The Magic Misfits: The Second Story

by Neil Patrick Harris

  “Not to worry!” Mr. Vernon exclaimed. “I’ve got nothing up my sleeves.”

  “Magicians always say that,” Jimmy growled. “Be sure it’s true.”

  Leila shuddered, wishing that all this would be over. She wanted Sandra out of the store. She couldn’t stand to be near such an awful liar, even if the woman was trying to help them now. Even if she might be—

  Through the window, Leila noticed Theo, Ridley, and the twins heading through the park toward the store. Oh no, she thought. They’d all planned to meet at the shop after the appointment with the lawyer. But Theo, Ridley, Olly, and Izzy had no idea that they’d be in danger if they came across the street. Leila tried to keep her expression blank, so that the villains wouldn’t turn around and see the other Misfits. She squeezed her poppa’s hand and he squeezed back. He’d seen them too.

  “I think my book might be in the back of the store,” said Mr. Vernon. “If you’d all just follow me.”

  “Uh-uh,” Sammy warned. “Not all of us. Mrs. Varalika, you go. And be careful. This man has fast hands.”

  “I’m not worried,” said Mrs. V. “I’ve got fast fists.” It amazed Leila how different this woman seemed from before. Leila couldn’t believe she had actually thought that Mrs. Varalika might have given birth to her. Pammy stomped off behind Mr. Vernon, who seemed to glide between the shop’s tables and displays as if his feet weren’t even touching the floor.

  Leila watched in horror as Theo, Ridley, and the twins approached the shop door. She hoped they might notice what was happening, but it was too bright outside—the other Misfits could only see their reflections in the window. The bell jangled as they entered. When the door bumped against Sammy, the tall man jumped, knocking into Tommy.

  Carter broke Sammy’s hold and dashed farther into the store, putting distance between himself and the villains. Leila called to her friends, “Watch out! They’re the frown clowns!”

  Theo, Ridley, Olly, and Izzy moved to the right, away from the hands of Timmy and Jimmy, and into the small space behind the counter.

  As soon as the door slammed shut, all chaos broke loose.

  “Grab those kids, and find the ledger!” Sammy yelled.

  The remaining frown clowns bolted forward. Olly and Izzy did a quick box-step-and-bow, blocking Mr. Varalika. As they leaned toward him, the two field mice jumped from their vest pockets onto his jacket lapels. Mr. Varalika turned white and let out a bloodcurdling shriek. He ran smack into Sammy’s chest. The two former clowns beat at each other as the mice ran an obstacle course across their bodies, hopping from slapping hands to raised knees to kicking feet.

  Both twins cried out, “Yay!” They were impressed that their mice had finally managed to do a trick, even if it was one they’d never trained for.

  “Go, Ozzy!” shouted Olly.

  “Get him, Illy!” Izzy cheered.

  (Phew! I finally got those names right!)

  But then the mice dropped out of sight, and the two men were left alone, looking sheepishly down at the twins. Sammy squinted and growled, “You’ll pay for that.”

  The twins clasped arms. Olly barrel-rolled over Izzy, kicking his legs in the air, smacking both men across their faces with the shiny tips of his leather tap shoes. The villains flailed and knocked over a stack of windup chatter-teeth, which tumbled to the floor. Tiny jaws hopped, snapping at their feet. Olly landed perfectly and then bolted toward one side of the store. Izzy dashed away toward the other. The men shook off the kicks to their heads and then sprinted after the two—Sammy toward Olly, Varalika toward Izzy.

  Meanwhile, Theo and Ridley moved farther into the store, but neither got very far. Tammy crawled out from under a display table in front of Ridley and stuck a billy club between the spokes of her wheel. Ridley’s chair bucked, nearly tossing her onto the floor. “Don’t touch my chair!” Ridley yelled. Then she smiled and added, “Wanna see an amazing trick?” The girl was so startled by the offer that she actually paused and looked up at Ridley, wide-eyed.

  Ridley plucked three brass rings from the display table. “Look! Totally separate. Totally solid!” She spun the rings in her fists and then clanked them together. Tammy blanched at the sound. When Ridley spread the rings out again, they were latched together. “Things aren’t always what they seem, kid.” She lined the rings up again and tossed them over the small girl’s head and shoulders. They slid down and pinned the girl’s arms to her body. Tammy shrieked and squirmed and toppled over, unable to move. Ridley started trying to extract the club from her wheel.

  A few feet away, Tommy was swinging his billy club and stomping toward Theo. In retreat, Theo jumped up onto a separate display table, kicked aside several books, and whipped his magic violin bow out of his pants pocket. He held it like a wizard’s wand toward the small, grinning man. “Do not come closer,” Theo said. “I’m warning you! I have secret powers you do not wish to observe.” Tommy dipped under the table and was gone from view. “Shoot,” Theo whispered to himself, trying to peer over the edge for a glimpse of him.

  Across the store, Leila and the Other Mr. Vernon huddled in the center of the room, overwhelmed by the commotion. Sandra watched them, frozen near the front window. When Top Hat jumped out from behind a glass jar filled with feather flowers, Sandra released a surprised peep. She dropped to her hands and knees before crawling around the side of a bookcase. Leila tried to go after her, but her poppa hugged her close.

  Near the rear of the shop, Mrs. Varalika clutched Vernon’s elbow, digging long fingernails through his jacket and into his skin. The bookshelf in the back wall suddenly swung open, and Carter popped out, startling the woman. He raised both arms slowly, dramatically, and before Mrs. Varalika could scream, several decks of cards burst forth from his palms, shooting at her wildly, their sharp edges nicking her face.

  It was all the distraction that Mr. Vernon needed. Leila blinked, and her dad was no longer at the woman’s side. He’d stepped onto the secret lift that was embedded into one of the columns below the balcony and zipped up and over the railing.

  The flurry of cards knocked Mrs. Varalika off her feet, and she fell toward the bookcase, pulling one shelf loose. When she hit the floor, several of the heaviest volumes thumped down on top of her.

  A moment later, Vernon appeared at the balcony railing, holding a length of white rope. “Catch!” he called, tossing it down to Leila, who caught it one-handed.

  Timmy careened toward her, arms outstretched as if to catch her and hold her hostage. Quickly, Leila handed one end of the rope to her poppa. Together, they pulled it taut and dashed at Timmy, clotheslining him so he flew backward and crashed onto his back.

  “You all right?” Leila asked her poppa. But before he could answer, Timmy jumped to his feet again and knocked her poppa to the floor. Timmy raised his fists and was about to bring them down hard. As fast as a whip, Leila turned the rope into a lasso and caught the villain’s fists. She gave one jerk, pulling the man backward. When he tried to reach for Leila, she looped the rope around his wrists twice, then dove between his legs and wrapped the rope around one, pulling it taut. Timmy crashed to the floor, and Leila knotted the rope. It was the perfect trap. The more Timmy pulled, the tighter the rope got. His wrists and one leg were clasped together in an impenetrable knot. “Sammy!” he cried out. “She got me! I’m done for!”

  Sammy was busy, though—he was holding Olly by the collar, having finally snagged the boy. Olly whined and looked around for Izzy. “Do you like balloon animals?” Sammy asked, reaching into his jacket and removing several brightly colored balloons. “I make a killer giraffe.” He blew the balloons up quickly like a pro, then held them near Olly’s ear and squeezed them. They burst all at once, sounding like fireworks in the small shop. Olly cringed and then fell to the floor, clutching at his ears. Sammy glanced around the shop. “Anyone have eyes on that ledger yet?”

  “Workin’ on it,” came a raspy voice from the spiral staircase. The stout woman who called herself Jimmy walked
slowly but solidly up the steps.

  “Leila!” Vernon shouted from the balcony. “Run and get help!”

  “I can’t leave you here with them,” said Leila.

  “We are the help, Mr. Vernon!” Theo shouted from atop the display table, raising his magic violin bow. He turned to find Tommy leaping toward him. Calmly, Theo positioned the bow over a box of Mexican jumping beans near his feet. The box rose up off the table and tipped over. The little beans fell to the floor in a giant twitching, hopping mass. Tommy grinned and kicked them away. The small man clutched the edge of the table and began to shake it, trying to knock Theo off balance.

  Leila leapfrogged over the counter, then ducked down and started digging through boxes, searching for what might save them all. Handcuffs!

  “I warned you,” said Theo, moving the violin bow over Tommy’s head. With a twist of Theo’s wrist, the small man suddenly lifted several inches off the floor. He screeched in surprise. Theo steadied his feet, moving the bow away from the edge of the table and out of Tommy’s grip. The little man was stuck, dangling just above the floor. And Theo looked like he was conducting a symphony. “Your schemes are rotten—just like your ridiculous rhyming names!”

  Sammy shouted, “Jimmy! Varalika! Hurry, Vernon is up to no good!”

  But then, the same could be said for Jimmy. She’d finally reached the balcony and was chugging toward Mr. Vernon, who was backed into a corner. From the wide pocket of her green dress, she removed a giant clown-makeup compact and flipped it open, revealing a powder puff of extraordinary girth. White powder spilled out as she gripped the puff in her thick fingers. She rushed at Vernon and slapped at his face, enveloping him in clouds of choking dust. Mr. Vernon coughed and raised an arm, trying to block her, but she just kept coming, like a steam engine on a straight track.

  Ridley noticed Mr. Varalika cornering Izzy near the hat rack. He was holding a large sword that Ridley recognized from the glass case underneath the front counter. Izzy looked like she was playing a complicated game of patty-cake, slapping at the man every time he moved toward her, but Varalika wasn’t giving up.

  With one last punch, Ridley finally knocked the billy club loose from her chair. The club skittered across the floor, just missing Tammy’s cute little nose. Still unable to do anything but roll around, the girl screeched in anger.

  Ridley grasped her wheels and pushed as hard as she could. The chair flew forward, right into the back of Mr. Varalika’s legs. His knees buckled as Ridley swiveled out of his way, then he crumpled to the floor, writhing in pain. The sword dropped with a resonant clatter.

  Izzy cheered, but then her eyes grew wide. Ridley noticed a large shadow cast on the wall; someone was looming behind her chair. She shifted her elbow toward one of her armrests and pressed a secret button. Water squirted out from her handlebars, catching Sammy in the eyes. He stumbled backward with a roar of frustration. Ridley spun and knocked him in the shins with her leg-rests. He shrieked in agony and stumbled away from her. “You don’t mess with a girl and her chair!” she spat.

  Izzy saw Olly on the floor on the opposite side of the store. She ran over to him and cradled his head, whispering into his ear.

  Leila noticed her dad on the balcony, struggling with Jimmy’s powder puff, fending her off with his sharp elbows. Trying to focus, she rifled through the drawers behind the counter. Where were those darn handcuffs?

  “Would… you… please… stop doing that!” Mr. Vernon choked out between Jimmy’s powder attacks. The woman launched herself from another angle, but she lost her balance and stumbled into the railing. There was a snap and a cracking sound as the wood shattered, and her body crashed through the banister and over the edge of the balcony. She landed with a tremendous whump on Mr. Varalika below.

  Mr. Varalika crawled out from underneath Jimmy. He noticed the twins unattended and struggled to his feet, but the Other Mr. Vernon blocked his path, towering over the villain. “Oh no you don’t.” The Other Mr. Vernon removed a small paper packet, folded just so, from his pants pocket. He tore it open and poured red powder into the palm of his hand. “Do you like it spicy?” he asked. Not waiting for an answer, he blew the red powder directly into Varalika’s face. Varalika howled and dropped to the floor again, sneezing and rubbing at his burning eyes.

  Seeing that his group was losing, Sammy gathered his bearings, then rushed to snatch up the fallen sword.

  Mr. Vernon called out a distraction, using classic misdirection: “Looking for this?” He held a ledger with a marbleized cover over the railing. Sammy ran up the stairs, sword in hand.

  “Over here!” Carter stepped out from behind one of the freestanding bookshelves. Mr. Vernon tossed him the ledger. Sammy turned and raced for it, but before he could make contact, the book seemed to disappear from Carter’s hands.

  “Look what I found!” said Theo from atop the display table. Now he was the one holding the ledger. He let go of it, but the book continued to float in front of him, spinning slowly, hypnotically, several feet above the spot where Tommy was doing something similar.

  Ridley zoomed by him and snatched the ledger from the air. She raced down the aisle in her chair, as if daring the villain to play a game of chicken. He stepped frantically out of her way, but she managed to whack him with the ledger as she passed.

  “Enough!” Sammy shouted. He was the only frown clown still standing. Clutching the sword, he spun and leapt in front of Ridley’s chair, stopping it with his foot. Ridley jerked forward, nearly tumbling from her seat again.

  Sammy snatched the ledger from Ridley’s hands and quickly opened the cover. His face turned purple as he saw what was inside: an illustrated volume of simple magic tricks. The title at the top of the open page was Magic for Morons! Ridley chuckled and tried to back her chair away, but Sammy threw the book to the floor and stomped on one wheel, holding her in place. He raised the sword and pointed it at Ridley’s chest. “If you don’t give us that book within the next three seconds,” he called up to Mr. Vernon, “you’re going to be very sorry.”

  Leila rose from behind the counter. She’d finally found what she’d been looking for.

  “One!” Sammy shouted. The Misfits froze. “Two!” Leila glanced up at her dad, who shook his head at her, as if he didn’t want her to move. “Three!”

  Sammy shoved the sword toward Ridley’s sternum as a sudden blur of movement appeared behind him, and a loud thwack echoed throughout the magic shop. The man dropped to the floor like a sack of marbles.

  Sandra stood over the unconscious Sammy holding a glimmering object. It was her large purse, the one with the crystal ball embroidered on it. Sandra reached inside and pulled out an actual crystal ball.

  She glanced at Jimmy, who was trying to get up, and yelled at her, “Any sudden moves, and I predict a very painful future.”

  Presto landed on the broken balcony railing. She said, “Painful future!”

  Sandra reached out to Leila. Unable to process everything that had happened, Leila didn’t know what else to do. She pulled Sandra’s wrist down toward Sammy’s and cuffed them together, then rolled out of sight.

  By the time Sandra noticed the handcuffs trapping her, Leila had managed to click two more pairs around little Tammy’s and Tommy’s ankles. She tossed a pair of cuffs to Carter, who attached them to Mr. and Mrs. Varalika. A final pair went to her poppa, who latched Jimmy’s and Timmy’s wrists together. Mr. Varalika’s eyes were still swollen, and he called out pathetically, “We are going to do very bad things to all of you if you don’t let us go this instant.”

  Ridley picked up the fallen sword and pressed the tip of the blade into her hand, showing everyone how it retracted into itself. “I’m okay! Sword’s a fake!” She wiped sweat from her forehead, then whispered it again to herself: “Sword’s a fake.…”

  Carter, Theo, and Leila gathered by Ridley’s chair, asking if she was all right. Of course, Ridley groaned, “I already told you I’m fine!” Izzy stumbled over with Olly, who looked li
ke he would soon recover from the balloon blast. Ridley reached into the secret compartment in her chair’s armrest and removed several small sterile-wrapped bandages. “But what about the rest of you? Who needs a Band-Aid?”

  Seconds later, both Mr. Vernons gathered Leila and Carter up in their arms. White clown powder lingered in the air, like smoke after a battle.

  The group listened as the sound of sirens outside grew louder and louder.

  TWENTY-EIGHT

  When everyone was gone and the sun started to sink once more in the sky, the Vernons began to clean the shop.

  Leila and Carter crept back down to the basement. Behind the velvet curtain, he pushed the rusted door shut, and she used the club-shaped side of the skeleton key to turn the lock once and for all.

  The next morning came like a jolt, and Leila woke with a start.

  She asked her dad to walk with her to the town jail. She needed to speak with Sandra Santos face-to-face.

  The police station and jailhouse were across the park and down a couple blocks near the town hall. Leila forced herself to put a briskness into her step, and she held her chin up high, even when people on the street gave her funny looks. Word must have already spread about what had happened to the illustrious Madame Esmeralda. “Good morning!” she said with cheer to these people, trying to get back to her old self. It felt like flipping a switch. Well, a switch that was attached to a flickering bulb.

  Mr. Vernon walked beside her, commenting on the brightness of the sky and the birdsong and the music of the trains rumbling from across town. Leila knew he was talking simply to fill the space between them, and right now, she didn’t mind. She was certain that if he were to bring up anything important, she’d spill her own suspicions and plans, and, old self or new, that was something she was not ready to do.

  At the jailhouse steps, Leila asked her dad if she could go inside alone. He looked surprised but nodded, holding out a white-gloved hand as if to show her the way forward. A deputy brought Leila down a long hallway to a cell that was lit only by a sliver of a window. And over the window was a row of thick black bars stuck into the stone wall.