Second Chances

by Younker, Tracy

  “I'm sorry, Parker. I told you the truth. I didn't want to be in a relationship. I didn't realize that the person I want to be with is Chase until he came back. I didn't lie to you. Circumstances just changed. And he is moving back here. I'm sorry if I hurt you,” I try to explain. At the end of the day, Parker is my friend and I never planned to hurt him this way. It's why I've always made it clear to him that I'm not interested in anything more than friendship. Maybe he thought if he just kept trying, I'd give in eventually but it's not like that. I don't feel like I light up from the inside out when Parker walks into a room the way I do when Chase does. I don't crave Parker's touch more than I crave air to breathe. I don't get lost in the depth of his eyes like when I look at Chase. It just isn't the same.

  He gets up from the stool, slams his beer down on the bar and storms away leaving me feeling like a terrible person. Brynn and Griff come back over, both coated in a sheen of sweat. “What's with Parker?” Griff asks, having seen his temper tantrum as he left.

  “He isn't happy to hear about Chase and I,” I explain. Griff nods with understanding. He hung with us enough to know what I'm talking about. “I haven't been leading him on, have I?”

  Griff shakes his head as he tips his beer back. “No, Haylee. He's a big boy and you've made it clear that you're just friends. I think he's just having a hard time dealing with the fact that you have someone else now.”

  “Come dance with me,” Brynn pleads with me. How can I say no? I've just gotten her back and now she actually wants to do something with me. We get lost in the crowd on the dance floor and lost in the music as well. This kind of dancing I don't mind so much. This is free and alive and expressive. Dancing in the studio is too restricted and stifling. I lost count of how many songs we dance to or how long we've been out here but when we finally take a break, we are both sweaty and panting for breath. It feels amazing.

  None of the guys are at the bar so we wait to order a drink while scanning the place looking for them. We spot Max on the dance floor grinding with the girl he'd been talking to earlier. Guess he'll be a happy man tonight.

  “That was so much fun! I haven't felt that free and happy in a very long time!” Brynn is practically screaming at me, and the smile on her face is contagious and so refreshing. Griff comes over to get another beer and Brynn is ready to drag us both back out on the dance floor. I tell them I'll join them in a minute. My drink is still half full and I need to catch my breath.

  I am absolutely cracking up as I watch the two of them on the dance floor. If I didn't known better, it's as if four years of misery just melted away. I feel hands on my shoulders and I turn quickly to see who it is. I sigh when I see that it's just Parker. “I'm sorry,” he says quietly beside my ear before he steps around in front of me. One look at his face and I know he's high again. I just shake my head and slide off the stool to go join Griff and Brynn. There's no point in even talking to Parker when he's like this. It makes me sick to think of Chase like that and worse. I don't understand why anyone chooses to touch that shit.

  We don't get home that night until after 1:00 in the morning. Max is our DD and makes sure all of us get to where we belong. He brought his friend along with us too and she had to squeeze into the middle seat up front. Parker is passed out before the rest of us even got in the truck which is probably for the best.

  I crash in my bed and think about how I didn't feel the pain of missing Chase so much tonight. Griff had been right after all to drag me out. It had been a great distraction and the alcohol has numbed the pain that I feel inside. I guess I can understand, at least somewhat, how Chase and Parker could turn to a substance to numb their pain or fill a void. I don't want to live that way though. It's just covering up the problem. You still have to face reality in the morning, but I have relished those few hours free from the anguish and worry that lives in my heart these days.

  A couple of days later, I'm just coming home from boarding all afternoon with the crew, even including Brynn, when I see a car in our driveway. Mom isn't home yet and my heart automatically speeds up. Could it be Chase? He hasn't told me that he is coming back yet. My eyes travel up to the front porch and my heart sinks like a lead weight when I see a woman I don't recognize standing by the front door. Damn! Why did I even let myself think that it could be Chase? Now I'm instantly in a foul mood after what had been a pretty good day. I sling my backpack over my shoulder and make my way across the front lawn and up the steps. The woman turns around to face me when she hears my flip flops slapping up the steps.

  She is beautiful. Tall with long, thin, tanned legs beneath a grey pencil skirt, a tiny waist but ample hips and fake breasts peeking out from her v-neck shirt. She has long, straight, bleach blonde hair and fierce, cold blue eyes. I've certainly never seen her before so I don't know why she's standing on our porch. Maybe Mom's counselor? She doesn't really look like a counselor though, more like a Playboy bunny.

  “Can I help you?” I finally ask as she looks me up and down the same way I had her. This means she's taking in my wet, wind-whipped hair, sunburned skin, wet clothes, and flip flops.

  “Hi,” she plasters on a fake smile. “My name is Lexi Forbes. I'm looking for Haylee Weston?” she says it like a question and I'm stupefied. Why is this chick looking for me?

  “I'm Haylee,” I say and I see her cat-like smile widen as though she has spotted her prey. This chick is creepy, but shockingly good-looking at the same time.

  “Haylee,” she gushes, but everything about her face is forced right now. “It is so good to finally meet you! I've heard so much about you.” She holds her little hand out to me to shake, but I just furrow my brow.

  Uh. . .should I know who Lexi Forbes is? My mind is flipping right now like a rolodex but the name and certainly the face are not ringing any bells.

  “Oh, I'm sorry! I'm Chase's manager,” she finally explains but I'm still unclear as to why she's here looking for me? Oh God! Has something happened to him? “He told me to say hello for him. Could we go inside and talk for minute?”

  Okay, so he must be okay, but why had he sent his manager to say hello to me? I am very confused as I open the front door and lead her into the front room. She looks around and makes little comments about how 'nice' things are but she isn't very convincing. “What can I help you with?” I finally ask so she'll stop walking around the room looking at all of my family's belongings.

  “I was just traveling through the area and I wanted to stop by and talk with you,” she explains and sits down on the sofa, crossing her skinny legs in front of her. “I know that you and Chase are close, but I felt like you need to know that you're holding him back.”

  If someone had kicked me in the stomach right now it wouldn't have felt any worse.

  “He's been trying to move back here to be with you, but, Haylee, Chase is very talented and he has many more things to accomplish in the wakeboarding world. He's torn right now between making you happy and continuing with his dream. He belongs in California. Sweetie, I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, but you're just an itch he had to scratch, the small town girl from next door. You need to set him free and let him stay where he belongs. He won't tell you any of this because he's afraid of hurting you.”

  There are tears stinging my eyes and I feel bile rising in the back of my throat. So Chase told me all of those things about wanting to come back here and then he'd gone back to California and sent his manager to tell me that I am holding him back?

  Lexi rises from the couch. “I'm very sorry, Haylee. I just hope you'll do the right thing,” she says and lets herself out the front door while I sit rooted to my seat. Why couldn't he have just told me himself? Why had he gotten my hopes up while he was here, telling me all that stuff about how much he loved me and how he couldn't wait to come back here and start over?

  I know that Mom will be home soon from work and I can't be sitting here in wet clothes in the front room crying like a baby. I drag myself up the stairs and collapse onto my bed as
the tears stream from my eyes. I feel like I've been torn in two. I had given Chase part of my heart a long time ago, and when he'd come back with all of his declarations and promises, I had given him my whole heart. It feels as though he has taken a knife himself and jabbed it right into the center of my heart. I cry big, ugly tears until I finally fall asleep. This is exactly what I'd been afraid of. Will he at least tell me that he isn't coming back or will he just disappear on me like the last time?

  I wake up later when the bed dips down beside me. I pick my head up and look over. My eyes are so sensitive that even though it's dark out now, they burn like there is a floodlight pointed right at me. Griff sits beside me wearing a very concerned expression.

  “Haylee, are you okay?” he asks. “You were gonna come up and grab a shower and meet us down at the house for dinner and a bonfire. I started to get worried when I realized it was eight o'clock and you were nowhere to be found. I texted you a bunch of times and you didn't answer.” I can just imagine what he is thinking. I am laying facedown in my bed, still in my swimsuit and tank top with puffy, red eyes.

  I turn onto my side and cry while I tell him about my encounter with Lexi. He listens but his brow is furrowed the whole time.

  “Haylee, did you call Chase and ask him about this?”

  “NO!” I cry. “Lexi said he couldn't tell me because he didn't want to hurt me. So why would I call him?”

  “It just sounds sketchy to me. I know for a fact that he wants to come back here. Maybe this manager is just worried about losing money from him and came out here to scare you off, thinking that if you ended things with him he wouldn't have a reason any more to move back to Wake Forest.”

  I let my head fall back down onto my pillow. I suppose there's every possibility that Griff is right as well, but I've been rattled by what Lexi said. She played right into all my secret fears.

  “You need to talk to Chase before you jump to any conclusions. I'm sure he'll tell you that Lexi just misunderstood something,” Griff encourages. “You wanna come out to the fire?”

  I shake my head no. I am a wreck and don't even feel like changing out of my bathing suit. “I'm gonna check on ya in the morning, so don't get any ideas of hiding out in here all day,” he leans in and kisses my temple as he stands up and pulls the door closed behind him.

  I sit up and search around for my phone. It's lying beside the bed but I had switched it to vibrate. Sure enough, there are six texts from Griff, each getting more concerned about where I am. My hand shakes as I hit the talk button to call Chase. What will I even say? He doesn't answer though, and I don't feel like leaving a voice mail. I let the phone fall out of my hand and just flop back on my bed.

  I end up sleeping in my bathing suit and tank and feel even worse when I wake up in the morning. I've been swallowed by sadness once again and just getting up and dressed is difficult. I don't have dance today and Dr. Michael's doesn't need me until the afternoon. I look out the window and realize that it's raining. That just fits my mood perfectly, but only makes me want to crawl back in bed. I shower and put on an old pair of jeans and a t-shirt. I leave my hair wet since it's raining anyway. It's too early in California to call Chase, so I'll have to wait and agonize a little while longer. I hate that my head is suddenly filled with all this doubt. I need to talk to him face to face to see for myself what is really going on.

  I walk slowly through the rain, letting it settle over my depressed form. What if he really does want to stay out there but doesn't want to tell me? Could I end things with him to set him free? Do I have the strength to tell him that I don't love him and that I just want to move on? It hurts me just to think the words. He'll see right through me and know that I am lying. He'd always been the one who knew when I was lying. I set the umbrella down once I reach the barn and somehow a smile still breaks across my face when I see Momma, Punkin, and the kittens. They are so full of energy and unconditional love. I sit down and play with them and stroke their fur for a while, feeling a little bit better just being with them.

  Griff finds me here on the floor of the barn, holding two of the kittens in my lap while another bats at my hair behind my back. “Good,” he smiles. “I really didn't want to have to drag your lazy ass out of that bed. Did you talk to him?”

  I shake my head. “He didn't answer last night and it's too early to call this morning.”

  “I kinda doubt he'd mind an early wake up call from you.” Griff is setting up to feed the horses, still talking to me as he goes. Unfortunately, I'm worried that he's wrong about that statement at this point. If Chase is ready to move on, I'm sure he won't like to hear from me so early.

  “I'll try in a little while,” I tell him. Once Griff is finished with things in the barn he tells me that he has to go into work. He asks if I want him to call in and stay with me today, but I tell him no. I don't want to bring down anyone else's mood.

  A couple of hours have gone by and the rain has stopped when I finally decide to try Chase again. This time he answers almost right away and he sounds happy to hear from me.

  “Good morning,” he greets and his voice is gravelly from sleep.

  “Did I wake you?” I cringe. Oh God, is he not alone in bed?

  “Nah, I gotta get movin' anyway. How are you?” he asks and I close my eyes. I'm miserable, but I can't tell him that.

  “I'm. . . okay.”

  “Uh oh. That doesn't sound good. What's going on, Hayles?” he insists and his voice seems so filled with concern. I don't think he'd be talking this openly with me if he isn't alone. Maybe . . .

  “I have to ask you something,” I say quietly.

  “Anything.”

  “Is this really what you want? You know, moving back here and away from everything you've accomplished?” There, I've asked, but will he tell me the truth?

  “Of course it is. I told you that. What's going on that has you questioning it all of a sudden? Have you changed your mind and don't want to be with me?” He sounds frantic as he fires questions back at me. He doesn't sound like someone who is feeling obligated to do something.

  “I still want to be with you, Chase,” I say. Maybe this is my opportunity to tell him 'no' so that he won't drop everything and move back here, but I can't. “I just wanted to be sure that you weren't doing all of this just for me. I don't want you to have regrets later on.”

  “The only regrets I have are the choices I've made in the past. I'm not happy out here and my track record shows it. There's nothing I want more than to be back there in Wake Forest holding you in my arms, Haylee. I will never regret that.” I squeeze my eyes closed to clear away some of the tears. He sounds pretty sure of his decision to me and I just hope that if he has any doubts, he would have said something now. “Haylee, are you okay?”

  “Yes,” I try to sound as though I'm not crying, but I'm sure he can tell. Partly I am crying out of happiness and relief.

  “I know it's tough right now, but I'm so close to being done.“ I can hear in his voice that he's smiling then. “I love you and I won't be too much longer. I promise.”

  “I love you too, Chase,” I tell him and I feel a little better after we hang up. How can I deny the sincerity in his voice and the strength of his words? I don't think that he is just telling me what I want to hear, but Lexi's visit has cast doubt in my mind where I had been able to control it better before. I hate that I can't just believe what Chase says, but I have the past haunting me. He isn't here to talk to and reassure me, and then Lexi appears and starts stirring up the coals inside my heart. I'm just going to have to hold on a little longer and give him the benefit of the doubt.

  Chapter 20 - Haylee

  My days begin to run together after a while. I feel like I am just coasting through time, numbly doing the same things over and over. Mom is finally doing better and that's a huge relief. She's actually around and will ask me where I'm going when I head for the front door. It's comforting because I know that's what a mother should do, but at the same time, it's frust
rating because I've had so much freedom for so long. I haven't really had to answer to anyone and have taken care of myself.

  I even sit down one morning while she is having her coffee before work and tell her that I still wakeboard. She just nods. I don't really think she is surprised when she thinks about it for a minute. I don't want to hurt her, but wakeboarding has been what has kept me going after Dad died. Yes, it reminds me of him and it's hard sometimes, but now I'll find myself smiling when I think about him and realizing that he'd be proud of my progress.

  Mom has taken a deep breath and looks up at me with a smile on her face. I don't know what to make of her reaction. “Sweetie, I'm glad you kept it up. I know I told you not to, but I was hurting and just thinking about anything out on that lake made me think of your dad and the pain was crushing. I'm so sorry for the way that I've behaved. You deserved more than that. Could I watch you sometime?”

  Tears begin pouring down my face then. Not only is she not upset, but she wants to see me wakeboard. This means so much more to me than dance and I know I have to talk to her about that as well. She is sad to learn that I don't want to do it anymore, but she listens to me and agrees that I should quit. I don't bother to tell her that I have hated it for years. She doesn't need any more guilt. I am so relieved to finally be free of dance classes! Brynn understands completely because she has known for a long time that I've hated it. She is afraid that it is because of her snarky comments and turning the rest of the girls against me, but I assure her that that only led to my distaste for her. She laughs along with me about that. I feel like a kid again and after being so sad lately, I just want to get behind a boat and shred the hell out of the wake, get some good old adrenaline pumping through my veins. Even the boarding that I've done lately has been half hearted and that just isn't like me.