Romantic Comedy Box Set (Helen Grey Series Books 1 & 2)

by Hodge, Sibel

  Chapter 12

  I grabbed a quick shower. Well, no, I thought it would be quick, but a whole bottle of papaya and lemon shower gel later, I could still smell bloody fish. You don’t even want to know what I pulled out of my hair!

  Another ten minutes of bubbles and spray left me pink and blotchy. Now I smelled like a slightly fruity fish, so I squirted a quarter of a bottle of perfume and half a bottle of body spray on. Great, now I was carrying enough fumes to gas a small country, but at least I couldn’t smell any sea creatures anymore.

  ‘What have you done?’ Kalem almost shrieked at me as he rushed into the steamy bathroom, side-stepping the wet towels I’d flung on the floor. He went into a choking fit from the fumes. ‘I thought you were going to ring me if you found him, not do something that could put you in danger.’

  ‘There wasn’t time! I had to follow him. And it’s a good job I did, otherwise we wouldn’t know exactly what they’re planning.’ I grabbed his arm and yanked him out the door. ‘We have to go back to the Plaza and try to warn Ibrahim Kaya. He was there earlier, but I was a bit occupied following Missing Link and Ferret Face.’ I filled him in on what I’d overheard on the yacht.

  ‘OK. Well just leave all the talking to me this time. We don’t want any confusion about nuts again. The opening ceremony is on Friday. This could be our last chance to get someone to stop this.’

  ‘And what if we don’t get to talk to Kaya?’ I slid behind the wheel, wound the window down so we didn’t pass out from the perfume fumes, and rammed the gearstick into first. ‘Now we have more information about what’s going down, we need a plan B.’

  ‘Going down?’ He threw me a questioning look.

  ‘Yes, I heard that in a crime film once.’

  Kalem thought about this for a while. ‘The assassination is the distraction designed to get the guards away from the statue. If they can’t shoot Kaya, there won’t be any distraction, and they won’t try to steal the statue because the guards will be posted in front of it.’

  ‘So we need to concentrate on stopping Ferret Face from trying to shoot Kaya,’ I said, feeling lightheaded at the enormity of the situation. I took a couple of deep breaths and nearly passed out from the fumes. ‘And how do we do that?’ My mind wandered around various scenarios. ‘Hit him over the head and knock him out?’

  ‘Do you know what room number he’s staying in at the Plaza?’

  ‘No. I didn’t actually see him go into a room.’

  ‘If we hit him over the head, we might have to do it in public, which wouldn’t work.’

  I glanced over at Kalem. ‘Tie him up?’

  ‘Again, how can we do that in public? And I would think Ferret Face might be a bit resistant to being tied up.’

  ‘He might be kinky. We could find out what room he’s in, and I could pretend to be a hooker and tie him up.’

  Kalem gave me a not-in-this-lifetime look. ‘Too dangerous.’

  ‘I know! We could drug him.’

  ‘How?’

  I thought back to the conversation on the boat. ‘Ferret Face is going to the bar at the Plaza after his meal tonight to drink posh cognac. If we don’t get to speak to Ibrahim Kaya, we could buy some sleeping tablets and put them in his drink.’

  ‘Are you nuts? No, let me rephrase that. I already know you’re nuts. How are you going to put them in his drink?’

  ‘I don’t know yet. I’ll have to improvise. Maybe I can pretend to be a barwoman and slip them in there, or…I know. I can try and chat him up. Yes! That’s it! I can buy him a drink, shove in the tablets, and hey presto! Nighty night Ferret Face. Then we can tie him up and wait for help to arrive. The President would have to do something then, surely.’

  ‘I don’t like it. It could be dangerous.’

  It wasn’t really high on my list of fun things to do either. ‘But we might not have any other choice.’

  ‘Anyway, isn’t he going to recognize you from the harbour?’

  ‘Damn. I hadn’t thought of that. Make-up. I need lots and lots of make-up. I’ve got some in my bag. And I’ll put my hair up. It was dark on the fishing boat, and he was looking down at me from the yacht, so hopefully he won’t recognize my face.’ He might recognize my bum, but I didn’t want to even think about that.

  ‘He might need a lot of sleeping tablets to knock him out so we can tie him up with no trouble.’

  I pulled into a late night pharmacy and gave Kalem a wicked grin. ‘Well let’s give him a lot then.’

  ****

  We arrived at the Plaza armed with some extra-strength, fast-working sleeping tablets. The pharmacist assured us that one tablet would be enough to knock someone out for eight hours. I thought that if I gave him three, he’d be in the land of nod for at least thirty-two hours. She also advised us that some people could have a severe allergic reaction to them…

  Me: Oh, yes? What sort of reaction?

  Pharmacist: It can make your hair fall out, or give you hives, or long-lasting diarrhoea.

  Me: Really? Interesting. Very interesting.

  ****

  As we turned into the Plaza’s entrance the traffic was at a standstill. Hundreds of cars lined the driveway, nose to tail. The car park was crammed with people trying to park, and at the entrance to the hotel, hundreds of paparazzi and journalists waited around. A white Hummer limo sat out the front, engine running.

  ‘What’s going on?’ I asked Kalem.

  ‘It must be Jayde arriving to stay at the hotel.’

  I eventually found a space and zoomed into it before a TV crew, complete with cameras and furry microphones, beat me to it.

  ‘Right, let’s get proactive. We need to crush up three tablets, so they’re all ready.’ I rummaged in my handbag, looking for some implement to use. Notepad? No. Comb? No. Camera? No. What? Cigar tin!’ I pulled out a slim cigar tin and emptied out the cigars. I waved the tin at Kalem. ‘If you crush them on the dashboard, we can put the granules inside it.’

  Kalem quickly got to work, grinding the small white tablets into powder and teasing it into the cigar tin as I piled on dark brown eye shadow, lashings of mascara, blusher, and a bright vermillion lipstick. I pulled my hair back into a long ponytail and surveyed the finished look in the visor mirror. Fab. I looked completely different from the harbour. Even I didn’t recognize me.

  He handed me the cigar tin. ‘I’m coming with you.’

  ‘No!’ What if Ferret Face is outside with the paparazzi?’

  Kalem stared at the mass of photographers and reporters. There were probably about two hundred people out there in the mayhem.

  ‘I can’t see him being out there with them. And if I stay in the middle of all those people, he won’t be able to see me anyway.’ He put a baseball cap on his head and pulled the peak down low over his face. ‘I’m not just sitting in the car and waiting for you to come back. It could be dangerous. It’s a chance I’m going to have to take.’ The look on his face meant business.

  I sighed. ‘OK.’ I slid the tin in my handbag and hung my camera around Kalem’s neck as we got out of the Land Rover. There. Now he’d just blend in with the other paparazzi. Hopefully.

  ‘Make way, Just for Women magazine coming through.’ I jostled through the crowd out front.

  ‘Just for Women magazine?’ Kalem questioned me.

  ‘Don’t ask.’ I shook my head and turned to a photographer on my right. ‘When’s Jayde arriving?’

  ‘She’s already arrived. We’re just camping out to see if we can get any more pictures of her. Hey, did you say you were from Just for Women magazine? My wife loves that. Do you have any vacancies for more photographers there?’

  ‘Sorry, they’re all filled at the moment.’

  ‘Look, here’s my card. I’d appreciate a heads-up when there are any vacancies.’ He handed me a white business card.

  I took the card. ‘Sure. Is Ibrahim Kaya here?’ I asked him.

  ‘Yes, he’s busy giving Jayde the star treatment, making sure her roo
ms are OK and all that stuff.’

  ‘How many does she want?’ I frowned.

  ‘She’s got an entourage of about twenty people.’

  ‘Is that his limo?’ I jerked my head towards the Hummer at the rear of the crowd.

  ‘Yes. I think he’s leaving for some meeting with the President as soon as she’s settled in,’ the photographer said.

  I leaned closer to Kalem, whispering in his ear, ‘OK, let’s put plan B into action first. You wait here and blend in until you see Kaya. If he leaves before I get back, you can try to talk to him again. I’ll go to the pool bar and see if Ferret Face is there.’

  He clutched my arm, staring deep into my eyes. ‘I’m coming with you.’

  ‘You can’t! We’ve already been through this. He might recognize you. You need to wait here in the crowd, where he won’t be able to see you.’ I clutched his arm, feeling tears stinging my eyes. ‘I don’t want to lose you. I can do this on my own. I promise.’

  He let out an exasperated sigh. ‘OK, but you have to able to get in touch with me instantly if you need help. Give me your mobile phone. We need to have a link to each other so I know exactly what’s happening.’

  I unzipped my handbag and passed it to him. He dialled his own mobile phone from mine. Reaching into his pocket he answered the call and selected the mute setting on his phone. Then he handed me my phone back. ‘OK, now we have a direct phone line to each other. Keep your mobile in your hand, and I’ll be able to listen to everything that’s going on. That way, if you get in any trouble, I’ll be able to hear it straight away and come and get you. My phone is on mute, so your phone won’t pick up any noise from my end.’

  I took my mobile phone back and held it in my hand. Swinging my handbag over my shoulder, I nodded. A bad stinging sensation worked its way up from the pit of my stomach to my throat. Sort of like indigestion but a hundred times worse.

  Everything will be OK. Everything will be OK. I repeated it over and over again as I entered the foyer. A different receptionist from the night of the nuts was on duty. She smiled at me, and I waved back.

  I ignored the stinging feeling and concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other. Right. Left. Right. Left. Yes, that’s it. Just one small step at a time. You can do this. You can do this.

  Before I knew it, I was coming down the steps in front of the stage. And here was the stage bar. Oh, my God. There was no going back now. This was my chance to take Ferret Face out of action, save the statue and Ibrahim Kaya, and get my wedding dress back.

  I quickly scanned the area and saw Ferret Face sitting on the same sofa he’d been at earlier in the day. Another couple of sofas were full with a rowdy party, and five men and two women sat at the bar. One busy barman served the backlog of late-night drinkers, so I couldn’t exactly pop behind the bar and pretend to be a barwoman without him noticing me. Second option: chat up Ferret Face. And then what? I didn’t have a bloody clue, but I’d have to play it by ear.

  Oh, crap.

  I forced myself to walk to the bar, willing my stomach to stop spinning around at a hundred miles an hour like an out of control roller-coaster. I felt sick, as if I was coming down with a severe case of something gastric. I swallowed down the bile rising in my throat. Come on, Helen, everything depends on you now. There, a few deep breaths, that’s right, steady yourself on the bar. You will be fine. You can do this.

  ‘Would you like something to drink, madam?’ the barman asked.

  What a stupid question. I was about to try and chat up a psycho killer. Of course I wanted a bloody drink! ‘Courvoisier, please.’ I forced my lips to form into the semblance of a smile as I checked out Ferret Face from the corner of my eye.

  OK. Shoulders back, boobs out, lips moistened. Here we go.

  I grabbed my drink and sauntered towards Ferret Face, swinging my hips for good measure. Eyebrow slightly raised seductively, suggestive pout of the lips. Yes, this had to work.

  He took a sip of his cognac, staring at me over the rim of his glass as I sat down on the sofa in front of him and crossed my legs, flashing a bit of thigh for luck.

  ‘Hello.’ I smiled. ‘Mind if I join you?’ I put my handbag on the floor, and rested one arm along the back of the sofa, stroking it with a shaky fingertip, praying it looked sexy and not like I had a furniture fetish. My other hand was in my lap, clutching onto my mobile phone for dear life.

  He studied me for a moment, then calmly crossed his legs. The corner of his lips curled into a smarmy smile. ‘Why not?’ He tilted his head.

  OK, first hurdle over with. Now what the fuck do I say?

  I swallowed, but my voice came out croaky. ‘You have nice ankles.’ I looked at his flip-flop encased feet.

  What? I cringed inwardly. Nice ankles? Why did I say that?

  He glanced down at his ankles like he got told this every day. ‘Yes.’ He nodded towards my glass. ‘Is that Courvoisier?’

  ‘Yes.’ I stopped stroking the sofa and took a sip of the burning liquid but nearly choked. Whoa! That was strong. Did people actually choose to drink this? ‘It’s my favourite drink.’ I took a smaller sip.

  Something feral flashed across Ferret Face’s eyes. ‘Good choice. I like a woman who appreciates the finer things in life.’ He raised his eyebrow, examining me like I was the best thing since the AK-47 was invented.

  ‘So, are you here on business or pleasure?’ I asked, trying to give him a seductive smile.

  ‘A bit of both.’ His smile back was chilling.

  Urgh! That meant he actually enjoyed killing people. What a sicko. My smile dropped a smidgen, but I recovered it quickly before he seemed to notice. ‘Lovely!’

  The barman placed a plate of mixed nuts on the table.

  I took a sip of the warm liquid again for courage. ‘And what line of work are you in?’

  He waved a hand through the air. ‘Let’s not talk about me. Let’s talk about you.’

  I took another sip. If I downed it really quickly, he might go to the bar and get me another one, and I could pour the powder into his drink.

  ‘How much do you charge?’ he asked casually.

  I almost choked on the cognac again. Now I had a stinging throat and a stinging stomach. How dare you think I’m a hooker! I know I’ve overdone it with the make-up, but that’s a bit hookerist, isn’t it? ‘Oh, I’m quite cheap.’ I twirled the end of my ponytail around in my finger, trying to look coy.

  Ferret Face took a handful of nuts and nibbled on them. Now he looked even more like a ferret. Or maybe even a hamster. ‘I like that answer. OK, we have time to discuss money later.’

  Yuck! Do we have to?

  ‘What’s your name?’ he asked.

  What’s my name? Well, I’m not going to give you my real one, you psycho moron. What’s a hookerish name? ‘Candy.’ I smiled.

  ‘Candy?’ he said, looking at me as if he was waiting for me to say something else.

  What? Do hookers use surnames as well? I didn’t have a clue. ‘Candy Cain.’

  ‘Candy Cain?’ He looked at me expectantly, licking his lips, like he was waiting for more.

  What now? How many names are they supposed to have? ‘Candy Cain Sugar Dimple Pie,’ I elaborated.

  He licked his lips again. ‘That’s interesting. I’ve got a condom in my room with your name on it.’

  Ew! Must be a big condom. ‘Fabulous!’

  ‘So, how cheap are you?’

  I wiggled my glass at him and gave him a coy smile. ‘Buy me another cognac, and I’ll tell you.’ I winked.

  He set his own half-empty drink on the coffee table in front of him and hurried towards the bar.

  I rested the mobile phone on my lap. Then I quickly grabbed the cigar tin from my bag. I glanced over at the bar. Good. Ferret Face had his back to me.

  Sweat pricked at my palms. Don’t drop it. You can do this.

  I dragged his glass closer to me and leaned over it, away from prying eyes. Opening the cigar tin, I poured in the ground
up sleeping tablets and swirled the glass. The powder fizzed up like an Alka Seltzer.

  Stop it! Stop fizzing! Oh, crapping hell.

  I poked my finger in and twirled the liquid around at a hundred miles an hour, trying to aid defizzment.

  Phew! It finally dissolved completely.

  I glanced back at the bar again. He was still there, waiting for his order, but now the cognac was spinning around so fast, he would be able to notice something was wrong. I poked my finger in it again to still the cognac.

  Gently, I put the glass back in its original position and sat back on the sofa, crossing my legs.

  Ferret Face reappeared a few minutes later and handed me the drink. He picked up the tablet-laced cognac in one hand and leaned back on the sofa, crossing his legs, studying me.

  ‘Thanks.’ Ha-ha. Pretty soon you will be sleeping for a long time. Hopefully with diarrhoea, hives, and no hair to boot!

  He put his drink back down on the coffee table and pushed the plate of nuts towards me. ‘Nuts?’ He grinned at this little double entendre.

  Yes, thanks, but not yours. I scooted forward to the edge of the seat and took a handful of nuts. I was just about to pop them in my mouth when I heard a loud scream coming from my left.

  I turned my head, just in time to see the receptionist from the other night launch herself through the air at me in a kind of on-the-sofa rugby tackle.

  Bam! The momentum pushed me back into the marshmallow sofa with the receptionist landing on top of me. Nuts flew through the air, and her leg caught the edge of the table, sending Ferret Face’s drink crashing to the floor.

  ‘Agh! What are you doing?’ I tried to say, even though my face was now squashed in between the cushions of the sofa and her armpit.

  Ferret Face leaped up. ‘Oh, I didn’t know you were into women.’ And he hurried away.

  ‘Let…me…up.’ I banged on the sofa. ‘Can’t…breathe.’

  She released her vice-like grip around me and climbed off, slightly panting, her eyes as huge as Cyprus olives. ‘You’re allergic to nuts! You would have died if you’d eaten them.’

  No! She’d ruined it all. No. No. No.