Romantic Comedy Box Set (Helen Grey Series Books 1 & 2)

by Hodge, Sibel

  ‘Here we are. If you can take this part of the ward, we’ve got some other visitors doing the rest. This is Timmy.’ She pointed to the cute one. ‘And then we have Hugo in the corner.’ This was the one with the big forehead. ‘And John.’ She nodded at sleepy.

  ‘Hello.’ Hugo looked at me. ‘Are you our volunteer for the day?’

  ‘Yes, I’m Helen.’

  ‘I’ve had my tonsils out,’ Hugo said, then instantly changed the subject. ‘I think you should see Timmy first, he’s a bit down.’ He gave me a wise nod.

  ‘OK.’ I sat down on the plastic chair next to Timmy’s bed. ‘What are you in for?’ I looked at him.

  ‘I’ve had my dicks cut out,’ Timmy whispered.

  ‘Sorry?’ I sat back, surprised.

  ‘It was hurting and they had to cut it out.’ He looked down at the sheet, fiddling with the edges.

  ‘Oh, my God, that’s awful.’ I took his little hand in mine. ‘Did you have two of them, then?’

  ‘No, only one I think.’

  ‘How do you go to the loo?’ I asked.

  ‘With my tinky.’ He squinted up at me.

  ‘Didn’t you just say they had cut if off, darling?’

  Hugo jumped in. ‘They didn’t cut his dick off. They took his appendix out.’

  ‘Oh, I see!’ I nodded with relief.

  ‘I think sharks are nasty and ugly and have big teeth, just like Billy Gibson. He’s not my friend no more.’ Timmy turned on his side, looking at me with miserable brown eyes.

  I stifled a giggle.

  ‘How do mermaids get pregnant?’ he asked.

  ‘Er…’ I quickly changed the subject. ‘Do you want a KitKat?’ I whipped open my handbag, dived in and pulled one out.

  ‘He’s not allowed any sweets at the moment,’ Hugo interjected. ‘Nurse says so.’

  I put it in the locker beside his bed. ‘I’ll leave it in here, and you can eat it when nurse says so. OK?’

  ‘OK,’ he replied, eyeing the KitKat with interest. ‘Can you get me a book, please?’

  I wandered over to the corner of the ward, rummaging around in the books. ‘Any particular one?’ I looked over my shoulder at him.

  ‘The one about the dolphin and the radiogator.’ Timmy smiled for the first time.

  ‘The what?’

  ‘He means the dolphin and the alligator,’ Hugo said.

  I grabbed the book and took it over to him. ‘Here you go.’ I ruffled his hair. ‘Are you OK now?’

  ‘Mmm. Did you know that dolphins breathe out of a bum on the top of their heads?’ he replied, then became engrossed in the story.

  ‘Come and talk to me.’ Hugo put down his book.

  I picked up my bag and sat next to him. By this time John had started waking up and glared at me.

  ‘Who’s that thing?’ John asked Hugo, pointing at me.

  ‘Hi, John, I’m Helen, your visitor for the day. Did you have a nice sleep?’

  He replied with a blank look.

  ‘I’ll come over and see you in a minute.’ I smiled at him.

  ‘Just ignore him.’ Hugo leaned in towards me. ‘He’s really rude!’

  I picked up Hugo’s book, examining it. ‘So you like astrology?’

  ‘It’s very interesting.’ Hugo nodded at me. ‘I bet I can guess what star sign you are.’

  ‘OK, go on, then.’ I wriggled in my seat.

  He put his fingertips to his temples and concentrated. ‘Gemini. Am I right?’

  ‘Wow, are you psychic?’

  ‘Ah, so I am right. The sign of the twins.’ He paused. ‘Do you have a split personality?’ He scratched his head.

  ‘Well, half of me thinks so, the other half’s not so sure. What sign are you?’

  ‘Leo. We’re very compatible, then.’ He gave me a cute smile. ‘Why are you visiting us?’

  You know how every now and then, you meet someone that you have some kind of spooky connection with, like you’ve known them for years? That’s how it was with Hugo. He had this reassuring air about him that made me want to unburden myself. I told him all about Justin and the fourteen day challenge, and it actually felt therapeutic to talk about it with a complete stranger, even if he was only a little boy. He didn’t even think I was a fruit loop, which was a bonus.

  ‘I think you’re very brave, trying all these new things. Most people are scared of change, you know – hey, I’ve got a good idea. Have you ever had your Tarot cards read before?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Shall I give you a reading? You might be able to find out how this challenge is going to end.’ He reached over to a pack of cards resting on his bedside table.

  ‘Oh, yeah.’

  He handed me the pack. ‘OK, you have to shuffle them really, really well and then take one out and lay it face up here.’ He pointed to the bed cover in front of him.

  I shuffled for a few minutes, then turned one over and placed it down. ‘Death.’ I pulled a slightly disturbed face. ‘That doesn’t sound very good.’ I glanced at him, bubbling with anxiety.

  ‘It’s quite a good one actually. It means changes are going to happen. You’re entering a growing phase, and you have to get rid of old and unhelpful habits.’ He read out from a little booklet.

  ‘Interesting.’ I picked another card.

  ‘Ah, the Empress.’ He flicked through his book. ‘This is a good one. You may be pregnant or have impending news of a wedding or of children arriving.’ He tapped the card.

  I thought about Ayshe’s wedding. Maybe Hugo really was psychic and did have the gift for reading these things. ‘Right, this one is the High Priestess.’ I laid it down in front of him.

  ‘Another good one. It means you have to act more on feelings than facts, and trust your intuition.’

  ‘Oh, good.’ I laid down another. ‘The Magician.’

  Hugo had a quick shufti at the book again. ‘Now is the time to stretch yourself to new limits. You have to be daring and adventurous.’

  ‘Why are you talking to the swat?’ John butted in, wiping his snotty nose on his arm.

  I smiled at John and then turned my attention back to Hugo.

  ‘I’m going to boarding school soon,’ Hugo said.

  ‘Wow, how old are you?’ I asked.

  John threw an Action Man, and it hit me on the leg. I rubbed my leg and tried to ignore him.

  Hugo leaned past me, frowning at John ‘I’m ten. But I’m much more intelligent than my age.’

  I had a sneaking suspicion he was right. ‘Won’t you miss your mum and dad?’

  ‘No, I don’t see them much, they’re too busy working. I have a nanny,’ Hugo replied.

  ‘That’s coz they don’t like you,’ John said.

  ‘Shut up!’ Hugo flushed. ‘Tell him to shut up.’ He looked at me.

  ‘John, I’ll come and see you in a minute. Why don’t you let me talk to Hugo?’ I asked.

  John glared at me, huffing in a loud voice. He started cramming sweets into his mouth and throwing the wrappers on the floor.

  ‘Nurse will tell you off.’ Hugo pointed at the wrappers.

  ‘Nurse will tell you off,’ John mimicked and carried on regardless.

  ‘Why don’t you put those in the bin?’ I nodded at the wrappers, looking at John.

  ‘Why don’t you make me?’ John scoffed.

  ‘You could always play with your computer games until I get to you,’ I said to John.

  He stared at me for a while and then picked one up, fiddling with the controls.

  I turned back to Hugo. ‘Have you got any brothers and sisters?’

  ‘No, I’m an only child.’

  ‘Well, never mind. I’m sure when you go to boarding school you’ll make lots and lots of friends.’

  ‘No he won’t,’ John snapped.

  ‘Yes I will!’ Hugo shouted.

  John sat up in bed and pulled a face at us.

  After half an hour of John’s annoying banter, Hugo had finally had enough.
/>   ‘Shut up!’ Hugo shouted.

  I looked at Timmy, who was reading and stuffing the illegal KitKat into his mouth.

  ‘You shut up.’ John turned his nose up at Hugo.

  I swivelled in my chair, rested my elbows on the back of it, looking at John. ‘Do you know what doctors do to little boys who are naughty?’

  ‘What?’ He stuck his chin in the air, defiant but curious.

  ‘They take away all their toys and give them to children who are being good,’ I said.

  ‘Oh, yeah! They can’t do that.’

  ‘They can and they do,’ I informed him.

  John’s eyes darted between Hugo and me. Apprehension slowly registered on his face as he tried to decide whether all his toys would be carted off. ‘How do you know?’ He was wary, just in case I was actually telling the truth, but I didn’t think he was convinced.

  ‘Oh.’ I raked my hand through my hair. ‘It’s well known, isn’t it Hugo?’

  Hugo took my cue and nodded. ‘Oh yes, it’s definitely true.’

  That seemed to shut John up for a while, so I carried on with Hugo. ‘Would you like a chocolate bar and a magazine? Sorry, but I’ve only got a girls’ magazine. It’s Barbie.’

  ‘That’s OK. It’s good to learn about the opposite sex. Justin probably should’ve read Barbie.’

  ‘Ha! You’re reading a girl’s one. Hugo’s gay, Hugo’s gay.’ John stood up on his bed and started jumping up and down on it.

  ‘Get down,’ I hissed at him

  ‘Make me, make me!’ He jumped harder.

  He certainly wouldn’t be getting a Barbie magazine, I thought. And this week there was a special feature on beauty tips and the latest gossip about Barbie and Ken.

  ‘You can’t take away my toys.’ John pointed his finger at me. ‘My mum will beat the shit out of you!’

  ‘That’s no way to speak to a lady,’ Hugo warned.

  I shifted in my chair and faced John. ‘Why will your mum beat me up?’

  ‘She just will. She beats everyone up. I’m going to tell my mum, she’s going to beat you up,’ He chanted.

  ‘John, get back under the covers and be quiet!’ Sister came in and tucked him in bed so tight that he couldn’t move. ‘He’s trouble, that one,’ she said to me, then hurried off.

  I thought about suggesting to her that perhaps an enema might shut John up, but she’d already gone.

  I gathered up my bag and handed Hugo the rest of the KitKats. ‘Here, you can have these, you’re such a sweetie.’ I gave him a kiss on the head.

  ‘I wish you were my mum.’ Hugo gave me a solemn smile.

  I swallowed back a lump in my throat the size of a boiled egg because at that moment, I wished for the same thing. ‘Somehow, I think you’ll be just fine as you are.’

  ‘So will you.’ He waved the Tarot cards at me.

  As I hurried out of the alcove, I passed a big, butch woman stomping up the corridor. Her sleeves were rolled up, revealing arms covered in tattoos from elbows to knuckles. She gave me a dirty look as I walked off. In the distance, John was telling her I’d been horrible to him, and he thought that she should give me a good kicking. I didn’t really want my face rearranged, so I rushed down the corridor like the Energizer Bunny with new batteries.

  As I turned the corner, I bumped into somebody and my bag went flying, spewing its contents all over the polished floor.

  ‘Uf,’ I exclaimed, as I eyed – among various other things – my shimmering lipstick and Tampax rolling along the floor.

  ‘Helen Grey!’

  I glanced up to see Dr Savage. ‘Hi.’ I scrabbled around on the floor, picking things up and stuffing them back into my bag.

  ‘Are these yours?’ He picked up a pair of red, furry handcuffs I’d recently bought to give to Ayshe on her hen night.

  ‘Um…yes, but, they’re not really mine.’

  ‘That’s what they all say.’

  ‘Do you normally pick up furry handcuffs that have jumped out of people’s bags? Is it an occupational hazard?’ I laughed.

  He smiled at me, looking confused. ‘Well, actually no. How’s that ankle of yours?’ He bent down and felt it. ‘Looks OK.’

  I shot a dismissive hand through the air. ‘Oh, it’s fine.’

  ‘Are you visiting someone?’

  ‘I’ve been visiting the children’s ward.’

  ‘How sweet of you. Listen, I tried to call you to check on your ankle, but I think I must’ve written your number down wrong. I’ve been looking out for you in the park, but haven’t seen you walking your dog.’

  ‘Well, it wasn’t actually my dog.’ I didn’t really want to admit that I’d borrowed it for the occasion in case I sounded like a loser with a capital L.

  He put his hand on my elbow, steering me towards the main entrance. ‘Ah, that explains it. Listen, I wonder if you fancy going out for a meal with me sometime?’

  ‘I’d love to!’ Wow, this challenge thing was really hotting up.

  ‘Great. How about tomorrow night?’

  ‘Um…’ I tilted my head, giving the impression of trying to recall what my enormous social diary held for me. I tapped my forefinger on my cheek for a few seconds. ‘Yes, that’s fine.’

  ‘Well, I have your address, so I’ll pick you up at seven-thirty?’

  ‘Yes, OK. I’ll see you tomorrow.’ I watched him wander back into the hospital and sneaked a quick shufti at his backside.

  I was still admiring the view when I heard a familiar voice call my name from behind me. My jaw dropped. It couldn’t be. No, I was hearing things.

  I heard it again.

  I panicked. Breathe. My mouth drained of saliva as I spun round and came face to face with Justin.

  ‘Helen! I thought it was you.’ The corners of his blue eyes creased as he dazzled me with his icy-white teeth.

  I swallowed hard, trying to bring some moisture back to my parched throat.

  ‘J…Justin. What a surprise. What are you doing here?’ Needles danced a beat on my scalp.

  ‘I’ve come to visit a friend – actually a friend of a friend.’

  ‘I’m sorry to hear that. Is it anyone I know?

  ‘No one you know.’ The words sounded forced.

  ‘Oh…good.’ I paused, wondering what to say to him. ‘Which ward are they in?’ I thought I’d try and make polite conversation.

  ‘Er…the…’ he coughed loudly into his hand, masking his words. I could’ve sworn he said maternity ward, though. ‘How are you anyway? You look great.’ His eyes wandered over my body, lingering on my breasts.

  ‘I’m dry – I mean…fine.’ My hand shot to my throat and fiddled with my necklace.

  ‘You certainly look fine.’

  ‘Well so do you.’ I glanced at his expensive suit and immaculate hair.

  ‘Have you got time for a coffee?’ He reached out and put his hand under my elbow, steering me inside towards the cafeteria.

  I was powerless to say no. Somehow I managed to put one foot in front of the other even though inside I’d turned to gravy.

  He stood next to me in the queue as if this was the most natural thing in the world, as if we’d never been apart. I sniffed the air next to me, breathing in his familiar spicy aftershave.

  ‘Why don’t we sit by the window?’ He headed off towards a table.

  I sat down, resting my coffee in front of me. My throat ached for moisture, but I couldn’t drink it. The way I felt now, I’d probably end up pouring it all over myself.

  He grabbed my hand, taking me by surprise. ‘Helen, I’ve missed you so much. I’m so glad I ran into you. I’ve been trying to pluck up the courage to phone you for weeks.’

  I felt his soft, perfectly manicured hand resting in mine, his thumb gently stoking my fingers. The effect was explosive. And scary.

  ‘Have you?’ I managed finally.

  ‘I’ve been thinking a lot lately, and…I want to try again.’ His thumb worked its way underneath my palm. Light, feathery tou
ches designed to make me cave in.

  ‘Oh!’ This was the last thing I expected to hear.

  He took a sip of coffee, his eyes wandering over my face, drinking me in. ‘I know I’ve made a mistake, but I really want you back.’

  I leaned back against the chair. ‘Well…this is a big surprise Justin. I’m…I wasn’t expecting this at all.’ I slipped my hand from his. My head was spinning. Did I want this? Did I want him back? I’d spent the last six months trying to get over him.

  ‘Are you seeing someone else?’ Justin asked.

  I shook my head as a nervous laugh escaped from my lips. ‘No…It’s just that this is a big shock.’

  He ran a hand through his spiky hair. It wobbled slightly, then fell back into place. ‘I can understand that and–’ his gaze travelled to his Rolex. ‘Damn!’

  ‘What’s the matter?’

  ‘I’m sorry, but I’ve got a meeting in five minutes on the other side of town.’ He rose from the chair. ‘Look, here’s what we’ll do; I’ll let you think about things for a while and give you a ring next week to see how you feel. I’ve been a very bad boy, I know that. But I know we belong together. You’re the only woman for me, Helen. We can talk next week and try to sort things out. I won’t pressure you, I promise.’

  He looked so sincere I almost jumped into his arms, but my brain was screaming a warning at me.

  ‘Remember, I’ll call you.’ He took hold of my hand again and lifted it to his lips. Softly, he kissed the back of my hand and strode away.

  When he’d gone, I pinched myself to see if it was real. As quickly as he’d swept back into my life, he’d gone again. I’d dreamed of this moment for so long and yet when it happened, somehow it felt wrong. I’d imagined more apologies, more promises that things would change, but there was none of that. I thought the conversation would be longer, deeper, more heartfelt. Did he really want me back, or did he just want someone?

  ****

  Later that evening, I was on wedding-preparation duty. I sat cross-legged on Ayshe’s floor, helping her wrap almond biscuits in shiny silver paper – well, I tried to help, but neatness was never one of my virtues – she had to undo most of mine and was busy rewrapping them.

  ‘How did you get on at the hospital?’ Ayshe asked.

  ‘You’ll never guess what happened. Go on, guess.’

  ‘You won the hospital lottery?’ she murmured, engrossed in her task.