to see it.

  A small sound, like something falling over onto carpet, drifted down the hall from Zack's room. I glanced in that direction then turned back to John and raised my eyebrows. He nodded and tapped his ear.

  I nodded back. The kid was indeed listening in.

  A pizza flyer lay atop a pile of papers on the coffee table in front of us, and I picked it up then flipped it over to its blank side and mimed writing on it. John fumbled through the rest of the papers until he found an pen and held it out to me.

  I took it and wrote, "You know I'd do it as a present, right?

  John had read the words as I wrote them and was nodding as I finished. "I know there are... other options for the money, let's say," he said out loud. "Believe me, I've considered them all. But I hate the idea of Zack getting handed everything he wants. He has to recognize the value of hard work. He had been saving for part of the trip but then bought himself two new video games instead, so rewarding him with the trip feels wrong."

  I nodded, and John scooped up the pen and began writing. When he turned the paper so I could read his new note, I saw, "But I remember my trip to Quebec City like it was yesterday. Best part of my school experience. So I want Zack to have that too. Which leaves me torn."

  And crying in the bathroom. But he had a point. Zack probably should suffer the consequences of spending his savings before the trip. But it wasn't like he could just take a trip with his grade eight class another time. Some opportunities only knock once.

  I went around and around in my head, while John sat silently beside me, then a thought struck me and I wrote, "What if I hired him?"

  John raised his eyebrows at me when he'd read this and mouthed, "For what?"

  I scribbled, "Bonsai?"

  John tipped his head from side to side.

  "As far as trips go," I said, realizing his concern, "I almost never go anywhere. Which I guess is good because you and Zack don't need to babysit my trees often."

  John nodded, smiling with more warmth and happiness than I'd seen from him in ages. "That's exactly right."

  He took the pen from me and wrote, "But if we can think of something I like that idea. Make him work for it."

  It would be the best of both worlds. He'd get the trip but would also put in some effort to make it happen. Too many of my letters were from people who just wanted a handout without--

  Letters. I knew exactly what he could do, and it would actually be useful. I snatched the pen back. "I need a secretary type," I wrote, excitement making my handwriting even messier than usual. "He could open the envelopes from all the letters, get the letters unfolded and ready to read, maybe even pre-sort to get rid of the worst ones. I'm way behind on the mail, so it would be great. What do you think?"

  John stared at the paper a lot longer than it would have taken him to read my idea, then he raised his head and smiled at me. "You're brilliant," he mouthed.

  While I was still glowing from the compliment and the warmth in his eyes, he said, at a normal speaking volume, "Zack, come on out here."

  The sound of shuffling feet in the hallway made us burst out laughing.

  "How did you know?" Zack, blushing but smiling, said when he appeared in the living room.

  "I'm your dad, monster, I always know. Okay, sit down. We have an idea. Well, Angela has it, and I agree with it."

  Zack settled onto the end of the couch facing us and sat looking hopeful but worried. His expression touched me, so I didn't keep him in suspense. "I need someone to open the four boxes of mail I've got upstairs."

  Before I could go on, John chuckled. "There's that much of it? You are behind."

  I smiled at him. "I haven't felt like taking care of it the last few weeks. It's not the same without you."

  He smiled back, then I reluctantly returned my attention to Zack. I loved the kid and didn't want to torment him, but getting back to my former easy relationship with John felt so good I just wanted to bask in it.

  "Zack, I want you to open each of them, unfold the letters so they're easier to read, and sort them into ones you think are reasonable and ones that aren't. If you do all of them, in the next..." I looked at John. "Three weeks? Two?"

  "Two sounds good to me, and it works with the school's schedule."

  I nodded. "Two weeks," I said to Zack, "then I will pay you five hundred dollars and you can go on your trip."

  Zack froze, and for a sickening moment I thought he'd say he didn't want to work for it. Then he began babbling and I realized he'd been too happy to speak.

  "I'll do it, of course I will. I'll do it in one week. Tonight, if you want. Thank you so much, Angela. And you, Dad, for saying yes. Thank you. I'll do all the letters. Where are they? I'll do them right now."

  I giggled, and John said, "Um, no, you will not. It's nearly one o'clock. You will go to bed." He turned to me. "I'm sure you're exhausted too."

  "You know, I probably should be, but I'm not," I said, surprised.

  Zack looked back and forth between us. "Why don't we all stay up all night? Have a Dad night?"

  My surprise deepened. "You stay up all night when you're not working?"

  John nodded. "It's easier than getting out of my routine and then getting back into it."

  But it meant he was always on the opposite schedule from everyone he knew. "So what do you do all night by yourself?"

  He smiled, his eyes shy. "Want to find out?"

  "I've never stayed up all night," I admitted, feeling unusually awkward with him but liking it somehow, "so yes."

  Zack clapped his hands. "Me too! Right?"

  "If you can manage it, sure. It's not a school night."

  "Awesome." To me, Zack added, "Want me to start the letters now?"

  I shook my head, smiling at him. "I don't think that's what your dad does overnight, so we won't either."

  John laughed. "Yeah, I sit here all night opening letters. I'm a party animal."

  "But I should start them soon," Zack said, his forehead furrowing. "I want to do them in one week."

  "That fast might deserve a bonus," I said, then winced at my impulsiveness. "IF your dad is okay with it, of course."

  "It's a business transaction between the two of you," John said. "If you decide to pay him a bonus, assuming he does something to deserve it, I'm fine with that."

  I smiled at him. "Okay. Zack, it's five hundred if you're done in two weeks. Fourteen days from today, which is now Saturday since it's after midnight. For every day you're early, I will add twenty-five bucks. Deal?"

  Zack's eyes widened. "Deal. Please can I start now?"

  John chuckled. "He's begging to work. I love it. Angela, can we go down and get the letters?"

  We did, and Zack did work studiously for about half an hour, but John and I were playing video games and he couldn't resist joining us at that point.

  John led us through his typical night. He made coffee for us, and let Zack have his first-ever cup. It was more milk than coffee, but I saw how happy Zack was to try it and it was adorable. Fueled by caffeine, we played games until three in the morning, although we didn't have to have the volume on silent the way he usually did to avoid waking Zack, then John turned on the science fiction channel and we watched a hopelessly cheesy movie about zombie robots trying to take over the world and vampire robots trying to stop them.

  "How would a robot even become a zombie?" Zack said throu
gh a yawn when the movie was over. "They never explained that."

  "Didn't explain the vampire robots either," I said. "Some things just can't be explained."

  "Yeah." Zack leaned back against the couch and closed his eyes. "It's like Santa Claus. It's not the same thing once you know it's your dad in a beard."

  John and I laughed, and Zack smiled but didn't open his eyes.

  "So now what?" John said softly to me.

  "What would you do now?"

  He shrugged. "More video games probably. Definitely more coffee. I'm usually by myself but--"

  We fought back laughter at the snore from Zack that had interrupted his sentence.

  "I think it's just us for the rest of the night," John said. "He did well, though."

  "Definitely." I studied the sleeping beauty. "He's such a good kid, John."

  "Yeah, I like him."

  We smiled at each other then fell silent for several moments, then John cleared his throat and said, "It's forty-two."

  I blinked. "Pardon?"

  "That's what I owe now. Just under forty-two thousand dollars." He shook his head. "I'm tired of hiding it from you. It is going down, but Zack's life is getting more expensive and more than half the time lately I haven't been able to pay more than the minimum monthly payment so most of what I give them goes to interest instead of the principal."

  I'd never wanted to give away forty-two thousand dollars so badly, but I said, "You'll get it done. I have faith in you."

  He sat frozen for a second, then cleared his throat again. "That is the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me."

  "Yeah, well, I mean it."

  We grinned at each other, then kept talking, and for the next two hours we barely paused to draw breath.

  I told him how difficult I found it to look at my newly reduced bank balance after buying the building, so much more difficult than I'd have expected given how much money I still had, and he admitted he'd never thought of it that way but could see why it would bother me.

  He explained how awful Tiff's sister Elaine was and how furious Tiff would be to know she'd called Zack an accident in front of him, and he admitted too that he'd been shocked and scared when Tiff got pregnant but that now he couldn't imagine his life any other way.