Confessions of a Curious Bookseller
Page 7
Dear Staff,
Due to the plethora of Tom Sawyer books, I have had to think long and hard about a solution. I’ve decided against putting out another advert stating that the books have sold out before I said they were to go on sale. I feel that is also going to be cheating my customers. I have not yet heard back from Mr. Whitney regarding when he will be coming by to pick up the books and refund me the money, so it might be best to just keep going with the sale as planned and see what, if anything, we can sell. I believe we should be up-front about it to our customers, but spin it in a rather positive way by telling them that Tom Sawyer is by far Twain’s best book and everyone should own a copy. And with every Tom Sawyer sold, we will throw in a free candy cane. I am hopeful. This snafu couldn’t have come at a better time of year, where almost anyone will buy anything as long as it is pushed enough and something free is thrown in.
Good luck!
Fawn, Owner
P.S. Kyle, after lunch tomorrow I will give you ten dollars. Please go out and buy as many candy canes as you can with it (and get a receipt). Buy Bob’s brand—everything else tastes like peppermint-flavored glue.
From: Florence Eakins
Sent: Thu, Dec 13, 2018 at 9:45 PM
To: Fawn Birchill
Subject: Video
Hi Fawn,
Wanted to share this video I made of Little Joe singing for Dad. He is doing his best Josh Groban impression, clearly. He just loves that singer so much. It’s so cute. Also, this isn’t in the video, but right after, Dad started talking to me like I was you. I should have caught it on tape. He said you didn’t sweep the front steps this morning like he asked and now his customers are going to drag in the dirt. Remember when he used to rail about that all the time? “You’re gonna drag in the dirt!” Hahaha, as if the store wasn’t filthy already. So glad those days are over. (I guess for him they’re not.)
Hope you enjoy this. I love the smile on Dad’s face.
Flo
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Fri, Dec 14, 2018 at 4:30 PM
To: Fortieth Street Catering
Re: Delightful Mouthfuls
Dear Carl,
I am following up on my email about reconsidering the pricing for our humble company party. Please reply because if you cannot make this work, I will need to start seeking alternatives soon.
Thank you ever so much,
Fawn Birchill, Owner, The Curious Cat Book Emporium (a Mark Twain specialist store)
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Fri, Dec 14, 2018 at 6:00 PM
To: Staff
Subject: Closing Tills
Dear Staff,
Thank you for informing me that many of our usual customers have wandered over to the Grumpy Mug after visiting our store without buying anything. The fact is, we have books and so do they (though I imagine their inventory is less impressive), and so I must assume that they are merely dropping in for some coffee before heading home. This could explain our horrible closing till reports. People have grown to connect drinking hot liquids with reading—a century-long tradition that smart bookstores have taken advantage of. Therefore, let us do the same. This might turn things around!
Do not despair, dear staff!
With high hopes,
Fawn, Owner
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Fri, Dec 14, 2018 at 6:32 PM
To: Missy’s Co-op
Subject: We could make quite a pear!
Dear Missy’s Co-op,
As you may very well know, my name is Fawn and I frequent your co-op every Saturday for various goods such as fruit, vegetables, teas, rice, barley, oats, nuts, etc. I just love your little shop. It reminds me of my father’s small general store in Norristown—though he didn’t have the kind of selection or homey feel. Instead of wood floors, he had broken and chipped linoleum; instead of wainscoting, he had cheap faux-wood paneling out of the seventies. I toiled many hours weighing out the rice and the oats until I thought I could eyeball a bag and know the volume without needing to weigh it. Anyway, since I feel such a strong connection to your store both nostalgically and on a community level, I would love it if we could pair up. Perhaps you could sell some of your coffee at my store? We can split it 80/20 since I am offering the venue and you are receiving the free advertisement. I believe that as fellow small business owners, we must reach out to each other and see what needs doing. Since I am a frequent customer and so well connected in the community, and since I don’t believe you’ve ever stopped by for a visit, the time to officially acknowledge each other’s professional presence is long overdue! Think on it? See you Saturday!
Fawn Birchill, Owner, The Curious Cat Book Emporium (a Mark Twain specialist store)
From: Missy’s Co-op
Sent: Fri, Dec 14, 2018 at 7:07 PM
To: Fawn Birchill
Re: We could make quite a pear!
Dear Fern,
Thank you for your interest in partnering with our co-op! We are already in a partnership (as of two weeks ago) with the Grumpy Mug Bookstop, and their demand has been so high that we have been struggling to keep up our inventory! At this time we are not able to partner, but as an aside, an 80/20 split in your favor would also not be tenable for us. We would, however, be happy to offer you a 10 percent discount off any of our whole bean bags for the purpose of selling coffee in your store.
Thank you again for your interest!
Missy’s Co-op
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Sat, Dec 15, 2018 at 8:16 AM
To: Missy’s Co-op
Re: We could make quite a pear!
Dear Missy’s Co-op,
I am sorry that you will not be taking me up on this mutually beneficial offer. I think the fact that you partnered with the Grumpy Mug should in no way stop you from also partnering with me. Regarding your offer, the coffee is quite expensive, so I’m sorry but a 10 percent discount just isn’t sufficient. A partnership with a more favorable split would be better.
Like the Grumpy Mug, we also get many customers, and I think we can agree that the only reason the Grumpy Mug is getting such excellent business is because they are new. Eventually when the thrill wears off, my customers will return like the prodigal son to my charming, literature-loving store. We are not très chic like the Grumpy Mug, and because of that we often get your most common clientele: vagabonds. I know because I can smell them minutes after they’ve left. They leave in their wake a sad afterglow of an unaccomplished life that smells of unwashed skin and patchouli. I’d much rather be smelling your coffee. Wouldn’t you agree?
Yours in business,
Fawn Birchill, Owner, The Curious Cat Book Emporium (a Mark Twain specialist store)
P.S. My name is Fawn, not Fern. I understand how you can confuse the two, but one is a low-lying leafy plant and the other is an elegant, forest-dwelling deer. Surely I remind you of the latter? Just think of me thusly and it will be easier for your memory.
Dear Fawn,
My daughter stopped leaving the bags of food in my refrigerator. She is hard to reach at times, so can you please ask her to leave the bags again?
—Jane, your tenant
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Sat, Dec 15, 2018 at 10:17 PM
To: O’Hare Repair
Subject: Business Arrangement
Dear O’Hare Repair,
Greetings! I am writing to inquire about your prices. You may have heard of my bookstore, the Curious Cat Book Emporium, located in West Philadelphia steps from the Green Line. I mainly focus on old, used books; some are rare and extremely valuable, which is partly the reason that I am writing.
I live just above the store in a spacious Victorian apartment (I believe it was the maid’s quarters for the family that was downstairs over a hundred years ago). It is dusty, and it tends to be cold in the winter but rather cool in the summer. I get a lot of light, and the hardwood floors are stunning and in great shape for their age. The bathroom is decorated with white
porcelain tiles, and the bath is an old marble claw-foot. Before you start thinking I’m only writing to brag about the romantic quarters in which I live, I must say that the toilet in the customer bathroom has been leaking for quite some time, and what has now developed could arguably be described as damage to the floor’s integrity. In addition, my claw-foot has been leaking black water onto my fiction section for some time. I realized this when I went down to get Jane Austen’s Emma and found that she was covered in black mold. She, Louisa May Alcott, and Hans Christian Andersen were just wet with sludgy decay. How long they have been enduring these harsh conditions I’ll never know.
Perhaps this week you can stop by and let me know how quickly this can be remedied? Our Christmas season has begun, and any mishap may cost me an important sale. Additionally, I saw my cat, Butterscotch, catching the black liquid with his tongue. There is simply nothing this cat won’t eat! Do you think this will harm him?
Thank you very much for your time.
Sincerely,
Fawn, Owner, The Curious Cat Book Emporium (a Mark Twain specialist store)
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Sat, Dec 15, 2018 at 11:54 PM
To: Jacob Whitney
Subject: Mark Twain is overstaying his welcome
Dear Mr. Whitney,
I am starting to wonder if you have changed your email address, as I still haven’t heard from you. Yesterday, two of your Mark Twain books sold. If you take the inventory back at this point, I will call that much a profit so you would not have to pay me back for the two books. I had hoped to sell many more than that, but given the weak selection, I am not surprised.
Please respond and let me know when you can collect your books. I check the mailbox each day with the hope that I will find my money returned. Incidentally I’ve developed a leak in my ceiling (the Twain books are fine), and I fear it will cost me money I don’t have to repair.
Sincerely,
Fawn Birchill, Owner, The Curious Cat Book Emporium (a Mark Twain specialist store)
Dear Fawn,
Thank you for asking my daughter to make the food again. The spaghetti heated up well. She dislikes spaghetti, so it was a wonder she made it. I really do like it very much.
—Jane, your tenant
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Sun, Dec 16, 2018 at 7:15 PM
To: O’Hare Repair
Re: Business Arrangement
Dear Mr. O’Hare,
Thank you for stopping by and taking a look at the leak. After much consideration, I’ve decided that I can afford your services if we can make some kind of arrangement. As $500 is a lot of money for anyone to spend on a leak around the holidays, would you be interested in knocking the price down by one hundred if I were to throw in a third edition The Adventures of Tom Sawyer? It is a most excellent book that adults and children alike can enjoy. I know you mentioned you are not the bookish type, but perhaps your young sons would like it for Christmas? If you think about it, it would be at absolutely no cost to you, and you’d be helping out a local business owner around the holidays who is already quite strapped.
Also, thank you for your help and concern with Butterscotch. I believe you are correct when you say he ingests much worse on a daily basis just by being a cat.
I look forward to hearing from you. By the way, Cahill is a lovely name. Is it Irish? I love the Irish. I grew up down the street from a large Irish Catholic family who said they were originally from Cork. They had dark hair and blue eyes like you, so perhaps you are related? Food for thought!
Sincerely,
Fawn
December 16
Dear Fawn,
Enclosed please find a coupon for cat food. I know you feed the alley cats the premium stuff, but they are just strays, and the fact that you are feeding them at all should be enough. Food is food, right? Especially when you are a street cat. Also, I thought this Far Side comic was cute.
Mother
phillysmallbiz.com
Sun, Dec 16, 2018
Top Review—The Curious Cat Book Emporium
So, maybe it’s my fault for not calling ahead, but I drove all the way from Connecticut thinking I’d find a nice selection of books by Mark Twain. Instead I found mostly The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, which I’ve read before and actually own.
I’m disappointed to say the least. That said, I’ve never been to Philly. Might as well enjoy it while I’m here.
—George N.
phillysmallbiz.com
Sun, Dec 16, 2018
Dear George N.,
You are not alone in that the selection turned out to be not what was expected. However, had I sent out a notice, I don’t think anyone would have stopped by, which would have made sales unspeakably dismal. Hearing that you drove in all the way from Connecticut saddens me. It must have been somewhat of a disappointment to get here and see nothing but the same book. Trust me when I say that this is not how I had hoped it would turn out and that this is the end of my transaction with a certain seller who shall remain nameless.
I am glad you are looking at it the way Mark Twain may have: as an adventure. Philadelphia is a lovely city with much to see and explore, so while you are here you might as well go on some sightseeing tours and make the most of it. Don’t let something like this bring you down. I’m sure that if Mark Twain had spent a significant amount of time in Philadelphia, he may have written books on it.
Were you not offered a candy cane for the inconvenience?
Sincerely,
Fawn, Owner, The Curious Cat Book Emporium (a Mark Twain specialist store)
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Mon, Dec 17, 2018 at 8:05 AM
To: Staff
Subject: Candy Canes
Dear Staff,
Please make sure you are handing out candy canes to our customers who are disappointed in the Mark Twain selection. It may not seem like it, but it makes a difference!
Fawn, Owner
From: Fortieth Street Catering
Sent: Mon, Dec 17, 2018 at 9:10 AM
To: Fawn Birchill
Re: Delightful Mouthfuls
Hi Fawn,
With regrets, we cannot offer any discounts. Sorry about that.
Best,
Carl Suzuki
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Mon, Dec 17, 2018 at 11:14 AM
To: Fortieth Street Catering
Re: Delightful Mouthfuls
Dear Carl,
Thank you for your reply, but because you cannot provide me with the discounts that I requested, I will have to look for other means by which to feed my staff for our humble holiday party.
I miss the days when local businesses helped each other out, acted like neighbors, and got to know each other. Now everyone operates like they’ve been outsourced to China. There is no sense of community, and it saddens me. For most of my childhood and young adulthood, my father owned a general store and, though this was another time, he would pay for his milk deliveries in cigarettes. He would also give away free items to his loyal customers, rewarding them for their patronage. I knew his cognitive decline had begun, however, when I caught him giving away our cash register to the paperboy. Luckily, he couldn’t fit it on his bike, and I was there just in time to stop him. That said, my father had the right idea. Anyhow, this is just to say that the world is changing, I suppose. Sad and lonely times we live in.
Your neighbor in business,
Fawn, Owner, The Curious Cat Book Emporium (a Mark Twain specialist store)
phillysmallbiz.com
Mon, Dec 17, 2018
Top Review—Fortieth Street Catering
I can’t give more than one heart when it comes to poor service involving food. I hired them for a company function and not only were they forty minutes late, but the delivery boy smelled of marijuana. The food was thrown on the table like hunks of meat in a butcher shop; the receipt was oily with some strange substance stuck to it, and the food itself tasted like Ritz crackers w
ithout the salt. Even the baklava tasted like it had been in the refrigerator with an open can of old olives for a year before being served. The prices are extraordinarily high for what you get.
—Butterscotch
From: O’Hare Repair
Sent: Mon, Dec 17, 2018 at 1:02 PM
To: Fawn Birchill
Re: Business Arrangement
Fawn,
Sorry but price is fixed, and I only take hard American currency. I raise my two boys on my own so I gotta make a living. My families from Kerry, I think. Least that’s what my Dad said.
Cahill
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Mon, Dec 17, 2018 at 2:19 PM
To: O’Hare Repair
Re: Business Arrangement
Dear Cahill,
I find it absolutely fascinating that you know the exact county your ancestors came from (though you say you are first-generation, so that shouldn’t make it a challenge)! I hear Kerry is lovely. Have you ever visited the homeland? I have always wanted to be Irish myself. There is something appealing about it that I can’t put my finger on. A romanticism perhaps? An exoticism? A harkening back to an old world from long ago colored with songs of rebellion, gorgeous literature, attractive people, and heavy drinking? This is why, I believe, on Saint Patrick’s Day everyone claims to be a little Irish. It is similar to how white people claim to have Native American heritage—except, in the case of the Irish, it is for only one day a year and not all year round.
My background, on the other hand, is strictly English, but my father always pressed the idea that we were nothing more than American, which I always found dreadfully dull. It must be nice to have a sense of belonging and heritage elsewhere as well as here.
On to other matters at hand! I understand your hesitation to take a book as payment, but if you returned to look at it, you would see it is in excellent condition and quite old. I have contacted other repairmen regarding this, and they all charge a little less than you do. I believe that is due to the fact that you are probably the best in Philadelphia. Otherwise why would you charge so much? Incidentally I would rather go with your services as you have been the nicest to deal with, and I would love to support you as a single father of two.