A Strong Hand to Hold

by Anne Bennett

  ‘I’m sure I could get them to stretch a point in my case,’ Charles had replied.

  Linda thought maybe he could. Certainly the management would do little to antagonize a man so influential or so wealthy, and she sought about for another reason.

  ‘Linda, do you like me?’ Charles had asked earnestly.

  ‘Mr Haversham, I hardly know you.’

  ‘My name is Charles and I thought that was the purpose of a date – to get to know one another,’ Charles had said.

  ‘Yes, but …’

  ‘Is there someone else in your life?’

  ‘No,’ Linda said. ‘Of course not. I’m not ready for any sort of relationship yet, that’s all.’

  Charles was bemused, for he knew Linda wasn’t telling him the truth. There probably was someone, but whoever he was, he was not making her happy. Indeed, maybe he didn’t know of her love for him. But he did not press her. One thing he’d learned was patience and he would bide his time. He knew now he wanted Linda in his life, in his home. He wanted to dress her in silks and satins similar to those his mother had worn, so that she could be a fitting hostess to the people he would invite to their home, and when she sang for them, they would know what a lucky man was. In short, Charles Haversham wanted to marry Linda Lennox and give her a life she could only dream of. She could have anything she desired, for he was generous as well as rich. He was sure she wouldn’t mind his lack of sexual response; she was such a child still, it couldn’t be important to her. She would be grateful to him and would have plenty of pleasurable amusements and pastimes to fill her days.

  However, he said none of this to Linda. The time wasn’t right yet, but one day, he would have her. Whoever the man was she imagined herself in love with, he would not be able to give Linda half as good a life as he could. Of that he was certain.

  Linda watched his face and was glad he hadn’t pressed the point of her going out with him, for nice as he was, it would have been ridiculous. Charles Haversham seemed even older than his thirty-four years, and though he appeared pleasant enough, Linda thought it would be like going out with her father. So when Charles pulled up at her gate, she thanked him politely as she got out of the car and went up the path without a backward glance.

  TWENTY-ONE

  The following Sunday afternoon, Linda recounted some of the conversation she’d had with Charles Haversham to Sarah Phelps, as they sat before the fire. She’d gone alone knowing the Phelps children would be away. Jenny had taken Geraldine’s children out for a walk on her own for a change, saying it was time Linda had a break. She was glad of it, for she needed to talk to Sarah Phelps.

  ‘And why did you refuse him, lovely?’ Sarah asked. ‘A man like that could give you a good time.’

  Linda stared at her, and then said, ‘I wasn’t born yesterday, Sarah. I know what a man like that wants with a girl like me, and I’m not that kind of girl.’

  ‘What d’you mean, a girl like you?’ Sarah demanded. ‘Ain’t you as good as anyone?’

  ‘No. No, I ain’t. Not to people like him,’ Linda said. ‘You should see them. Proper toffs they are. They don’t marry the likes of us. They just like to have fun with us. Only trouble is, it’s not them that has to pay for the fun, it’s the girl every time, and it ain’t a game that I want to play. Any road,’ she went on, ‘he’s much too old for me.’

  ‘How old is he then?’

  ‘Thirty-four.’

  Sarah Phelps thought a bit about that. She knew Linda had a point and hated the thought of someone playing with her affection. But Linda wasn’t stupid and seemed to be able to see rogues a mile off. This man certainly sounded like a rogue. Old enough almost to be Linda’s father and asking her for a date like a young lad! Linda seemed to think he was after one thing and she could well be right. So he was a toff. Did that matter after six long years of war that surely would have turned the class system on its head? ‘Is that the whole reason?’ Sarah asked.

  ‘What d’you mean?’

  ‘Is the total reason you rejected him because he’s older than you and because he’s rich and you’re not?’ Sarah said.

  Linda flushed and said, ‘’Course. What other reason could there be?’

  ‘You could have your eye on someone else?’

  ‘Well, I haven’t,’ Linda said.

  It was said so definitely that Sarah thought she’d probably been mistaken about the incident she’d observed in the snow between Linda and Max. It had happened weeks before anyway, and since then she’d seen nothing to make her think Linda even liked the young German. She was polite and that was all. Of course, she was a sensible girl and would know it was no good starting anything with someone who could be whisked back to Germany any day soon.

  Linda sat and darned socks and the silence stretched out between herself and Sarah while she tried to analyse her feelings about Max, but she found it almost impossible to do so. In the first place, she had denied to herself and others that she felt anything for the tall handsome German. She hated his race with a passion, a view that, at that time, most British people shared. She knew Maureen did and Beattie, and now even Jenny and Geraldine. Yet, on a personal level, she couldn’t even dislike Max. She was ashamed of her passionate feelings for him. She wanted to feel his arms around her, his lips on hers. Sometimes her dreams of Max and what she wanted him to do disturbed her sleep and remembering them later disturbed her daylight hours as well, but never ever, she thought, had she betrayed herself. Maybe, she thought with a sigh, it’s time to get it all out of my system. Maybe I should talk to Max and probably find he’s just an ordinary man who has no more fascination for me than any other. Maybe it will get rid of the madness of my mind and body that is causing me to lose sleep and concentration.

  Sarah saw the doubts and fears flooding over Linda’s face, but she didn’t speak. She wondered what was going through her mind, for she was a complex person. Eventually Linda said, ‘Where’s Max today?’

  She could have kicked herself as soon as she said it. She knew Ruby had gone to visit friends in the village and Sam had taken his children off to an auction of farm machinery, and presumed Max had either gone with him or stayed at the camp all day, for she imagined prisoners had to be under the jurisdiction of someone.

  But apparently Max was still here because Sarah said. ‘He’s in the top field. In fact, you’d do me a favour if you’d take him some tea up. I’ll make up a flask and some sandwiches, for he’ll not take the time to come down because those fields have got to be made secure as soon as possible. The sheep broke through the fence in the bottom field last week and must have trotted down the lane as nice as you like and ended up in the vicarage garden. They ate most of the vegetation and trampled the rest into the mud, I tell you Linda, our names were mud at the meeting of the parish council.’ Sarah giggled and went on, ‘We made sincere and abject apologies to all and sundry, and Sam, Max and Ruby made an inspection of the fields and repaired any holes or other potential escape routes. The only trouble is, Sam will be turning the sheep out into the top field soon, which he does once the lambing season is over. Max said the fencing is so bad, battered as it is by winter gales, it will all have to be either replaced or strengthened, and he’s at it now. Mind you,’ she went on, listening to the wind howling around the house, ‘the weather doesn’t get any warmer. God, here we are in March and it’s colder than December.’

  ‘And will Max welcome me breaking in on such important work?’ Linda asked.

  ‘God, girl, he’ll probably think you’re a miracle itself,’ Sarah said. ‘With the wind and cold up there, he needs some sustenance.’ She glanced slyly at Linda and gave her a dig in the ribs. ‘Even if he is a German and as such our mortal enemy?’

  Linda didn’t really want to go, but she could hardly refuse and anyway, it would give her a chance to talk to Max. She didn’t know if she wanted to talk or not, but if she decided not to once she got there, she could just put the snack down in front of him and walk away.

 
‘Come and give me a hand then?’ Sarah said, jumping to her feet. ‘We have to feed our captives well.’

  And laughing alongside Sarah, Linda went into the farm kitchen and helped prepare a feast for Max Schulz.

  ‘I’ve brought you up your tea,’ Linda said.

  Max straightened his back from where he’d been bending over, strengthening the fencing, and smiled. He took the small parcel from her hands. ‘You have saved my life,’ he said.

  The top field caught the full blast from the north wind, thought Linda as she watched Max unwrap the sandwiches. Small wonder indeed that the fences were blown over and. Sarah was right – the cold was intense for that time of the year. She felt the wind whistling about her head setting her ears throbbing and she thought it was hard to believe that it was nearly spring . .

  ‘Thank you,’ Max said. ‘You will share with me, yes?’

  ‘No,’ Linda said. ‘It’s for you. I’ll get mine at the house.’

  ‘A little only?’ Max said. ‘Please?’

  ‘Just a bit then,’ Linda said, thinking it was sensible to wait and take the things back to the house. Max led the way behind the hedge skirting one side of the field. It offered quite considerable shelter from the wind and she sat on the edge of a hummock and Max sat beside her on another, the parcels of food and the flask between them.

  Max smiled at her and the smile turned her insides to jelly. ‘Ah Linda,’ he said.

  Linda took a deep breath and struggled to control her voice and said as casually as she could, ‘What?’

  ‘You know what.’

  Linda couldn’t look at Max: she knew she’d be lost if she did that.

  In answer he picked up her hand, and held it.

  ‘Oh, Max please. Stop all this. It’s madness.’

  Max gently lifted her chin and gazed deeply into her eyes and Linda felt her knees tremble. He knew he’d loved her from the moment she’d bumped into him that first evening. He’d sensed her unease when she’d learned he was not only a prisoner-of-war but also a German. He’d loved her, though he’d sensed her reluctance. He’d sensed her fear and trepidation, and he’d wanted to tell her she need never be afraid of him. Given a free choice, he’d have laid down his life for her, but his life wasn’t his own and he had no right to do what he wanted with it. He was a German and had no right at all to love anyone and certainly not an English girl, but he couldn’t help himself. He’d tried to put her out of his mind, but she’d invaded his dreams even though he’d only seen her for moments at a time.

  And then came that snowy blustery day at the end of December, when she’d arrived unannounced, flanked by two children so silent and white they might have been walking corpses.

  He’d seen them arrive from the barn where he was making a sledge for the young ones. Sam had filled him in later as to who the children were and what had happened to them. Max felt bad that the family had been deprived of a husband and father. But there were so many families like them in Germany, and all over Europe. God, the carnage was terrible.

  He recalled how he’d taken Linda down the slope on the sledge and as a consequence had half buried her in a snowdrift. God, how he’d panicked, digging frantically to release her until he’d pulled her free and held her in his arms for the first time. Then he knew he wanted Linda and only Linda in his life forever. At twenty-one, he was no virgin, though he’d been celibate since his capture the previous year, but no knowledge could have prepared him for the gut-wrenching sensation he’d felt as he held the young girl tight against him.

  He wanted to talk about how he felt, and yet when he tried, Linda had become angry, and for weeks afterwards she’d remained remote. She seldom spoke to him and then only when there were others about, and she purposely averted her eyes from his. Yet here she was bringing him some tea and sandwiches. They were alone, in a deserted field.

  Knowing he might never have another chance, Max looked into her eyes said earnestly, ‘Linda, I think I love you.’

  ‘Don’t be silly,’ she said crossly.

  ‘It is not silly to love.’

  ‘Yes, it is. You are a German. We’re enemies.’

  ‘Our countries perhaps,’ Max said. ‘Please listen, Linda. I didn’t plan to love you. It would be better that I didn’t.’ He took her hands again and she allowed him to, as he asked, ‘What do you feel for me?’

  What did she feel? Linda knew she should tell him he meant nothing to her. She tried, but she couldn’t get the words out and so she said nothing.

  Gently Max released Linda’s hands and, cupping her face, he kissed her lips. Linda gave a gasp. She had never been kissed before and was surprised how much she enjoyed it. And when Max kissed her again she was in his arms, kissing him back with an intensity that took her by surprise, and moaning with pleasure. It gave him the answer she’d refused to voice.

  Max moved his hands over Linda’s body and she pulled herself from his arms and unbuttoned her coat, but as she was about to remove it, Max protested, ‘No, no. You’ll get cold.’

  Linda took no notice. Get cold? She felt as if she was on fire! Max kissed her neck and throat and she moaned again and his own desire mounted. He took off his jacket and laid it on the grass of the field that had been rimmed with frost that morning and he pushed Linda gently down on top of it.

  Heedless of the icy wind, Max slipped his hand inside Linda’s jumper and she wriggled beneath him as he cupped her firm breasts. In all her young life, Linda had never felt such passion. Boys had never been a feature in her life and even the servicemen she’d played to had never touched her heart in the slightest. Max had captured it totally and he guided Linda’s hands and moaned with a desire to match her own. For a brief moment, Linda remembered the fumbling of her stepfather, but she firmly shut that image out of her mind and responded to Max.

  But he pulled back, as Linda was reaching her peak of excitement, ‘No,’ she cried.

  ‘Linda, we cannot. We must not,’ Max said. His breath was coming in great gasps and he drew away with difficulty, frightened for Linda, who he was sure was a virgin.

  But Linda couldn’t bear the emotions charging through her body and she refused to let him go and pulled him down on top of her and held him tight. ‘Oh, love me Max,’ she cried desperately. ‘For God’s sake love me.’

  For a moment, Linda felt a sharp stabbing pain and then a sensation so exquisite that she cried out again and again as her rapturous pleasure rose higher and higher in waves.

  And when it was over, the tears came, squeezing from her eyes and trailing down her cheeks. Max was alarmed, ‘What is it? Oh, my darling, don’t cry, ah my love.’

  Linda continued to weep as Max kissed the tears from her eyes. He pulled her clothes around her and wrapped her in his arms. Eventually, she lay quiet and Max said, ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘Don’t be.’

  ‘You are not sad?’

  ‘No, Max you dope,’ Linda said and she thought, so that’s what all the fuss is about, what everyone talks about and hints at. She had no idea it could be so lovely and feel so good. No one had ever mentioned that.

  But Max thought of the possible consequences and hoped there would be none. He held Linda close to him and wished he could say he’d look after her, but he couldn’t and he castigated himself for possibly endangering her in any way.

  ‘Put your coat on,’ he advised and she did so, beginning to feel the cold seeping into her bones again.

  Max’s own jacket was soaked from the grass but he put it on anyway. ‘Now,’ he said. ‘We will eat the food and drink the hot tea. We have much to talk about.’ He put his arm around Linda and went on, ‘Not how much I love you, for that you know already. We need to discuss the future.’

  Linda had settled herself back in the shelter of the hedge and accepted a sandwich before she spoke and then she said regretfully, ‘There’s no future for us, Max.’

  ‘Ah. This is rubbish,’ Max said. ‘We are two people in love. We belong together.’


  Linda shook her head. ‘Max, I can’t even tell my family about you, never mind discuss a future together,’ she said. ‘No one knows about you at home. I made the mistake of mentioning you once the first time I saw you, and that was enough. They hate Germans.’

  ‘All Germans?’

  Linda nodded.

  ‘But, this is crazy.’

  ‘It’s how it is, Max,’ Linda said. ‘I can’t tell Jenny, with her brother, brother-in-law and friend killed, and her fiancé in constant danger. She’d never agree. And I love her too much and owe her too much to go against her.’

  ‘Even if your heart tells you otherwise?’

  ‘Even that.’

  ‘But why? If this Jenny loves you …’

  ‘There’s no if about it,’ Linda said firmly. ‘I’m sorry, Max.’

  Max looked so sombre, Linda felt for him. ‘What we have experienced today,’ she said, ‘will probably have to last us a lifetime. Soon the war will be over and you will go home, and that will be that, anyway.’

  ‘I don’t intend to stay in Germany,’ Max said. ‘There is nothing there for me anymore.’

  He was silent for a moment. Linda opened the flask and poured them both tea, and handed Max a cup before she asked, ‘So what will you do? If my family think like the rest of the country, and I believe they do, you won’t be welcomed back here after the war.’

  ‘I know that too and I also know I have to be sent back to Germany first. Then I will apply to emigrate to America.’

  ‘America?’

  ‘New York,’ Max said. ‘At least at first. I have a cousin called Werner there who will sponsor me. He is many years my senior. Werner got out of Germany years before the war. He told my mother and father what was coming. Not, of course, that he foresaw the true cost of human life and six years of war, but he knew when the Nazi Party got in a little of what it would mean,’ Max said. ‘He asked Mother to send Joseph and myself, even if they couldn’t go too at that time, but my father refused to separate the family.’