by Vaclav Havel
Irena Shouldn’t you mention your favourite slogan: ‘Less government’?
Rieger Ah yes, less government, lower taxes and higher pensions and benefits. That’s it in a nutshell.
Dick (reading) And how did your policies impact on women?
Rieger Going forward, we intended to bring in a special bonus for working women who also had a home and a family to look after.
Irena You talked a lot about that. You called it ‘dish money’. We used to make fun of it. Remember, Monika?
Monika smiles and nods.
Victor Sorry to butt in, but it might be appropriate to point out that these were policies with a very long time frame.
Rieger Of course, it couldn’t all have been accomplished right away. But on the other hand, we wanted to put an end to the politics of procrastination.
Dick As far as economic policy is concerned, I’d like to just ask – (He quickly shuffles through his notes.) – how you intended … what you intended – (He finds the question.) – what you intended to do to attract foreign investment?
Rieger We had several instruments for achieving that. Are you drinking? Does everyone have enough? Oswald, could you top people up?
Oswald pours everyone more champagne. Hanuš enters from the villa.
Hanuš Vilem –
Rieger For instance, when a potential foreign investor wanted to build something – a warehouse, let’s say – we would have cut down the trees, cleared the undergrowth, levelled the ground, brought in water, sewage, gas, electricity, internet access, and built roads and parking lots. At the same time, this would increase employment, which would in turn decrease unemployment.
Hanuš Vilem –
Rieger On the other hand, we wanted to provide incentives, including zero-sum or negative-sum tax payments, and special profit-based rewards –
Hanuš Vilem –
Rieger And then, thirdly we – what was the third thing, Victor?
Victor I can’t remember, Dr Rieger.
Hanuš Vilem, please –
Rieger Wasn’t it an offer to fund a polyfunctional promotional campaign for qualifying corporations?
Victor I don’t know. Yes. Maybe. Perhaps.
Irena nods to Monika, who approaches Irena, who then whispers into her ear while Monika nods.
Hanuš Vilem – I’m sorry to interrupt, but we have a minor problem.
Rieger What is it?
Hanuš Several days ago, according to the administration department records, you took out a hundred erasers, fifty coloured pens, a litre of ink, and ten packages of paper. Shouldn’t we be returning some of that, at least?
Victor (shouts) Don’t bring that up, Hanuš!
Hanuš But we don’t want to leave ourselves open to attack over such trivial items.
Rieger Don’t be such a nervous Nellie!
Irena has finished whispering to Monika, who exits into the coach house. Hanuš exits into the villa. Dick, after searching for a while, finds another question.
Dick (reading) How would you respond, Dr Rieger, to critics who accuse you of not waging a tougher war on bribery and corruption, especially among our leading politicians?
Rieger The exact opposite is true. It was I, after all, who first drew the public’s attention to some rather shady transactions involving Klein.
Irena When a politician buys five luxury homes, all at the same time, for himself and his extended family, doesn’t that strike you as a little odd? Vilem talked about this openly and what happened? Everyone attacked him for it, and Klein just laughed. Isn’t that so, Vilem?
Rieger It is.
Victor To be precise, we did not press charges, so in the formal sense –
Rieger Charges or not, everyone knows that with just a little more time, I would have given bribery and corruption a good run for its money. After all, it’s been a priority of mine for the last fifteen years.
Monika enters from the coach house, goes over to Oswald and whispers something to him. He nods, then bows and exits into the coach house. Monika gestures to Irena that something has been settled.
If I might venture beyond the bounds of your question: I have always believed that decency and morality were extremely important in the marketplace. I simply wanted this country to be a safe place. For everyone.
Irena You’ve already said that, Vilem.
Rieger Some things bear constant repetition. For instance, the idea that there are times when freedom must be defended by force. After all, that’s why we have an army, a police force, an intelligence service, a counter-intelligence service, a second police force, a militia, special forces, first-strike commandos, an army – and so on.
Grandma enters with a basket full of cherries. She’s accompanied by Knobloch, who is carrying a rake. Oswald enters from the coach house with another bottle of champagne. He opens it and tops up everyone’s glasses, while quietly laughing to himself.
Irena I brought this champagne back fifteen years ago from Paris. We bought it on the Boulevard St Germain with Jack Lang. He loved this champagne, especially the 1915 – October cru. (To Oswald.) What are you laughing at?
Oswald Yepichodov broke a billiard cue.
Irena What’s Yepichodov doing here? And who let him play billiards? I don’t understand these people!
Oswald suppresses a laugh, then quickly clears the unnecessary things off the table, the empty bottles etc., puts them on a tray, bows and exits into the villa. Grandma shows everyone the cherries.
Grandma There’s going to be a bumper crop this year. What will we do with all those cherries?
Knobloch When I was young, those cherries would be dried, pickled, marinated and made into jam. They were so soft and sweet and juicy, those dried cherries. They smelled so good.
Rieger You’re not the only one who remembers that, Mr Knobloch. I’d rather hear what’s new. What are people saying about me? Do they feel the same vast intellectual and spiritual abyss between me and the current leadership as I do? The thing is, these journalists here are going to write about it.
Knobloch People like Vice-Prime Minister Klein.
Rieger What? He’s Vice-Prime Minister already?
Knobloch I heard it on the radio just a while ago. (He points to The Keyhole.) May I?
Rieger Go ahead.
Knobloch takes a copy of The Keyhole and exits. Grandma also takes a copy and makes to exit into the villa with her basket of cherries, looking at the paper as she leaves. Dick leafs through his notes and finally finds a new question. Grandma pauses before exiting into the villa.
Grandma Angelina had breakfast with Brad in an Indian restaurant.
Grandma exits into the villa.
Dick (reading) And now to change the subject a little – do you still feel young, or do you feel you’ve aged?
Rieger Haven’t aged a bit, mentally or physically.
Dick (reading) How does your long-time companion, Irena, get along with your mother and daughters?
Rieger Irena gets along well with almost everyone. (Calls out.) Mother!
Grandma appears in the doorway of the villa, holding The Keyhole.
Tell the gentleman how well you get along with Irena.
Grandma Just fine.
Dick (reading) Do you think, Mrs Riegerova, that your son and his long-time companion Irena are fond of each other?
Grandma Vilem’s rather afraid of her.
Irena He’s not afraid of me in the slightest, and he tries to get his own way. But I respect that and I always try to accommodate him, because I have enormous regard for him. And I love him.
Dick And do you also love your long-time companion Irena?
Rieger Yes. Could I say something?
Irena There are some things he’s terribly shy about and it’s impossible to get a sensible word out of him –
Rieger Could I say something?
Irena – yet in other things he’s not shy at all.
Dick What kind of things?
Rieger Could I say somethi
ng about my education policies?
Dick Go ahead.
Victor We didn’t really accomplish a great deal in that regard.
Rieger I wouldn’t say we were complete failures either. I wanted those who went through our school system to come out as wise, decent, and well-rounded, well-educated people. That was the main idea behind my plan for school reform. If it was slow to be realised, that was mainly the fault of some teachers who were not themselves sufficiently wise, decent or well-educated.
Dick Have you been faithful to Irena, your long-time companion?
Rieger (insulted) Of course I have!
Dick When did you last have sex?
Rieger (angrily) That’s none of your damn business!
Dick But it would certainly interest readers of The Keyhole.
Rieger (shouting) Fuck them!
The Voice I would urge the actors to act naturally, not to raise their voices pointlessly, to avoid pathos, to articulate their lines well, to stick to the text, and not resort to histrionics. Thank you.
Dick turns off the recording devices and puts everything back in his bag.
Dick I think that’s everything. May I?
Dick positions himself between Rieger and Irena, putting his arms around their waists. Bob takes their picture from all angles.
Can we take a few more shots inside?
Irena But please, be quick about it.
Irena exits into the villa, followed by Dick, Bob, Victor and Monika. Rieger exits last, but he stops on the steps. Zuzana also stops.
The Voice When a playwright requires a character to be alone on stage, or have a conversation the others are not meant to hear, he usually tries to devise ways to usher the unnecessary characters off the stage. Shakespeare didn’t worry about such things. His characters simply walk on or walk off as he required. Today, there are many complicated ways of getting actors offstage. Often, they leave to prepare something to eat. That’s also a way of ensuring that when it’s time for them to come back, their entrance will be natural because, in the meantime, they will have got something ready, and they can bring it onstage at the right moment. I wonder if having the characters go into the villa collectively for a photo shoot will seem too arbitrary a way of getting them out of the way so that something can happen that they are not meant to witness? Yes, I admit, I need them off the stage. I would add, however, that it is customary for newspapers to run photographs of the subject of a major interview at home, and for members of the family to be present, if only to do a quick tidy up or make sure the journalists don’t steal anything.
Zuzana continues working on her computer. Rieger notices that Bea is now on stage.
Rieger Bea –
Bea Is it true they’re trying to evict you?
Rieger They’ll rent this place to me if I support them publicly. They said they would continue with my policies.
Bea That’s rubbish. They may say they are guided by your political principles, but it won’t be genuine, because all they’re interested in is power. You’ve been strong all your life – that’s who you are, that’s your identity – and after all you’ve gone through, you can’t just give up. We’re all going to try to find you a suitable place to live.
Rieger That’s so kind of you, Bea.
Bea kisses Rieger.
Bea You smell so nice.
Rieger It’s partly for you.
Bea You seem far younger than you do on television. You have hardly any grey hair.
Rieger You have no idea how badly I sometimes need encouragement. And kind words from a young, pretty, wise, well-educated creature make me feel twice the man.
Rieger and Bea look at each other intensely for a moment, and Rieger suddenly embraces Bea and begins kissing her. Bea gently struggles, more for show, to get out of his embrace.
Bea No – not here!
Rieger Come!
Rieger takes Bea by the hand and leads her quickly into the gazebo. They embrace and kiss. Oswald enters from the villa running. He is laughing, and in each hand he holds half of the broken billiard cue. He examines the break, shaking his head, laughing. Then he exits into the coach house. The ‘Ode to Joy’ sounds from one of Zuzana’s pockets. She puts the computer aside, walks downstage, takes out the mobile phone and turns it on. The ‘Ode’ stops. Zuzana listens intently. For a moment, there is utter silence.
Zuzana (into the telephone) And your point is?
At that moment, the wind rises and it begins to rain.
End of Act Three.
Interval.
Act Four
The orchard outside the Rieger villa. The same day, a short while later. The wind and the rain have died down. Rieger and Bea are hugging and kissing in the gazebo. Oswald is sleeping in the bushes not far away, but he can’t be seen.
Irena (calls from offstage) Vilem! Darling! Where are you?
Irena enters, followed by Monika. She stops close to the gazebo, then something catches her attention, and she looks inside and sees Rieger with Bea.
Vilem!
Rieger and Bea quickly emerge from the gazebo, and rearrange themselves in great embarrassment. Irena glares at Rieger for a moment, and then slaps his face.
Rieger Ow!
A short pause, then Irena slaps Rieger in the face again.
Ow!
A short pause, then Irena starts quickly slapping his face over and over, while Rieger tries to fend off the blows.
Rieger Ow – I’m sorry – I can explain … Ow!
Irena What’s there to explain? You’re a ridiculous, selfish, miserable, dirty old man. Or more precisely, you’re the parody of a dirty old man.
Bea Goodbye!
Bea exits, Rieger comes up to Irena and tries to caress her. She pushes him away.
Irena Why do you think I had the French champagne brought out? Because today is our fifteenth anniversary! I deliberately waited to see if you’d remember it. Naturally, you forgot. And not only that, you betray me on this very day, and in the very gazebo where we had such wonderful, wild times together.
Rieger You’re making too much of this. She merely kissed me – I couldn’t very well push her away, could I?
Monika leans toward Irena and whispers something to her. Irena nods and then yells in different directions.
Irena Oswald! Oswald! The onions are burning.
Oswald gets up, looks around sleepily, bows, and goes into the villa.
Have you ever thought how much I’ve given up because of you? My flat. My place as a make-up artist with the Midget Brothers. Family. My flat. My cottage. My friends. My flat. My best friend –
Rieger Best friend?
Irena You’ve never met him … My flat. I lived only for you and through you. I did everything to satisfy your needs, to make your life easy and harmonious. I accepted a role as your shadow and enhanced your career in so many ways. I patiently endured everything around you – including your mother. You say the individual is at the heart of your politics, but you haven’t a clue what love is. You’re just as cynical as all the rest of them.
Rieger Who do you mean by ‘all the rest of them’?
Irena All of you lot. Monika, we’re leaving.
Irena takes Monika by the hand and exits with her. Rieger goes to follow her.
Rieger (calling out) Irena! My dearest! Forgive me! It was just a silly little thing.
Vlasta enters with Albín.
The Voice I don’t know what it is exactly, but something bothers me about that scene. Does it disrupt the poetics of the play? Is it banal? Is it too flat? Too much of a parody? Not enough of a parody? Or, on the contrary, is it too highly emotional, too overblown? But what can I do? I’ve done the best I can with it.
Vlasta Have you looked at them yet?
Rieger Looked at what?
Vlasta At the documents Albín and I gave you.
Rieger Not yet.
Knobloch enters with his rake.
Knobloch Well, it’s here, Dr Rieger. A courier just came and deliver
ed the eviction notice. From today on, it says, you’re living here illegally. They’ve assigned you a bachelor flat.
Rieger Where?
Victor enters from the coach house.
Victor In some village or other about a hundred versts from here. It’s too bad you were so inflexible. You might have won some concessions from them. Now, clearly, it’s too late.
Rieger We’ll go and live with Vlasta.
Vlasta I’m sorry, Daddy, but Albín and I have talked this over again, and we weighed all the alternatives and in the end we decided that that would not be a good solution, either for you or for us. We’d be squeezed together like sardines, and we’d soon be getting on each other’s nerves. We could give Zuzana a folding bed in the kitchen for a few days, but what would we do with Grandma? Where would we put her? In the village, you’ll have peace and quiet. I’d give anything to be able to live in the country!
Grandma enters from the villa with a frying pan in her hands. Knobloch exits.
Grandma He burnt the onions. What should I do with this?
Rieger Just toss it out, Mother.
Grandma The frying pan too?
Rieger Either clean it properly, or toss it out.
Grandma Where’s Irena?
Rieger She’s gone.
Grandma Where to?
Rieger I have no idea.
Grandma Did Monika go with her?
Rieger Yes.
Grandma Should we wait dinner for her?
Rieger I don’t know.
Grandma (to Vlasta) Are you and Albín staying for dinner?
Vlasta We’re going to Albín’s parents’ place.
Grandma For dinner?
Vlasta Yes.
Grandma And where’s Zuzana? She was just here a while ago.
Rieger I don’t know, Mother.
Grandma Did she go dancing?
Rieger Perhaps.
Grandma Where did she put her computer?
Rieger Mother, please – no more questions.
Grandma Well, I beg your pardon. (She looks at the frying pan.) I’ll probably have to throw this away.
Victor It’s not a complete disaster.
