Deeper Than Need: A Secrets & Shadows Novel

by Shiloh Walker

  Why not, Noah?

  He slanted his mouth over hers, kissed her roughly. He couldn’t think about all the whys, all the reasons … all the excuses.

  Let me love you.…

  * * *

  He came awake on a harsh groan, his cock throbbing against his belly, his body rigid, need pounding through him in a heavy, almost vicious torrent.

  The image of Trinity beneath him danced through his mind and he growled, shoving the heels of his hands against his eyes in an attempt to banish it from his thoughts, but the memory of her body, imaginary or not, continued to haunt him. His cock throbbed, pulsed in rhythm with his heart as years’ worth of hunger surged to the fore.

  He’d gone all this time, all this time, and managed to ignore this. Why now?

  Because it was Trinity. Because of the way she smiled. Because of the way she moved and the way she laughed and the way her eyes gleamed as her son recounted yet another crazy thought that spun through his mind. Because of the way her hair gleamed gold under the sun and how he thought about fisting his hands in it and holding her steady as he kissed her until she couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think for want of him.

  “This isn’t helping,” he muttered.

  He rolled out of bed, well aware of the fact that not much was going to help. Unless she showed up at the door, and that would just bring him a different set of problems. He’d gotten himself on level ground after years of digging himself out and he didn’t know how he’d handle it if he fell again.

  Fell for her and she …

  He closed his eyes.

  He couldn’t fall again. Not for anybody. Distance was easier.

  Safer.

  Lonelier.

  But safer.

  So he’d handle this on his own.

  Just as he’d gotten through every day for so many years.

  Alone.

  * * *

  “Are you going to the vigil?”

  Noah looked up from the paper he was reading, stared at Ali Holmes as she slid a calzone in front of him. A dozen things to say formed inside his brain and he discarded all of them. He took his time when he said things, something people had remarked upon more than once. There was a reason for it, and that reason was a temper that he’d learned to control.

  In moments like this, it was harder, though.

  The vigil.

  His initial response was to curl his lip and laugh at the stupidity of the idea.

  The Sutter family of saints. Go to the vigil and talk about the patriarch and matriarch of the beloved family, taken far too soon.

  Noah had never been able to lie well, even a polite lie. But how did he say that he’d rather stab himself in the eye with a teaspoon than attend that vigil? A muscle pulsed in his cheek and he looked down, reached for the sweet tea to give himself a minute to compose himself.

  Vigils, every year for the Sutters. Every year, for twenty years. But never one for Lana …

  “No,” he said, his voice gruff. “I don’t go to any of the vigils.”

  Ali arched a brow. “Why not? It’s practically a town party.”

  “Not my kind of party,” he said. Okay, that he could answer. No, when the town gathered for the vigils he tended to go to another part of town. They’d all be gathered at the First Church of Christ, talking about their lost family—the Sutters, who disappeared twenty years ago. But nobody would mention Lana.

  Noah, just trust me, okay?

  He fought to push the ghostly echo of her voice to the back of his mind as he felt the weight of Ali’s gaze.

  The people in town would gather at the memorial the First Church had erected in memory of the Sutter family. Noah would go to the gazebo down by the river. Nobody knew it, but Lana had her own memorial. He’d taken on that project because he wanted a place she would have liked and that had been one of her favorite spots. Each flower planted was a type that she had loved.

  That was her place, and when the whole town gathered to mourn a family who was lost he went to remember her, because almost everybody else seemed to forget she’d ever existed.

  Ali sighed and he looked up. She was staring out the window toward the street. “You know, the way the town acts, you’d think the Sutter family had been saints. I don’t…” She stopped, shrugged. “I’m not speaking ill of them, really. But it’s been twenty years. And they still do this. Is … is that normal?”

  “I am not one to decide what is normal,” he said, smiling.

  She laughed. “Hell, who is?” Then she leaned across the bar and kissed his cheek. “You look pretty sad today, Preach. Hope you’re okay.”

  He shrugged. “I’m good, Ali.” He looked around. “Place is a little empty.… I guess Tate’s already been in?”

  Ali blushed.

  Noah grinned at her. “I hear the two of you were looking at rings a few days ago.”

  “We weren’t looking. We were just in front of the jewelry store. Rings were there.” She sniffed. “And we glanced over. That’s all it was. I swear, people in this town talk about nothing else.”

  He nodded. “Now that’s a fact, Ali. That’s a fact.”

  * * *

  “Are we going out tonight?”

  Lana smiled at him, but the smile, pretty as it was, was a guilty one. She shifted from one foot to the other, and then finally, taking a deep breath, she blurted it out. “I can’t. I … I have to do something.”

  Narrowing his eyes, he studied that guilty expression.

  Do something, he thought. Yeah. Right. Lana was always doing something. Usually the kinds of something that got her into trouble. Burying the various animals that were supposed to be used for dissection in biology. Painting advocacy messages across the doors of the high school.

  She did it with that same look he saw on her face now.

  “Just what are you up to now?”

  “Nothing.” She stared up at him, her face the picture of innocence.

  “Uh-huh.” Dipping his head, he pressed his brow to hers. “You don’t lie very well. Especially not to me.”

  She poked out her lip. “I lie just fine. You just don’t accept my bullshit the way others do.” Lana reached up and pressed her finger to his lower lip. “Look … I just…” She shrugged. “I have to do this, okay?”

  Do this. He shot a look past her shoulder, at the boy standing in the commons, looking alone despite the fact that he was surrounded by a crowd.

  Because the jealousy had already reared its ugly green head, Noah decided to go ahead and ask. “It’s David, isn’t it?”

  “Noah…”

  “I just asked.”

  He didn’t like the way David looked at her. Noah knew Lana wasn’t messing around on him, she wasn’t like that, but he didn’t like the way David watched her. It was too much like the way Noah watched her.

  When she didn’t say anything, he knew he’d been right. Twining a fat red-gold curl around his finger, he said, “Why are you seeing him?”

  “I’m not seeing him.” She made a face. “I’m helping him with something.” Then she slid out from under Noah’s arms and twisted away, looking around. When she turned back to him, the look on her face was serious, her eyes hard as stone. “Listen, Noah, you can’t tell anybody, okay? I know you don’t understand. Just … Noah, just trust me, okay?”

  He blinked. The urgency in her voice tugged at him and he caught her arm, pulling her close. “What do you mean?”

  “Just promise me you won’t.” She lifted a hand and pressed it to his cheek. “Please. Don’t tell, Noah.”

  Alarm blared in his gut. “What’s going on, Lana?”

  “I love you.”

  She pressed a kiss to his lips, hard and fast, as the bell rang. Then she was gone.

  * * *

  Sighing, Noah knelt in front of the flowers he’d picked out for her. They needed weeding. Because it had happened more than once he’d brought the gear he needed, and he set about taking care of it. The flowers were bright, vivid blooms, the kind Lana
had helped her dad put in around their house. A few times, she’d sweet-talked Noah into helping. It wasn’t like you could say no to her. It just didn’t happen.

  Maybe if he’d pushed harder, maybe if he’d listened to that niggle of worry in his gut instead of listening to her, she’d still be here.

  Now, instead, he lived with the guilt, twenty years later.

  “You know, a man can go crazy like that.”

  The low, gruff voice caught his attention. Although the sun was setting at the man’s back, Noah had no problem recognizing him. The broad-brimmed hat and the big frame were unmistakable, the voice even more so. Caine Yoder squatted down next to him and Noah sighed. “Go crazy doing what?”

  “Brooding like you do. It’s been twenty years, you know. It’s time to let it go.”

  He didn’t bother to ask how Caine knew. He might not spend a lot of time in town, but he listened to everybody, noticed everything. Lifting a shoulder in a shrug, Noah said, “I deal with it. Most of the time, it’s something I leave in the past. Letting it go isn’t quite as easy.”

  Caine pulled a few of the weeds up, dumped them in the pile Noah had going. “I see that pretty lady at the Frampton house. Seems to me there’s…” He paused, shrugged. “Something there. Might be easier to pursue it if you could let go of all this.” He looked up and gestured to the gazebo.

  “This?” Noah asked softly.

  Caine smiled. “You finished it, to the day, fifteen years after all that went down. I heard people talk. Heard you lost somebody that day. It’s kind of surprising not many people put it together. Everybody is wailing and gnashing their teeth over the family. But not many talk about her. You gave her a place. That should give you some peace.”

  Then Caine stood up, walked away.

  Peace.

  Noah just shook his head. He wasn’t going to ever really find peace. How could he when there were no answers? Nothing but the bloody streaks left on a window and the blood left on the floor. Nothing else, not in all of the years that had passed between then and now.

  How did a man find peace in all of that?

  Noah just didn’t know.

  He blew out a breath and focused on the flower bed in front of him, pushing the memory out of his head.

  Along with Caine’s words about Trinity. That pretty lady at the Frampton house. Noah wasn’t even going to think about that.

  CHAPTER THREE

  Overslept.

  Check.

  Stubbed his toe coming out of the shower.

  Check.

  Lost his keys.

  Check.

  Running behind?

  Oh, hell. Check.

  Some days, once the hits started a man just couldn’t get out of the way fast enough. It was a fact that Noah was well aware of, and normally he would just roll with it. It was better to just roll with those hits, because when he let it get him mad, it only got uglier. He had a vicious temper—he’d been born with it, but over time he’d gotten a handle on it.

  There were days, though, when he just didn’t want to roll with it. He wanted to reach out, grab the nearest fool causing him problems and just lay into him.

  Like the fool on the phone. The irresponsible, self-centered fool.

  One hand clenched into a fist as Noah fought against the urge to slam it into the hood of his truck as the voice droned on.

  Instead, he stared at the clipboard and tried to breathe past the red rush of rage choking him.

  Calm down. This, too, shall pass. He relied on the words his father had told him so many times.

  It had worked, sometimes, coming from the old man.

  “You can see where I’m coming from, right, Preach?”

  He pinched the bridge of his nose, closed his eyes. “I can’t say that I do.”

  “Aw, now…”

  As another stream of excuses started to come out, Noah bit back the ugly words rising in his throat. He couldn’t go flying off the handle. Trinity Ewing and her cute little hellion were sitting on the porch, eating muffins and drinking juice. Giving in to the temper building inside definitely wouldn’t help matters any.

  Maybe some part of Noah didn’t want to look like an idiot in front of the pretty woman. So instead, he took a deep breath, squeezed the phone so hard he thought he heard plastic crack. And through it all, the bum on the phone continued to ramble on. “Teddy?” Noah said, cutting in. “Enough. You already went through all of this. Just tell me how we’re going to make this job work out.”

  “Well, Preach. That’s just the thing. I don’t see how I can. Not for the next few weeks. It was a lot of money Belinda won. A hundred and twenty-five thousand. You ever seen that kind of money?”

  Noah blew out a breath. “I can’t say I have.”

  “Us neither. So we’re going to Vegas. Getting married.”

  “Congratulations,” Noah said, forcing the word out as the dread continued to rise in his throat. He already knew where Teddy was going with this. He knew it. Please, God. Let me be wrong. “When do you leave? Maybe we can adjust the schedule—”

  “Well, you see … we’re already at the airport in Lexington. We’re flying out just as soon as we can make it happen. I called my brother, but he don’t feel he can work that job all by himself and he got an offer to help do some flooring on the project they got up at the school, so him and the boys are going to do that instead … it’s an easier job, you see. None of them are used to working on a place as old as the Frampton house without me around to help.”

  Curling one hand into a fist, Noah resisted the urge to slam his hand onto the hood of the trunk. “Teddy, you agreed to this project weeks ago. Since when do you back out on your word?”

  “Well. Normally, I don’t. But I don’t need the work now.” There was a smug tone in his voice.

  “I’ll keep that in mind when that hundred thousand is gone. I’ll be looking elsewhere from here on out when I need flooring work done. I guess Caine and his boys will be getting more work coming their way.”

  Before Teddy could say anything, Noah hung up.

  For a minute, he just stood there, staring at nothing. So far, the highlight of his day had been when he had lain in the bed, the echoes of the dream with Trinity fading from his mind, while he dealt with the heavy ache of the erection brought on by the dream. He’d handled it with good old-fashioned hand service as he showered.

  Then he’d dressed, left the house.

  That was the problem.

  He’d left the house.

  Everything since then had gone wrong.

  The worst part, though, Trinity was going to catch some of the bad luck that seemed to follow him like a cloud. Slowly, he turned and met her pretty grey eyes. He was already spinning scenarios in his head.

  He had to take another look at the floors.

  He had to dig out the estimates.

  He had to make some calls.

  He had to go tell her what had happened.

  This was a complete mess.

  * * *

  It was a crazy thing that the grim, broody look on Noah Benningfield’s face didn’t fill her with foreboding the way she knew it should.

  He looked just this side of angry, and judging by the temper she could see firing in his eyes, she suspected he was angry. She suspected he kept a lid on it, probably because of Micah and maybe her.

  But wow, Noah wore the grim, broody look well.

  Of course, there really wasn’t anything he didn’t wear well.

  He came striding her way, his long legs eating up the busted pavement in no time. She hadn’t so much as managed to wipe out any of the dirty thoughts flooding her brain as he came to a halt in front of her.

  “I have some bad news,” he said, blunt and matter-of-fact.

  “Well, going by the look on your face during that phone call, I didn’t think you were going to tell me that everything is moving along ahead of schedule and you will be done here in no time,” she said sourly. The banana nut muffin she’d been e
ating seemed to taste like sawdust now and she put it down, dusting the crumbs from her fingers. Stroking a hand down Micah’s back, she leaned over and kissed him on the temple. “Baby, why don’t you go get busy with your schoolwork?”

  “But Mama—”

  “No buts,” she said, giving him a warning look. He actually paid attention, heaving out a heavy little sigh like she’d all but broken his heart. As he passed through the door, she reminded him, “Remember the off-limits rooms, pal.”

  Micah’s face wrinkled with a sulk, but he nodded and let the door slam shut with a bang as Noah dropped down to sit next to her.

  There was a plate of muffins between them and she lifted it up, displaying it in front of Noah. “Want one?” she offered. “I don’t think I’m going to be overly hungry here in a minute.”

  Noah’s mouth flattened out. “I’m sorry. I…” He eyed the muffins and then shook his head and stared off down the sidewalk like the answers were written there on the ground.

  “Why don’t you tell me what’s wrong so I can stop worrying and just start dealing with the problem?” she suggested.

  “The guys who were handling the floor repairs were supposed to be out today.”

  The word supposed made her belly twist and knot up. Supposed. Yeah, the flooring issues were one of the jobs that just couldn’t be put off, because there were some hazard issues—there was one area, in particular, that really worried her. The pantry just off the kitchen had a spot in the middle of the floor where the floor dipped.

  It was the root of her nightmares about the floors, truth be told. When she’d first moved in, she’d been in there checking things out and it had seemed like the floor had tried to give way under her feet. It was one of the first things down to be repaired, but the crew Noah had found to do the work hadn’t been able to start until this week. It was one of those off-limits rooms, barred off with a bench across the door so Micah wouldn’t accidentally go in there, but the repairs needed to be done.

  “Why do I get the feeling you’re going to tell me the floor work isn’t going to get started as planned?” she asked, her skin going tight and hot.