Romantic Comedy Box Set (Helen Grey Series Books 1 & 2)

by Hodge, Sibel

  ‘I’ve missed you all already, and you’ve only been out here for two days.’ I could feel my eyes welling up. ‘God, what am I going to be like when you all go back to the UK after the wedding?’ I swallowed to stop my eyes watering.

  Ayshe started crying then as well. ‘This is supposed to be a happy occasion. Look at the pair of us.’ She smudged her eyeliner as she dabbed at her eye.

  ‘Now, now. No tears.’ Yasmin hugged me into her warm, cuddly body.

  ‘I know, let’s have a drink.’ Deniz’s eyes lit up at the thought.

  Yasmin slapped him on the head. ‘I think you’ve had enough already. You don’t need a reason to celebrate.’

  Deniz yelped. ‘Get off me, woman.’ He slunk backwards, out of slapping distance. ‘We need to celebrate their coming niptuals.’

  I giggled. ‘I think you mean nuptials.’

  Charlie jumped up and down again, clapping his hands together. ‘And talking of nuptials, the wedding plans are going to perfection! I’ve confirmed and reconfirmed all the arrangements. I’ll get my clipboard in a minute and go through the details with you so far.’

  Deniz looked surreptitiously around the hotel entrance before leaning in closer. ‘Wait until you see what’s in the mini-bar,’ he whispered.

  ‘Oh, I know. They’ve got those fabby honey-roasted nuts in there.’ Charlie licked his lips. ‘Yummy.’

  ‘No, not the nuts. They’ve got condoms in there.’ Deniz nodded at us all.

  Yasmin rolled her eyes. ‘He’s obsessed with the condoms now.’

  ‘Yes, but these aren’t any old condoms. They’re curry flavour!’ Deniz’s eyes lit up like he’d just discovered some really complicated mathematical theory. ‘We’ve only got mild flavour in ours, though.’ He looked disappointed at this. ‘I’m trying to find spicy ones. If you’ve got any spicy ones in your mini-bar, I’ll swap you for the mild ones,’ he said to me.

  ‘Ssh!’ Yasmin said to Deniz. ‘I think we’ll say goodnight now and let you youngsters have some fun. It’s about time Whisky Face here gave his drinking arm a rest.’ Yasmin jerked her head towards Deniz and then gave us all a kiss. ‘We’ll see you tomorrow for breakfast.’ She grabbed Deniz’s arm, pulling him into the entrance of the hotel and steering him – quite reluctantly – away from the bar area.

  ‘Right, let me just grab a bottle of champagne.’ Charlie disappeared.

  Atila picked up my suitcase and led the way to our room after we’d checked into the honeymoon suite.

  Honeymoon suite! God, I still couldn’t believe this was really happening. I was getting married and I was so excited I was about to pop something. I’d finally be a grown up. Not that not being married didn’t make you a grown up, of course, it’s just that I would finally have everything I’d dreamed about. I was actually going to be married to the perfect man at my perfect wedding, and it kind of felt like a fairytale for grownups. I just wished my parents and my nan were alive to see it.

  ‘Oh, this is fantastic.’ I glanced at the huge super king size bed, draped with gold and burgundy cushions of varying shapes and sizes. Antique looking Turkish carpets adorned the marble floor, and the walls were covered with expensive looking wall paper, embossed in a matching colour scheme. But the best bit was a circular Jacuzzi in the middle of the room, overlooking the floor to ceiling glass windows that gave us a fantastic view of the lights below. I couldn’t wait to give that a go.

  ‘This room is fabby-dabby.’ Charlie appeared behind us with a clipboard in one hand and a bottle of champagne in the other. He set the bubbly down next to a tray of glasses on top of the mini-bar and ran a finger over the wallpaper. ‘I thought my room was nice, but this is amazing.’

  I dumped my handbag on the floor. ‘I have to get out of this burka.’ The room was hot, and I was beginning to feel a little claustrophobic in it. I clawed at the eye hole and heard a ripping sound as the material gave way, leaving me with a gaping hole at the front, which now left my whole face exposed. Well, at least I could have a drink easily now.

  Atila put my suitcase on a gold chair near the bed. ‘Right. Let’s get the champagne out.’ He grinned.

  Kalem did the honours, pouring out a toast for everyone, including Ayshe, who had a thimbleful. He slid an arm around my waist and drew me towards him. ‘To my wonderful bride-to-be and our exciting new life in Cyprus.’

  I grinned up at him to the sound of chinking glasses, and my anxiety about the move slipped into oblivion.

  Charlie cleared his throat. ‘Now, if I can have your attention, everyone. I want to go through the finer details of the wedding with you all.’ He perched some reading glasses on the end of his nose and concentrated on his clipboard. ‘OK, we have six days until the wedding. Not a lot of time, people, I know, and most of the arrangements are finalized, so we shouldn’t have to do much. But everyone needs to be on hand, just in case any last minute crisis pops up. Agreed?’ He peered up at us.

  We all agreed.

  ‘Now, there should be plenty of time for the pre-wedding relaxation that Helen and Kalem need before the big day. I’m envisioning sunbathing, cocktails by the pool, and a bit of exploring thrown in. Sound good to everyone?’

  Everyone agreed.

  ‘But we do have a bit of work to do.’ He held a finger up to emphasize the point. ‘The container that’s shipping Helen and Kalem’s personal stuff from the UK will arrive on Thursday, and you both have to be there to sign for it and have it inspected. So I expect you’ll both be a bit busy sorting out the boxes and furniture when it arrives.’ Charlie glanced at Kalem and me. ‘The wedding venue is confirmed, double confirmed, and re-confirmed.’ He peered at us all again to make sure we were taking it in. ‘I’ve already been to Bellapais Abbey several times to check the seating plan, table décor, menu etc. So we should have no problems there. Beautiful place, by the way. What could be more perfect than a wedding set in the ruins of a historic abbey, backlit by exotic lighting, and dotted with jasmine? Superb.’

  Since I’d never actually been to North Cyprus before, I’d had to choose a venue based on photos and the testimonials of other brides. It sounded like that choice was going to be a perfect one, too.

  ‘Ooh, I can’t wait to see the Abbey,’ I said to Kalem. ‘We have to go and have a look at it tomorrow.’

  ‘Your wedding dress needs to be hung properly and aired,’ Charlie went on. ‘If there are any creases from the suitcase, I’ve sourced a dry cleaner to steam them out. The same goes for your suit, Kalem. If you give them to me tomorrow, I’ll arrange everything.’ He paused for a slight breath. Only slight, mind you. ‘Dresses and suits of other parties attending have already been inspected and found to be crease-free and in excellent condition.’

  I giggled. Charlie sounded like he was in the army, arranging warfare manoeuvres with extreme precision. I didn’t think I’d ever seen him be so serious about anything. ‘Other parties? You mean, Ayshe, Atila, Deniz, Yasmin, and you?’ I asked.

  Charlie raised an eyebrow at my giggling. ‘You may mock, but planning a wedding is a very difficult task, you know. And when you asked me to be your official wedding planner, I swore to uphold my duty and give you a perfect wedding.’

  I stopped giggling abruptly. ‘Sorry, Charlie,’ I said, not pointing out that, actually, we hadn’t asked him. He’d kind of volunteered for the job. And as he was a best friend of all of ours, and he’d been so excited about being involved, I couldn’t exactly refuse. And I was really grateful, of course. It would be so nice to be able to sit back and let him take care of the finer details, saving me from spontaneously combusting with nerves. I just hoped to God that he’d followed my colour scheme. If Charlie had anything to do with it, everything at the wedding would be pink, pink, and more pink.

  He released his grip on the clipboard and placed it carefully on the writing desk as if it were a fragile work of art. ‘Finally, I’ve had a slight issue with the wedding song.’ His cheeks turned the same shade as his jumpsuit.

 
; ‘What sort of issue?’ I took a sip of wine and gazed at Charlie over the rim of the glass.

  ‘Well, you wanted Love Me Tender by Elvis, and I could’ve sworn that I double-checked that the CD I brought with me was actually the one with Love Me Tender on it. But…erm…unfortunately, there’s been a mix-up.’

  ‘Spit it out, Charlie. What sort of mix-up?’ Kalem looked amused at how serious Charlie was taking his duties.

  Charlie let out an embarrassed cough. ‘Paul is always putting the wrong CDs back in the case. It drives me mad, you know–’

  ‘Yes, get to the point, Charlie,’ I interrupted.

  ‘The thing is, he was doing a stripping gig at the London Gay Pride festival recently, and he made up a CD for his routine. And…well, that’s the one in the CD case I’ve got.’ He glanced down at his shoes. ‘If you want to change your mind and have Barbara Streisand or Gloria Gaynor as your wedding song, then this CD is perfect, but…well, I’m afraid there’s no Elvis on it.’

  I shrugged. ‘That’s not much of a problem. You must be able to buy another CD of Elvis here.’

  ‘Mmm, that’s the problem, you see. I’ve been looking and I haven’t found one yet. But don’t worry about it. I’m sure I can source that song soon. It’s absolutely nothing to worry about.’ Charlie waved a dismissive hand through the air.

  I smiled to myself. I didn’t even really like Elvis, but it was my nan’s favourite song. Sadly, she’d passed away three months ago so she couldn’t be at the wedding with me, and I thought the next best thing was to have one of her favourite songs playing to remind me of her. That, and the lucky charm she’d given me before she’d died would mean that she really would be with me in spirit, looking down on me for the most important day of my life.

  ‘So, any questions, hmm?’ Charlie asked.

  I gave him a kiss on the cheek. ‘No, I don’t think so. I know you’ll do a fabulous job. Nothing is going to spoil my perfect wedding.’

  ‘Maybe we should let these love birds get to bed.’ Ayshe collected everyone’s glasses and put them on the ornate desk. ‘They must be tired from all that travelling.’ She kissed Kalem and me goodnight on both cheeks. ‘We’ll see you in the morning for a bit of relaxation and de-stressing.’ She gave me a knowing smile. ‘Oh, it’s so exciting!’

  She hugged me tight, her long, almost black hair sweeping over my shoulder. She could read my mind. We were so close that she knew how anxious I was feeling about the wedding and the move here. Yes, what I needed to do tomorrow was just relax with my friends and look forward to a glorious day. Especially the cocktail part.

  Everyone milled out, and I turned to Kalem in the now silent room. Slowly, he traced my cheek with one finger, sending a shockwave of pulses shooting in all directions.

  He leaned forward, brushing my ear with his lips.

  Oooh, goosebump alert!

  ‘So, do you fancy some chocolate?’ He dropped his voice to a whisper.

  Well, if the tingling sensation down below was anything to go on, then HELL, YEAH!

  I yanked the burka over my head, revealing some new Victoria’s Secret red, lacy underwear, which, according to the description, were the number one bestseller in their Minx range. Grrrrrrr, baby. Here I come!

  I quickly fumbled with the buttons on his pert-arse-hugging jeans and pulled his black T-shirt over his head.

  ‘Stay right there.’ Kalem gave me a sexy, lopsided grin and strode to his hand luggage, rummaging around with purpose. ‘No!’ His eyelids flew open. ‘The chocolate body paint has leaked out of the tub. The inside of my rucksack is covered with brown goo. I bet that customs guy didn’t put the lid back on properly.’

  I rolled my eyes. ‘That bloody Dick Head! Ruining my Minx moment!’ I huffed.

  Kalem’s eyes suddenly lit up. ‘OK, plan B.’ He held a finger in the air, then hurried towards my suitcase. ‘I planted a tub of tutti fruiti body paint at the bottom of your suitcase without you noticing. Kind of an extra wedding pressie for you.’

  ‘Oh, goody.’ I sashayed to the bed, beckoning him towards me. ‘You’ve been a very bad boy. You haven’t been getting your five fruit and veg a day.’ I winked at him and struck a pose on the bed. Think coy with a hint of raunchy, and you’d get the picture. ‘I’ll give you some tutti fruiti, and you can give me some veg,’ I drawled, giggling.

  Kalem’s brown eyes darted between me and the suitcase, as he fumbled impatiently to get the key in the lock.

  ‘You need to have a complete body exam by Nurse Fruity.’ I slowly undid my bra, getting into my minxy role-play.

  Kalem roughly tried to thrust the key into the lock. ‘I can’t get it in!’

  ‘Nurse Fruity wants you to get it in!’ I cried, swinging my bra around, à la sexy stripper.

  With a final shove, the lock popped open.

  Kalem opened the case and all the blood drained from his face. ‘What the…’ He stared at the inside of the case and gulped.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ I frowned.

  ‘This isn’t your case.’

  I shot off the bed. ‘It has to be. It looks exactly the same,’ I wailed, clipping my bra back on and pulling out men’s trousers, toiletries, and shoes from the half-empty case. ‘No, no, no!’ I kind of freaked at that point and words came out in an explosion. ‘Shit. Where’s my wedding dress. Fuck. What am I going to do? Bollocks. Whose case is this? Double fuck. My perfect wedding will be ruined.’

  Kalem stood there, thinking. ‘It must’ve happened when you got jumped by the dog.’

  I tried to engage my rational-thinking brain from my freaking-out brain, so I could picture the events that had happened in my head like an action replay. I’d been standing next to Ferret Face. We both grabbed our suitcases at around the same time. The dog jumped me and I fell on the floor on top of Ferret Face. The dog stole my sandwiches and ran off. Ferret Face and I dusted ourselves off. We both grabbed our cases and walked to the exit. Ferret Face tried to say something. Kalem and I were stopped by the customs man. Ferret Face scurried away. Ferret Face followed us. Ferret Face got stuck behind the car park barrier.

  ‘Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!’ I flopped my head forward, tugging at my roots.

  ‘Maybe that guy took your case back to the airport when he realized he had the wrong one.’ Kalem stroked my hair. ‘I’ll give them a ring and see if it’s there.’

  I sat on the edge of the bed in slow motion and stared at a pair of tartan Speedos in the case until my eyes watered.

  ‘Helen, say something.’

  ‘Nothing is going to ruin my perfect wedding. Nothing is going to ruin my perfect wedding,’ I squeaked out my mantra.

  ‘It will be OK in the end. Your case is probably already in lost luggage waiting for you.’ He snatched up the phone by the bed, his forefinger jabbing at the buttons. He fired out rapid Turkish to the receptionist. ‘She’s putting me through to the airport.’ He grabbed hold of my hand, giving it a quick squeeze.

  More rapid Turkish and a few heated hand gestures.

  ‘What did they say?’ I said before he’d even replaced the receiver.

  ‘The lost luggage department is closed for the night. I have to ring back in the morning.’

  I lifted my head, tears bouncing down my cheeks. I needed my wedding dress to have my perfect wedding. Not only because it was the absolutely perfect dress, but because it had my nan’s lucky gold heart charm stitched inside the hem. It had been in the family a long time – passed down from her grandmother to her, she’d pressed it in my hand and made me promise to have it with me on my wedding day to let me know she would be thinking of me from up in that old retirement home in the sky. It was the something old I needed for my wedding day. Maybe it was stupid superstitious nonsense, but if I didn’t get the dress and the charm back, I knew, I just knew, that our marriage would be cursed with bad luck.

  I had to get that dress back if it was the last thing I did.

  Chapter 4

  I tossed and turned that night, boun
cing around on the bed like a Li-lo lost at sea.

  I barely slept, and when I did, I had really freaky dreams. At one point, I was walking up the aisle dressed in a woolly sheep suit, complete with hooves and everything. And I had a diamante tiara resting between my furry ears. I couldn’t quite get the hooves to fit in my strappy cream high heels, so they kept falling off. All the guests were trying to shout something to me, but I couldn’t work out what they were saying. Their mouths opened and closed in slow motion, like goldfish. Anyway, when I got to the altar, Kalem wasn’t there. The groom turned around to face me, and it was a giant ferret.

  When the Mediterranean sunlight filtered through the curtains at 5.30 the next morning I woke up in a cold sweat with a feeling that something wasn’t quite right.

  I lay in bed, on top of the gold satin sheets with my head resting on Kalem’s chest, still staring at the bloody suitcase, my mind going over and over what happened at the airport.

  Because now I had a really horrible feeling.

  ‘You can’t ring the airport.’ My voice came out a hoarse crackle.

  ‘What? Why not?’ Kalem opened a sleepy eye and looked at me like I’d completely lost any marbles that I actually had left in the first place.

  ‘Because Ferret Face knew I had his case.’

  ‘Huh?’

  ‘Yes, he knew I had it. That’s why he tried to chase after us, but I just didn’t realize that’s what he was doing at the time. Don’t you remember? When the customs guy stopped us, he ran away. Then later, when we were driving out of the airport, Ferret Face was following us. I think he wanted to find out where we were going so he could get his case back without drawing attention to it. And also, when I picked up that case, it felt like the same weight as mine, and I packed enough clothes and toiletries to stock a small department store. But the weird thing is that it looks like there’s hardly anything inside it.’

  And then I had two horrific thoughts: 1) This was going to ruin my perfect wedding; and 2) Apart from some very unflattering tartan Speedos, what the hell was in that case?