Confessions of a Curious Bookseller
Page 17
To: Scott Farmer
Re: Job Posting
Dear Scott,
Thank you for your interest. This is an unconventional request, and so your work in Shakespeare and soap opera is rather unnecessary, however impressive. I am most interested in your work with the local improv companies, with which you have been working for ten years.
Long story short, if you were to take this job, it would be a monthlong gig wherein you would be acting as a member of the estate of Mark Twain inside a bookshop. You will simply sit behind a desk and sign copies of old Mark Twain books for twelve-hour shifts wherein you will be given two half-hour breaks. Housing is available if needed. Pay is negotiable, but for each book signed you will get a 5 percent profit. And these books are not cheap. Additionally, you will receive a flat $200 stipend for the month.
Hope this lights your fire. Please let me know if interested ASAP.
Thank you,
Fawn
P.S. Are you recognizable in the community? It would be better if you were an unknown so as not to accidentally get recognized by someone, thereby ruining the illusion.
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Thu, Feb 7, 2019 at 7:05 AM
To: Angela Washington
Subject: Please Help
Dear Angela,
I have been reported in the PSB classifieds as a scam and have been taken down. How do I fix this?
Thank you,
Fawn, Owner
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Thu, Feb 7, 2019 at 7:11 AM
To: Scott Farmer
Re: Job Posting
Dear Scott,
Did you report me to PSB classifieds as a scam? If so, I believe you are mistaken, as I am not. Furthermore, I will no longer need your services, as I was able to hire an excellent New York City actor who doesn’t demonize unorthodox artistic projects.
Best wishes,
Fawn
From: Keith Vandetty
Sent: Thu, Feb 7, 2019 at 9:07 AM
To: Fawn Birchill
Subject: Job Posting
Fawn,
My buddy Scott told me about this ad. I’d be interested in this, but I need to know more about it. Sounds a bit ethically and morally questionable.
Keith
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Thu, Feb 7, 2019 at 9:50 AM
To: Keith Vandetty
Re: Job Posting
Dear Keith,
Thank you for your interest; however, I must assure you that there is nothing questionable going on here. You may even feign ignorance and say very little as you sit at the desk, as far as I’m concerned. You need only to stamp some books, sign a false name (last name should be Clemens), and when people ask if you really are from the estate, you need only to nod politely in their direction. If it helps, think of it as simply helping out a local bookstore owner whose profits have sunk to an all-time low (at no fault of her own).
Best,
Fawn
From: Keith Vandetty
Sent: Thu, Feb 7, 2019 at 12:01 PM
To: Fawn Birchill
Re: Job Posting
Hi Fawn,
Yeah, that all sounds good to me. I got no problem doing unethical things for profit, especially since I’ve been out of work for a year. Think you could up the rate a little? Like, how about a 10 percent cut instead of 5 percent?
Keith
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Thu, Feb 7, 2019 at 1:34 PM
To: Keith Vandetty
Re: Job Posting
Dear Keith,
I assure you that this is not a scheme or a plot that would land either of us in trouble if caught. Look at it instead as a social experiment or a charitable opportunity for which you get paid.
Speaking of, I’m sorry but I cannot raise my pay. I am already taking a substantial blow just by hiring someone to deal with this. I won’t tell you the exact number of people who have already bought tickets, but let’s just say it’s well over a hundred. I’m sure that a clever and charitable man such as yourself can make this work.
Please consider,
Fawn
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Thu, Feb 7, 2019 at 3:13 PM
To: Angela Washington
Re: Blog Post
Angela,
As you have not taken the initiative to write the blog entry as asked, I will write it for you. I apologize in advance if you do not like it, but take it as a lesson in business. It is always better to do your own work instead of lazily passing it off to others.
Best,
Fawn, Owner
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Thu, Feb 7, 2019 at 3:20 PM
To: Staff
Subject: Sagging stair
Dear Staff,
The top stair is beginning to sag dangerously from its usual 90-degree angle. I fear the nails are losing their hold on the wood. Can someone please take care of this issue before a customer slips and goes barreling down the staircase?
Many thanks!
Fawn, Owner
P.S. Sam, please go out and buy more cat food for the strays at some point today. Please take it out of petty cash.
From: Tabitha Birchill
Sent: Thu, Feb 7, 2019 at 4:25 PM
To: Fawn Birchill
Subject: Tried calling. Visit soon?
Dear Fawn,
When is your event? I would very much like to come and support! And how are you doing otherwise? I have been thinking of paying a visit lately if you have a little time to spare. It would be so nice to catch up.
There is not much new around here. The neighbor’s new mailbox has been stolen, and we got a new mailman. Or should I say mailperson? Also, I don’t know if you remember Mr. Federman, your fifth-grade math teacher, but he passed away yesterday.
Talk soon!
Love you,
Mother
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Thu, Feb 7, 2019 at 5:05 PM
To: Tabitha Birchill
Re: Tried calling. Visit soon?
Dear Mother,
This is not the best of times to visit. I must admit I was a bit shocked by your offer, seeing how you are always “too busy,” but the timing is just awful. Thank you for asking about my event! I believe I finally have a few minutes to brief you on it! There will be celebrities gracing the many rooms of my shop, along with wall-to-wall customers and high-society socializing. I think if anything you would be bored and intimidated by the intellectual crowd. This will take place tomorrow evening and will close on Feb 9. You may ask how I plan to keep up my energy? Well, of course good sleep goes without saying! But I have the help of a very handsome new boyfriend whom I met at an Afghan restaurant. He is tall and wealthy, and after this we plan to take a trip to Italy, for I’ve never been. Then perhaps in April we can get together? I can take the train out, and we can go to that diner you like. Or if you’d like to come here, you can stay on the pullout futon in the living room (this time I promise to remember to vacuum up the cracker crumbs). Please feel free to inform Florence of the good news both business-wise and romantically, though if you choose to leave it out, I understand, as I know she usually takes other people’s good news rather poorly.
Much love,
Fawn
P.S. I rarely keep my phone on me, as you know. My new smartphone is only so that I can conveniently shoot emails off to my employees when necessary. You know as well as I how much I hate talking on the phone.
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Thu, Feb 7, 2019 at 6:05 PM
To: Mark Nilsen
Subject: Invitation to Mark Twain Estate Event
Dear Mark,
I would like to cordially invite you to attend our two-day Mark Twain estate event that will be taking place on February 8 and 9. I have placed an official invite in your mailbox; however, I wanted to send you this email to ensure that you were aware of it.
Best wishes,
Fawn
From: Mark
Nilsen
Sent: Thu, Feb 7, 2019 at 8:14 PM
To: Fawn Birchill
Re: Invitation to Mark Twain Estate Event
Hi Fawn,
I appreciate the invite! It sounds like a lot of fun. Sadly our gala event happens to fall on February 8, and then on the ninth I made plans with my dad, so I won’t be able to make it.
I thought you were seeing the ballet on the eighth?
Thank you again!
Mark
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Thu, Feb 7, 2019 at 10:20 PM
To: Mark Nilsen
Re: Invitation to Mark Twain Estate Event
Dear Mark,
Yes, I understand, but I thought I would extend an invitation to you since you so kindly did the same for me! How funny that they have landed on the same evening! And yes, I absolutely planned on going to the ballet that night, but my date insisted we choose Feb 8 and 9 and go to the ballet the following week, since his favorite ballerina won’t be performing that night anyway. Ah, c’est la vie.
So, if your event isn’t as successful or populated as you hoped, feel free to stop by for some excellent food and schmoozing with the Philadelphia elite. I’m sure you can get that Tom Sawyer book signed if you’d like, but just to warn you, there will naturally be a fee.
Wishing you all the best with your event,
Fawn, Owner, The Curious Cat Book Emporium (a The Adventures of Tom Sawyer specialist store)
February 7
Dear Fawn,
More coupons! Sometimes I swear Florence just throws them out, but the other day she told me she bought two bikes for the boys with one of the Walmart coupons I gave her. They have been wanting to learn to ride. She is such a good mother. I’m glad you two have patched things up, even if it’s tenuous.
Mother
THE CURIOUS CAT BOOK EMPORIUM
Blog Post #2
The Outlook of an Employee
My staff member Angela has volunteered to write a brief blog post on what it is like to be an employee at the Curious Cat Book Emporium. The below entry is unedited and, I’m sure much to the surprise of some of our readers, completely truthful on all accounts.
As an employee of the Curious Cat Book Emporium, I am never more satisfied than when ringing up customers and seeing the smiles on their faces as they walk out of the store with a surefire, good purchase. Even if one does not like a book, reading it was still an experience. Take, for example, a person you run into on the street. You may not like them, but they have taught you something about yourself—perhaps that you find smoking in public to be unspeakably rude and disgusting.
I feel a sense of ownership in this store. A sense of belonging. I do not feel as if I am going to work when I leave my tiny, dismal apartment in Center City but rather that I am going home. This is how every single person should feel about work, but so few do. For this I am fortunate. I thank Fawn for the continued opportunity to work in her store. Without her, I might be getting into trouble with men or smoking too much marijuana, waking one day to find myself on my way to cleaning up highways in an orange vest. This is not to say that I am prone to criminal behavior, but purpose gives me a sense of responsibility, as does ownership.
Eventually when I marry, have children, and leave this wonderful job for another, I will look back and think fondly on my experiences, on my family among the books, and of course, on Butterscotch.
February 7, 2019
Tomorrow it begins. The money from the ticket sales is in my bank account, and I am currently set to be able to pay my employees for another three months without letting them go. It is a real miracle.
Keith has been calling me all day to get the right wardrobe picked out. It’s all coming together quite well!
However, I am having trouble sleeping. Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I don’t know who is looking back at me. I often find myself caught in the doorways of my apartment just staring at my feet, terrified to move into the next room. I am so frightened that something terrible will happen, so continuing on in my day is doing nothing but hastening it. I want to curl up into a ball and force time to stop. And though all these dark thoughts have been running through my head, things are going so well! Is this what happiness feels like? Perhaps it is, since I only feel truly alive when the bookstore is packed with people. It’s as if my purpose in life has been fulfilled, and I am frightened to see it all end. I am frightened of March, frightened that after the event people will move on and forget about my store, frightened that the turnout won’t be all that I had hoped. Unlike for my sister, mediocrity was never an option in my life. I always aspired to be something so much greater than the circumstances into which I was born, so it never occurred to me that I could ever be anything less. Achieving this, surpassing this, and waking up with the knowledge that I could turn a great corner in my business this month makes the hairs on the back of my neck tingle with life. Because of my ingenuity and my unorthodox business skills, it has come to this. Everything feels different: Butterscotch is softer! The sun is brighter! The colors are more vivid! This must also be what success feels like.
Sometimes I think that if my father were aware of all that I do for my business, he would turn green with envy but never admit how impressed he is. He never allowed Florence and me to make suggestions about his store or decide what to sell, although without us it would have gone under years before it did. He preferred the company of mindless servants and would rather that we simply work, keeping our heads down and our mouths closed, than be a true part of his business. We were nothing more than cogs. So to see me now, strategizing and working around challenges like I do, might just shock him right into a coma.
And then there is Florence, the prize of the family, who is praised for everything she does, right down to buying bikes for her sons. Buying things is easy. Putting in time is the difficult part—something that I know so well and for which I have not been praised. If one doesn’t see the outward, constant fruits of one’s labors, then it is hard to understand or believe how hard one is trying. It’s funny: no matter how accomplished I may become with my bookstore, they will never be capable of caring as much as I expect them to. This is no fault of Florence’s but merely the environment in which she was raised. I wish I could go on with my life without holding resentment like this, but I’m not sure how to begin. It is much harder, I suppose, to let things go. One is then forced to deal with oneself. But then again, I deal with myself every day. And once in a while it feels good to hold on to resentment. Sometimes, it’s all that I have to hold on to.
Fawn Birchill/CuriousCatBooks/3m
Fawn here! How excited are we for the #Mark Twain #Event tomorrow!? Post your adjectives!
Fawn Birchill/CuriousCatBooks/2m
Fawn here! #Fabulously, #voraciously, #rapaciously, #loquaciously, #exuberantly, #buoyantly, #over-the-top, #heart-poundingly . . .
Fawn Birchill/CuriousCatBooks/1m
(continued) #shout-it-from-the-rooftops, #head-over-heels #excited for the #Mark Twain #Event!
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Fri, Feb 8, 2019 at 5:09 PM
To: Staff
Subject: Gum
Dear Staff,
Will someone please own the problem of scraping the gum off the sidewalk out front? If you squirt Goo Gone over it and then apply a paint scraper, it should come right up.
Many thanks,
Fawn, Owner
From: Kyle Krazinsky
Sent: Fri, Feb 8, 2019 at 5:16 PM
To: Fawn Birchill, Staff
Re: Gum
Hey Fawn,
Um, do you know how much old gum is out there?
Kyle
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Fri, Feb 8, 2019 at 5:24 PM
To: Staff
Re: Gum
Dear Kyle,
I do not want our refined guests walking over forty-year-old gum to get into my store. Additionally, Angela, can you please dust? And all of you: please ensure NO ONE
uses the customer bathroom, as the floor’s integrity is still questionable. For relief they may use my personal bathroom. Please direct them there if they must go. As there were no volunteers, thank you in advance, Kyle, for taking care of the gum problem.
Fawn, Owner
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Fri, Feb 8, 2019 at 5:30 PM
To: Keith Vandetty
Subject: URGENT: Missing your cue
Dear Keith,
I am emailing you because you are not picking up your phone. You were supposed to be here twenty minutes ago, and I already have people lined up outside begging to be let in. Are you okay? Please get here.
Fawn
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Fri, Feb 8, 2019 at 5:45 PM
To: Keith Vandetty
Subject: URGENT: The show must go on
Keith,
I’ve opened the doors and told people that you would be a little late because your limo got into a minor accident on the way over—who knew I was so good at improvisation? Many have purchased the books and are now standing about eating my pepperoni and cheese and talking about West Philadelphia as if they’ve been here before and are not frightened of it. Some have come from as far as Princeton. There are BMWs parked outside! Please, please for all that is good, get your tush over here! I don’t know how long I can keep them here and keep them happy!
Fawn
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Fri, Feb 8, 2019 at 6:00 PM
To: Staff
Subject: Two things
Dear Staff,
1. Have you seen Butterscotch?
2. Help me think of an excuse for Keith’s absence that won’t make these people feel cheated! I doubt he is going to show himself at this point. I see them eyeing the windows. I don’t think they like being out here after dark.
Fawn, Owner
From: Angela Washington
Sent: Fri, Feb 8, 2019 at 6:08 PM
To: Fawn Birchill, Staff
Re: Two things
Haven’t seen Butterscotch.
What if we say this guy just died on the way here in a terrible car accident?
—A
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Fri, Feb 8, 2019 at 6:14 PM