by Vaclav Havel
Rieger What isn’t?
Victor The interview.
Victor exits into the coach house. Knobloch enters with his rake, holding an open Keyhole in his hand.
Knobloch ‘He had women on the brain.’ That’s the main headline on page one. ‘“He never professes his love, but he’s very sensual,” says his current mistress. Is he faithful to her? No one knows.’
Rieger Is that today’s?
Knobloch It’s the day after tomorrow’s.
Rieger tears The Keyhole away from Knobloch and looks at it. Victor enters from the coach house with another copy of the same edition. He looks at it with Grandma, who has gone to stand beside him. Vlasta and Albín huddle around Rieger and read his copy over his shoulders. A pause.
Rieger What kind of nonsense is this? Did they at least print the whole of our interview?
Victor Yes, except for the political bits.
Rieger Why did you let them in here, for God’s sake?
Victor Remember what Tony Blair once told you? If you don’t answer their questions, they’ll answer them for you.
Rieger You idiot! I can’t imagine a more embarrassing way to end my political career.
Vlasta You should take a look at those documents – it’s in your best interest, isn’t it, Albín?
Albín nods. Rieger crumples the newspaper up and throws it at Victor. Victor leaves. Knobloch leaves after him.
Grandma Where will we go? To Vlasta’s?
Vlasta But Grandma, whatever gave you that idea? You wouldn’t all fit in! And Albín and I have our own lives to live; we haven’t time to listen to all your questions. And where would you sleep? Who would cook for us all? Zuzana will move a boyfriend in with her, and then what? Father needs a writing desk, he’d be entertaining reporters all the time – it’s simply out of the question. (To Rieger.) Will you look at them?
Monika rushes in.
Monika Irena tried to jump off a cliff.
Rieger What cliff? Did she actually jump?
Monika I held her back.
Rieger Thank you, Monika. You’re pure gold. Please, keep a close eye on her, will you?
Monika I will.
Monika exits.
Vlasta It’s true we have a large flat, but it’s laid out so badly that Albín and I are always tripping over each other. And you can hear every sound, every word people say. Fortunately Albín never says very much. It’s enough to make you nervous about going to the bathroom, isn’t it, Albín? I just felt a drop of rain. Read it! Let’s go.
Vlasta and Albín leave. Victor enters carrying a document. The wind slowly rises and a light rain begins to fall.
Victor Excuse me, Dr Rieger, but a promising offer has just come up. Would you be interested in going on some kind of personal speaking tour? You could tell entertaining anecdotes from the life of a Chancellor, sex it up here and there with spicy details about other statesmen, interspersed with hit songs. You could take Miss Irena along as your make-up person. And your entire entourage could fit into a minivan.
Rieger And who, precisely, is making me this offer?
Victor The Show and Tell Tourist Agency run by Hogg, Einhorn, Midget Brothers, Gambacci Sr and Associates.
Rieger Don’t respond – at least not just yet.
Grandma So, what’s going to happen?
Rieger The village is going to happen. (To Victor.) Can you go there tomorrow and take a look?
Victor I’m sorry, Dr Rieger, but in my opinion it would be more sensible for you to pay a visit to Vice-Prime Minister Klein as soon as possible, if he’ll see you, that is. Or at least write him a letter. Otherwise he’s threatening to make more trouble. One has to have both feet on the ground.
Rieger My feet are on the ground! Are you going to check it out tomorrow or not?
Victor I’m sorry to say I already have something lined up with one of the government agencies. It wouldn’t make a very good impression if I were to cancel my first meeting.
Oswald enters.
Oswald Dinner is served.
Grandma And what will become of you, Oswald?
Oswald Me? I’m meant to be going to the Ragulins, to look after their household. I’ll be something like a major-domo.
Rieger Why don’t you all go to the Ragulins? And then straight to the devil!
Rieger snatches the frying pan out of Grandma’s hand, hits Oswald on the head with it, then flings it away and exits energetically.
Grandma (to Oswald) Are you all right? Come along now, before you fall asleep.
Oswald bows and exits into the villa with Grandma. Victor exits into the coach house.
The Voice I also love an empty stage. The question is, how long can it remain empty? In my observation, nothing much happens at first: the audience is simply waiting. Next they start to become restless because they don’t know what’s going on. Then they begin muttering and mumbling, because they’re starting to suspect that something has gone wrong and that the theatre’s at a loss to explain why the play is not continuing, or why the curtain has not come down. Finally, people start leaving, or they laugh. But the main point is that an empty stage has its own special content, its own message. It is the emptiness of the world, concentrated into a few minutes. An emptiness so empty that it remains silent, even about itself.
A pause. The stage grows subtly darker, the wind rises and the rain becomes heavier. A soaking wet Rieger enters. The dye he has used to colour his hair is flowing down his cheeks in little rivulets. He is followed by Hanuš, cradling the bust of Gandhi in his arms.
Hanuš I know that this bust means a great deal to you.
Rieger Mao Tse-tung admired it greatly when he came to visit.
Hanuš I’ll leave it with you. I’ll take the blame for it. Let them lock me up if they want. Morally, it belongs to you.
Rieger and Hanuš exit. Grandma enters from the villa, looks around, and then calls out.
Grandma Vilem! Vilem! Where are you? We’re having eggs, and fresh cherries!
Grandma exits into the villa. Rieger enters with the branch of a bush hanging round his shoulders. Hanuš enters at a different spot, carrying the bust of Gandhi in his arms.
Hanuš Are you here, sire? On such a night, even the creatures of the night tremble in fear, and the beasts of prey hide in their lairs.
Rieger I have no complaints against you, ye elements! I have not given you my kingdom. Beat against me, if that is your wish. The government is here to serve the citizen; the citizen is not here to serve the government. I am a man more sinned against than sinning. It is raining. Do you write verse?
Hanuš You have nothing to cover your head, sire. Here’s a hovel. It will shelter you a little from the storm.
Rieger You are right, boy. Come, bring us to this hovel.
Hanuš puts the bust down, takes Rieger by the hand and leads him into the gazebo, where they both sit down.
Blow, winds, and crack your cheeks! Let the all-shaking thunder strike flat the thick rotundity of the world. Crack nature’s moulds, all germains spill at once, that make ungrateful man!
Oswald enters from the villa.
Oswald Where is my lord?
Hanuš He is here. But let him be. Let quiet calm his torn senses, which otherwise could not be made whole.
Oswald Dinner is getting cold.
Hanuš So be it!
Oswald bows and enters the villa.
Rieger Put a dog in office, and see how he’s obeyed. The greater thief hangs the lesser. Robes and furred gowns hide all. Plate sin with gold and the strong lance of justice hurtless breaks. Arm it in rags, a pigmy’s straw does pierce it.
Hanuš There is reason in this madness.
Rieger We came crying hither. The first time that we smell the air, we wail and cry that we are come to this great stage of fools. Let us have less government!
In the following scene, various characters enter from various points, say their line, walk across the stage and exit again. Only Rieger remains on stage. The w
ind and the rain slowly die down.
Irena How did you sleep last night?
Grandma What paper do you work for?
Vlasta Could I have a little more cinnamon? Will you have some too, Albín?
Zuzana My regards to Monika.
Bea Yepichodov broke the billiard cue.
Rieger Less government!
Hanuš I didn’t come here to eat your food or waste your time.
Oswald You have nothing on your head, my lord.
Dick I’ve always had a soft spot for Monikas.
Bob It was right below the Acropolis.
Victor I don’t want a blanket!
Klein I’m not tired, Mother.
Knobloch We couldn’t care less what you think of us.
Klein I’m not tired, Mother.
Rieger I don’t want a blanket.
Irena It was right below the Acropolis.
Grandma I’ve always had a soft spot for Monikas.
Vlasta You have nothing on your head, my lord.
Zuzana You’re so kind, Irena.
Monika I didn’t come here to eat your food, or even take up much of your time.
Hanuš I like you, Albín.
Gradually, unobtrusively, all the characters have reassembled on stage: Rieger, Irena, Grandma, Vlasta, Zuzana, Monika, Bea, Albín, Hanuš, Victor, Oswald, Dick, Bob, Klein and Knobloch.
The Voice I have a word of my own for this kind of phantasmagoric or dreamlike confusion of lines or variations of lines, and some minor nonsense, taken more or less at random from previous scenes. I call it a ‘hubbub’, and I like to put it somewhere before the end, perhaps in the place where catharsis is supposed to occur. What is it? A prelude to some final ravelling or unravelling of the plot? A metaphor for the chaos of the world or the chaos in the mind of the main character? A pure expression of authorial mischief? A product of dramatic logic? A deliberate trick? Probably all of the above.
A rock version of the ‘Ode to Joy’ comes up, quietly at first. Everyone begins to sway or move to the rhythm. The music grows louder, the dancing more and more lively, until finally it becomes very wild. Then the music suddenly stops. Everyone except Rieger quietly disappears in different directions. The lights suddenly come up full on stage, and the wind and the rain suddenly stop as well.
Rieger I feel worse now than I did when I was feeling my worst.
The First and Second Constables enter.
First Constable Would you mind coming with us, Dr Rieger?
Rieger Where are you taking me?
Second Constable To the police station.
Rieger Why?
First Constable To provide us with an explanation.
Rieger I’m not going to explain anything to you.
Second Constable I’m afraid you are, sir.
Rieger Am I under arrest? With no recourse? For a twist of fate? I demand to be treated decently. Ransom will be paid!
First Constable I kiss your furry little bumblebee, my sweet piglet.
Rieger is taken aback.
The Voice Could you do that once again, please?
First Constable I kiss your furry little bumblebee, my sweet piglet.
Rieger (cries out) He didn’t burn them. I want to see a doctor! Those damned letters! My brain begins to turn! That disgusting young Gambacci! Oh, God!
The Constables come up to Rieger, each one grabbing him by the arm. Rieger resists, refusing to go, and in the end he allows himself to be dragged off, his legs stiff and motionless. Immediately after that Albín streaks across the stage and into the villa. He is completely naked.
End of Act Four.
Act Five
The orchard outside the Rieger villa. A day later. Several large pieces of luggage are lying beside the garden furniture, among them the bust of Gandhi. The painting of Rieger from Act One is leaning against one of the suitcases, facing the audience. Rieger is sitting on one of the trunks. His hair is once more grey, perhaps even greyer than before. He is not made-up, and he looks somewhat more haggard and lethargic, especially beside his youthful and elegant appearance in the portrait. A short pause. Grandma enters from the villa with a handful of socks, which she starts stuffing into one of the suitcases.
Grandma How are you?
Rieger My trousers keep slipping down.
Grandma You’ve probably lost weight.
Rieger Probably.
Grandma Would you like a hot toddy?
Rieger Not today.
Oswald enters from the villa with a huge armful of damp laundry, which he starts stuffing into one of the trunks. Hanuš enters from the coach house, walks across the stage and exits into the villa.
Grandma Shouldn’t I be picking some cherries for the journey?
Rieger As you wish, Mother.
Grandma Are we going to clear out the cellar as well?
Rieger I don’t know.
Grandma Will they come for us first, and take the luggage later?
Rieger Yes. Probably. Certainly.
Grandma Or will they take the luggage first, and come for us later?
Rieger Probably. Possibly. I don’t know.
Hanuš enters from the villa with a pile of books in his arms, all of them the same, most likely a set of encyclopaedias. He walks across the stage and exits into the coach house. Knobloch enters, carrying his rake.
Knobloch They’ve sold it.
Rieger Sold what?
Knobloch The villa and the orchard.
Rieger Seriously? The government sold it? Are they allowed to do that? And who bought it?
Knobloch Vice-Prime Minister Klein.
Rieger At least it’s someone we know.
Knobloch exits. Vlasta enters with the naked Albín in her arms.
Vlasta He was sunning himself under the cherry trees and went stiff with the cold.
Grandma Put him next to the stove for a while.
Vlasta, carrying Albín in her arms, exits into the villa. Hanuš enters from the coach house, walks across the stage and exits into the villa. Oswald finishes stuffing the laundry into the suitcase, bows, and exits into the villa.
Rieger He already has five villas. What’s he need another one for?
Grandma What did those officers want from you yesterday?
Rieger Oh, they only wanted some kind of explanation.
Grandma And were they polite?
Rieger Yes, probably. Certainly, yes, they probably were.
Irena and Monika enter. Irena is limping and Monika is supporting her.
Irena! I was so worried about you.
Irena I’m such a goose. What have I ever got from you? Why do I always forgive you for everything? Why have I not accomplished anything today? Why am I ruining my life with you, when I could have been so well off with … or with … What’s his name? Or with …
Rieger The main thing is you weren’t seriously hurt.
Hanuš enters from the villa with a pile of books in his arms. He walks across the stage and exits into the coach house. Knobloch enters with his rake and an open copy of The Keyhole in his hands.
Knobloch (still walking, he reads aloud) ‘Former Chancellor’s Mistress Likes Dick.’ And there’s a picture of the reporter with his arm around Irena’s waist.
Grandma, Rieger, Irena and Monika surround Knobloch and look over his shoulders at The Keyhole. Hanuš enters from the villa with a pile of books. He walks across the stage and exits into the coach house.
Grandma (to Irena) You shouldn’t have let him stand so close to you. It’s your fault!
Irena Get stuffed, Granny.
Knobloch exits with The Keyhole.
Irena Did you sign anything for them?
Rieger I don’t know. Probably. Certainly. I think I probably did.
Grandma And what was it?
Rieger An account of our conversation. It was quite innocent. It would have been hard to refuse.
Hanuš enters from the villa with a pile of books. He walks across the stage and exits into the coach hous
e.
Irena Is it in your own handwriting?
Rieger Just the signature.
Irena In your own handwriting?
Rieger It was just an explanation. The document I signed merely confirmed that I had listened to what they had to say. And that’s true. And what if I did sign it? I have to think of all of you. In any case, none of us knows what weapons these bumblebees still have in their arsenal.
Irena What bumblebees?
Hanuš enters from the villa with a pile of books. He walks across the stage, heading for the coach house.
Rieger Can’t you give it a rest, Hanuš?
Hanuš I’d be glad to, Vilem.
Hanuš exits into the coach house with his books. Oswald enters from the villa with a case of beer. He puts it next to the suitcases.
Grandma Where’s Yepichodov?
Oswald He’s gone to play billiards at the Ragulins’.
Oswald can scarcely contain his laughter. He bows and exits into the villa. On the steps he passes Zuzana, who is wearing a backpack, carrying a laptop in one hand and a bag with various things in it in the other.
Zuzana Daddy, Gerard is inviting us all to come to his place.
Rieger Who’s Gerard?
Hanuš enters from the coach house and sits on one of the suitcases.
Zuzana He’s French.
Rieger French?
Zuzana He represents the firm of Smith, Brown, Stapleton, Bronstein and Stoessinger, Inc. He has a lovely house.
A horse whinnies off stage.
Rieger How do you know him?
Zuzana He’s my partner. I’ll give the coachman the address.
Rieger I didn’t know you had a partner.
Zuzana There’s a lot you don’t know, Daddy.
Zuzana puts her things on the ground, takes her mobile from her pocket, punches in some numbers, puts the phone between her ear and her shoulder, picks up her things again and starts to leave.
(Into the phone.) Hello? … Yes, everything is okay … I’ll see you soon. Bye.
Irena Bumblebees?
Zuzana exits. Offstage there is the sound of a chainsaw and a falling tree. Those present on stage listen attentively. Victor enters from the villa with a cup of tea, a bottle of rum and a small plate of biscuits. He puts everything on the table, then pours some rum into the tea.
Victor The Vice-Prime Minister has big plans for this place.
