Mine to Protect

by Sarah J. Brooks

  “I’m not sure. I don’t think she will. I mean we were fully clothed; it’s not like we were in the middle of screwing each other on the table or anything.”

  Rose and Bronx made their way up to Elaine’s office. Rose could feel her heart pounding hard at the possibility that Noah would be in Elaine’s office, and she would have told him what she found. There was tension between Rose and Noah, but nothing had been worked out or talked about yet so she didn’t know how he would handle hearing that Rose had been sleeping on the table with Bronx.

  But as they walked up to Elaine’s office, Rose saw Noah working diligently in his office. He looked up briefly at Rose and seemed to smile when he thought she might be coming to his office, but when she and Bronx turned and went to Elaine’s office, Noah just put his head down and started working again.

  Rose felt excited that Noah had smiled at her. Maybe he wasn’t as angry with her as she thought he was. Maybe he had just been busy. The incident in the conference room could have been just because he was trying to show Elaine that he wasn’t playing favorites. Rose really had no idea what Noah was thinking, and as soon as everything was straightened out with Elaine, Rose would try and find some time to talk with Noah. She needed to clear the air.

  They hadn’t even closed the door behind them yet before Elaine started yelling at Bronx and Rose. This time, she didn’t just concentrate on her nephew but also took aim at Rose. Rose wasn’t used to being around a woman that yelled and instantly felt herself trying to control her own anger. Elaine was her boss, and if she wanted to yell at them, Rose knew she would have to hold her tongue and not be disrespectful.

  “Are you two sleeping together? Rose, I’m so disappointed in you. Noah said you were a hard worker and would be an asset to this firm,” Elaine asked loudly as Rose shut the door quickly.

  “We fell asleep on the table,” Bronx replied without actually answering her question.

  Rose was grateful that Bronx had spoken up, and she didn’t have to answer the question. Her anger toward Elaine was building, and Rose knew that when she was angry, she had a really hard time controlling herself. She was likely to say or do something that she would regret later if she got angry enough. Elaine didn’t need to know what they were doing outside of the office. She only needed to know that on that day they hadn’t slept together; they had actually been working all night long.

  “Did you come up with a solution? Or is this just one of those times when you pretend like you’re working. Come on Bronx, I can’t keep you here if you aren’t going to actually work. I promised your mother I’d give you a chance if you made it through law school, but I’m not going to have you screwing every woman in the place.”

  “Um, actually yes we did,” Rose said proudly as she stepped next to Bronx.

  Rose wasn’t about to let Elaine win the argument and wasn’t going to address what Elaine was saying about them sleeping together because the truth was they were sleeping together. The shock and surprise on Bronx’s face was similar to that on Elaine’s. Neither of them had considered there was an actual solution. Rose quickly tried to think of a solution and suddenly realized it was right under their noses the whole time.

  “Well, what is it?” Elaine asked without forgiveness of her yelling at them previously.

  “Use Elizabeth’s daughter’s name instead of her own,” Rose said.

  “The daughter is only a toddler. She can’t exactly run a company,” Elaine replied smugly.

  “Right, and there’s no one that’s going to look her up or question the name. Elizabeth will still be involved, as I think that is what the Storms want, but she won’t have to come back to life just yet. If they decide to do that later, we could help with that.”

  “Our other solution was to give Elizabeth a new name and submit the papers under that name,” Bronx added proudly.

  Rose smiled at Bronx as he spouted off another solution. Maybe their night of reading and working had actually paid off after all. Elaine paced her office for a few minutes as she considered the options. It was an unusual case, and she wasn’t sure which option might work the best.

  “Okay, get back to your office; I’ll let you know what we decide to do.”

  With that, Elaine sat back down at her desk and totally ignored Bronx and Rose. The two looked at each other and then slowly left the room. Elaine certainly wasn’t going to praise them for their ideas or apologize for yelling at them, they both knew that.

  “Go ahead; I’ve got something I need to do,” Rose said to Bronx as they left the office.

  “We came up with two ideas, and she said nothing, God, I hate that woman sometimes,” Bronx said under his breath as he walked away.

  Rose knew exactly what he was feeling. They had worked all night long, and she had thought the worst of them, but when they actually gave her their idea, she didn’t respond at all. They were good ideas, and it would have been nice if Elaine had at least acknowledged them.

  “Knock, knock, you got a minute?” Rose asked as she stood in Noah’s doorway.

  “Sure,” he barely looked up.

  “Can we talk?”

  Noah stopped working and looked up at Rose with concern. Rose knew there was so much they needed to talk about, so much that was going unsaid at the moment, but as he looked at her, she just couldn’t bring herself to bring up the subject. She wanted to ask him all he had heard on that phone call that night. Rose wanted to know if he still was waiting for her six months like she had asked, but as she looked into his eyes and felt the tingling all over her body, she couldn’t find the words.

  “Sure, what’s up?”

  “Um, well, Bronx and I came up with a few ideas for the Storm case.”

  “Oh, is that what Elaine was angry about?”

  “Not exactly, she found us asleep on the conference table in our office after we worked all night long.” Rose laughed. “She’s not all that nice to Bronx.”

  “Did you at least have your clothes on?” Noah said without cracking a smile.

  “We didn’t sleep together. We worked all night,” Rose defended herself.

  “So Elaine caught you two, and you got in trouble, and now you’re running to me for help? Is that what this is?”

  “No! I came here to tell you we found some possible solutions. What’s wrong with you?”

  “Oh, I don’t know. Maybe it’s because you tell me you want six months but yet I know you’re bringing random men home all the time. Why are they good enough to be in your bed but I’m not?”

  “They are only in my bed, nothing more. You want more than that from me,” Rose said firmly as she kept eye contact with Noah.

  “Maybe that’s all I want. Maybe I just want to use your body like they do and then have nothing else to do with you. Would that make you feel better? Would that make you say yes?”

  Rose could see how hurt Noah was, and there was nothing she could say that could calm him down. Everything he was saying was true. She was sleeping with another man, and she was letting him have her body. But her heart wasn’t in that, and it wasn’t ready to be with anyone. Rose knew her heart was in a totally different spot than what Noah needed, and it made her feel horrible.

  “I’m sorry,” Rose said as she started to leave the office.

  “That’s it? You’re sorry. No, damn it,” Noah said as he walked across his office toward her. “No, that’s not it. Why is he good enough for you and I’m not?”

  Rose felt her knees shaking as Noah’s hands pressed against her arms. The emotion in his eyes was now too much for her, and she looked away. Every nerve in her body wanted Noah, but she felt the fear that couldn’t be tamed throughout her body as well. It felt like she was on the ledge of a giant cliff, and Noah was asking her to jump off.

  “You’re good enough, Noah. Everything about you is good. Please know that,” Rose said as she pushed him away. “I’m the one who doesn’t deserve you. I don’t deserve anyone that will make me happy. I’m sorry.”

  Chap
ter 24

  She was dreaming, Rose knew it was a dream, yet it felt so perfect. She was back at the party where she first met her husband and standing in the corner. But instead of her husband coming over to see her, Noah walked across the room. His big smile flashed at her, and she melted. Everything around them disappeared as Noah took her hand and pulled her out onto the dance floor. He was confident and charismatic, and Rose couldn’t look away from him. But then when she did finally look across the room and back to the man she was dancing with, it was Derek and not Noah.

  Then her dream moved, and she was in bed with Noah. His hands were gliding up and down her naked body, and she was moaning with pleasure. Noah thrust his body into hers, and she screamed out in utter delight. It was a very pleasant dream as Rose felt her body and Noah’s together. She was floating above the scene then and watching as Noah made love to her, but in the corner of the room there was both Bronx and Derek, and they were watching the scene unfold as well.

  As she moved in her bed, Rose became aware that she was starting to wake up. But she was enjoying her dream way too much. She wasn’t going to wake up just yet; she was curious what would happen next. She willed herself to keep thinking of the pleasure in her dream, to keep feeling the pleasure. But the more she wanted to feel it, the more her mind jumped around and jumbled up what was going on.

  She was at a mountain climbing with her late husband as the next stop of her dream. Then at the state fair with him. Her dream jumped to the night she and Noah had been drinking while at the beach house with Derek. Then things started to turn dark for her. Rose felt the darkness as it took over her dream.

  One man’s face after another popped up in her head. They were men she’d had one night stands with. She didn’t see anything else but their faces. One, two, three, she started to lose count. Rose couldn’t remember any of their names. They were just faces of her desperation to forget her feelings and her past. She felt horrible and finally willed herself to wake up.

  But there was one last scene that her mind wanted to share with her. One more as she started to pull out of her sleep. She was happy; Rose saw her face, and it was smiling and happy. Then Rose was in a living room with two beautiful children sitting on her lap. She turned to her left and saw Bronx sitting there reading a paper as he turned to smile at her. Then she turned to her right and saw Noah smiling at her. Disappointment washed over her, and even her face dropped in the dream. Was Bronx really the man she wanted to marry and have children with or was it Noah?

  Rose had always thought of her dreams as a way of guiding her in her decisions. Of course, she didn’t totally listen to them, but she thought that they were there to tell her something. Dreams were her subconscious trying to talk to her, and she wanted to be ready to listen to what her mind was telling her. But after that dream, Rose really had no idea what her subconscious wanted.

  As she woke up from her dream, it was clear to Rose that she had way too much going on in her life. She couldn’t love as many men as she did and still move forward. There were hard choices that needed to be made. She had no idea what they were yet, but after the conversation she’d had with Noah, Rose doubted that he was going to be interested in her anymore.

  Her one night stands and even her relationship with Bronx had been her coping mechanisms for getting through life. She had needed that pleasure because she didn’t feel strong enough to move through life without it. But the disappointment she felt from her dream and the fight she’d had with Noah—it all had Rose feeling like her life wasn’t in her control, and she was doing a horrible job of trying to control it.

  When she was younger, Rose had a clear vision of what she wanted in life. It might not have been the best vision, but it was clear to her. She moved through life with a purpose and never once second-guessed the decisions she was making. But as the twists of fate had dealt their hands to her, Rose quickly started to lose her sight of the future and got mixed up in the feelings of the past.

  Maybe it was time that she tried to live life without her relationships? The idea scared the hell out of Rose. She didn’t have many other vices that she could lean on when the sex was gone. But she had to move forward. She had tried to cut off the one-night stands once before when she had first started at the firm; but it didn’t work. Her mind raced, and she longed so hard to feel the touch of a man to sooth her anxious mind. Rose didn’t know if it would be any better this time around, but she felt different about it. She felt more motivated to clear her mind and push her own boundaries.

  It was funny that pushing her boundaries involved Rose not having a man in her bed. But that was how her life had turned out. She would be pushing her ability to cope and forcing herself to deal with situations and thoughts that had long taken a back seat in her mind. But she felt more motivated than she had before and hopeful that she could move forward. Motivation was certainly helpful in focusing people to get things done when they wanted to, and Rose was hopeful it would work for her as well. She wanted to be happy. Rose wanted to have a life where she loved a man and he loved her, and she didn’t feel like she was constantly being pulled in every which direction.

  Rose relived the conversation she and Noah had had in his office and the look he had given her. She wanted more for herself; Rose wanted more for her life. He had poured his heart out to her, and she to him; they were raw and honest with each other. And in Rose’s experience, that didn’t always turn out all that well. She climbed out of bed, and her whole body was sore. There was an ache that echoed through her muscles, and it was a familiar feeling to Rose. Emotional exhaustion, she knew the symptoms oh so well.

  She had felt the same ache after the death of her husband. The emotional toll that event took on her had wiped her out physically for months. She remembered the sore muscles and tiredness very well. But she hadn’t expected to have to deal with it again so soon in her life. It was a sign. Rose knew it was the sign she needed to take some time for herself. She should have been able to work through all her emotions about losing Derek by then, but she had put off that process by hiding her emotions behind men.

  Rose took a deep breath and picked up her cell phone. She needed to call Bronx, and she needed to break things off with him. If she was truly going to take time for herself and concentrate on her own well-being, Rose was going to have to go on a sex fast. No sex, no men, no one-night stands; none of it. She was going to step away from the men in her life and let herself sit in the anxiety of being alone.

  “Hey,” she said as Bronx picked up his phone when she called.

  “How are you?”

  Rose wanted to talk, but she found herself rethinking why she had called Bronx. Once she let him go, there was going to be no turning back. She was going to have to live with the anxiety and tension of not having a man in her bed for awhile. Rose was going to have to deal with the buildup of feelings that she had dulled for so long by having Bronx in her bed at night.

  “I’m tired. Would you mind if we took a little break?”

  Bronx was quiet, and Rose felt anxious with anticipation of how he was going to respond. She liked him. Bronx was a good guy, and their relationship served the purpose she had hoped it would. All of her physical needs were well taken care of by Bronx. But there was an emotional energy that the relationship was taking on her, and that was what she needed a break from. If that meant she had to give up the physical satisfaction as well, then Rose was finally prepared to give it up.

  “Did I do something wrong?” Bronx asked softly. “Let’s have lunch and talk about it.”

  Rose didn’t want to have lunch. She didn’t want to talk about it. There was nothing else to be decided, at least from her point of view. She wasn’t going to continue with Bronx for the time being. Maybe she would go back to him. Perhaps she would find that she missed him horribly and wanted to be with him, but Rose needed time away.

  They had experienced a great few months together. Long nights staying up talking had turned into delicious sex. Rose didn’t feel
bad about any of it. She and Bronx were very well suited to each other, even though he made her feel old sometimes because of his age. But Rose had made up her mind, and when she did that and was motivated, there was no stopping her.

  “Remember our promise to each other when we started this? When it stopped being fun for either of us, we would move on. I’m not in the mood for fun right now; that’s all it is. Really, it has nothing to do with you or with our time together. I’m just not in the mood.”

  Bronx was quiet. Rose could tell she should have had the conversation with him in person, but she hadn’t wanted to wait another moment. She had the courage to cut herself off from the sexual vice she had been leaning on for months and had to use that courage to make the change right then and there. If she waited to see Bronx in person, she feared he would convince her to stay. His bright eyes would look at her with understanding and passion, and Rose would cave in and bring him to her bed again. No, she needed to finish things off right then and right there while she had him on the phone.

  “We are still friends?” he asked.

  “Of course! I’m still going to give you shit at work and steal all your clients. I’m just tired Bronx. I’m an old lady, you know, we get tired.” Rose laughed. “I haven’t been dealing with my own stuff, and I think it’s about time I did.”

  Her joke seemed to have lightened the mood a bit, and Bronx could be heard laughing as well. Rose didn’t want him to feel bad. She just needed time to herself. Bronx was a good guy; hell, he was a great catch for some woman; he just wasn’t the catch she needed anymore. She knew, in the end, he would understand because that was what she liked about Bronx; he was an easygoing guy who didn’t let things bother him too much. He would be alright with her decision; she knew it.