Roses & Thorns: Women

by Bry Ann

  I look down at my nails. “Zero percent likely.”

  … And that both terrifies and warms me inside.

  “Yeah. So we are safe for now. Thanks to Lacey. The Boss is the one we really had to placate. He has far more resources and is significantly more deadly, but Sven won’t stay gone forever. And I don’t want to just give Lacey away like she doesn’t matter either. And you need an actual life. Not one on the run. So… I have to think.”

  “Nix.” I pick a pesky hangnail and turn away from him. “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome sis. Now get out so we can get some rest. I’ll go shopping tomorrow.”

  I love you Nix.

  But I have no clue why.

  Chapter 8:

  Lacey:

  I'm fed. Showered. Clean. Terrified. Unsure. Warm. Confused. Numb.

  I want to hurt myself, but I know Adam would find out. He’s cleaned up all the wounds on my arm, but isn’t venturing anywhere else. I don’t know why. Even though I vehemently refused to let him see other parts of my body, he could easily just force me. I know he wants to, but he isn’t.

  A knock sounds on the door.

  “Lacey, I'm coming in.”

  I pull the covers up higher to hide how badly I'm shaking from him.

  “Cold?”

  Of course he notices in two seconds flat.

  “A little.”

  He steps closer and softens his voice. “I know you’re scared. But are you cold too? I can turn up the heat.”

  Slowly I nod, with my chin tucked safely under the covers. He quickly turns and adjusts the heat in the room. He grabs a second blanket from the closet and gently places it over me, careful not to touch or get too close to me. He lets me pull the blanket the I want it. He gives me my space, for now.

  My eyes flicker up as he runs a hand over his face. “The doctor is outside Lacey. Do you remember him? Will you let him help you?”

  My eyes go wide. “Why?”

  “Because you’re sick little dove. Can I see your face?”

  Half my face is hidden by the comforter, and the other half is hidden by my hair. It’s this way on purpose. Slowly, I shake my head no.

  “Alright. Can he at least give you an IV? Just fluids. Please Lace. I just want you healthy. That’s all.”

  “I…”

  “Please Lace. Just fluids, I swear. We’ll start slow.”

  Hesitantly I nod. “Fluids only.”

  I don’t trust him.

  “Please don’t drug me.”

  He grimaces like he’s in pain. “I'm not going to drug you Lacey. I promise.”

  Knock. Knock.

  The sound echoes across the room before the door slowly creaks open. Adam moves to stand in the back of the room.

  “Hi Lacey. It’s good to see you again. Do you remember me?”

  I nod, careful not to move the covers. He looks me up and down, like he can see right through all the covers. There’s so much he could be taking in, so I don’t even know what to make of the understanding flashing in his eyes.

  “Boss, can Lacey and I have a moment alone?”

  There’s a flash of anger in his eyes, but he reigns it in and nods. “Yes, of course.”

  He gives me one last look before walking out. Once he’s out of the room the doctor turns back to me with a soft look on his face.

  “How are you doing Lacey?”

  I don’t know why I'm so scared. There’s so much happening, so quickly. No one is hurting me, but I can’t seem to take it all in.

  So I don’t speak.

  “You’re terrified. That’s understandable.”

  He grabs the IV pole he rolled in with him. He pulls it by my bedside. The wheel’s chime against the floor as he drags it over to me. I start to shake and clutch my covers even tighter.

  “I'm just gonna stick the IV in. Then we are going to talk. Okay? You know me. You know I won’t hurt you. I just want to see color back in the those cheeks of yours. Does that sound good?”

  I stare at him, unblinking.

  “Can I have your arm?”

  I whimper and hold it even closer to my body. He can’t see what I did to myself. The doctor’s eyes flicker with every movement I make.

  “Lacey, I'm not here to judge you. I'm aware you’ve struggled a bit lately. He told me self harm has been a bit of an issue.”

  Yeah, just a bit.

  “I would actually like to take a look. He mentioned you may need stitches, but don’t worry about that right now. We’ll talk to first. I won’t pay attention to anything other than the insertion point. I promise. All I'm interested in right now is getting some fluids in you. Besides. He said he bandaged them,” he points with a thumb towards the door, “This is a safe place. No judgement.”

  It was a safe place. This room was supposed to be safe. For the first time, maybe ever, a rush of unbridled anger floods through me. I try and shake it off, but all I successfully do is bury it under all the other feelings I have buried deep inside of me. I close my eyes and extend my arm. I hear no rush of breath. No silent judgement. The doctor simply gets to work placing the IV in the crook of my arm. He gently pats my arm when he’s done.

  “All done. You did good.”

  I slowly place my arm on the bed and open my eyes. The doctor softly smiles when my eyes meet his. He comes to sit on the edge of the bed, naturally keeping a safe distance from me.

  “Let’s chat.” He waits for me to talk, but I don’t. “Alright. You don’t have to talk. Let me. I’ll cut straight to the chase. I don’t think it is wise to be refusing medical care right now. You are ill Lacey. Your body has endured a lot. You don’t look well, and I'm concerned because you won’t let me take a look at you and run tests. I have no intention of hurting you. I may work for the Boss, but I am my own man. I am not part of this organization. Rebelling against me does nothing for you. If you’re scared of me, well, frankly, I’d be more scared of what’s going on with your body than of me. I know you’ve been through a lot, and I’d never force you to do anything with your body that you don’t want to do. It’s all your choice. I am just telling you where I stand.”

  My eyes flicker back and forth trying to process this. He really has never hurt me. Only made me healthier. He doesn’t seem to judge me. I just…

  “I'm scared,” I whisper. “I don’t know why I'm so scared. I know you kind of, but I'm terrified. I'm so terrified.”

  A cry bubbles out of me before I can stop it.

  “Do you want me to get the Boss?”

  I shake my head, and bring the covers up over my nose to muffle my cries and hide my snot and tears.

  “Can you tell me why you’re crying?”

  “I don’t want to do it.”

  He stiffens. “Do what? You can tell me.”

  “This. I had hope but… I don’t anymore. I'm so tired.”

  Tears leak out of my eyes. The pain is searing hot, running through my body like a drug meant to kill me.

  “Lacey, please be honest with me. Do you want to kill yourself?”

  I shake my head. “No. I just don’t want to live anymore. I want to sleep. Forever. Never, ever have to wake up again.”’

  The tears start to dry with this admission. This reality has held me hostage. Regardless of everything it feels like a breath of fresh air to let it out.

  “Thank you for telling me that.”

  I nod, feeling the comforter scrape against my cheek.

  “Can I come see you tomorrow? Baby steps. Maybe I can see if you need stitches.”

  I nod again. He smiles and takes a deep breath. “Okay, good. Thank you Lacey. That’s really good to hear.”

  He stands and pats my ankle.

  “See you tomorrow.”

  The door opens and closes. I feel weak inside as the weight of what I just confessed hits me. It’s a strange, shaky disorienting feeling. Several minutes later Adam walks back in. He has a weird look on his face. He’s staring at me like I'm an alien in his bed. I can�
��t look away from him. I don’t feel as heavy now. Is this the moment he throws me out? Have I officially reached a level of damage he can’t handle? That thought shakes me. I'm not ready to go. I'm not ready to fight 24/7. I can’t do it.

  “I'm going to touch you. So don’t be alarmed.”

  Confused, my eyes go wide.

  “Wh... what?”

  Adam stalks to the bed. For the first time since I’ve been back he looks in charge and fierce, but not scary. I still shake. I still try and sink into the covers.

  “Relax.”

  I can’t.

  The bed dips next to me. I try and scramble away, but an arms snakes around my waist. Full on panic consumes me. I scream and try and kick and punch to get away. Not that that’s ever helped me before.

  “No! Let me go. Let me go. Let me go. Help! Help!” I sob.

  “Lacey stop. I'm not going to hurt you. Please. Lacey!”

  The arm around my waist pulls me hard. I can’t fight, the motion is too fast. The arm with the IV is rolled slightly behind me. Suddenly I am tucked into a warm body. My head buried in the crook of a strong chest and shoulder. A familiar calloused hand is rubbing my back.

  “See. It’s okay.”

  He’s comforting me?

  I shake my head back and forth, back and forth.

  “Why?” I whimper.

  “Go to sleep Lacey. I'm not going anywhere.”

  “But…”

  He kisses the top of my head. I freeze. What’s happening? I want to cry all over again. This feels so good. I can’t take it. It will go. I can’t.

  “Go to sleep.”

  I thought I was done, but tears leak and I start to sob again against his chest. His grip tightens.

  “I'm here. It’s okay little dove. Talk to me.”

  I almost think I'm imagining the pain in his voice, but I know I'm not. It’s too real.

  “I don’t like comfort.”

  “Why?” His hand moves from strokes to circles. I'm melting in it. It helps, and that terrifies me. If you want to adapt to pain, never revel in comfort.

  “I… don’t want to know good.”

  “Why?” he asks, aghast.

  I tuck my head further into him. He squeezes me tight.

  “Don’t let go.”

  “I'm not.”

  I'm weak. I don’t want to leave his warmth. His ever alluding safety. I'm ruining all chances of surviving whatever my future holds. More tears fall but they are silent this time.

  I fall asleep in his arms.

  “I want her to sleep,” I hear through a haze when my eyes start to flutter open.

  “I really need to take a look at her sir. I can come back.”

  “Do that then.”

  “Alright. My only opening is three o’clock so I will be back then.”

  “Thank you doctor.”

  The door clicks shut. I keep my eyes shut and pretend to be asleep. The bed dips again and the strong arm is wrapped around me once more.

  Once again sleep takes me. The world is dark. No dreams. No nightmares. Just pure REM sleep. It’s glorious.

  “Lace. Lacey, can you wake up?”

  I moan and roll over, covering my face with my free arm. Adam is propped up on his elbow looking down at me.

  “Doctor?” I grumble.

  “You’re grumpy for someone who slept almost sixteen hours.”

  “Sixteen hours?!”

  “Yeah, sixteen. You needed it though.”

  “I’ll never need sixteen hours of sleep.”

  “Apparently you did.”

  “No, you didn’t wake me.”

  “You’re frustrated.”

  “What?”

  “Frustrated.”

  “I heard you the first time. What do you mean by that?”

  “I didn’t have an alternate meaning.”

  “You always have an alternate meaning Adam.”

  He grins, as a piece of dark hair sweeps forward, blocking his eyes from me. I decide right then I like him disheveled.

  “Lacey, how much anger do you have buried inside you?”

  That knocks me back. “What?”

  I pull the comforter up to block half my face, but he grabs it and rips it away.

  “Not today.”

  I grab it and try and pull it up again, but in one swoop he yanks the whole comforter off the bed.

  I sit up, still disoriented from sleep.

  “Give it back! I need that.”

  “Talk to me.”

  “About what? What could I have to say to you! I don’t want to be here.”

  “Why?”

  My jaw hits my chest. “Why? Why? Are you insane! You…”

  I clamp my mouth shut. I don’t understand the way I'm feeling right now. My hands shake and ball into small fists by my side.

  “I, what? Tell me, Lacey. You want the covers back?”

  “Yes,” I squeak.

  He sighs and runs a hand over his face. “I'm bringing a therapist in and you will talk to her. Understand?”

  His voice bares no room for argument, so I nod. Terrified, I take a huge risk.

  “Can it be the same one? She… already knows,” I say so quietly I wonder if he can actually hear me.

  His whole demeanor softens. “Yes, of course.”

  “Can I shower?”

  He nods. I swing one leg off the bed, followed by the other. I reach for my IV pole, but Adam grabs my hand before I reach the cool metal.

  “Hey, I got it,” he says softly.

  He whips around the bed, still fully dressed because he slept in his clothes last night for me. His hair is messy and his facial hair a little scruffy. He looks so young... and attractive. There’s nothing to fear about him like this, even though in the back of my mind I know he’s the same man and there is absolutely something to fear. A feeling of need shoots through me when he steps up next to me, his body heat inches from mine with no covers to create a safe barrier. The feeling terrifies me. Horrifies me. Deep into my bones.

  I step as far away from him as possible. He furrows his eyebrows but doesn’t say anything. He simply takes a hold of my arm with a gentle but firm grip. His thumb runs over my bandages before gently moving up my arm and pulling out the IV. Wait, isn’t a doctor supposed to do that? Oh well. I just want to shower. And to get away from him. He confuses my brain, which is bad because I know what I have to do to survive. And he ruins it.

  “I suppose you’re gonna shower now, right?”

  “Yes.”

  “And you… you won’t let me see your other cuts. Right? I just want to see if they are okay. Infected or anything.”

  I shake my head. “No.”

  “Okay. Go shower.”

  I scramble off.

  His bathroom is so luxurious. I can’t get over it. It’s a place I don’t belong. So foreign to me after spending so many years in poverty and then imprisoned. I'm scared to touch anything. I check the locks at least twenty times before slowly taking off my clothes and placing them in the corner of the bathroom. Being alone is the only time I'd allow myself to not drown in the material. I make my way to the mirror and sigh. I’d never let Adam see this. Never let anyone see it.

  Granted, Adam has seen it. And the doctor. But I’ve added more since then, and the shock has worn off so it feels more real and shameful. The idea of someone seeing me makes me want to rip my skin off straight off my body.

  Disgusting. But my mind has become this dark vortex I can no longer control.

  I slowly make my way to the giant shower room. I shower as quickly as possible. One, my body disgusts me. Two, I can’t bare the memories that hide in here. This is where Adam broke me. If I had never gone in here I could have maybe handled what he did to me a little better. But I did go in. And in that, he took all my walls and guards and burned them to the ground in a rush of smoke. I feel that fire again. The one that rages within me, but I swallow. It goes down. I finish up and quickly dry myself off, throwing my clothes back on.
When I head back out I find Adam sitting on the bed texting a million miles a minute.

  He’s so important and I'm just a pawn, at best.

  I clear my throat. He looks up and frowns.

  “I need to get you new clothes.”

  I grip my sweatshirt. “No.”

  He cocks an eyebrow. “No?”

  “No. No new clothes. Please.”

  “That scares you?”

  There’s no judgment in his voice, only question. Slowly I nod.

  “What if you pick them out? You can cover all the skin you want to.” He gives me a small smile. I know he’s trying to comfort me, but I don’t understand why.

  “I can do that?”

  “Of course.”

  I nod then. “Yes, please.”

  He smiles, genuinely pleased. One that lights up his entire face. I don’t know why, but at that moment my brain flashes with images. His cruel face as he whipped me, taunted me, threatened me. I scramble backward and curl into the wall.

  “Lacey? Lacey…”

  “Don’t touch me,” I scream. “Please, just… stay away.”

  “Okay. I'm over here. I'm on the other side of the room. Open your eyes and see.”

  “I can’t… see you.”

  “I'm turned away.”

  I peel one eye open. Then the other. He is on the other side of the room, facing the wall. Just like he said. My eyes trail over his body before curling myself back into the plaster.

  “I saw.”

  “Okay then. I'm gonna turn around but…”

  “Please just leave me here.”

  I hear him turn around. I feel his eyes take me in.

  “What’s going on Lacey?”

  I shake my head.

  “Okay. I'm gonna leave. The doctor is gonna take a look at you. Okay? Maybe that will… help.”

  Slowly, I nod. The door opens. I feel him look back before leaving.

  “I'm sorry Lacey. You have no idea how sorry I am.”

  I wish I could smash my fist into the plaster and bury myself inside it, but I'm just human. There is an exchange of bodies before another man is looking me up and down, not understanding why I am borrowing against a plain white wall.

  Chapter 9:

  Rose:

  “Rose. Sis. Wake up. You’re having a bad dream.”