by Owner
"Hell of a downside," I muttered. I glanced back over my shoulder to Caelan to see what he thought. Restrained tears made the silver in his eyes shine like liquid mercury. He still cared for her that much.
A bolt of jealousy slid through me, clenching my fists, then was gone. I had no choice. I couldn't live with myself if I didn't try. God help me, after what I'd just seen from Caelan, I don't think he could have either.
"I'll do it," I said.
"No," Caelan said instantly.
I stared back at him, startled. "What do you mean, no? I thought you wanted this." The thought that he cared enough about me to try to keep me alive lightened my heart a little.
"After you have survived all of this, we cannot jeopardize your life again, not without risking your entire purpose for being here among us." He turned pleading eyes on me. "We can't. Not even for her."
Blood pounded in my ears. I wanted to scream at him. But the misery written on his face forced me to temper my words. "People, whether they're human, Observer or somewhere in-between, are more important than any damn quest."
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"Even at the expense of your own life and those who depend on you?" He gestured to Namere and Thane still waiting on the porch.
"If she dies, I won't be able to live with myself," I said simply. "And if I can't, neither will you." I stared at him, letting him see the truth in my eyes. "None of you." Then I climbed the deck stairs, pushing between Thane and Namere, and headed inside. I didn't wait to see if he followed. The hollowness in my gut commanded that I do this. And Caelan, while he might have had pull over other parts of me, had no influence there. I waited inside the kitchen for Namere and Thane to catch up with me, then I followed them upstairs to Asha's room, nerves twisting my stomach into a horrid little knot. I didn't know what to expect, which turned out to be a blessing and a curse. A blessing, because those few minutes were the last in my life where I wouldn't be haunted by what I was about to see and a curse, because my ignorance left me completely unprepared. They'd dimmed the lights in the room, so I had to move closer to the bed to even see Asha at all. But once I did, I understood why they'd kept the lights low.
She looked far worse than when I'd seen her yesterday. Her face had swollen on the right side until it lost all recognizable features, leaving it a mass of black and blue flesh. The bones of her right arm poked up in all the wrong places, making little tents of her skin.
My stomach lurched and I turned away, trying not to throw up. While I wrangled for control, I resisted the urge to cross myself. I did this to her, albeit unintentionally, and who knows what God would have done to me if I'd called for protection from myself.
I looked to Caelan and the others clustered behind me, just inside the doorway of Asha's bedroom. "Why did you wait? Why didn't you take her to the hospital right away?" 159
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"They could have done nothing for her," Thane said.
"They could have at least set her arm," I said. "Aligned all the pieces so they didn't..." I swallowed hard to keep from gagging,
"stick out."
"This has never happened like this before," Namere said.
"Until now, we have always been able to heal our injuries without difficulty, even the ones from Nevan. But because you took power from her–"
"Yeah, I know, I messed up." I ran my hands through my hair and paced a couple steps, keeping my eyes on the ground. I couldn't steady myself enough to turn back around for another look at Asha. "It wasn't on purpose."
"It means you are more powerful than we with thought. It was not your mistake so much as a miscalculation on Asha's part," Caelan said.
I looked up at the three of them. A distinct sense of energy charged the air around them. "You're pleased about this." My stomach rolled over again with the realization.
"You are no use to us if you are weak," Thane said.
"You guys are sick," I whispered.
"We are not happy that she is injured, merely that our new leader is strong," Namere added.
I ignored them, turning back to face Asha. She was lying with an unnatural stillness, like a dress rehearsal for death, on a mattress on the floor pushed up against the center of the opposite wall.
I stepped closer, kneeling next to the mattress on Asha's good side. She didn't so much as twitch at my approach, and her breathing sounded shallow and wheezy. She wasn't wearing anything beneath the sheet, and her exposed arm was gray with cold beneath the brighter purples, yellows, and reds of her bruised and swollen flesh.
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started to pull it over her.
"Zara, wait," Caelan said. I turned, the blanket still in hand, to see him approaching me. "You must be careful. Her injuries are severe, which leaves her shield greatly weakened. One touch and you will be connected that instant."
"Isn't that the point?" I said.
"If you insist on following through with this, I must stay close, so if Asha begins to fail, I can drop my shield and help you break the connection."
"No, you can't interfere," I said. "I don't have control over this, and I'm not going to risk anyone else getting hurt."
"Asha is likely to be very angry with you. I will not allow her death or her vengeance to destroy you. On this, I will not compromise." His eyes flicked to meet my mine, making sure I understood the implied threat. He didn't want me to do this, but if I insisted, we would do it his way. Or, he'd likely haul me out of here bodily.
"All right," I said. "But don't break in unless it's absolutely necessary."
He nodded, kneeling next to me. Thane and Namere backed up, like they were trying to step out of the blast radius. I pulled the blanket up over Asha's arm, taking care not to touch her. As I did, something inside me pulled toward her, something that recognized its home and desperately wanted to return. I snatched my hand back and held it against my chest.
"So what do I do?" I asked Caelan.
In answer, Caelan offered his hand as the connection point, and I took it, holding it in my own as loosely as possible. Then, I held my breath and reached over and touched the back of Asha's hand.
Her skin was cool and clammy beneath my fingertips, but there was no connection. My gaze flicked over to meet Caelan's.
"Nothing." I pulled my hand away from her. 161
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He looked down at Asha. The tension in his body ratcheted up a few more notches; I could feel it in his tightened grip on my hand. "She exists still," he said, after a moment. "But she has pulled farther into herself, away from the pain." His eyes met mine again, and I didn't have to be telepathic, alien, or otherwise, to see the emotion there. He kept it back from me, hidden behind a polite facade of indifference. He cared for her but more for me and his quest for the truth. So he would not ask me to try again.
I tore my eyes away from him to look at Asha again. If anything, she appeared worse than she had only moments ago, the brilliant discoloration of the right side of her face in sharper contrast to the pallor on the other side.
I reached for her hand again, this time picking it up off the covers and holding it in my own. Her hand was larger than mine, her fingers extending well beyond the edge of my palm. Her index finger was swollen to twice its normal size and the one next to it was scraped raw and missing a fingernail. As I shifted her hand in mine, trying anything to spark a connection, I noticed some of her bones didn't seem to be in place here, either. Pieces of them moved beneath her skin, like sharp little stones in a sack of skin. The sensation sickened me and still there was no connection. What if I couldn't ever get one with her? She would die. And then this would all be over, a little voice whispered in my head. Asha's death would change the vision, make it invalid. All you have to do is...
I didn't let myself finish that thought. I settled Asha's hand more firmly in mine and then squeezed. Hard.
And then I was f
alling, into the darkness, invisible flames tasting my flesh as I went. I cried out for Caelan, then realized I could no longer feel him holding my hand.
Light stuttered and flickered, broken images flashing. Caelan's face. A male human on the floor, bleeding. An open bag 162
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of marshmallows.
I sucked in a breath, suddenly aware that I could feel Caelan's hand again. I opened my eyes. "I can't," I said. "There's nothing to..." I searched for the right words, "...pull me in."
"Try again," Thane urged from behind me.
"She still lives," Caelan said simply. Maybe, but something in her head was broken. What if I'd damaged her brain, leaving her breathing but lost inside? I shuddered.
"She forced you out," Caelan said. "She will not willingly accept your assistance."
So, if I didn't want her death or this kind of half-life on my conscience, I'd have to force her into it. "Fine by me." I seized her hand again. The darkness swallowed me whole, sending me through the flames once more.
Then, just as suddenly as I started falling, I stopped, and the flames receded, though I knew they didn't go far. The darkness here was darker somehow than where I'd come from, soothing almost, like a balm after all that burning. I relaxed and felt myself drifting, unable to concentrate with such peace surrounding me. Get out. The words struck at me, sending sizzling lines of pain through me. I jerked back away from this threat before I realized what was happening. I'd found Asha, or whatever remained of her. She was huddled, a darker place in the shadows, as far from the flames above us as possible.
It seemed odd to me that I would sense her as a separate entity in her own mind, even as I was connected to her body. The last time I'd been lost in her head, unable to figure out which part was me and which part was her. But this time, it was different. I was still myself even within her, so I remembered why I was there. Maybe it was because she had retreated so far within, detaching completely from the shell of her former self. I didn't know and didn't want to spend time contemplating it right now. 163
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I'm here to help you.
Get out! This time it was louder and she managed to push me back farther toward the flames, or so it seemed. But when I looked back toward her, or whatever passed for looking in a psychic connection, she was still the same distance from me. However, the flames, visible in their rippling of the otherwise smooth darkness, had dropped closer to us. I understood then. She was using whatever remained of her strength to hold back the flames, and exerting effort against me weakened her wall against them. You think I want to be here? Let me try to help you, and I swear I'll get out if it doesn't work.
She laughed a harsh, jittery sound. You cannot help me. No one can. No one, No one, she repeated, now as if to herself, which only confirmed my suspicion that she wasn't altogether coherent. Time for a new tactic. I moved closer to her, more the will of my mind than physical exertion. I have something that belongs to you. At least I thought I did. Whatever it was that had drawn my hand to her earlier was still with me, actively pulling toward her, urging me to close the gap between us.
She quieted suddenly. You have taken from me. Now, I had her attention.
Yeah, but I'm returning it to you. You can have it back. I hoped so, anyway. Suddenly, I was wondering about the wisdom of this particular approach.
You caused this. She moved closer, and the power I'd taken surged toward her. You brought the fire, the pain, and the brokenness. She was shouting now, bringing the flames down on me again.
I was defending myself against you. Just take this, whatever it is, and let's get out of here. You can be angry at me outside just as well as you can inside. But Caelan says you need this power back to stay alive.
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dizziness and confusion rather than any sense of physical impact. My borrowed power flowed back into her, like water rolling down a drain, and as it did, held us together as one. If I take her life, this will be over now. Let go of me.
We end this together.
The words tumbled together and the flames descended. Caelan! The cry went out from us, then we were being pulled through the fire again, the flames reluctant to let go before they were finished. And darkness closed over us.
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Chapter 15
Zara. Caelan's voice sounded in my head. I'm closing the connection–open your eyes.
With the abruptness of a lamp being switched on, I felt my knees start aching from pressing against the floor. I opened my eyes and blinked a few times, readjusting to the light. Caelan was still at my side, and Asha was still on the bed, looking as dazed as I felt but a little healthier than when I'd last seen her. Thane and Namere stood behind us, waiting to step in if needed.
"Are you all right?" Caelan frowned. I crawled away from him and Asha, the others scattering as I moved toward the door. "You broke into the connection." Weariness weighted my limbs like wet concrete, and my brain felt too big for my skull. I'd never felt this way after connecting with one of them, so it had to be because I'd connected with two.
"Asha attacked you. If I hadn't intervened, she might have killed you. Your body would have lived on, but your mind would have been destroyed." He moved toward me. "I kept the connection as weak as possible. I didn't pull you into my mind, just reached into hers to pull you out." I tried to curl myself in a ball against him, but my arms and legs wouldn't cooperate. I might have panicked except it required too much effort.
"Zara," he said. "She took from you. You need time to recover." He reached for me.
"Don't touch me," I whispered.
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to get out of the way.
The others intervened. Namere lifted a wall of fire up from the floor, and Asha pulled back in mid-leap. Thane stepped forward, and even as Asha struggled to extinguish the flames enough for her passage, he held her in place so she could not move through.
Caelan scooped me off the floor and carried me out of the room.
"I told you not to interfere." My head lolled against his shoulder, despite my best efforts, as he carried me out into the hall and to my room.
"You called out to me." He set me down on the bed, not even breathing hard from the exertion.
"Asha called for you." I tried to scoot away from him, but only the small parts of my body, like my toes, which weren't very helpful for escaping, responded to my commands.
"Yes, but so did you, and I came for you." His eyes were too intense on me, reminding me of that moment when they'd all looked at me with such greed, the latest and greatest weapon against Nevan and anybody else who happened to get in their way. I looked away.
"Whatever. The situation's over, and you've justified your actions. Now, get out." I attempted to push myself into a sitting position on the bed. My side was killing me where Asha had lashed out at me, albeit inside her head. She'd hit the side with the broken ribs. Apparently, even in her mind that blow still packed some kind of physical wallop.
"You're in pain." He lifted a hand toward me. I turned away. "That's new and different how?"
"Let me help you."
"Don't touch me." I scooted away from him, but my slow-torespond limbs twisted in the bed covers, preventing a clean getaway. "You're just looking for another opportunity to tap into 167
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more firepower. You want me to break a few more bones for you–get them all to declare you leader instead of me?" He moved too fast for me, grabbing my arm before I was free from the bed. "You called to me for help, and I came because I did not want to see your body falling to the floor, alive but not living." The silver in his eyes glowed in the dim light, fierce, foreign, and cold.
&nbs
p; "What do you want–a gold star? You did it for yourself," I said. "You think you need me for Nevan." He gripped my arm tighter, almost to the point of pain for me.
"Denying your abilities will not make them any less a reality. You, uncontrolled, are far more dangerous to us than Nevan." I stared up at him, and an absurd bubble in my chest that felt like waiting tears started to break open. "I have to get out of here." I tried to pull away from him.
"Why?"
The bubble in my chest burst, releasing a hiccupping sob.
"Haven't you been paying attention? I almost killed Asha, your...friend." I wasn't quite brave enough to finish that sentence the way I wanted to.
He loosened his grip on my arm, sliding his hand up to my shoulder to comfort me. "But you saved her." A small smile pulled at his mouth, like I'd missed the joke.
I shook my head, something between a scream and a laugh escaping my throat. "You don't get it. After I tried the first time, there was a moment when I was glad that it didn't work. Caelan, I wanted her to die." Sweat, cold and slippery, broke out on my face.
"It is understandable. She abused you sorely and–"
"No," I shouted at him. "Don't you see? For a moment there, I wanted her dead because that meant this would all be over." He shook his head. "You would still be leader. Nevan would still pursue you–"
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"Tell me this, wasn't Asha in that little vision of yours?
Standing up, alive and free, not cold and dead?" Realization spread across his face.
"If I'd followed that impulse and let her die, the vision couldn't have been true anymore, could it?" He remained silent for a long moment, while I tried to regain control over my tears.
"But you didn't."
"What?"
"You didn't let her die."
I threw my hands up in exasperation. "No, but I could have, just as easily. There was a moment there, Caelan, when I was truly on the fence."
