Toronto Collection Volume 2 (Toronto Series #6-9)

by Heather Wardell

  I wave, and my six-foot-tall little brother hurries over and grabs me in a hug.

  "Ethan!" I wheeze as he squeezes me like he's trying to deflate one of the rubber rafts we used to use at our grandparents' cottage.

  He laughs and lets me go. "Sorry. How are you?"

  I sigh and he says, "Oops. Never mind."

  "No, it's okay. I'll tell you at dinner."

  He's tired, of course, after his flight and the time change from Germany, but he gamely takes a taxi with me back to the city, drops off his luggage at my place, and heads out for dinner. We talk for a while at the table about his career and his life overseas and when he got the elaborate tattoos on his forearms and then about what I've been up to, both postponing the inevitable, but eventually we run down and he says, "So, I can't help noticing the absence of Ryan."

  "Yeah."

  He gives me a sad smile and I gasp.

  "What?"

  I shake my head. "You just suddenly looked so much like Dad."

  "In my teens I'd have punched you for saying that."

  I laugh. "You probably punched me all the time in your teens."

  He shakes his head. "Not after your trip to England."

  "Right, you mentioned that before. What happened with it?"

  "Okay. I was thinking about this on the plane. I don't really know as much as I thought, I'm afraid, but I'm sure we can piece together your teen years."

  I smile, trying to hide my dismay. He doesn't know everything? He's truly my last hope. "Good idea."

  "But first... Ryan?"

  I sigh and explain that my husband is not my husband because I am not his wife.

  Ethan takes a long sip of his wine, which I felt uncomfortable letting him order since in my mind he's still a kid, then says, "I kind of see his point, I have to admit. You don't remember any part of your marriage so I can understand why he feels weird acting like you're married."

  "But isn't it also weird to push me away?"

  "Probably. But maybe more tolerably weird. Since both options are weird."

  I grimace. "When did you get so smart?"

  He laughs. "It was the highlight of the years you lost. So sorry you missed it."

  I look at the tall strong man my brother has become and my eyes fill with tears as I say, "Me too."

  We sit in silence a moment then he gives me an awkward punch on the arm. "Come on, sis, get it together."

  I sniffle, then realize something. "You don't know what to call me, do you?"

  He shrugs. "I keep thinking Kadonna, like we said on that Skype call. But that's kind of stupid. Do you have a preference?"

  "Not Kadonna," I admit. "Sounds too much like I think I'm a pop star. But either Kate or Donna will do. I think I'm both of them somehow."

  "And yet you're not too. Whatever made Donna Donna, a lot of that has to have happened during the years you don't remember. Her trip and everything, and--"

  I hold up a hand to stop him. "You're right, no question. But I want to know more about this trip."

  "In twelfth grade, you did an overseas exchange program. Spent the whole school year in England."

  "That part I know. You told me on the Skype call. Sounds like fun."

  "Yeah. Anyhow, everything was bad at home before you went. Really bad."

  I frown. "How come?"

  He sighs. "This is the part I don't completely understand. I'm sorry. I'll do my best, but you have to remember I was just ten when it all happened."

  "I get it. So? What do you remember?"

  "Well, there was a lot of fighting before you left. I think the parentals didn't want you to go."

  "England is a long way away."

  He nods doubtfully. "Seemed like it was more than that. You guys were really screaming at each other."

  I stare at him. "I never screamed at them!"

  He gives a startled laugh. "Um, you totally did. Mom used to tell people that you were the perfect kid until you were sixteen and then you were a perfect nightmare." He shoots me a wry smile. "Gave me a complex, hearing about how perfect you'd been."

  I don't remember being anything but perfect. Well, not perfect, of course, but I certainly don't remember screaming at my parents. "What did I yell at them?"

  "Usually? Just about how they didn't understand you and they were the worst parents ever. Typical teen stuff. But over the trip, you kept saying you were going to do it and if they tried to stop you you'd just kill yourself instead."

  My mouth falls open and I can't close it.

  He nods. "It was way different than before. You were absolutely determined to go, no question. In the end, they had to let you."

  "And I was gone for the school year?"

  He nods. "You left a few weeks into September and came back partway through the summer."

  I guess England's on a different school schedule than Canada. "Okay. Did I come home for Christmas or anything?"

  He shakes his head. "I remember missing you a lot. Plus, Mom spent all Christmas day crying. Kind of a bummer."

  "Sorry," I say automatically though I don't remember it. "I hope I at least brought you back some good presents."

  He shakes his head again. "You actually came back with nothing. You didn't even have an English accent, which I thought was strange. I'd been planning to tease you for it."

  "Why am I not surprised?"

  He smiles. "That's what little brothers are for, isn't it? I tried once to make fun of you for not having the accent but Mom shut me down. And then we moved and I didn't much want to talk to you any more."

  "Why were you mad at me because we moved? I'm sure it wasn't my idea."

  He shrugs. "Actually, it was. Something went wrong with the school stuff and the year you spent overseas didn't count so you were going to have to do grade twelve again. You said you couldn't go back to the same school. The parents argued with you over it, but then told me one night that we'd be moving to Hamilton the next day. I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye to any of my friends. I was furious at you."

  So we'd moved about an hour away from Toronto. Poor ten-year-old Ethan would never have been able to get back to see his friends. "I'm sorry I did that to you."

  "Yeah, well, I'm sorry too." His neck reddens. "I told you I hated you, and you told me you hated me even more, and... remember I was a kid. I'd never say this now."

  "You'll have to because I want to know."

  He reddens more but says, "I said you should have just killed yourself instead of coming home."

  I stare at him.

  "If it's any consolation, the second I said it I knew it was horrible. I started apologizing but you burst into tears and said I was probably right, then went outside for another run. You'd come back a little overweight so you were running all the time."

  This all seems so bizarre. "So I was so determined to go to England that I threatened to kill myself, then somehow did a year's exchange program that didn't give me any school credits?"

  He nods. "I know it makes no sense but that's what I remember. Lots of fighting, then even more fighting when you decided to do the trip, then lots of sadness when you were gone, then more fights and more sadness and a lot of locking yourself in your bedroom alone after you came back."

  I shake my head slowly. "I don't have a clue about any of this. Don't remember a thing. What were the parents and I fighting about before I went to England?"

  He grimaces. "At first, that you got caught in bed with Jamie Parker."

  I frown, trying to place the name, then stare at him. "The bully? The football player who liked pushing grade nine kids down the stairs?" Jamie had been cute, but so obnoxious that I'd hated him. Horror fills me. "Had he attacked me or something?"

  Ethan shakes his head. "You never said so, anyhow. No, from what I overheard in your fights over the next few months it was more like..." He blushes again. "God, it's hard to say this stuff to your sister."

  "Close your eyes and do it then." I need to hear it.

  To my amusem
ent, he does close his eyes, but my mirth vanishes when he says, "You slept with any guy who'd have you. And from the sounds of it a lot of them would."

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  Ethan opens his eyes and waits for me to respond, but I can't find any words so he says, his voice gentle, "You don't remember that, I assume?"

  I shake my head. "My only memory of that sort of thing is getting my first kiss from Drew Keating. I'm not even sure I ever got another from him."

  "Not that you told me about," he says deadpan.

  We have to laugh at the unlikeliness of my choosing to share my dating details with my little brother, but we both sober quickly and I say, "I... Ethan, I can't believe I slept with Jamie. Are you sure?"

  He nods slowly, uncomfortably. "And it wasn't just him either. They kept catching you. People would call saying you'd been in bed with their son, you even got caught after breaking into the church down the road with a boy... I didn't know at the time what you were doing, what 'in bed' meant, but yeah. I'm sure."

  I broke into a church to have sex? "What the hell happened to me when I was sixteen? If I was such a good girl before, what happened?"

  "I don't know, Donna," he says, and I try not to flinch at his use of the name. That's how he knows me, after all. Just because I'm not Donna doesn't mean he can't call me that. Besides, he's going on. "I really don't. But whatever it was, you went from being the perfect child to making Mom cry herself to sleep nearly every night in a few months."

  I rub my hands over my face and give a deep sigh. "Geez, Ethan. With all that sex I'm lucky I didn't--"

  A horrible thought occurs to me.

  He frowns, then his eyes widen and I know he's had the same thought.

  "No," he breathes. "It couldn't be."

  My mouth moves, trying to form words, while my brain is still struggling to accept the possibility. Eventually I'm able to say, "I was gone for ten months or so. You thought I was in England but I came back with no accent and no presents. And fatter than I'd left."

  "And you lost the school year."

  We stare at each other, then I make myself say the unthinkable. "Ethan, did I have a baby?"

  He swallows hard. "I don't know. I..." His eyes shut fast and tight. "The fighting. When you wanted to go. You said you had to do it, that it wasn't right to do anything else. I knew about the trip so I assumed it was about that, but..."

  "They wanted me to get rid of it."

  My whisper is so soft I can barely hear it, but he opens his eyes. "God, you must have refused to... not have the baby. I can't believe they wanted you to do that. But you know how they were about their reputation."

  We share a brief moment of eye-rolling recollection at how Mom always said, "What will people think?" then the amusement fades.

  "They'd have been horrified to have a pregnant teenager."

  "Especially since..." he grimaces but goes on. "Since you might not have known who the father was."

  I hadn't thought of that, and it makes my stomach twist, but he's right. If I'd been even half as promiscuous as he thinks, there's a good chance I didn't know.

  Ethan shakes his head. "I think it makes sense. But there's no way to know for sure. The parents are both gone, you don't remember any of it, if they were keeping it a secret they certainly wouldn't have told everyone else, they even..." He stares at me. "We moved because people at your school either knew or guessed you were pregnant."

  "Definitely." I give him a sad smile. "So it was my fault."

  "And I told you I wished you'd killed yourself. After you gave up your baby."

  He clearly feels awful, and I give his arm a squeeze. "It's okay, little brother. It's totally not your fault."

  "If it's true, you've got a kid out there somewhere. But where? There's nobody who'd know where to look."

  I start to agree with him, then realize something.

  There is one person who might know.

  Someone who'd wanted a virgin bride, and had believed he'd found one. A virgin, just like him.

  "Ethan, would you excuse me a second? I have to make a phone call."

  *****

  By the time I get outside to make my call I've half-convinced myself it's pointless. Ryan would have told me if he knew.

  But I'm only half-convinced. He might not have told me. Keeping quiet makes a horrible kind of sense. I'm sad and disgusted with my previous self, with what she did with all those boys. He might have realized I'd feel that way and decided not to tell me. If he does know, he was probably disgusted too. Is this why Donna left?

  I have to know, so I find his number in my phone and stand in the warm summer twilight listening to it ring, picturing his house. Our house. No, his.

  "Kate?"

  Just that one word from him sends a tidal wave of love through me. He sent me away and I don't like it, but I love him so much and I'm never going to stop.

  Overwhelmed, I can't speak for a second, and he says, "Are you okay? What's wrong?"

  I take a deep breath. "I'm fine." I'll think about how he sounds, how much love and concern I hear in his voice, later. I thought maybe he'd sent me away because he didn't love me but I know now that's not true. But I have something else to deal with first. "I'm having dinner with Ethan."

  "Glad to hear it," he says, but he doesn't sound glad.

  I swallow hard. "Ryan, I have to ask you something and I need an honest answer."

  "Are you sure?"

  Confused by the last thing I'd have expected him to say, I struggle for words but then say, "Of course. Why?"

  He sighs. "It's not always good to get answers."

  Horror is filling me. He's pretty much given me the answer and I hate it. Is he right? Would I be better off not knowing what happened?

  No, of course not. I have to know.

  "Well, I want one." I clear my throat. "Ryan, did I have a baby and give it up for adoption?"

  There's silence for a moment.

  "Her."

  I blink. "What?"

  "Not it. Her."

  I stand staring at the sidewalk. My brain has turned off somehow and all I can hear is "her" echoing through my mind. I had a daughter. I have a daughter. Somewhere.

  "Kate?"

  His voice is the switch to power up my brain again. "Why didn't you tell me?"

  "I--"

  I want the answer to the question but still don't let him finish. "All that time we spent together, all my wondering about what could have made Donna go nuts, and--"

  "She wasn't nuts. Neither are you."

  I ignore this. "You should have told me! Ryan, my daughter is out there somewhere and I have no idea where. Why the hell didn't you tell me?"

  This time I wait for his answer. It takes a while, and when it arrives it's thoroughly unsatisfying. "I couldn't."

  "Why not?"

  He sighs again. "Oh, Kate. It all upset Donna so much. I couldn't do that to you."

  "You had no right to keep it from me," I say, shocked and hurt but unwillingly touched by how sincere he sounds. He was trying to protect me. I disagree with what he did but it's sweet that he tried.

  "I know. I'm sorry."

  "Sorry doesn't cut it. Tell me now." Before he can, I say, "Wait, how do you even know? Did Donna tell you?" I can't imagine that she would have.

  "Can I come to Toronto and see you? I'd rather tell you this in person."

  "Well, I'd rather know right now." Besides, seeing him and then having him leave me again would be unbearable.

  He gives the deepest sigh yet. "Okay. Here goes."

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  "What did he say?" Ethan's eyes meet mine as I take my seat, and my expression must answer his question because he murmurs, "Dear God."

  "Yeah."

  We sit in silence for a long moment before he says, "Are you willing to tell me about it?"

  I look up, surprised. "Of course. She's your niece, after all."

  He shakes his head slowly. "A girl. I have a niece. You have a daug
hter. I can't get my head around it."

  I give a grim laugh. "Trust me, you're not the only one."

  "So how did he know about it? I can't believe she told him."

  "She didn't. They were trying to have a baby themselves, as I'm sure you knew."

  "Nope."

  I stare at him, surprised, and he says, "I figured they probably would eventually but no, I didn't know they were actively... you know."

  I'm still surprised that Donna kept it a secret from her own brother, her only living family, but I go on. "It wasn't happening for them, and some idiot nurse at the fertility clinic they went to said something about secondary infertility. Ryan asked what that meant and she said--"

  "It's about not being able to get pregnant a second time."

  "Yeah, how'd you know?"

  "Coworker of mine's going through it now. It's terrible."

  "I bet. Anyhow, that's how Ryan found out Donna already had a child. Her doctor knew about it and must have included it in her file when he sent them to the clinic."

  "Didn't Donna realize Ryan would find out?"

  "I asked that. He said she told him she'd asked to have a note put in her file that her husband didn't know but that either didn't happen or the nurse missed it."

  He winces. "Hell of a way to find out."

  Especially when you thought you and your wife were both having sex for the first time on your wedding night. Donna had stolen that moment from Ryan, and I'd heard the pain in his voice as he said, "I couldn't believe she'd kept something so important from me. She knew how I felt about it. I'd thought she felt the same way but apparently not."

  To Ethan, I say, "Yeah. I think it really upset him."

  "Well, obviously. So then what?"

  "I guess he gave her a pretty hard time about it. About keeping it from him and all that."

  Ryan had actually said, "I told her I didn't know who she was any more. And she said she didn't either." I wasn't going to tell Ethan, because I didn't think it mattered, but suddenly I do tell him because Donna was his sister and he deserves to know.

  He flinches. "She built her life, her adult life anyhow, on being upright and moral. The--" He stares at me. "The teen abstinence thing. Ryan must have been so confused."

  I nod. "He said he challenged her on that too and she said, 'Who better than me to know how bad it is for teens to have sex?'"