“Can I come in?” I ask.
Mutely, Ivy steps aside so I can get through the threshold. When I’m standing in her living room, I hand the bouquet to her. This isn’t exactly the reception I was hoping for.
She looks down at the flowers. For a second I’m not sure she’s gonna take them. “Thank you,” she says finally, and sets them down on the table.
“Ivy,” I begin. “I wanted to say I’m sorry, about our fight. I’m kind of fuzzy about everything, but I know I kind of yelled at you. I didn’t mean to do that.”
“Okay,” she says. Her voice is expressionless.
“I know you were just worried about me.” I shake my head. “Hell, I don’t blame you. It must have been scary not to know what was going on when I got taken out of the game.”
She nods. “It was.”
“But look, Ivy.” I take her hand and lead her to the couch. She doesn’t resist, but she’s having a hard time looking at me. I guess she’s still pissed. This probably isn’t the best moment to say what I want to say, but fuck it. It’s now or never.
“Ivy,” I continue. Her hand is still in mine, but it’s limp, lifeless. “I promise, I’ll be careful. I don’t want you to worry about me. And…” I take a deep breath. “I love you, Ivy. I wanted to tell you differently, but basically, there it is. I’m in love with you.”
Ivy’s eyes meet mine, and fill with tears. She looks…
Stricken.
“Knox,” she whispers, and starts to cry. “I can’t do this anymore.”
“Ivy?” My stomach drops to the floor. I lean forward, sure I haven’t heard her right. “Ivy, baby, I love you. I want to make a life with you. The football stuff isn’t important. It’s…”
“It is important,” she interrupts me. Ivy angrily brushes her tears away with the back of her hand. “It’s important to me, Knox. I can’t believe you can’t see that. Every time I think about you playing, I’m afraid you’re going to get hurt. That you’re going to end up injured, or paralyzed!”
“What do you want me to do?” I say, throwing up my hands. Somehow, everything’s going wrong again, and I don’t know how to stop it. “Do you expect me to just quit?”
“No!” she cries. “No, I don’t. But…” Ivy shakes her head. Her eyes meet mine. “I just can’t do this,” she whispers. “It’s over, Knox. I’m looking for a new apartment, and I’ll be moving out as soon as I can find something.”
I sit there, not moving. Not knowing what to do or say.
I want to punch something. Absurdly, I want to fucking argue with Ivy, to tell her she’s wrong. She loves me. I know she does. When I make love to her, she calls out my name as she comes. When I wake up in the middle of the night and pull her to me, she snuggles against my chest and makes the cutest little noise, like a little purr of happiness. When I tell her a joke, she throws back her head and laughs, and her eyes are alive with light and life, and she’s the most beautiful woman in the world.
She loves me. I know she does.
Doesn’t she?
Ivy’s staring at the coffee table now, her arms wrapped around herself like she’s cold. She’s refusing to look at me. Her mouth is set in a grim line. Everything about her screams that she just wants me to leave.
So I do.
I stand up, without a word, and walk out the door. Leaving the flowers behind me.
Right next to my goddamn heart.
27
ivy
The entire next day, I do nothing but lie in bed and stare at nothing.
Eventually, Zeus nuzzles my hand with his cold, wet nose and I realize I need to feed him and take him out. So I do that, and then I get back in bed and stare at nothing some more. Eventually, it’s night time, and I sleep.
The flowers on the table never make it into a vase. By the time I finally notice them the following morning, they’re wilted and dead. The petals fall off as I carry the bouquet across the kitchen to the trash.
Franklin is due back today. Knowing that I have to pick him up at the airport late this afternoon prompts me to finally take a cursory shower and spend some more time looking online for apartments. There’s not very much. Most places are too expensive or in a bad neighborhood. And I don’t want a roommate. Finally, I find a couple of studio apartments that look like they might work, and send messages to the people advertising them.
Instead of taking my car to the airport, I opt to drive Franklin’s SUV so I can take Zeus with me to meet him. Zeus seems to know instantly that we’re going to meet his dad as soon as he sees we’re taking Franklin’s car, and he starts to jump up and down and whuff excitedly like a puppy. It makes me realize I haven’t been paying much attention to him the last couple of days, and I apologize to him and scruff him behind the ears.
Franklin is looking tanned and fit when he comes out the airport doors, but the lines of fatigue I noticed around his eyes during our last video chat are still there. He greets me with a kiss on the cheek and fawns all over Zeus for a couple of minutes, until the airport police start tweeting their whistles at us and motioning for us to get our car out of the pickup queue. I help Franklin load his suitcases into the SUV and ask him if he wants to drive home.
“No, honey, you do it,” he says, waving his hand at me. “I’m exhausted.”
We head back to the condo and unload his bags and Zeus. As we do, I’m nervously hoping we won’t run into Knox, though his car is nowhere in sight. When we finally get inside and shut the door, I suppress a sigh of relief.
Franklin is starving and in the mood for an American-style pizza, so I make a call to the local delivery place and he opens a bottle of red wine. He pours us both a glass and goes out on the balcony, motioning me to follow him. I flinch, knowing that if Knox comes home he’ll hear us out there, but go out anyway and take a seat on one of the lounge chairs.
Franklin sinks down next to me with a deep sigh. “Oh, it’s good to be home,” he says, closing his eyes. He takes a sip of his wine and starts to ask me how things have been for me since he’s been gone. I keep it superficial, telling him about my studies and my hopes for finishing my master’s thesis by the end of the next school year.
Then I say the thing I’ve been dreading to say.
“I have to tell you something, Franklin. I’m moving out. Just as soon as I can find a place I can afford.”
“Honey, are you sure?” he asks, a concerned look on his handsome face. “You know you’re welcome to stay as long as you want. Just because I’m back doesn’t make a damn bit of difference.”
“I know,” I say miserably. “But I think it’s time for me to move on.”
He looks at me dubiously. “Well, Ivy, I can’t stop you. But don’t make any hasty decisions just yet.”
I shake my head. “My mind’s made up. I haven’t found anything yet, but there’s a couple places in my price range that might work out.”
Franklin is frowning. “I can’t say I’m not disappointed, honey. And I know Zeus will miss you.”
I smile sadly, thinking about how much Zeus loves Knox. “Oh, I think he’ll be fine.”
The pizza comes, and Franklin pays for it and brings it out onto the balcony as I fetch plates. We eat mostly in companionable silence.
“That hit the spot,” Franklin says finally, sitting back and patting his stomach. “Hundreds of pizza places in Buenos Aires, but you can’t get a decent pepperoni to save your life.”
I don’t want to pry, so I try not to ask directly about Juan Carlos. “Are you back in Springville for good?” I say instead.
He sighs again, and looks at me. “I don’t know, honey,” he tells me tiredly. “For a while, at least. I love Juan Carlos, but good lord, he is infuriating sometimes.”
I start to laugh shakily. “Yeah, I know how that goes.” My voice cracks on the last word, and before I know it I’m sobbing, hiding my face in my hands.
“Oh, honey, honey!” Franklin croons, reaching out to stroke my shoulder kindly. “Well, aren’t the two
of us a couple of sad sacks. So, you’ve been having romantic problems of your own, while I’ve been gone?”
He lets me cry for a little while, patting my arm and making sympathetic noises. A true Southern gentleman to the end, when I start to wind down, he takes a clean pocket handkerchief and hands it to me. I wipe my eyes and blow my nose, honking loudly.
“Honey, I had no idea,” he murmurs as he watches me. Glancing towards next door, he asks, “Does this have anything to do with our new neighbor?”
I nod miserably.
“Damn,” he sighs. “I had a good feeling about him. Being a fellow southerner and all. Did he turn out to be an asshole?
“No,” I admit. “I thought he was, at first. But he turned out not to be an asshole at all.”
Franklin looks perplexed. “Then what’s wrong, sweetheart?”
“It’s…” I try to think of a way to explain without going into everything. “We just aren’t the same, Franklin. He… he said he loves me.” My lip trembles, and I use his handkerchief to catch the tears that are starting to fall again. “But I just can’t take the risk of getting hurt.”
“Sweetheart,” he says gently. “Love is always a risk. Even when we think it’s a sure thing.”
“But…” I blow my nose again. “You don’t regret letting Juan Carlos hurt you?”
“Sweetheart, Juan Carlos didn’t hurt me. Not like that, anyway. We’re just two people, trying to figure out how to be together. I don’t regret it. Even with the pain, we’ve had some wonderful times together. I’ll always have those memories, no matter what happens in the future.” He looks at me. “And I would never have had those moments of happiness if I hadn’t taken the risk of falling in love. To me, that’s worth it.”
I look down at my hands.
“I wish I could say the same,” I say.
28
ivy
As I pull up in front of Franklin’s condo building, I try to stuff down the feeling of apprehension that’s been simmering inside me ever since he asked me to look in on Zeus this weekend. Franklin is off visiting his sister in Gainesville, and the college student he had lined up to dog- and house-sit fell through.
It’s been a little over a month since I moved out of Franklin’s guest room, and this is the first time I’ve been back. It’s funny how familiar it feels. Almost like I still live here. I climb up the stairs to the second floor condos, noting with relief that Knox’s white SUV is nowhere to be seen. Reaching down, I feel under the mat for the key that Franklin’s left me, then let myself in.
Zeus is sitting right in front of the door, waiting to greet me. He gives me a slobbery grin and stands up, tail whacking against the wall noisily as I pet him and scratch him behind the ears. Franklin asked me to just stay here with Zeus while he’s gone, but I’m not comfortable being next door to Knox. I wish I could take him to stay with me this weekend, but the apartment complex where I’m living now doesn’t allow dogs. Not to mention, I’m not even sure that my tiny studio apartment is big enough to fit him in it.
I fill up Zeus’s bowl with dry kibble, then watch in amusement as he snarfs it down like he hasn’t eaten in days. When he’s done, I refill his water dish, grab some bags and his leash, and take him downstairs for his walk. We go on our usual route, down the main road, then take a left on my favorite leafy side street, around the block, and back to the main road. I listen to the familiar sound of Zeus’s claws clicking on the pavement and his doggy huffing as we go, feeling nostalgic and a little empty inside. And trying not to think about Knox.
We’re on our way back, about a block away from Franklin’s place, when I see a silver minivan I don’t recognize parked on the street behind my car. On the sidewalk, I see a slim, attractive brunette and a man, also with brown hair, in a wheelchair. As I get closer, I see that the woman has some sort of sling/carrier thing on her chest, with a baby strapped inside.
The man and woman are talking to each other and looking around, like they’re confused or they don’t know where they are. “Hi,” I say as I get closer. “Can I help you with anything?”
“Hi,” the woman smiles at me, flashing straight, even teeth. She’s so pretty she could be a model, and I try not to stare at her. “We’re looking for a friend who lives at this address? Knox Harper?”
The mention of Knox’s name makes my stomach drop. “Um, Knox?” I stammer, feeling the blood drain from my face. “He lives, uh, up there,” I say, pointing to the second floor. “Number four.”
“Oh,” the man frowns. “Huh. Is there a handicap access to those units?”
“There’s one at the far end of the building, over there,” say, nodding my head in that direction. “I don’t think Knox is home, though. His car’s not here.”
“Oh,” the woman says. “Well, maybe we can just wait for him down here, then, Chris.”
“Yeah, we may as well,” the man agrees, and looks at me. “I’m a friend of his from high school,” he offers. “We’re in town visiting family and we timed it so we could see Knox play in the season opener tomorrow. You know he plays for the Rockets, right?”
“Yes,” I manage to say. My mind starts to telescope, and I barely hear what he says afterwards. This man is Chris Payne, I realize numbly. He has to be. Knox’s friend from high school who got injured playing football.
“How do you know Knox?” I finally hear the brunette ask me.
“I…” I stammer. “I used to live next door to him. There,” I say pointing. “I’m just walking the dog for the person who lives there now. I’m Ivy.”
“Nice to meet you, Ivy,” the brunette smiles. “I’m Jennifer. And this is Chris. And this little guy,” she continues with a grin, “is Ethan.”
Jennifer takes the Ethan’s little hand and waves it at me. The baby gurgles and smiles at me, and I can’t help but smile back. He’s adorable.
Just then, the sound of an approaching engine makes me look up, and I see it’s Knox driving toward us. My insides turn to ice as I resist the urge to flee. “That’s Knox,” I choke out, and Chris and Jennifer turn toward the SUV.
Knox pulls in and parks. The three of us watch him as he gets out of the car and saunters towards us.
“Hey,” he says. His voice is neutral, but his jaw is tense, angry-looking. I clear my throat and look away.
“Hey, buddy!” Chris calls. He raises his hand and Knox grabs it in greeting. “Good timing. We just got here.”
“We’re meeting Knox here to go get something to eat,” Jennifer explains to me.
“What are you doing here?” Knox asks me, a little rudely. Jennifer’s smile falters as she glances over at him uncertainly.
“I’m…” I stammer, pointing at Zeus. “Uh, Franklin’s out of town. He wanted me to…”
“I can walk Zeus,” Knox says flatly, cutting me off. “Give me the key. You don’t have to come back.”
“I can do it,” I say, suddenly feeling stubborn. “He asked me to.”
“Ivy was nice enough to see us looking around and asked us if we needed help,” Jennifer says hastily, glancing back and forth between the two of us. “She was telling us she used to be your neighbor.”
“Yeah. Used to.” Knox’s voice is cold, dismissive. He turns away from me, a look of disgust on his face. “Let’s go,” he says to his friends. “You got any preferences for food?”
Jennifer lets out a nervous little laugh. “Just someplace that won’t have a problem with a fussy baby.” Instinctively, she bounces up and down a little bit, and Ethan coos with delight.
“Let’s just head downtown and go from there,” Chris suggests. He looks up at me. “You’re welcome to join us,” he says.
Knox glances at me sharply. “No, no, that’s fine,” I stammer. “You guys have catching up to do.” Across from me, I can almost feel Knox’s relief. “Besides, I have to be getting home.” To my lonely apartment, with its thin walls and slightly musty carpet. And a dinner of leftover spaghetti.
“Well, it was nice mee
ting you,” Jennifer says warmly. “Say bye-bye Ethan!”
I do a tiny wave for the baby, who gives me a wide, gummy smile. Then I tug lightly on Zeus’s leash and lead him back upstairs, where I let us both in and then immediately run to the front window to watch Knox and his friends pile into their cars and drive away.
Sinking into a chair next to the window, stinging tears spring to my eyes, and I try as hard as I can not to let them fall. Knox hates me, I think miserably. He hates me.
The tears spill anyway. I thought by now, I’d be over Knox. I thought that moving away, putting some distance between us, would be all it would take for me to forget about him.
Instead, I’ve done almost nothing this month except think about him. I can’t get any work done, and I’m dreading my first meeting of the school year with Dr. Pataky to talk about my thesis topic.
Seeing him now, I realize that the distance hasn’t done anything to make this easier. If anything, I feel even worse.
The tears still falling, I haul myself up from the chair and wander out to the back balcony. My mind turns to Knox’s friend Chris, and his beautiful family. They look so happy. Chris’s wife Jennifer clearly adores him. And their son is so beautiful. See! I want to shout at Knox. They can be happy, without football. Chris is happy without football!
But then, a small voice whispers back at me.
They can be happy, even though Chris got hurt.
I don’t know where it comes from, but the shock of it hits me out of the blue.
They’re happy. Chris and Jennifer are happy. They love each other. And that’s all that matters.
That night, in my tiny apartment, I sit in the dark and watch videos of Knox playing football. I’m struck, just as I was the first time I watched them, by the poetry in the way he moves. How he’s made to play football. I don’t know much about the sport, but I do know what I’m looking at on the screen is special. It’s almost like magic, the way he snatches the ball out of the sky and flies down the field.
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