by Tessa Walton
“Well, see, we talked about how God’s goodness wasn’t necessarily played out for each person, but for humanity as a whole. And I want things to be fair for me.”
“Well, I think that’s what everyone wants.”
“Yeah, but doesn’t everyone have evil hearts? I mean, is it wrong to be mad?” Dove wanted to be made to understand. She needed someone to help her understand.
“Dove, have you read many of the psalms?”
“Well, I’ve read all of them at one time or another.”
“And what emotions are talked about in the psalms?” he asked, pulling his chair closer to her.
“Well, all of them, I guess.”
“Exactly. The emotions come from God. Even anger. I’m sure you have heard of righteous anger. Someone is making you feel unsafe. I don’t think God wants that for any of his creatures. I think you have every right to be angry. The emotions come from God. They’re part of what made us ‘made in his image.’ Does that make sense?”
“So I’m not selfish?” Dove said.
“No, I think you’re human.”
“Thanks. I, uh, I guess that’s all I need,” she said. She wanted to need more. To spend more time in his presence. But she had no good excuse.
“Would you like me to drive you back to Teressa’s?”
“Do you think you could drive me to the motel? I think I want to stay there for a bit.”
“If you’re really sure that’s what you want,” he responded. He went to the door and opened it. “Jessica, we need to drive Dove to the motel. She shouldn’t walk there alone.”
“You got it,” Jessica answered. She stood and put her folder down, closing it and throwing it on the desk. Her desk was a mess of files compared to Nate’s neat piles. They went and got in the car, and Dove climbed in the back of the cruiser. This was starting to seem like a common occurrence now. “You and Teressa have a falling out?” Jessica asked.
“Yeah, you could say that.”
“Sometimes living with your friends can cause that.”
Dove’s phone rang, and she looked down. “Teressa,” she said.
“Maybe you should answer,” Nate said. “I understand you’re angry at her, but don’t you want her to know you’re safe?”
“You’re right,” Dove said, and hit the answer key. “Hey, Teressa. Yes, yes, I’m fine. I’m just going to stay at the motel for a bit. Listen, I really don’t want to talk to you right now. Just know I’m fine, and I’ll tell you if I’m ever not.” Dove hung up.
“Wow, a pretty big fight, then,” Jessica said.
“She had good reason,” Nate defended.
“Oh, I bet you told him all about it,” Jessica said, grinning.
“As a matter of fact, I did,” Dove said. She wasn’t going to be taken down by the likes of Jessica, and she wasn’t embarrassed about liking Nate. It would only be a matter of time before everything was taken care of and she could actually date him. She thought the time was really coming.
They pulled up to the sleazy motel and Dove said her goodbyes. Dove supposed every mid-sized town had to have one, where people went to cheat on their spouse or invited in-laws there “wasn’t room for” inside the house. She walked up and bought a room, which the man told her was ready now. She realized she had left all her things at Teressa’s place. She was tempted to go out and buy a whole new wardrobe or drive home and grab things, but ended up deciding to just live in the clothes she had for now. She’d have to find a better solution soon, but it was only day one. Who knew what could happen between that day and the next one? She hoped it involved her stalker getting caught.
She walked into her room and checked it for bed bugs. Wouldn’t that just be her luck? But it seemed fairly clean and sanitary. She decided she’d go down to Larson’s and eat there. She had a while before dinner yet. She wondered if this place had cable, and was relieved to remember that she had her computer with her in her teaching stuff, though she doubted there was Wi-Fi. She had a couple of movies saved.
If there was one thing Dove was sure she didn’t want to do, it was sit around and be sad. She didn’t believe in getting sad. She believed in taking actions to make your life better. She dimly remembered what the therapist had said about emotions being good and human and godly, but it seemed easier to watch a movie then deal with any of that. So she turned on a silly romantic comedy and sat in bed, waiting for the hours to pass until it would be acceptable to get dinner.
When she did go to dinner, she was surprised to see who she found there. Nathaniel O’Bannon. It was pretty common for the officers to come during their breaks, but he was off now, and still not eating at home.
“Did you want me to cook lasagna for you just because you can’t cook anything for yourself?” Dove asked. She couldn’t help grinning. Something about him validating her again lightened her mood.
“Guilty as charged,” he answered, before slurping up a spoonful of soup. “It’s generally a lot of sandwiches for me, except when I come here.”
“Well, maybe sometime I will have to cook for you.” With that, Dove went up and got her food. She grabbed herself some chicken and mashed potatoes from the hot food bar and paid for her meal.
“Why don’t you come sit with me,” Nate suggested. “No reason for us both to eat alone.”
She had been walking towards a small table on the side of the food area, but she ended up changing her mind and walking back to him. “Very well. I have a question, and I want an honest answer.”
“Shoot,” he said.
“Were you actually sorry for not believing me, or did you just feel convicted by the sermon?”
“Can’t it be both?”
“Would you have apologized if not for the sermon? Maybe that’s more what I mean.”
“Maybe not, but that doesn’t mean my apology is untrue. It just means it was prompted. I learned something from the sermon, and I wanted to act on it. Isn’t that the point of sermons?”
“Touché.”
“I know what I’m talking about sometimes,” he said with a grin and another slurp of soup. Somehow, Dove found the small noise it made endearing rather than annoying. It made him seem almost childlike, not just a big, tough police officer that existed to take away bad guys, but a real person. Someone with emotions.
“Do you think you’re going to catch him?” she asked.
“I think we have to. It doesn’t seem like he’s giving up. I don’t want you in any sort of danger.”
“Well, thanks,” she said, with a small smile. She thought he was being sincere. She wasn’t sure there were many people who sincerely wanted to help her. She realized that might not be being gracious, either; there was Dr. Matthews, and maybe Jessica now that she saw the man, and Teressa probably wanted what was best for her as well. It was easier, though, to say no one wanted to help her. That it was just her and Nate against the world. That would mean she didn’t have to forgive people for their mistakes. She could just assume they were horrible because they had done one thing wrong.
“Can I ask you a question now?” he asked.
“Sure,” she answered.
“Why did you and your husband split up?” Nate asked, and Dove was caught completely off-guard. Nothing had prepared her for such a question.
“Honestly?” she asked.
“No, lie to me,” he said with a chuckle.
“He was having an affair, and he and the woman decided they were both going to leave their marriages and marry each other.”
“Then why isn’t he married?”
“The other woman bailed and decided to try to make it work with her husband.”
“Did you expect it?” he asked.
Dove had to think about that one. “I don’t know that I expected it exactly, but it wasn’t surprising either. We had been having problems almost from the very beginning. I wanted to make things work, but he didn’t. We married young, too young if you ask me, and we weren’t ready to face the problems of the world alone, much l
ess together.”
“I had thought being together would make it easier,” Nate said.
“That’s what you would think if you weren’t married. But, see, while having someone constantly supporting you can be nice, marriage doesn’t actually guarantee constant support.”
“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.”
Dove wondered what to say next. These types of stories always left awkward silences. “So that’s my story. What about you? Why are you single?”
“Honestly?” he asked with a grin.
“No, lie to me.”
“I fell hard for a girl at training. I think it’s the first time … Well, I wouldn’t say I was in love exactly, but the first time I really, really liked someone. I had dated a bit before that, but that was all.”
“Where’s this girl now?”
“She hasn’t contacted me since. Or, barely has. One late-night text with no follow-up. It’s been a while, I know. I’d like to say I’ve 100% moved on, but I’m not sure if that’s the case or not. Right now I’m thinking I need to try someone else, and see what happens.”
Dove told herself to remember that. If there was anything between them, she was just the rebound. She wasn’t offended—heaven knew she considered doing it many times since her divorce—but it wasn’t the same as being wanted.
She finished up her chicken and stood, thankful for being a quick eater. “Well, it was nice seeing you, Nate,” she said. She wanted to make it clear she enjoyed him, but she wasn’t going to flirt anymore. It didn’t seem right.
“Nice seeing you too, Dove,” he said, and he sent her a smile that at one time she might’ve swooned at. But for now, all she could think was “rebound.” She didn’t want to go in thinking such horrible thoughts at the beginning of the relationship.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Chapter
Nate lay in bed that night thinking of just how it went. His mind jumped back and forth between horrible and glorious. At first—Well, at first, she had been flirting, hadn’t she? And she agreed to eat with him. He didn’t see how that could be anything but a good sign. But of course, she had eaten and left quickly. And he told her about Sarah. That made it sound like he wasn’t totally interested in her. Why couldn’t he have watched his words better?
Then he reminded himself for the millionth time that he was not supposed to be getting anywhere with her. That she was a victim in an open case. He hoped that would right itself soon, but for now he had told Leslie that he wouldn’t be trying anything. It would just be easier if he didn’t see her everywhere.
Eventually, he fell into a fitful sleep. He had been hoping for a nice long rest before the double shift he pulled on Fridays, but that didn’t seem to be what was bound to happen. Instead, he dreamed of them.
It was Sarah he saw first. She was sitting on a wall, swinging her legs back and forth. The wall was about five feet high, and he thought it was there to separate a property line. Sarah sat there, whistling like she often did when bored or distracted. She had gorgeous black hair pulled back tight and wore white that shone against her dark skin.
He didn’t see anyone push her, but he saw Sarah fall. She landed hard, and he didn’t realize he was standing on concrete until he heard her bones hit the ground. The crunch was solid and tumbling. He knew if he looked he’d see blood, so he looked away. That’s when he saw Dove. She ran up to where Sarah was lying on the ground. He looked away again, and woke up.
His alarm was blaring. He hit the snooze while trying to turn it off, and considered just going back to sleep until it went off again, but he knew that wouldn’t leave him enough time to get ready. He got up and got dressed. If he skipped breakfast he could sleep more, but that would leave him hungry well before lunch.
He drove to the precinct in a daze. The dream didn’t mean anything to him, not really, and besides, he didn’t believe in dream interpretation anyway. He had been thinking about them a lot, so he dreamed about them. That was clear enough.
“Someone looks dead tired,” Jessica said when he walked inside. “And you haven’t even started the double shift yet.”
“I just need to wake up a bit,” he answered, and saw her walk to the coffee pot. He only drank coffee when he needed it, and Jessica always seemed able to tell when he needed it. She came back with the coffee—black, how he liked it—and put it in his hand.
“Ready for rounds?” she asked. “We’re going to drop by your girlfriend’s first, just to make sure she’s safe.”
Nate saw Leslie’s head snap over, and he frowned. “Stop calling her that. We’re on a case she’s a part of. You know I’d never date someone who was a part of a case.”
“Whatever you say,” she answered. They went and got in the car. “What’s got your knickers in a twist?” she asked as they walked out to the car.
“Leslie had a talk with me about not being involved with anyone we’re on a case with.”
“Oh man, I wouldn’t have said anything if I knew the fuzz were on your back,” she said with a grin. He thought, despite the pseudo-sarcasm, she was being serious. He appreciated that about her. She truly didn’t want him getting into any trouble.
“Can I ask you a question?” he asked.
“I hope it’s about romance,” she said. “As you know, I’m the queen of romance.”
“It is.”
“Then fire away.”
“How do you know if you really like someone or you’re just on a rebound?” he asked. He hadn’t gotten up this morning expecting to ask that question, but it seemed important now that he had said it aloud. He supposed ever since he had told Dove he was trying someone new to get over Sarah, he wondered if that’s all she was. It didn’t seem like that was the case—it seemed like he really liked her—but he didn’t know how to be sure. Was the feeling of butterflies enough to be certain? Didn’t people generally feel butterflies about a lot of people? He just didn’t know if those butterflies would stay.
“Dove’s not a rebound,” she said.
“How do you know?”
“Because I see the face you make whenever I bring her up. That’s not the face someone makes about a rebound.”
“It’s all in the face?” he asked.
“And in your defensiveness, and protectiveness, and general air.”
“Right. You’re sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“Thanks,” he said. That made him feel better. Perhaps even comfortable enough to see Dove. He pulled in to the motel, and got out. “I’m assuming we’re going inside?”
“Just in case. She’s room number 22.”
Nate walked up to the room and knocked at the door. Dove opened it, wearing the same clothes she had the day before.
“Hey. We’re just here to check up with you, make sure everything’s okay.”
“Everything’s fine,” she answered.
Nate hated that word. Fine. Everything was fine. Everyone was fine. It meant nothing. It was a placeholder word for when people didn’t want to explain their emotions.
“Well, we may check up on you again. Just want to make sure nothing happened. If anything does happen, don’t hesitate to call. You have the entire department on board now.”
“Thank you,” she said. Nate felt some distance. This didn’t seem like the woman he had ate dinner with the night before. He had a feeling it had something to do with saying he was still caught on Sarah.
“Well, see you later, then …” He hung around the door, but Jessica turned and walked away, and after a moment he followed her.
“What did you do?” she said. “I thought she liked you, now that you believed her.”
“I may have insinuated that she was a rebound,” he answered.
She laughed. “What a mistake that clearly was. No girl wants to hear she’s a rebound, Nate.”
“I didn’t mean to say it; it just kind of happened. What do I do?”
“Nothing till the case is over, remember?”
“I think she needs to g
o get some clothes and stuff. Maybe I should offer to take her. She’d be safer with a cop there.”
“No, you’re not offering to do anything with her. That’s not how this works. For now, you’re keeping your distance, doing everything exactly by the books. Don’t forget Leslie. When the case is over, then you go to her bringing flowers. Flowers cover a multitude of sins. Understood?”
“Even calling her a rebound?”
“Did you use the actual word?”
“No! I’m not a total idiot.”
“Then I think there’s just a chance this might work.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
Chapter
Dove didn’t know how to handle seeing Nate. Now everything was just awkward. She didn’t mean for it to be, but she couldn’t get the word “rebound” out of her head. She wanted to find someone who wanted her for her, not because she had some similarity to some cop. Or perhaps she was completely different from the deputy. How could one really be sure? Did it matter, anyway? She wasn’t a full person, just a pinup looked at in conjunction with the person he really wanted, checking for perceived differences. She didn’t want that any more than any other woman would.
She needed someone to talk to about it, but she definitely wasn’t going back to the therapist. Now she wished she had stayed around long enough to talk to her about renewing her friendship with Teressa. It had been a stupid little fight, hardly worth breaking up a friendship over. Dove remembered Nate’s conversation about grace. Maybe she wouldn’t have tried to patch things up without the message, but that didn’t make the patch-up worthless. She hoped she could do it without standing in her “I’m right; she’s wrong” mentality. She wanted to give Teressa a fair chance to explain herself, and maybe she needed to do some explaining too. Maybe just leaving wasn’t the right answer. She had a feeling that it was, though.
She called Teressa up, and she answered on the first ring. “Dove! I’m so sorry! I should never have called you selfish. You’re not selfish. It’s normal to want the best for yourself.”
