Out

by Cara Dee

  “I can’t put my finger on it.” She pursed her lips and tilted her head. “I think it’s your reaction when you meet certain gentlemen. Do you remember Xander?”

  I cleared my throat. “Uh, yeah.” He was Margaret’s youngest son.

  “That. That right there.” She smiled. “You get this adorable expression. I’m not sure you realize it.”

  I didn’t.

  Xander wasn’t extremely attractive, though he wasn’t bad to look at either. And he had a pinch of that authority that Henry possessed.

  “All right…” I poured her tea and grabbed a soda for myself. Then I sat down across from her at the table and spun the plate of pastries so she could reach her favorite cream-filled madeleines. “Did Mattie also gossip about who I was dating?”

  She narrowed her eyes. “He did, and you said that in past tense.”

  Yeah, well. I opened my soda and pushed down the hurt. “We broke up, I guess.”

  “Why?” she demanded.

  “Because he has major trust issues, evidently.” Okay, I was bitter about it, and I ended up spilling my guts to my grandmother. The only shit I withheld from her was either related to sex or makeup. I admitted everything else, from the first night we went to a gay bar to how we’d basically played house in Malibu.

  She interjected with a question here and there, otherwise staying quiet and listening to every word I said.

  “Has he been cheated on, perhaps? That leaves scars.”

  “Not that I know of,” I answered, only to dive into the next story. About his parents and how they’d treated him. Because I wasn’t completely clueless. He’d been betrayed in other ways. Left behind, rejected.

  I hesitated when thinking of Joseph and Henry and how they’d, um, shared partners. Henry had mentioned his partners had rarely turned down Joseph, though I got the impression it’d been mutual. Joseph’s partners had been fond of Henry too. In the end, I spilled the beans about that too, keeping it as PG-13 as possible. Not that I was too worried. This was a woman who loved Urban Dictionary and googled curses like cuntbagger and twatstain.

  “Oh, my.” She smirked a bit, as uncomfortable as she was intrigued. “I clearly missed out in my day.”

  “Nan…”

  “Pish!” She waved a hand. “The choice is simple. One way or another, he’s been hurt and grown cynical. It could be a combination of his dicksquat parents—” She sighed at my spluttered laugh. “Will you let me speak?”

  “By all means.” I pressed my lips together.

  “—and old relationships that have changed his outlook on things,” she continued. “It’s not fair to you, Zach. It’s quite the prick move of him to, whether he intends to or not, give you guilt by committing to you, then rejecting your promise to be true. I might even call him a right asshole for underestimating you.”

  I smiled. “But?”

  “But you are not on equal ground in life, sugar.” Her expression grew gentler. “If you want him to see you for who you are, then you have to accept him for who he is too, and life has knocked him around for quite a few years more than you’re used to.”

  My shoulders slumped. I hadn’t been fair to Henry.

  “I wish he wouldn’t underestimate you,” she added disapprovingly. “You’re one of the most loyal souls I know, and when you make a decision, you make it because you’re certain. But perhaps three weeks isn’t enough for him to see that.”

  “It mainly hurts ’cause it was okay for him to make those promises, but not me.” I didn’t want anyone to think I’d stormed out because we hadn’t promised each other forevers. I only wanted to be given the same chance, and for however long we dated, we did so just the two of us. Instead, what he’d done, how he’d acted before I left…it gutted me. It made me fear he wasn’t as serious about us as I was.

  “I understand.” She nodded and sipped her tea. “Unfortunately, you two are a generation apart. Almost twenty years is nothing to scoff at, and everything you take on together will be viewed from two very different perspectives. Give each other time to adjust and synchronize.”

  Well, fuck. The embarrassment burned inside me, and I felt stupid. I’d acted like a child.

  “Can I blame him for acting irrationally?” I asked, hopeful.

  She snickered softly and picked up a pastry. “Can he blame you for his fears?”

  Wait, what? “Why would he be afraid?”

  “Oh, Zach, you sweet fool.” She shook her head, her eyes alight with amusement. “Of course he’s afraid. He’s afraid of losing you. He thinks giving you the option of seeing others means the honesty isn’t going to kick him in the family jewels. Poor boy is fooling himself something fierce.”

  I sat back, my mind spinning. Fears sucked balls. I didn’t want Henry to be afraid. I wanted him to have me. Fuck, he already did, probably since the day I stepped foot in his bookstore.

  Twenty-Two

  Men suck!

  “No, of course you can stay.” I adjusted the phone, trapping it between my cheek and shoulder, and continued restocking the soda fridges in the back of the store. “As long as it’s all right with Henry.”

  “He said I could fly up with him and Ty before school starts,” Mattie replied.

  I wasn’t too surprised to hear this. Mattie had gone from staying an extra week to, well, this. He was on his third week, one week since I left.

  Ty’s grandparents were furious. Since they didn’t know exactly where Ty was staying, they couldn’t do much about it; though, according to Mattie, they sure tried. They called Henry and Ty every day with empty threats.

  “Has he decided where he wants to go to school?” I asked.

  Finished with Coke products, I continued with unpacking Pepsi.

  “Um. I don’t know.” Mattie was withholding something. He sucked at it. “Why won’t you and Henry talk?”

  “Because we fucked up,” I replied flatly. “Whenever we try, we end up fighting.”

  I’d called Henry after the Saturday I saw Nan. I’d apologized for acting like a kid, and I reluctantly offered to get Eagle back to LA somehow. We’d been civil, and he had politely told me I could keep Eagle for a little while if I wanted to. I did. Other than that…not much. Not even when I explained everything the way my grandmother had put it; he wouldn’t budge an inch. He claimed it wasn’t trust issues as much as it was his being older. He’d legit told me I had to trust his life experience on this one.

  Just sayin’, he was acing the mansplaining.

  He knew me better than I did, in his opinion.

  Idiot. Thinking about it got me pissy.

  “I gotta get back to work,” I said, irritated. It wasn’t Mattie’s fault, and I didn’t wanna drag him into it. “Text Nan. She misses you.”

  “Okay…” There was something else he wanted to say, but I couldn’t be assed to push him. I was tired. “Yeah, okay. Talk soon.”

  The following weekend, I needed to get out of town for a bit. I managed to get Meghan and Dominic to tag along, which made everything easier. I couldn’t stand being alone lately. It left me with my thoughts, and that tended to go straight to hell.

  Meghan had brought a friend from Seattle too. David.

  “Adrian told me I needed to make more friends.” Dominic spoke of his man as he gazed up at the hiking trail we were gonna take. Standing in a nearly empty parking lot at the edge of town made the mountain look bigger. “I kinda wanna sack his sorry ass right now.”

  I grinned, attaching the chest strap of my backpack. It was rough terrain all the way up to Coho Pass and would probably take us a few hours.

  “He could’ve tagged along,” I said.

  “Like I’d let our girl wander in this wilderness.” He scoffed and uncapped his water bottle. “You know how many mountains we got back in Philly and New York? None.”

  “You sound like my father.” Meghan chuckled as she pulled her dark hair into a ponytail. “You’re what, twenty-five? Stop acting like a senior citizen.”

 
; Dominic grimaced and eyed the mountain again. “Aight, let’s go.”

  I took the lead because I knew this trail like the back of my hand. It didn’t take more than ten minutes before we might as well have been the last four people on earth. We lost cell service, the sounds of society were gone, and the forest was the only thing speaking. It’d rained last night, so the drippity-drop was constant and soothing.

  That didn’t mean my thoughts didn’t stray to Henry and Malibu too fucking often.

  Missing him was the worst.

  Missing Martin hurt a lot too. We texted plenty, and rarely about Henry. Thankfully, they were slowly getting over the grand theft auto debacle, but there was nothing Martin could do about our situation. He kept saying he was trying, and it was Henry who wouldn’t listen.

  Goddammit, quit thinking about them.

  I blew out a breath and listened in on the others.

  David, like all of us, could hear Dominic was a New Yorker by his accent, so David struck up a conversation with him about East Coast teams. Dominic didn’t sound particularly interested, though he pretended fairly well. That meant it was Meghan’s boots that were squishing through the mud to catch up.

  “Hi, there.” She sent me a cheeky smirk when I side-eyed her. “So when were you gonna tell me you’re gay?”

  “You saw my Instagram,” I guessed. Last night, I’d been feeling extra sorry for myself because Mattie had posted beach pics that made me wanna be back in LA. To make myself feel better, I’d uploaded a new avatar, and I’d deliberately chosen my “Straight Outta The Closet” tee. “That was how,” I went on. “It backfired when I came out to my family. They knew before me, so I figured why not just post a photo. Saves me the countless other coming-out convos ending with ‘Oh, I already assumed.’” I rolled my eyes.

  Meghan gigglesnorted and patted my arm. “Countless. Hon, you don’t know that many people.”

  “Wow. Someone had an extra serving of scrambled bitch this morning.” I hid my wry smirk and nudged my elbow to her arm.

  “Hey, I was allowed one dig,” she replied with a sniff. “You were my first boyfriend. You have to realize I went through the mandatory ‘Holy shit, did I make him gay?’ moment when I saw your photo.”

  Oh Christ. I couldn’t not chuckle. She was too funny.

  I draped an arm around her shoulders and kissed her temple. “I adored you, Meg. You know that, right? And trust me, I wasn’t thinking about anyone else when we slept together.”

  She blushed, only to jab me in the gut. “Good. So…does this make you bi?”

  I shrugged. “Maybe? I think I’m more drawn to men. I was just confused as fuck for a long time. Before then, plain oblivious.”

  That seemed to amuse her. “Well, now that you’re not oblivious anymore, mind helping me out with David?”

  I furrowed my brow and held a branch out of her way. “Watch your step. Help with what?”

  She ducked her head and sidestepped a wet, mossy rock. “I can’t figure out if he’s gay or not. He seems interested in me, but he hasn’t made a move, and his favorite bar in Seattle is popular among gay guys.”

  “Jesus,” I muttered. “Have you considered asking him out?”

  “Don’t be ridiculous,” she cackled.

  Yeah, straight-up saying what you wanted didn’t seem to be in fashion.

  Around noon, the sun made an appearance, and sweat was trickling down my back. As we paused to chug water and catch our breaths, I yanked off my hoodie and tied it around my hips.

  Dominic was holding up his phone, checking for service. He’d done well, though. I guessed his boyfriend had made sure he wore good shoes, and he hadn’t complained about the trek once.

  “There should be service when we reach the top,” I told him. “There’s an inn and some tourist stuff for hikers and campers.”

  “Cool.” He nodded and wiped his forehead. “I have to go to a restaurant before the month is over. Youse interested in grabbing a burger after this?”

  “Count me in,” Meghan said.

  “Me too.” David drained his water bottle and stuffed it in his backpack.

  “Sounds great.” Anything to keep me from coming home to an empty apartment. “Why do you have to go to a restaurant?”

  Dominic rolled his eyes. “Apparently, I think about money too much, so Adrian and I made a deal. I have to go out once a month, and he won’t fret about me working security at a club in the Valley. He’s a worrier.”

  I smiled. “That’s sweet.” I missed my fretter. In a half-assed attempt to help Meghan with David, I suggested one of the few gay-friendly places in town. “I hear they do great burgers at Eleven on Hemlock.”

  It was settled, and Meghan mouthed a subtle thank-you to me.

  Crazy girl.

  I could understand her confusion; David was definitely flirting with her, though he seemed kinda flirty with Dominic too. The latter was oblivious. I knew what that was like. Anyway, all the more reason for Meghan to simply ask the dude.

  Dominic’s loud “There’s a fucking tramway?” when we reached Coho Pass kinda made it clear that we were taking the tramway back down. Meghan and I, who’d known each other the longest, took a few silly selfies at the highest point, and then Dominic could breathe out in relief. ’Cause we bought tickets to go down the easy way. I didn’t think any of us minded. We’d hiked for hours, and we were ready to switch granola bars for burgers and onion rings.

  Dominic was the first to enter the big car, and he walked to the back and widened his arms. “I fucking love this town.” He probably wasn’t talking about the spectacular view of our town, the forest, and the ocean. “I love tramways too.” You could see all the way to the Chinook Islands now that the weather had cleared. “I can’t believe I hiked all the way up here. Jesus fucking Christ.”

  I chuckled and set down my backpack on the floor, then leaned back against the railing that went around the whole thing. There were no places to sit, because the ride only took like fifteen minutes, give or take.

  “I shoulda taken one’a those selfies.” Dominic frowned. “I’m not sure Adrian will believe me.”

  I laughed. “Don’t worry, we can vouch for you.”

  While he still had a signal, he called his boyfriend and told him to get his “sexy ass” to the restaurant and to bring Thea.

  “Your daughter?” Meghan wondered.

  Dominic nodded. “She’s already declared she’s gonna marry Zach.”

  That made me laugh again. His three-year-old—or maybe four, I wasn’t sure—was a cute ballbuster. She didn’t speak; she was autistic and nonverbal, I’d learned, but she signed fluently and communicated on a tablet. She’d taught me my first and only term so far in sign language, which was ice cream.

  “She has good taste, then,” David said with a smile.

  Was that…? I mean. He could’ve just been polite. But yeah, definitely understood Meghan’s confusion. Maybe he played for more than one team.

  Meghan and I exchanged a look that basically said we had no clue.

  On the way down the mountain, I chose four photos to upload to Instagram. Two of the scenery, one of Meghan and me where she was kissing my cheek, and one of just me making a funny face.

  They were superbly edited by the time I had service again and I could upload them. At the same time, I received two messages, the first from Julian.

  Hi, Zach. How is it being home again? Hope you’ll visit soon. Brooklyn asked if I can forward her your number. Talk later.

  I replied right away.

  Forward away, buddy. I hope her ill-timed inspiration won’t get me into trouble. Everything is good here, but I look forward to when I can come back.

  The other text was from Henry, and my stomach flipped automatically.

  I miss you.

  I swallowed and clutched my phone a little harder.

  I miss you too.

  Adrian was a lovely guy. Quite a bit older than Dominic, well-spoken and polite, yet he was casual an
d wore as many tattoos as a gangster. He taught history at Camas High, and Dominic called him Teach. Most of all, they were fucking adorable with their little girl. Thea bounced from one daddy’s lap to the other’s.

  I’d officially become one of those people who couldn’t look away from happy couples, even as it made me sick to my stomach. I wanted what they had so much. It was the Bakersfield moment all over again.

  How would it look if Henry and I had a daughter?

  How would it look if you two got your shit together, might be a better question.

  I made a face to myself and took a long swig of my beer. For the record, I thought we’d look cute as hell with two girls. Maybe twins.

  “You gonna finish that?” Dominic licked barbecue glaze off his thumb and jerked his chin at Adrian’s leftover fries.

  He was amused, Adrian, all while never losing the affection in his eyes. “Have at it.” Next, Thea jumped over to him again. “Oh, you want to sit with me now, princess?”

  She nodded and poked his bearded cheek.

  Ugh. It wasn’t getting any easier, dammit. Maybe I had fallen for Henry, ’cause if this wasn’t what a broken heart felt like, I didn’t wanna know.

  The Saturday crowd was growing. It’d been pretty full already when we managed to claim two bar tables to push together. We were in a corner and the stools were comfy, so I had no complaints. Except for one thing. One might think a bar with a big pride flag hanging above the shelved bottles would know what a goddamn Purple Haze was.

  Sensing that everyone was occupied with finishing their dinner and chatting, I brought out my phone again and sent Henry another text.

  Is my age the only reason you won’t trust me or even give me a chance to earn it?

  There was nothing I could do about the former if he wouldn’t accept the latter.

  He responded, asking if he could call, so I excused myself and headed outside.

  The town was in full preparations for the annual festival that was at the end of August. Back in the day, it’d been a harvest celebration. Now, the cobblestone streets were lined with booths for street vendors and marked-off lots for food trucks and beer tents. Local breweries and the apple contest dominated the festival, which lasted a whole week.