Undercover Fan

by Jennie Bennett

  “Minji,” I say in a tone that hopefully won’t scare him. “I’m going to need you to let go of me so we can get up.”

  His arms squeeze my mid-section, forcing some breath out of me. “You can’t let go!”

  So much for being an Invincible Boy Scout. “It’s okay,” I soothe. “I’m going to hand you this rope and you can stand still here while I get on the platform. Then I’m going to take your hand and ask you to open your eyes.”

  I can feel him nod into my back. Lacing my fingers through his, I guide his hand to the rope, and carefully, carefully, let go.

  “You got it?” I ask, holding onto it with him. Once I let go, I’ll have to balance on my own until I can grab the platform.

  “Got it,” he says, his eyes shut so tight it scrunches his face.

  “I’m letting go in one...two...”

  I release the rope before saying three so he doesn’t have time to panic and grab me again. Jutting my arms out the sides I tighten my core and balance on the rope. It’s a good thing I’ve done the balance beam a lot, or else I might be as terrified as Minji.

  As soon as I can bend over and reach the platform, I do.

  “You can open your eyes now,” I say, laying stomach down on the platform and reaching out my hand.

  Minji peeks one lid open, notices me waiting for him, then lets out a belly laugh. That causes the tight-rope to sway so he stops, clinging to the rope above him with both hands.

  “Minji,” I say, as calmly and evenly as I can. “You can’t make it here if you don’t reach your hand to me.”

  He closes his eyes once more, takes a deep breath, then locks eye contact with me. It’s a good thing I’m lying down already or I might be knocked over dead by his gaze. I stretch as far as I can while still staying stable, and he lets hesitant fingers reach back to me. The progress is slow, but the second our hands meet, both of us squeal.

  With that, he leaves the rope he was holding behind and comes over to me. I help him onto the platform, then he helps me to standing. Both of us cheer, giving a double high five. Before I know what’s happening he sweeps me up in a hug and spins me around.

  “You did it,” I say, not hiding my admiration of him. “Now we just need to do the zip-line.”

  His smile flattens. “Right, we still have that.”

  “Let me guess,” the attendant says, breaking into our conversation. “You two want to ride tandem.”

  Tandem? As in both of going at the same time? “We can do that?” I ask.

  The attendant shrugs. “I probably shouldn’t let you, but it’s possible.”

  “Yes,” Minji answers before I have a second to think.

  The attendant—Gloria according to her nametag—helps us out of our harness for the ropes course and into the zip-line ones. One thing she forgot to mention about tandem is that I have to sit directly in Minji’s lap to go down. Right now, both of us are standing. Granted, there’s no space between us, but once we take off we both have to sit.

  “Lean back as you go,” Gloria instructs. “That way you’ll get the smoothest ride. Most importantly, make sure your feet land first.”

  A sudden swell of nerves takes over. I might not be afraid of heights, but having nothing except Minji directly below me is a little scary.

  It doesn’t help that Minji is hyperventilating right now.

  “I can assure you,” Gloria says, “This is totally safe. Just enjoy the ride.” She pulls a couple more straps and checks the ropes. “I’ll push you off whenever you’re ready.”

  “Alright,” I say, “let’s do this.” Experience has taught me that when I’m nervous, the best thing is to get it over with.

  “Wait,” Minji says, his voice a panic. “Give me a minute.”

  No way. If we wait around here. He’s never going to go. We’re strapped together so it won’t be hard for me to take the lead.

  I reach behind me and put Minji’s arms around my waist again. “Hold tight,” I say. “And don’t speak. I’ll take care of both of us.”

  Minji’s forehead rests on my shoulder. I know he’s completely trusting me. It feels good knowing I can do something for him, after he’s done so much for me. I look at Gloria and signal we’re ready without saying a word.

  Luckily, she picks up on my cue and pushes. It’s hard to describe that rush of leaving the ground knowing you’re about to drop faster than you should.

  There’s only one real way to say it. It’s like flying without wings.

  Minji screams the second the wind picks up, rushing in our ears and deafening the real world. His arms contract around my waist, making it feel like I’m totally protected in his grasp. I lean into him and spread my hands so I can catch the current, pure excitement bursting from my lungs.

  The world is totally different up here. Magical. Humans weren’t meant to see this perspective, which is what makes it so amazing. We wanted to fly, so we created ways to do so.

  “This is the best thing ever!” I scream.

  And then something incredible happens, terrified Minji lets go.

  That’s when I see it all. No matter what life brings us, we’ll always have this moment. Because I gave Minji the courage to spread his arms.

  “I’m on top of the world!” he yells.

  We’re both laughing. Screeching as the adrenaline overtakes our systems. Win. So much win.

  The ground is right beneath our feet and I brace my legs, knowing I’m going to take the biggest impact. We hit a few bumps as our coil goes over the slowing mechanisms before we reach the bottom.

  Both of us hit the earth running. A new attendant is there, unhooking us the second we start to decelerate.

  The moment were free, I turn to Minji, clapping.

  His feet plant as he howls to the sky.

  “We did it!” I scream. I can’t say anything in a normal tone. The excitement is too much.

  Minji rushes over and grabs me in a giant hug. “We did it, we did it,” he echoes.

  I squeeze him as tight as I can, jumping in circles with him, and not knowing if I’ll have a chance like this again. For the first time since I met Minji in person I wish that we were two high school kids who didn’t have anything between us. No deadline, no Korea, no fame to keep us apart.

  Minji pulls away and looks at me, his smile fading. “What’s wrong?”

  Shoot. I didn’t realize how hurt I was until he said something. Now I’ve ruined our perfect moment. I wasn’t supposed to do that. I keep my mouth closed, afraid to look at him.

  “Are you injured?” he asks, patting me down.

  I shake my head, covering my face with my hands. This is so stupid. Why do I have to do this now?

  He takes my fingers and eases them away from my eyes. Both his hands tangle with mine as he holds firm. “I thought we were having a good time,” he says, swinging our arms.

  I sniff. “We were. I was. I am.”

  His forehead is all crumpled. “Then what is it?”

  I don’t want to tell him, but it wouldn’t be fair for me to keep it in either. I’ve already ruined our triumph. My gaze flits to his. There’s not much space between us. Minji must realize it too because he stops swinging our arms.

  We’re alone. I have no idea where the attendant went, but she must’ve left when we started hugging.

  “It’s because I don’t want you to leave,” the words come out as a whisper. A confession of something I know can never be, but hurts all the same.

  Minji steps closer so our upper bodies are touching. “Don’t,” he says, his breath caressing my lips. “You’ve already made this so hard on me.”

  Hard on him? What about me? Everything was fine before when he was unobtainable, but now it’s gotten that much more complicated.

  He feels so good. His warmth, the smell of leather in my nose. There’s no one else in the universe, I want to stand with me like this.

  “I can’t help it,” I say, my throat closing. “That’s how I feel.” What I really want to
say is that I love him. That I couldn’t handle it if he left me because my heart would break in two. It’s already shredding just standing here, knowing it’s not going to last.

  His right hand releases mine, his fingers finding my face and wiping away a rogue tear that escaped without me knowing. Then his hand trails behind my ear, and warm shivers follow every place he touches. His fingers tangle in my hair, causing my head to tilt up—right onto his lips.

  Tingles start at the point of impact until the chills are running down my arms and all the way to my feet. Our lips caress as both of us try out the most tender touch.

  He pulls away, but our noses keep contact. “I don’t want you to go away either,” he says.

  I can see the conflict in his eyes. It’s like he knows he’s supposed to be pushing me away, but it’s too late now. Both of us tried, as much as we could, to hold back and be friends, but that’s all been shattered with a single gentle kiss.

  This time, I take the lead, leaning up to capture his mouth. Our lips naturally part and press together again. Moving as one.

  He grips at my back, our breathing speeding up. My free arm goes around his hips, clutching at his spine. Each kiss begs for more, mixing with the longing for one another. Knowing it might end, and hoping it never does.

  “Um, guys.”

  Minji and I break apart, my face growing warm from the neck up.

  “Sorry to interrupt,” the attendant says, “but I really need to pack this stuff up.”

  I didn’t realize Minji and I were still standing on the harnesses. Awkward.

  “We’ll just be going now,” I say as I drag Minji by the hand.

  “Thank you!” Minji shouts as I tug him away.

  “I don’t think I’m afraid of heights anymore,” he says with a laugh.

  If more heights mean more kissing, I’m game.

  Too Good to be True

  We spend the rest of the afternoon on the beach. I teach Minji how to do a backflip, he gets it right on the third try, and he pays me back by trying to throw me in the water. I don’t let him, but then again he doesn’t try that hard. I think he just likes seeing me squirm.

  It’s soothing to be out here, the constant lull of crashing waves relief from a normally rushed world. The salt air, the sound of the birds, it’s amazing.

  We walk hand in hand along the shore and back until the sun starts to set. Minji stops and pulls me in for an embrace as the sky colors a deep pink. The water looks green with the reflection of lowering sun, white waves breaking onto the rock piers.

  “This has been the best day of my life,” Minji whispers in my ear.

  “Mine too,” I whisper back.

  We don’t need to say anything more, we just hold each other until our arms grow numb and our feet grow weary.

  Neither of us want to think of the future. Only now.

  Driving over the bridge back towards Houston is harder than I thought it would be. It’s like we’re leaving our perfect day there and we’ll never see it again. I hope that’s not the case, but once we hit the downtown traffic I’m reminded that we don’t live in a place where time is no object.

  Minji’s phone rings as we near our freeway exit, and the spell that held us together breaks.

  He answers through a Bluetooth he’s connected to the radio. I can’t tell who it is because the contact is written in Hangul, but Minji answers in English.

  “What’s up?”

  “Minji?” His uncle says, words coming through the car speakers. I remember his voice from our one meeting since it was distinctive.

  “Yeah,” Minji says, “I’m here.”

  “I found your phone,” his uncle answers, his tone even higher than normal.

  My hand grasps the handle by the door as the words sink in. Not the phone that’s at my house? It’s off, and probably dead by now.

  “You did?” Minji says, sounding excited. “Where is it?”

  “Still in Spring, just like we thought. Are you close by?”

  “Yeah,” Minji answers, signaling to exit.

  This is not the time to lose it. Someone had to get into my bedroom, a thief maybe? I do have a pretty nice house. They took the phone and found a charger and started it up. It’s not at my house. There’s no way it’s still at my house.

  “Great,” his uncle continues like nothing is wrong. “I’ll give you the address and you can meet me. I’m almost there myself.”

  “Hang on,” Minji says before the location can be divulged. “I have to drop Corrine off at home first. I’ll call you back right after and you can tell me where it is.”

  “Good idea,” his uncle says and they both hang up.

  When I get home I can run away and pretend that phone had nothing to do with me, If there is any mercy in the world, he won’t find out. Lead fills my stomach anyway, the anticipation heavy.

  My house is all lit up when we get there. A black utility van is parked in Minji’s usual spot. The very van that his uncle drives. This is it. I’m so dead. The second we walk in there, things are going to explode.

  Minji definitely notices the van, but he doesn’t say anything, parking on the other side of the street instead.

  “I have to tell you something,” I blurt once the engine is off.

  Minji holds onto his keys, not lifting his head. “Please tell me that’s not my uncle’s van.”

  “I didn’t mean to lie—” I start, but Minji is out the door before I finish.

  I follow him, running and grabbing his arm as he goes.

  “Let go of me,” he says, pausing in the middle of the street.

  “Minji, please understand. I wanted to tell you from the beginning.”

  “Then you should have,” he snaps, wrenching himself from my grip. “We’ve had all this time together. I’ve been with you any chance I can for almost two weeks. I thought I was going crazy with how much my mind was consumed by you. I found out everything I could about you from your peers. Then today...”

  He trails off, holding a hand over his mouth. Tears forming in those amazing eyes. I did this to him. I’m the worst.

  There is no rebuttal. The most I can do is stand here and wish this wasn’t happening.

  “I really liked you, Corrine,” he says, “I didn’t want to get involved because I was leaving, but you just...”

  It was him who kissed me, but I won’t say that now. There’s only one thing to say.

  “Minji, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to take your phone. At the fan gathering there was that commotion, and—”

  “The girl with the scarf?” he says, his head snapping up. “That was you too, wasn’t it?”

  “I can explain,” I try. He has to understand. After today I can’t lose him. “Things changed when—”

  He tears at his hair, screaming. “I risked everything for you.”

  “I know,” I beg. “If you’ll just listen—”

  “No,” he says, pointing a finger in my face. “Now I understand why Abby did what she did. All you think about is yourself.”

  I hang my head, drawing in one long shuttering breath in my last attempt to not let the tears spill over. “Minji, I love you.”

  Maybe I can’t make the lie go away, but I can do everything to pour my emotion into that one truth. It’s not just the longing I had as a fangirl either. He’s become my rock, the person I lean on when I’m down. The one I want to call and tell everything to. The person that means more to me than anyone else.

  I only see a shadow of Minji’s face as he turns to me. All the joy from earlier is gone.

  “If you love me,” he says, “You never would have lied.”

  With that, he heads for the house. I crumple onto the asphalt, the pieces of my life disintegrating in my hands. He’s right. People who love each other don’t keep secrets, and I’ve spent too much of my time being someone I’m not.

  ***

  Minji doesn’t come to school on Monday, not that I expected him to. None of my texts have been answered, none of
my phone calls returned. I didn’t have his real number anyway, just the one from the pre-paid phone he was using while I had his real one.

  One week passes, two. A month goes by and Minji isn’t part of it. I’m more alone than I’ve ever been. No one talks to me at school, no one is there to greet me at home. The only contact I have with the outside world is my online presence as Korean Corrine, and I can’t use it for fear of seeing Minji again.

  One thing I do know, I’m not going to be fake anymore. I’m done with that. Fake made me lose the only person I’ve ever loved.

  My PTS shirt came in the mail yesterday and I plan on wearing it to school. It’s the total opposite of most things I put on. Black in color, baggier than my frame. It even has a picture of a grenade on the front. If someone didn’t know me or K-pop they’d think I was into guns or something.

  I don’t notice the flood of students as I walk through the halls. It’s amazing how quickly I went from queen to nothing, and I did it all to myself.

  I’m about to walk into American History when someone stops me, a random girl whose name I don’t know. “Cool shirt!” she says.

  It’s the first time I’ve smiled since Minji left. It makes me want to cry at the same time. I haven’t been able to listen to K-pop since the incident.

  “Are you a fan?” I say, holding my shirt out.

  “Huge fan,” the girl gushes. “My bias is Rapdude, you?”

  “Minji,” I say, my voice cracking.

  I haven’t spoken his name since he left, and it feels foreign on my tongue.

  “Can you believe he came to our school?” The girl responds. “He was hanging with some girl for a while, but then he left. I wish that was me...anyway, I love Liar.”

  Minji’s solo, one of my faves. Funny that she doesn’t recognize me as the girl he was with. She was probably too busy looking at him. I know I would be.

  I offer her my fist to bump. “Cool, we’ll have to fangirl sometime.” Not today. Not yet. It’s still too soon, but now I feel like I might actually get there.

  Abby is in her usual spot, the chair in front of mine. I never switched chairs because of assigned seating. This is the first time I’ve looked her in the face since the incident.