Second Chances

by Younker, Tracy

  I nod. My cheeks flush with embarrassment for spying and my stomach rolls as I remember the smug look on her face as she had glanced up and caught sight of me.

  “See!” Griff is nearly shouting with excitement but I'm getting pissed off. Why the hell does he seem happy about this? “She sees you watching, so she plants one on Chase for you to watch. You turn away before he pushes her away, assuming the worst. She happens to catch you coming up the hill and tells you to look in his glovebox because she's had time up there to plant that shit on him. Sounds awfully convenient to me.”

  Griff starts grinning now, proud of his mad detective skills, but I still am not convinced. “Or maybe he's just two-timing me and snorting that shit when he needs a pick me up.”

  Griff is shaking his head at me and plants his hands on either of my shoulders, looking me right in the eyes. “You've known Chase for nearly sixteen years now. Does that sound anything like him?”

  I shrug. “I haven't known him in the last four and from what I've heard, he was a strung out player.” Even just saying those words cuts right through me. I didn't really think of him that way, but I am so hurt and angry right now that I am lashing out.

  “Get a shower and take some time to really think about what I've said, please,” he pleads with me and stands to leave. I stay sitting here as I hear him bound down the stairs and close the door behind him. I know that I need to get up, but I just don't feel like it. I text Brynn:

  Come to my house NOW! 911!

  I need a girl's perspective, someone who will take my side in all of this crap. I head into the bathroom to get a shower, so I won't scare the shit out of her when she gets here.

  By the time I am throwing some clothes on in my bedroom, I hear her coming up the stairs like the place is on fire. I look over my shoulder as she stands in the doorway with her hands on her hips and I break down all over again.

  She wraps her arms around me and I bury my face against her shoulder. “I don't know exactly what's going on but when I got here, I found a shirtless Chase sitting on your front porch looking like an eight-year-old boy whose puppy just got run over by a truck. I didn't even know he was back.” I squint my eyes. I so do not want to picture Chase like this right now. My heart squeezes just thinking about it and part of me wants to go down there and take him in my arms, but I can't. Not after what he has done to me.

  “He just got back a couple of hours ago. Did he say anything to you?” I croak.

  She pulls back to look at me, but keeps her hands on my shoulders like she's afraid I'll just fall over without support. A distinct possibility. “I wasn't even sure he was awake at first. His head was hanging down and he didn't even look up when I walked up onto the porch. I asked him what he was doing and when he picked his head up, I could tell he'd been crying. He must have seen a flash of panic on my face because he nodded his head and asked me to just make sure you were all right. I know a domestic dispute when I see one.”

  I can't help but chuckle slightly at her terminology.

  “So, did you know he was coming back? And what on earth happened that's got you both so dang upset so fast? Wait, how 'together' are you two? I mean, everybody saw this coming years ago, well, except me maybe, and you two seemed clueless for like, well, forever.”

  I flop down onto my bed and with my arm draped over my sensitive eyes, I explain the whole mess to Brynn starting with what Chase has told me about his life out in California. I can feel my cheeks getting red when I get to the part where I have to describe how 'together' Chase and I actually are. I would have just edited the part out about what we had been doing prior to Lexi's arrival, but I feel it's fairly relevant to the state that I am in right now, with him able to screw me and then go right downstairs and kiss her. I also tell her Griff's conspiracy theory and what he thinks might be really going on, adding how farfetched I thought it all is, that I think it is just guy code or something -- always back up your buddy's stories.

  When I finish it's silent for a second while Brynn takes time to absorb all the drama I've spewed at her. “So, you and Chase actually humped like bunnies?” she asks then and bites her bottom lip as if she is picturng this.

  “Really, Brynn? Humped like bunnies?” I ask, slightly shocked by her word choice.

  She raises her brows and shrugs like it's no big deal. “Well, you referred to it as, and I quote, 'We were . . .ya know,' so I was just trying to clear it up a bit.”

  I laugh out loud as she teases me about my inability to express the fact that Chase and I had sex. I guess the truth is I don't know what to call what we've done at this point. At the time, I would have said that we made love, but now, I might have to say that it had been just sex, to him at least.

  “Okay, but honestly, Haylee, I'm with Griff on this one. This Lexi chick sounds like a conniving skank ho. I wouldn't trust anything she says. I think she just wants a hot, steaming slice of Chase Atwood all for herself.” I should have laughed, but I hadn't thought about that angle. Lexi probably did want Chase. I mean, all you have to do is look at him; he is pure male perfection. What woman wouldn't want a piece of that? This doesn't really change anything, however.

  “Does it even matter who's lying to who at this point? I saw him kiss her right after being with me, and I saw a bag of a white powdery substance in his glovebox.”

  “Of course it matters!” she practically shouts at me, causing me to jump. “You saw her kiss him from what you described, and you saw something suspicious in his truck, but you haven't even talked to him yet. You don't know the whole story.”

  “But he's just going to lie and try and get out of it.”

  “You don't know that! Why would he? This is our friend Chase we're talking about. Maybe we don't know slutty California Chase, but he's back here to try and get his life back on track. Would you lie on the first day of your new life that you went to all that trouble to set up? Not to mention that I can't remember a single time that Chase ever lied to us when we were growing up. You have to give him a chance. You have to at least listen to what he has to say before you get any more irrational.”

  I smack her arm for calling me irrational, although maybe in this case she is right. At least a little bit. “I know,” I sigh. “And I will. Just not yet.”

  She nods and gives me a tight hug. “Just give him a chance, Haylee. He deserves that much. You two have been through so much together and he just moved across the country for a fresh start. I do not think that Chase would hurt you,” she smoothes my still-wet hair back from my face and presses a kiss to my forehead. “Get some rest tonight and you might feel differently in the morning. Then you should talk to him.”

  I nod as she stands up. “I've gotta get to work. I'm already late but I'll come over later on tomorrow to check up on you, Cuz.”

  “Thanks,” I murmur and watch her leave. I fall back onto my bed and stare up at my ceiling. Brynn hadn't jumped on my bandwagon the way that I hoped she would, and something is rattling around in my head that maybe there is a reason for that. I am beyond exhausted. I have gone from one extreme to the other and back again in the span of a few hours, and it's taking its toll on me. My mind drifts back to Chase surprising me on the dock. How deliriously happy I had been to see him. The way it had felt so foreign and yet so familiar at the same time when I felt his arms go around me again after almost a month away. Being in bed with him is etched into my memory, and as much as it hurts me right now, I don't ever want to forget it. I may have made a mistake trusting Chase with my heart, but I know that there will never be a more perfect person to have given my virginity to. He is one of my first friends, my first love, and it just seems right that he'd be my first lover as well. I will always have that memory. I just need to stop thinking about everything that has happened since.

  I fall asleep quickly that night, and I'm grateful for that. I am afraid that I might lie awake, reliving everything. My body obviously needed a break.

  When I wake the next morning, I sit up slowly and stretch my
neck. I'm so sore, and I usually don't get sore when boarding anymore, unless I take a hard landing. My face burns when I realize why I'm sore today. It has to be from having sex with Chase. And with that thought, all of the other events come crashing back to me and I feel like I've been in a car that was going sixty miles an hour and then suddenly slammed on its brakes. I need to get up and get out of this room.

  I wash my face and brush my teeth and try to avoid looking at my reflection in the mirror. My eyes are puffy and red, and my lips are dry and cracked from the dehydration of crying so much. I sigh as I make my way downstairs, afraid to find Mom there, but I'm relieved that I'm alone. I get a tall glass of water and guzzle half of it right away. I'm wearing an old pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt from high school that I had fallen asleep in. I don't know how cool it is outside, but I am desperate for some fresh air. With my glass in hand, I walk to the front door, looking across the road at the small patch of lake that is visible through the trees beyond Griff's driveway. I want to swim out into the middle of it and just float in that swishing silence all day. Alone, where no one can hurt me.

  I push the door open and shuffle out onto the porch. I jump and almost scream when I find someone hunched over beneath a blanket next to the door. I can just see his hair above the blanket and I know it's Chase. Has he spent the whole night out here? It had gotten pretty cool last night. For a moment I feel my heart pulling toward him and I'm sad to think that he has slept here so cold and uncomfortable.

  He stirs then and the blanket slides down away from his face. He's still wearing just the jeans from yesterday and no shirt. I gasp and think about how cold that must have been. He sits up quickly when he sees me standing there. His eyes look a lot like mine do, and where I had at least slept well, he couldn't possibly have.

  Chapter 23 - Chase

  “Did you sleep out here all night?” she asks, her voice a hoarse whisper. It takes me a minute to sit up and wake up enough to actually realize that Haylee is really standing here in front of me. In last night's delirium, I think I'd started to believe that I'd never see her again. That she climbed out her bedroom window with a suitcase and made sure to get as far away from me as possible. I couldn't have really blamed her. She deserved so much better than me. Someone without my sordid past and without the baggage of Lexi now looming over us.

  When my eyes finally clear, the early morning sun is shining against the porch floor and reflecting up onto her face, and I swear she looks more beautiful than I've ever seen before. She's wearing pj's or something and her eyes are swollen like mine probably are, but looking up at her in the early morning light is like seeing a dream before me.

  “Yeah,” I finally mutter and shiver as the blanket that her mom had given me last night slides down my bare torso. Her mom had gotten home from work and asked me what I was doing sitting out here. She hadn't even realized I was back. I told her that I'd just gotten in yesterday and that Haylee is upset with me right now. She'd asked if I wanted to come inside and sit on the sofa, but I declined. I told her that Haylee needed space, and I felt like coming inside would crowd her too much. I'd explained that I just needed to be close to her right now, and she had gone inside and gotten a blanket for me. She smiled as she handed it to me and said that she is glad I'm back.

  “Why?” Haylee gasps, taking in my appearance. I realize I must look like a hobo sitting here shirtless on her porch with just a blanket.

  “I just. . . I wanted to give you the space that you needed, but I. . . I just couldn't be all the way across the street from you. I had to be close,” I explain and my voice sounds like I've swallowed nails for breakfast.

  “Chase, you're gonna get pneumonia or something,” she sighs. My heart lifts just a little. She still cares. I pull myself up so that I am standing, and my whole body aches from sleeping hunched over on the cold, wooden floor.

  “Hayles, I. . .”

  She flinches backward and holds her hands out in front of her. “Please don't touch me,” she whispers, her eyes filling with fresh tears. Someone has just kicked me full force in the gut again. I hang my head for a moment to pull a breath into my faltering lungs. Those are words that I never want to hear Haylee Weston say to me. When I look back up at her, I nod. I won't touch her. . . for now.

  “I just want to talk. I need to tell you what happened.”

  She is still for a moment, and I'm terrified that she's going to run back in the house and lock the door behind her. She nods slowly and motions inside. “Come in before you freeze to death,” she murmurs and opens the door. My lungs expand just a little more. She sits down in the armchair and I sit on the sofa. I'm watching her every move and facial expression, trying desperately to determine what she's thinking. That's impossible, of course, but I am beyond desperate. She has her hands folded in her lap, but I can see that they are trembling. How had we gotten to this place? How had the girl I loved more than even myself become afraid of me? I hurt her without ever intending to do so. After promising her many, many times in the past, not just with words, but with my actions, that I would never hurt her, I have and she no longer trusts me. The emotional pain that I am in at this realization is worse than anything I've ever experienced before.

  “I didn't know that Lexi was here,“ I start slowly, trying to carefully think through each and every word. “I didn't even know she knew where I was.”

  “But you knew she was here a few weeks ago?” she asks shaking her head as though she's already doubting my words. I wish she never had a reason to doubt my honesty. My brow furrows and I look at her with a stunned expression.

  “Wait. . . what?” is my confused reply.

  “You didn't know she was here a couple of weeks ago? Because she said that you told her to say hello to me.”

  I jump to my feet then, both hands in my hair as I walk around her living room. “I didn't know she was here, either time. I swear that to you. Can you tell me exactly what she said?”

  Haylee nods slowly and closes her eyes. My brain doesn't even know what to do with this information. I remember that Lexi was out of town for a few days. She told me that she had to travel to visit another client. She never told me that she'd come here and talked to Haylee!

  “I was coming home from boarding one evening and she was standing on the porch. She said she was looking for Haylee Weston,” she pauses and I clench my fists at my sides as I sit back down to listen. I am too afraid I'll put my hand right through her living room wall right now. “Anyway, she said that she was just passing through the area and that you'd said to say hello. She came inside for a few minutes and basically told me that I'm holding you back from furthering your career as a wakeboarder and that you just didn't have the heart to tell me that. She said that I am 'just an itch you have to scratch, the small town girl from next door,'” She uses air quotes and I cringe at Lexi's words. I know she can be a ruthless bitch when she needs to be, but this is Haylee we are talking about. Haylee, who's never done a thing to her. My Haylee.

  “I had no idea,” I murmur and I'm afraid of how she must have felt after that. A memory slams into me suddenly. “Is that why you called that one morning and asked if moving back here is really what I want? Because of what Lexi said?”

  She nods, her cheeks stained red. I don't know why she'd be embarrassed by that. I feel embarrassed because Lexi is obviously here as some kind of ploy for me. “Shit, Hayles, I'm so sorry. I honestly had no idea about her little visit. And what she said isn't true. I never told her or anyone else that I didn't want to move back here because it's all I've been thinking about for the last few weeks.”

  Instinctively, I reach out to touch her hands and she flinches back slightly. I grit my teeth and pull back, remembering that she doesn't want me to touch her. “Then yesterday, when she showed up at Griff's. . . at that point I had no idea how she even knew where I am. I never told her specifically and I was shocked to see her here.” I close my eyes and take a breath before I continue. “The only part you don't know is that L
exi is the one that my friend Dylan recommended to me. He knew a few guys who used her before, so we met and that was that, just business, until one night I got fucked up and ended up sleeping with her. I regretted it instantly in the morning and told her as much. As far as I was concerned, it was a mistake and we would put it behind us, but she never forgot. She always believed that there was something between us, but there wasn't, and when I told her I was done, getting out of the business and moving away, she freaked out. I totally expected her to pull some of this crap with me, but not you, not here.”

  Haylee is pale all of a sudden and I know I need to hurry up and finish up this explanation or she's gonna bolt. Even saying it I can sense how fucked up this all is. “I was arguing with her yesterday on the porch outside at Griff's. I wanted to know what the hell she was doing here and that I had made it clear that our business arrangement was over. That was when she caught me completlely off guard and kissed me. I've never kissed her, Haylee, not even that one stupid night. I'm not sure how much you saw, but as soon as I realized what she was doing, I shoved her off of me and told her to get the hell out of here. I'm so sorry that you had to see that, but I swear, Hayles, it was her who kissed me, and I pushed her away just as quickly.”

  I just look at her for a minute, and other than blinking her eyes, she is as still as a statue, and it's unnerving as hell. I need to know that she believes me. I need to know what she's thinking.

  I can't stand the silence anymore. “Nothing has changed, Haylee. I love you, and I'm here because I want to be here. I can't erase my past, as much as I wish I could. That was me trying to deal with everything that I'd lost, trying to fill a void. I won't make those mistakes again.”

  “What about the drugs?” she asks so softly that I almost don't hear her. I'm not sure what she's asking though.

  “I told you. I haven't touched any of that stuff since I went to the hospital. I'm done. . .”