Dreamspinner Press Year Eight Greatest Hits

by Brandon Witt

  “Shannon, I’m a little confused. You said that I—”

  She almost sprang from the bed, rushing toward him. She punched his chest with the heel of her fist. “I know what I said. Don’t throw it in my face.”

  He waited for her to hit him again. He’d let her. He deserved it.

  She didn’t, his submission draining her of her fury, leaving only sadness once more.

  They stood in the middle of the dorm room, less than a foot apart. Travis could swear the cinderblock walls were shaking, getting ready to crumble.

  They didn’t.

  All of Shannon’s trophies and ribbons stayed perfectly still. The photo of her blue ribbon Dutch Booted Bantam didn’t crash from the shelf above her bed. How she’d cried when that rooster had died their freshman year of college.

  When Shannon spoke again, her voice was barely more than a whisper, lacking all of her typical strength and grit. “It was different than hearing about it. It was different seeing it.”

  His face burned, and he felt tears roll down his cheeks. Tears of sadness or shame, he wasn’t sure. Not that it mattered. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you. If I’d have known it would hurt you….” Was that true? Would he have stopped?

  “Don’t. It only makes it worse.” She turned from him, took a few short steps, and sank onto the bed. She reached back and yanked at the band holding her hair captive. The long strands fell around her face, giving her shelter.

  What was he supposed to do? How could he fix things? There was so much he didn’t understand. So much he couldn’t figure out. So much he’d never been able to figure out. But he knew he loved her. That wasn’t a question. If she weren’t in his life, he didn’t want a life at all.

  Travis kneeled in front of her on the woven oval rug that took up the space between Shannon’s and Peggy’s beds. He wiped the drying blood from his face with his sleeve. When she didn’t move, he dared to reach out and place both hands on her knees. “I love you, Shannon.”

  Her blue eyes rose and looked at him through her shield of hair. “I know you do. I love you too.”

  “Then we’ll figure this out. Right?” His voice cracked and more tears fell.

  She dipped her head. “I don’t know how we can. I can’t give you what you need.”

  “Yes, you can. You do! My God, Shannon, I love being with you.”

  “Then why him? Why were you with him?” She still didn’t look back up, but he could hear the tears in her voice as well.

  “You said you didn’t mind. That since it wasn’t a girl, it wasn’t cheating.”

  “So it’s my fault?”

  Travis slipped his hand beneath her hair, cupping her cheek, lifting her face to look into his. “No. That’s not what I’m saying, Shannon. I just thought it was okay with you. You seemed to understand when we talked about it last year. I’m always careful, always. I’d never put you at risk.”

  Shannon gave a disgusted groan, but didn’t pull away. “I hate myself, Travis. I swear I do. That is what I should be worried about, I know. But I’m not. Just seeing him under you. Seeing you do to him… what you do to me. I guess I didn’t know it would look like that. You’re supposed to be mine.”

  “I am, Shannon. I am yours. Completely.” He was going to lose her. He’d known it had been too good to be true. The fact that she hadn’t left him when he’d confessed his attraction to men a year ago had been a miracle enough. When she’d given him permission to explore those feelings and get them out of his system, he’d known she couldn’t possibly mean it.

  “Are you? You’re mine? And what are you to that man?”

  “Nothing, Shannon. Nothing. I’m nothing to him, and he’s nothing to me.”

  “What’s his name?”

  Travis considered lying, making up something. “I don’t know. I didn’t ask.”

  She gaped at him. “You didn’t ask? You don’t even know his name?”

  He shrugged, shame seeming to pour cement over his shoulders. “It’s just sex.”

  “Like with us?”

  “No. Not at all. It doesn’t mean anything with another guy. It’s just sex. That’s all it is. I love you. When I have sex with you, it’s because I love you.”

  Shannon didn’t speak, just searched his eyes. Whatever she was looking for, he prayed she’d find it.

  “I hate myself for feeling this way, Travis, but I believe you, and I wish I could say that I didn’t. That you are a liar. That you don’t love me.” Shannon pulled back a section of hair, tucking it behind her ear, exposing more of her face to him. “I can’t believe I’m shallow enough to think that I can live with it as long as you don’t love someone else. As long as it’s just messing around with other guys. I’m weak. I have to be. If I weren’t weak, I’d leave you.”

  He’d made her feel this way. He wished she’d claw his eyes out. “I’ll stop. I don’t have to do it. I can—”

  “You’re attracted to men. You can’t stop that.” Shannon interrupted him, her voice filled with frustration, but still lacking anger. “You’re bisexual. I’ve done some reading about it since you told me. You’re bisexual.”

  Travis grimaced. “No, I’m not. I’m straight. I just am attracted to guys sometimes.”

  She laughed, actually laughed, albeit bitterly. “Well, what do you think bisexual is, stupid?”

  Hope pricked at his heart. She’d called him stupid. She hadn’t left him yet. “I don’t want to be bisexual, Shannon.”

  She sighed and tentatively reached out and stroked his cheek. “I don’t think it matters what you want. It’s just what you are, Travis. You can’t change that, and neither can I. Though I wish I could.”

  “I’ll go to church. My folks always said prayer changes everything.”

  Shannon scoffed. “Yeah, right. We both know better. And I thought you said you’d already tried that.”

  “Yeah, my whole life. But now that you’re here—”

  She cut him off again. “No. No lies. And I’ve been here for a while now. I’m not the miracle, Travis.”

  “Shannon, I’m not lying.”

  “I’m not saying you are. At least you’re not trying to. It’s a lie that you can change something like that. And, I guess it’s a lie that I don’t care if you fuck guys.”

  He grimaced again.

  She laughed once more, a more genuine sound this time. “You don’t like it when I curse, but it’s okay for you to have gay sex.”

  “Come on, don’t say that.”

  She grew serious again. “I don’t ever want to see that again.”

  “I’m not going to do it again, Shannon. I promise.”

  She lifted a hand between them. “No. No promises. It will hurt that much more when it happens again. I’m not asking for that. I just don’t wanna see it. I don’t want you to tell me about it. Just do it as you need to, and I’ll be fine. And, yes, be safe.”

  “Shannon, I promise.”

  Her eyes flashed. “I said don’t! Don’t! I can’t take it—”

  He grabbed her hands. “I. Promise. Only you. Even with guys who don’t wanna… well, you know, ones who don’t feel the way I do… they want to sleep with other women. Other than their girlfriend or wife. And they don’t. Same thing. I promise I won’t sleep with anyone else. Even if you say you’re okay with it.”

  “It’s not the same thing, Travis.”

  “I. Promise.”

  They quit speaking for a while. Just sat there in silence, looking into each other’s eyes, a few more tears gradually making their way down their faces. After a bit, Travis rested his head in Shannon’s lap, and her fingers grazed through his hair.

  His knees began to ache, and then his legs fell asleep. Still, Travis didn’t move. He was afraid to. He’d almost lost her. They’d already been together six years. He couldn’t explain how he’d fallen in love with her at first sight any more than he could explain his attraction to other men. Both would be hell to live without, but only one lack would make him
want to die. As melodramatic as it sounded, even in his own mind. He would not be able to live without Shannon Pope.

  After a while Shannon spoke once more, her voice betraying her exhaustion. “There was a reason I came to your dorm today.”

  At first he didn’t dare move, anxiety spiking. When she didn’t speak further, he lifted his head off her lap and looked up into her beautiful face.

  “I skipped class today.” Shannon’s gaze flicked away, a mannerism she only betrayed when she was nervous. “I had to go to the doctor.”

  Travis was beside her on the bed in an instant, though his numb legs nearly gave out from underneath him. “Are you okay? Shannon, are you okay? Why didn’t you tell me? I would have gone with you.”

  Bitterness painted her words. “You had other things you needed to do it seems.”

  He flinched, unable to respond.

  “Travis, I’m sorry.” Shannon reached for him, an unusual pleading in her voice. “That wasn’t fair. I know that.”

  He tried to smile at her. He doubted he succeeded.

  “I should have asked you to come with me. I just needed to go on my own for some reason.”

  Travis sat perfectly still and kept his tone soft, afraid of making the wrong move or saying the wrong word. “Babe, are you okay?”

  Shannon nodded, at last pulling the remaining hair away from her face and looking at him fully.

  She was terrified. Travis had never seen her look like that.

  “I’m pregnant.”

  He stared at her. Her words could not cut through the layers of his fear.

  “I’m pregnant.” She leaned toward him this time. “A little over six weeks.”

  Travis narrowed his eyes, trying to get her to stay in focus. “You’re pregnant? Like with a baby?”

  Shannon’s sharp laugh cut through some of the fog that was trying to suffocate him. “Yes, you moron. I’m pregnant with a baby. Our baby.”

  It clicked. Travis grinned, his smile so wide it hurt his cheeks. Then it fell away. “Is that okay?”

  Shannon looked at him nervously. She was showing him so many expressions he’d never seen her wear before this day. “That’s what I wanted to know from you.”

  “Yes. It’s okay with me. Is it with you?”

  A smile began to cross her face. “Yes. I was so excited to tell you. Then I walked in and—”

  Travis cut her off before she could finish, though he was never certain if it was so she couldn’t finish or due to his own excitement. “We’re gonna have a baby!” He wrapped her in his arms so tightly Shannon had to push against him to get a breath.

  A week later they eloped, much to their families’ resentment.

  Two weeks later, they graduated from Missouri Southern State University.

  Another week after that, they moved back to Shannon’s hometown. Travis got a job at Cedar County Feed. Shannon applied for a teaching position at the high school for the upcoming school year.

  One week later, Travis noticed Shannon was beginning to show. Finally.

  Half a week later, Shannon miscarried.

  CALEB’S VOICE drifted from inside the barn. Travis halted, remaining just outside the door. He motioned for Dunkyn to sit. The dog plopped down at Travis’s feet, his side resting against the wall.

  “The chicken coop is through this door. There’s an inside and outside section. I’d show you, but I don’t wanna wake them up. They’re real pretty. They’re show-quality Cochins. Have you seen them before?”

  Wesley’s voice was easier to hear than Caleb’s. “Oh yeah. They’re beautiful. I’m kinda surprised, though. I had your dad pegged for more of a meat breed of chicken. I’d think he’d prefer a Cornish or Jersey Giant. More practical.”

  “He probably would, but Mom liked these. She showed chickens in high school. That’s how Mom and Dad met. They were in FFA. They met at some FFA event. I don’t remember where…. You know what FFA is, right?”

  Wesley laughed. It was the first time Travis had heard the man laugh when he wasn’t feeling nervous. “Of course I do. Future Farmers of America. It’s a great organization. Are you in it yet? You’re a freshman, right?”

  He could hear the pride in his son’s words. “Yep. Sure am. We have a herd of Limousin cattle. Dad gave me three of my own a few years ago. I’m breeding them, hoping to get a prized bull from them one day.” Travis couldn’t believe how much Caleb was speaking. Most of the time it was like pulling teeth to get him to say more than a sentence or two. Of course, he had always been most comfortable around animals.

  A cool breeze swept across the night, bringing the smell of earth and hay to Travis. It was a clean smell, fresh and wholesome. It smelled like home. There was something so peaceful about this time of day, when all the animals were sleeping, and everyone was fed. All at rest. It was peaceful, but also one of the lonelier times, only surpassed by the wee hours of the morning, before sunrise, when he could no longer pretend that Dunkyn was more than a dog.

  Wesley’s voice sounded forced, but just for a moment. “Lots of people here have Limousins it seems. Are yours the red kind?”

  Caleb sounded cautious. “Because we all have red hair you mean?”

  Another laugh. “No. I didn’t think about that. The red Limousins are my favorite. You’ve got a point, though. All of your family has red hair, and Dunkyn and Dolan too. That is a lot of red if you’ve got red cattle too. Are the Cochin’s red?”

  “Some of them, but not all. And, yes, all the cows are the red ones.” Travis could hear the scraping of metal—he wasn’t sure what they were doing—and then Caleb spoke again. “Have you ever had to scare an opossum outta the chicken coop at night?”

  “Good God, no! Have you? Those things have vicious teeth. They’re nothing but huge rats.” Not often, but sometimes, the vet’s intonations gave him away as much as spandex and pink shoelaces.

  Caleb laughed. Loudly. Dolan barked, laughing with his master. “You bet. They’re kinda scary. Nasty things, huh?”

  At the sound, Travis slumped against the wall of the barn with a small thud. He didn’t remember the last time he’d heard his son laugh, at least not like that, not like he’d never known pain.

  Nearly refusing to believe, Travis lifted a hand and wiped his fingers across his eyes. He pulled them away, inspecting them in the dim starlight. Sure enough, they were damp. Well, goddamn.

  “Did you hear that?” Travis heard Caleb’s voice, followed by footsteps.

  Dolan popped around the corner of the door with a yip of greeting. He jumped, pushing his forepaws against Travis’s leg, and then slid off to pounce on top of Dunkyn, who let out an annoyed grunt.

  Travis wiped his eyes again and pushed off the wall, standing on his own before his son rounded the doorway.

  “Dad!”

  “Hey, bud. Dunk and I were just coming out to see how you two were doing.” He patted Caleb on the shoulder. “You giving the lay of the land?”

  Wesley emerged behind him, his tone more guarded than it had been mere moments before. “You’ve got quite the animal expert on your hands.”

  Caleb’s smile was shy but bright.

  “He should be. He’s been obsessed with animals since before he could speak.” Travis couldn’t help but feel the tension that passed between the three of them, tension that hadn’t been there before. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to determine the cause of that.

  Wesley looked away from him, seeming to find it easier to make eye contact with Caleb than Travis. “If you ever want to come spend the day at the clinic, just say the word. You could shadow, even see a surgery or something, if you’d like. If it’s okay with your dad and Wendy, of course.”

  Caleb turned excited blue eyes toward him. “Can I, Dad? That would be awesome!”

  Travis looked at Wesley, inspecting to see whether he was serious. Even as he did so, he wondered why. It was obvious the two of them had bonded. It was him who made them uncomfortable. “Yeah, of course. That would be great.
Thank you, Dr. Ryan.” The man flinched at being addressed so formally. It was subtle, but Travis had seen it. He looked back at his son. “Why don’t you and Dolan head back in? Would you help Wendy with the twins before bed?”

  “Yeah, I always do.” Caleb looked nervously between the two men, like he was afraid his dad was going to beat up the vet or something.

  Travis tried to make his smile as gentle as possible. “I’ll pop in and say good night before your bedtime, okay?”

  Caleb didn’t look convinced all was okay but nodded nonetheless. “All right.” He patted his thigh. “Come on, Dolan.”

  They watched the boy and his dog until they disappeared into the house. Travis searched desperately for what to say, but he needn’t have bothered.

  “I’m sorry if I overstepped my boundaries, Mr. Bennett. I should have asked you first before inviting Caleb to come to Cheryl’s.”

  And didn’t that just make him feel like shit. Wesley seemed to force himself to meet Travis’s gaze.

  “No, no reason to be sorry. I was actually just telling Wendy inside that I hoped Caleb might get interested in being a vet from talking to you.”

  Dunkyn padded over to the entrance to the barn and nudged Wesley’s leg with his nose.

  Wesley knelt, his fingers sinking into the dog’s long fur. “Hey, old man. It’s good to see you doing so well.”

  “I haven’t properly thanked you for that, Dr. Ryan.” Travis cleared his throat. It didn’t help. It was his heart beating in his ears, not a frog in his throat. “Thanks for helping Dunkyn so much.”

  Wesley looked up from where he knelt, a forced smile on his lips. “No. You thanked me. And it’s my pleasure. You’ve got a really good dog, Mr. Bennett.”

  How he hated hearing the vet say his name like that. Damn Wendy, he probably wouldn’t have even noticed if it hadn’t been for her putting thoughts in his head. Yeah. It was her fault. “There’s one more thing I’ve been meaning to say to you.”

  The vet’s brows rose. “Oh really?” His voice sounded nervous. Travis hated that too.

  “Yeah. I just wanted to tell you—” He stumbled for words, waving his hand in the air as if searching. “Can you stand up? It’s hard talking to you with you down on the ground like that.” He heard the gruff tone of his voice. Why did he sound like that? He tried to adjust. “Would you mind standing, Dr. Ryan? Wesley?”