Orphans of Paradise

by Laekan Zea Kemp

  Jax opened his eyes and saw Medina in the chair across from him, his elbows resting on his knees.

  “Don’t try to move,” Medina said. “Do you remember what I said earlier?”

  Jax’s tongue swirled aimlessly in his mouth trying to wet his lips and then he mouthed the word no.

  “That’s ok,” Medina said, pulling his chair closer. “Don’t overexert yourself. You’ve been drifting in and out for two days. You were very…badly hurt.” Medina’s voice grew quiet and his face flooded with grey. “You lost a lot of blood, Jax. But you’re going to be ok.”

  Jax tried to nod, but instead his head fell to the right.

  “You are. Look at me kid. It’s all over with, ok? You’re safe now. You’re going to be ok.”

  The detective rose to his feet and turned toward the privacy curtain, but not before Jax saw his face, how old he looked, how dark the skin was under his eyes.

  With his back to Jax his voice was solid again. “Detective Monroe will sit in here while I’m gone and we’ve got agents covering every entry to this floor. I’ll be back soon.”

  Then he left the room, the door shutting with a loud click behind him. And without moving, without trying to get a good luck at his injuries, and without fighting his body to stay awake, to stay alert and on the lookout for Pascual, Jax let himself fall back to sleep.

  Chapter 45

  Rani

  After seven days in the hospital Medina had Jax transferred to the safe house where a pair of nurses took shifts and stayed with him around the clock. For the first few days no one ventured into Jax’s room. The few times Rani had past by when the door wasn’t closed all the way, he’d been sleeping and the nurse had been sitting in a chair by the window reading a book. When the old woman started noticing Rani more often, face within the doorframe, her eyes on Jax, she started to leave the door ajar most afternoons, the gap always wider than it had been the day before.

  One day when Rani walked by the door had fallen open completely. Not seeing the nurse in her usual chair by the window she decided to step inside, just a few feet, and that’s when she saw his face.

  It was dark, eyes buried beneath that familiar swelling. She knelt down next to him, watching the air drive down to his lungs, every exhale thin and stilted as it passed through his nose. Her hands climbed to the cool sheets folded at his waist. Had she looked this bad, she wondered. No. Jax looked like he had been ripped apart, ripped open, and stitched back together. Every limb was in transition, the pigments dark and unsynchronized.

  Her fingers inched toward him, gently pulling on the sheet covering his body, revealing a few more inches of the skin along his forearm and a thick raised scab from his elbow past his wrist. She heard the soft parting of his lips, he inhaled, and her fingers pulled away. She wondered if he was dreaming or finally on the verge of waking; if he knew she was there and if he wanted to open his eyes but was stopped by the pain.

  “Jax?” she whispered.

  His lips were shaking as if he was trying to force out a word and then Rani heard the click of his teeth.

  “Jax,” she said again.

  He opened his eyes. “Rani?”

  “It’s me,” she said.

  “Rani,” he whispered again. “Water.”

  Rani’s eyes scanned the room until she spotted a clear cup sitting on the windowsill. She carried it over to him, leading the tip of the bent straw toward his lips. He finally caught it between his teeth and started to drink, breathing heavily through his nose. When the glass was empty he let go and closed his eyes.

  “More?” Rani said.

  He tilted his head to one side and Rani waited. His breathing started to slow again, readying his body for sleep.

  Rani crouched there on the floor by his bed until the nurse got back, the sleeve of her sweater brushing Rani’s shoulder as she leaned over them both.

  “How is he doing?” Rani whispered as she rose to her feet.

  “Better,” the nurse said.

  Rani watched the nurse’s hands as she smoothed fresh bandages over Jax’s ribs—his torso still swollen—and she waited for the slight pulling to coax his eyes open again. But he stayed asleep.

  Rani moved to sit by the window, the soft flutter of pages the only sound as she spent the rest of the day watching Jax sleep. She watched his chest rising, tight as he pulled in air, followed by that slow sink of his exhale—measuring every breath, waiting for the quiet. But everything was labored and long and she couldn’t leave.

  She found herself crouched there on the floor for days, just waiting. She needed to see him, to see him getting better with her own eyes and it made her think of Nadia. Of what it must have been like to dwell in that guilt while Rani hid away in that room upstairs, not letting her see her.

  Seeing Jax, the air passing through his lungs with more resolve than the day before, being there to hold a glass of water to his lips, those were the only moments when she didn’t hate herself completely. When she didn’t think about that night she’d found him on the beach. When she didn’t think about what might have happened if she’d never gone after Nadia’s bag, if she’d never woken him, if he’d never followed her, if they’d never come at all. But you did, she thought, and look what’s happened now.

  So once a day she saw him open his eyes, asked if he was thirsty, if he was in pain, and then held the cup of water steady as he drank from it in long deep gulps.

  On the fourth day Jax’s eyes were already opened and his head rising off the bed stopped Rani in the doorway.

  “Did you hear that?” he mumbled.

  Rani crept closer, taking her usual spot by his side. “What did you say?”

  “Did you hear that?” The words fell out in a slur, each syllable struggling past the deep gash that ran from the inside of Jax’s lip to his chin.

  “Hear what, Jax?”

  “We can’t stay here.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “He knows we’re alive.”

  “Who?”

  “Pascual.”

  “No, Jax…”

  “You have to leave.”

  “No. It’s…”

  Jax leaned forward, wincing as he tried to pull himself up. “Don’t come back here, Rani.”

  “Jax, it’s ok.”

  “Get out,” he yelled, slipping onto his back.

  There were footsteps moving up the stairs as the nurse reappeared at the foot of Jax’s bed, followed by Medina whose cell phone was already in the crook of his hand.

  “Rani.” Jax looked up at her, his eyes hard. “Go.”

  “Jax?” Medina’s voice grew faint as Rani stumbled down the stairs.

  Nadia was at the base, an arm reaching for Rani’s hand. “What’s wrong?” she said.

  “I don’t know. He’s barely said a word for days.”

  Rani let her sister lead her to the living room where Elda and Camilla were sitting on the couch. Max had the blinds parted with two fingers, his eyes searching the darkness.

  “It’s ok Max,” Rani said. “I think…I think he just forgot where he was for a minute.”

  “Now that he’s starting to heal, he’s starting to remember,” Nadia said.

  Rani waited downstairs until night fell. Then she put Breezy and Enzo to sleep before lying down on the extra mattress Medina had brought into their room when the blonde girl named Sophie arrived.

  In the middle of the night her eyes sprang open, a faint howl escaping from down the hall. Breezy was awake, the blankets gripped under her chin, her back pressed to the wall. There were footsteps followed by the sound of Medina’s voice. Then a door closed and Rani heard the sharp click of the lock.

  “It’s ok,” Rani whispered, moving toward the edge of the bed.

  But then Jax let out another stifled scream and Breezy was shaking. Rani took Breezy into the crook of her arm, lowering her down to the mattress on the floor. She buried her face in Rani’s chest and Rani used the blankets to muffle the sound. For nearly an
hour the audible manifestations of their nightmares scaled the thin wooden walls, swirling around the sparsely furnished rooms and ricocheting off every solid surface.

  The next day Medina asked Rani to give Jax some time. Her face could easily trigger his fear again, throwing him back into that burning clubhouse, the two of them straddling the window sill, Jax still unable to see a way out. It was too dangerous to send him back to that place, where his life still hung in the balance; where Rani’s life too, depended on him.

  Five days past before the door was unlocked again, two more before it hung free. The nurse had stepped away and Jax was lying on his side, face pressed to the pillow, eyes closed. Rani leaned forward, hoping he would open his eyes and see her. She didn’t want to startle him again.

  One of his legs bent under the blankets and Rani held her breath. She waited for him to move again, to stretch, to yawn. When he didn’t she took a step inside, half of her body still anchored in the hallway. She whispered his name and waited for him to stir. Then again, a little louder, and he opened his eyes.

  He mouthed her name and then cleared his throat. “Rani,” he said.

  She glanced over her shoulder and listened for a moment before stepping inside and closing the door behind her.

  “She’s downstairs,” he said.

  “What?”

  Jax rolled onto his back and nodded toward the window. Rani stepped to the glass and saw the nurse resting in a lawn chair next to the house, a book lying open across her lap.

  “I’m sorry,” Jax said.

  “What?”

  “If I scared you.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I haven’t been sleeping well.” He closed his eyes. “I thought that’s why you were staying away.”

  “No.” Rani moved to the edge of the bed and sat next to him, her thigh falling into the crook of his hips. “Medina told me to wait, to give you some space. And you…”

  “What?”

  “You don’t remember?”

  “Remember what?”

  “You saw me and you thought…”

  “What is it?”

  “Jax, you know you’re safe now, right? You know we’re safe?”

  He nodded. “During the day when I’m awake, I’m fine.”

  “You thought Pascual knew where we were. You told me to leave, to get out of here and not come back.”

  Rani searched Jax’s face, her body relaxing every time a familiar curve was beginning to edge out from beneath his wounds. The scrapes along his forehead were finally starting to turn white, the new skin starting to smooth, and she wanted to press her face to it, to coax it out somehow.

  Her hand moved to his hairline and she traced the smooth skin until it disappeared into his scalp. She felt his breath falling on her wrist, each warm exhale coming faster than the one before.

  “Do you hear me?” he said. “At night. Can you sleep through it?”

  Rani let her hand rest against his arm. “I can’t,” she said.

  He looked away. “I’m sorry.”

  Something brushed Rani’s hand, his fingers reaching for her. She grew still, letting them tangle there with her own.

  “Don’t leave again?” Jax said.

  Rani shook her head. “I won’t.”

  Chapter 46

  Jax

  Jax watched Rani as she glanced down the stairs one last time before stepping back into the room and closing the door behind her.

  “Is she down on the beach again?”

  “I think so,” Jax said. “She disappears every time she thinks I’m sleeping.”

  Rani was wearing one of her sister’s shirts—a white blouse and jeans. Her black hair fell almost to her waist—the first time he‘d ever seen it down and not tied up and away from her face. It fell across her shoulders, soft ends sweeping across his hand as she moved to sit next to him on the bed.

  Jax could see the water churning outside his window, soft tips folding over one another. But he wanted to be closer. He wanted to move.

  “Do you want to walk with me?” he said.

  “But what—”

  “It’s the only way I’ll get my strength back. Medina’s only been letting me walk as far as the back porch. But the doctor said whenever I’m ready I can start going farther.”

  “And you feel ready?”

  “I’ve felt ready since last week.”

  “It’s still cold outside. It doesn’t start warming up until after lunch. Do you want to wait?”

  Jax shook his head. “I’m tired of waiting, Rani. I want to move. I want to walk around. I need the sun on me. Just grab my shoes, will you?”

  Rani reached for Jax’s shoes, her fingers fiddling with the laces.

  “I can do that,” Jax said, reaching for them.

  He swung his legs over the side of the bed, stretching one limb at a time until the stiffness faded. Then he pulled on his clothes slowly, carefully, before letting them fall against his bandaged skin. He placed one hand against the dresser, steadying himself, feigning like he was searching for something else. He didn’t want Rani to see that he was already out of breath.

  “You okay?”

  “Yeah. Ready?”

  The soles of Jax’s shoes reached the sand and he suddenly wished he hadn’t taken the time to put them on. The wind blew cold across his skin, waking the hairs along his arms, stirring every numb part of himself back to life.

  Rani held two brown paper bags, the sandwiches knocking against her thigh as she made her way down the porch steps. Jax fought the urge to take long strides as the caramel sand, flecked with dry grass and stones gave way to the soft white grains climbing up the beach. But when the water, rolling toward him in a thick white cloud, came into view, he couldn’t help but pick up his pace.

  His shoes fell heavier with each step as he made his way through the sand, Rani trudging along next to him. But then the cool air evaporated, along with the air in his lungs, and he felt himself slowing down. His calves were shaking, every muscle aching, and he stopped, hands gripping his sides as he tried not to fold in two.

  “Are you okay?”

  Rani reached for his arm and he tried to shake her off but the motion left him dizzy and he grabbed tight to her hand.

  “My legs are still shit,” he said.

  “We can sit here.”

  “We’re not even past the sea sludge,” Jax said. “We’re almost there.”

  Rani held out her hand and let Jax rework his grip. He didn’t want to have to lean on her, his fingers digging into her palm as they made their way down the beach, his lungs straining for every ounce of her secondhand air. But he liked the feel of her hands, of her hips moving in time with his, and the way his body seemed to jolt when they brushed one another. It made his skin feel new again, alive again. Like his body hadn’t been destroyed completely.

  They found a flat spot where the sand was free of debris and Jax let himself collapse. He fell hard on his knees and he bit down on his tongue trying hard not to make a sound. Rani unpacked their lunch and Jax swallowed the sandwich in two bites before washing it down with one of the twins’ juice boxes. Then he closed his eyes and waited behind red lids for the sun to warm every inch of him.

  A truck whirred past, the tires hitting something with a loud crack, and Jax jumped, his eyes springing open.

  “How have you been sleeping?” Rani asked him.

  Jax thought about the night before, about waking up, hands clawing at himself, cream fibers from the bandages adhered to his chest lodged under his fingernails. But he hadn’t screamed. He woke before Pascual could take him and when he opened his eyes he knew where he was and he knew it was a place where his brother would never find him.

  “Better,” he said.

  Rani’s hand crept over the sand, her fingers curling around Jax’s thumb. He tried to take a breath but the second she took hold of him all of the air left his lungs. He looked down and marveled at how small her hands were, how they barely closed the g
ap around his finger.

  “Why did you go back there?” she asked.

  As he watched her face, the thinnest line of tears hanging on her lashes, the words suddenly took root. He leaned forward on his knees.

  “Was it because of me?” she said. “Because of the way I was to you?”

  Jax thought about her standing in that doorway in her hospital gown; him reaching for her and her flinching. He couldn’t tell her she was right. That it was true. That she was one of the things that had driven him back there. If he did, he’d have to explain why and even he still wasn’t sure. He had to lie. But as he watched her face, moist lashes growing even darker, he couldn’t. Somehow she’d unraveled him, had made him transparent, and there was no use in trying to hide from her.

  “It’s not your fault.” The words fell flat.

  Rani’s hand grew heavy and Jax felt like he would crumble beneath it. His stomach fell and he let go of her.

  “It is,” she said.

  He thought of all of those mornings waking to her face and how he’d let those mornings live inside him, had let them grow into something he’d never let himself want before. He’d seen her broken, every part of her laid bare, and as her wounds gave way to scars, he’d marveled at them as if they were his own. As if she could fix him too, as if she could make him better. He wanted her and he thought she wanted him too.

  “Is that why you’re here?”

  Jax had let his own guilt parade itself as many things. It was his strength, the thing that made him brave, his one redeeming quality. But it could also be his fear, his indifference. It had ruled his life and the way he felt about the people in it. And now he knew how it felt to be fooled by one of its incarnations. Jax pulled himself to his feet.

  “No.” She looked at him, confused.

  “I don’t need your help anymore,” he said and then he turned back toward the house.

  “Jax?”

  Rani reached for his arm but he pulled it away.

  “Jax.”

  “I told you. I don’t need you or your guilt. You don’t owe me anything.”

  ***