Confessions of a Curious Bookseller

by Green, Elizabeth

  Many thanks,

  Fawn

  From: Fawn Birchill

  Sent: Mon, Aug 5, 2019 at 8:00 PM

  To: Gregory Harris

  Subject: This is I

  Dear Gregory,

  I grew up in Pennsylvania, just outside Philadelphia, with a younger sister, an undynamic mother, and an overbearing father. We saw very little of the money my father made from his general store in Norristown and so led very simple, threadbare lives. Put to work constantly, we were forced to wake each morning before dawn and assist him before going to school. There, I would struggle to keep my eyes open throughout the day. Sleep became my favorite thing to do aside from pretending I was someone else, anywhere else. So I must confess that I am not who you think I am. All these years, since our very first exchange through letters, I have been untrue to you.

  I have never left the country. I have never really been in love. I have never really been happy. There. Now you know me better than most anyone in the world. I have been ashamed that my business could not live up to the expectations I had put on it, so denial became an easy coping mechanism, as did lying to you about my life. I must admit that I had so much fun writing to you, creating all these wonderful scenarios that I wanted to be true. And I thought that perhaps someday it all would come true. Denial is the gateway to perpetual fantasy, and when you get deep enough into the fantasy, extricating yourself becomes an act of herculean proportions. It took many things to free me from this—things not even worth getting into. However, if you are still planning on coming to Philadelphia to visit the old Curious Cat Book Emporium, I would be truly humbled to have you meet Fawn Birchill. Perhaps then we can get into the nitty-gritty.

  Gregory, you are a true friend, but a friend that still barely understands who I am. And that is my disservice to you. Please, consider meeting me. It would be an honor. I am sorry if I’ve made you angry, and I understand if you have no interest in continuing our correspondence.

  Sincerely,

  Fawn Birchill

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  SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT

  The Curious Cat Book Emporium announces its Going Out of Business Sale this Monday, August 12, through Saturday, August 17. Every paperback 75% off. Every hardcover 60% off. Sales on already reduced prices!! Don’t miss out!!

  THE CURIOUS CAT BOOK EMPORIUM

  Blog Post #8

  The Last Entry

  Dear beloved customers (especially Sybil C.), fellow local business owners, and friends:

  It has been a wonderful run, but with a heavy heart I must say my goodbyes. My life has been so full and rich, but I have found no happiness greater than the satisfaction of opening my store each day. How lucky and privileged I have been to serve each one of you. With my newfound freedom and a little extra cash from the building sale, I may just travel the world, searching out the geographical influences of writers such as Dickens, Conrad, Shelley, and Chekhov, to name only a few. Perhaps I will even write a book on it!

  Please do not hesitate to come in and say your farewells as we wrap things up. Feel free to peruse one last time—we will be having some unforgettable sales.

  I must stress that this is not a declaration of failure but a new opportunity. As many of you know, the Grumpy Mug Bookstop will be moving into this location and continuing its business as usual after the tragic events earlier this summer forced it to close. So like a phoenix rising from the ashes, we are not ending but evolving. I gave up the silliness of being Wiccan years ago, but I still hold on to the idea that all things are cyclical, ever changing, and therefore never truly ending.

  I bid you all adieu and thank you for your years of patronage.

  Sincerely,

  Fawn Birchill

  From: Florence Eakins

  Sent: Fri, Aug 9, 2019 at 5:43 PM

  To: Fawn Birchill

  Subject: The bookstore

  Hi Fawn,

  Are the rumors true? Mom tells me that you are selling your store and traveling the world or something. Are you sure this is the right decision? I tried calling, but you didn’t pick up as usual. What is going on? Is everything okay? Can we talk?

  Flo

  From: Fawn Birchill

  Sent: Fri, Aug 9, 2019 at 6:55 PM

  To: Florence Eakins

  Re: The bookstore

  Florence,

  Yes, the rumors are true. I do not have an exorbitant amount with which to travel, but I believe it will be enough to have fun and live a slightly bohemian lifestyle throughout. It would be lovely to live as Hemingway did in A Moveable Feast. The last time I read that book, I was filled with jealousy, for all that his protagonist did was drink and talk about literature all day! Clearly, he lived a highly evolved life. Sorry, you are not much of a reader and probably don’t know what I am talking about. Moving right along!

  It was wonderful seeing you and Mother yesterday, and thank you for the impromptu and delicious barbecue on your patio. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Mother so happy. I’m not sure if it’s a direct correlation to our father’s passing or just the fact that we were all together with everything finally out in the open. Regardless of the reasons, it was wonderful to see. And it was so nice, as always, to see your boys and husband. It seems that every time I see Little Joe, his voice improves tenfold. He will look back one day and appreciate all that you sacrificed for him so he could reach his goals. Let’s just cross our fingers and hope it’s not all in vain and that he doesn’t become an accountant or something horribly dull like that!

  I plan to see many countries and eventually settle somewhere—possibly England. While I’m traveling you are all, as always, more than welcome to visit me. And you’re absolutely right. I won’t really know if giving up my store is the right decision, nor do I know if it will make me a happier person, but I won’t know any of this unless I try.

  One day I will return for another visit, but for now I will send you postcards!

  Farewell for now, and much love to you and the family,

  Fawn

  From: Gregory Harris

  Sent: Sat, Aug 10, 2019 at 7:18 PM

  To: Fawn Birchill

  Re: This is I

  Hi Fawn,

  I’m shocked, but not as shocked as I thought I’d be, as I’ve suspected something was up through the years. Thank you for sharing this with me. I know it wasn’t easy. I know Fawn Windsor’s life was glamorous and lackadaisical; however, your life doesn’t sound so bad either. I think you are too hard on yourself. And, since we’re being honest . . .

  It’s only fair that I tell you that I am not in real estate. I am a waiter in Old City at this place called Bloo. It’s a new joint that serves cocktails that glow in the dark. It’s terribly gaudy, and I have to wear iridescent rings around my neck and wrists like a prisoner in some cheap sci-fi movie, but it pays the bills. I always wanted to get into real estate, but it was always too scary a leap to take. Like you, I’ve never been outside the country except for one bad excursion to Mexico that I should tell you about sometime. I had a crazy boyfriend in my twenties, ha ha. What else? I’m not married, I’m not dating anyone at the moment, and I live in a small apartment in South Philly over a bubble tea joint.

  It sure was fun to pretend, wasn’t it? I’d still love to meet you. To think we were only a couple of miles from each other this whole time.

  Much love,

  Gregory

  From: Fawn Birchill

  Sent: Sat, Aug 10, 2019 at 7:32 PM

  To: Gregory Harris

  Re: This is I

  Dear Gregory,

  I don’t know what to say. I’m shocked to learn that we’ve both been playing each other like Stradivarii. I daresay that we’ve gained much joy from these letters, and now that I know the truth about you, I feel slightly guilty for ending this fantasy. I suppose this means that you never went to Harvard and you don’t have an apartment in Paris and a house on the Caspian Sea? For years I have secretly hoped that one day you would take me there, but I suppose
it is not in the cards.

  Honestly, it does make me feel better that you were always a little suspicious of what I was writing about my life. I admit that it all was a little too rosy. I tried to muck it up with my constant boredom and my family never getting along (true, by the way), but I suppose it wasn’t enough.

  I am so glad you still want to meet me. Would you like to see my bookstore? It is soon to change hands, but you will be able to catch it in its last days. I am thinking of traveling the world with the money I have made on the building. I won’t be able to buy an estate in England with it, but it’s better than nothing. Do you know that I’ve never even been to Canada? Perhaps I will start there as, due to our proximity, there is simply no excuse to skip it.

  Fawn

  August 13, 2019

  I am not sure where I’ll go or what I’ll do outside of traveling. Just the thought of waking up somewhere else is a bit daunting. No longer seeing the seasons change outside those old drafty windows, nor hearing that familiar creaking in the middle of the night, nor smelling the scent of the lilac bush outside the first-floor kitchen window makes it difficult, and sometimes I just want to break down in tears. But I’m keeping busy in these last days—too busy to think too much about it.

  Father would be disappointed. He would see this as admitting defeat, but unlike him I know when to walk away. I don’t want his legacy. I don’t want to look back on my life and realize that I could have saved myself but didn’t out of stubborn pride. It’s not always admirable to go down with the ship, contrary to what my father believed, and there was never any question that this ship was going anywhere but down. And though I have no fear of being alone or dying alone among my aloe plants and Kleenex boxes, I will choose not to do it here, in this romantic but drafty place that holds the kind of memories that can stifle a person to death. I have spoken so much of seeing England, but the Dalmatian Coast sounds far too ridiculous to pass up, so I think that will be my second experience after Canada. Much like myself, the most exotic place my father ever traversed was Philadelphia’s Chinatown, and that’s only because he made a wrong turn. I don’t think he even got out of his car. As much as I detested him all my life, I need to do this for him almost as much as I must do it for myself.

  Mark Twain is supposed to have said: “Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.” I have had enough good company, I think. It’s time for some fair weather.

  From: Fawn Birchill

  Sent: Fri, Aug 30, 2019 at 2:08 PM

  To: Jack Grisby

  Subject: Gold watch

  Dear Jack,

  Tomorrow I am leaving on a flight to Montreal where I will be sitting at an outdoor café sipping wine and eating delightful cakes. With me I will have a last-minute addition: my childhood friend, Gregory, who has also never been outside the country (except a stint in Mexico that I can’t wait to hear about). We are not lovers, as he prefers the male gender for romantic companionship. And to think, all this time through my letters, I have been subtly wooing him! I digress.

  In a matter of days, you will find a gold watch in the mail that once belonged to my father. He won it during a poker game at an Atlantic City casino when I was very young. A lawyer had put his gold watch in the mix and my father, on one of his rare moments of fortune, happened to win! With the watch he also won $1,000—money that was swiftly lost moments later at the blackjack table.

  In the twenty years I’ve been in business, I haven’t had an employee quite like you. No one has ever been so loyal—almost to a fault—so I simply couldn’t think of a better person to receive this. If the watch doesn’t fit, you can bring it to a watch repairman who will take out the extra links. My father had wrists like a bull.

  I hope you enjoy working for Mark. I know it will not be the same, but stiff upper lip! I will send postcards of my travels, so keep an eye out.

  Sincerely,

  Fawn

  From: Fawn Birchill

  Sent: Sat, Aug 31, 2019 at 10:15 AM

  To: Mark Nilsen

  Subject: Reading

  Mark,

  Thank you for the voice mail, and sorry I missed your call. I am at the airport and only have about thirty minutes before I have to catch my plane, so I will be quick! I am glad Mr. Collins reached out to you and changed his mind about the visit. I am sad to be missing the great author, but I believe he will be back as long as he feels welcomed and it is a successful, well-attended evening—however, I can’t imagine it wouldn’t be.

  I do not know when I will be back. Gregory mentioned staying and getting a work visa in Ireland, and I may join him; however, I’ve always wanted to live in England so we might end up parting at some point. I hope getting those visas is easy. I know nothing about the process at all. Once I get a more permanent address, I will send it to you (and also send for Bert). Please text me photos of the store and keep me updated on all your adventures. Oh, and please don’t forget to feed the alley cats while I’m away.

  I wish you much happiness. It is all that matters.

  Fawn

  From: Sybil Crawley

  Sent: Sat, Aug 31, 2019 at 10:30 AM

  To: Mark Nilsen

  Subject: Be True

  Mark,

  As a longtime customer of the Curious Cat Book Emporium, naturally this is a difficult transition for me. And as my beloved bookstore owner sets sail for new waters—as she gazes off into the sunset, the golden rays reflecting off her sunglasses, her eyes squinting toward an unfamiliar but exciting future—I cannot help but be extremely happy for her. All that said, I am saddened by change, but I also welcome it. Fawn has sold her building and her store to someone who, I think, is a man worthy of receiving it.

  I obviously can’t see inside her soul, but I have the feeling that Fawn knows as well as I do that life is short and that sometimes the best way to live is to learn to let things go—like pets, money, seriousness, lovers, and sometimes one’s business. In the time I’ve spent in that place as a loyal customer, I can say with honesty and with a heavy heart that you very well may have purchased the most wonderful bookstore there ever was. And perhaps the saddest thing of all is that there will be no great sending off, no dramatic conclusion, no orchestral denouement. Just a quiet cessation, as there is in real life: the folding of the hands upon the chest, the closing eyes, the wintry end—a new silence in an unruly world.

  But then, it isn’t all ending, is it? You have pulled the curtain aside to reveal a new life hidden between those dusty walls. I am eager to patronize your store just as I did the Curious Cat Book Emporium, but remember that you have been given an opportunity to rise again, so you must be careful. Take her out slowly, sail with the wind at your back, keep your shipmates close and happy, and always, always be fair and true.

  Your future customer,

  Sybil C.

  From: Mark Nilsen

  Sent: Sat, Aug 31, 2019 at 10:45 AM

  To: Fawn Birchill

  Fwd: Be True

  Hi Fawn,

  I know you wrote this email. All the same, thanks for the well wishes and your signature hyperbole. I’ll miss receiving it on a regular basis.

  Take care,

  Mark

  From: Fawn Birchill

  Sent: Sat, Aug 31, 2019 at 11:13 AM

  To: Mark Nilsen

  Re: Fwd: Be True

  Mark,

  No, I most certainly didn’t write this. Do you really think I’m so sneaky that I would think to open two email accounts just for the purpose of emailing you as someone else? This is why we had trouble in the beginning. You must think me completely mad.

  Unfortunately I don’t have time to settle this, as my flight is boarding and Gregory is standing over by the windows chewing his fingers and gesturing like a mime for me to get going. He is actually quite entertaining. I’m surprised people aren’t throwing coins at him.

  We will settle this later. Besides, I don’t see why you care either way since Sybil was nice this time.

  Much l
ove,

  Fawn

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  First I would like to thank my incredible agent, Elizabeth Copps, who believed in this project way back in 2013 when Fawn’s story was in its infancy. Thank you for sticking by me, for fighting for me, and for never giving up hope. I am fortunate to have you as my agent, my champion, and my friend. And to Maria and the entire team at the Maria Carvainis Agency—thank you a thousand times for your support.

  To my wonderful, insightful editor, Alicia Clancy, thank you for your vision, talent, and sense of humor. And to the entire team at Lake Union—thank you for your creativity and hard work throughout this process.

  Thank you, Cindy Johnston, my mother-in-law, who was one of the very first beta readers for this book. You have become my friend and also one of my greatest champions. Your constant support means the world to me.

  Andrea Lynn Green, my talented and beautiful sister, thank you. You’ve been creating with me since we were old enough to scribble sketch comedy out on scrap paper and insist that everyone watch. Laughter got us through a lot and allowed me to see the importance of it in art, life, and relationships. Without you there infusing your unique sense of humor into all things, I’m not sure I would have made such a realization. You are a huge anchor in my life and one of my best friends.

  Mom, thank you for encouraging my creativity, allowing me to try anything I wanted to try, and always accepting me for who I am. You have always been there for me, sacrificing and cheering me on, and I will be eternally grateful.

  Dad and Linda, you have shown me encouragement through the years and have pushed me to keep going, to not lose heart, and to remember what is important. Thanks, Dad, for passing down that Green fighting spirit. It keeps me in the ring.