Destiny

by Cindy Springsteen

  I went straight to my room when I got back and would not speak to my parents at all. I would not even let them justify their reasoning for attending what was clearly the end of my life. I finally called the girls, who showed up a short time later with a box of tissues. They truly must be so tired of my crying by now. Lots of tears later and after their initial shock at hearing what had happened wore off, we decided we needed a girls’ night. But we decided to stay in—safer. We took a trip to the store to stock up on lots of snacks and tried to avoid talking any more about what was going to happen really soon.

  They tried to come up with something that we could do the day of the wedding, so I could be as far away as possible, but I wouldn’t listen. I didn’t want to go out and as much as I loved them, I just wanted to be alone that day.

  ~* * * *~

  I could see the backyard from my bedroom window. I could see people starting to arrive and decorations hung around the yard. I knew that it must be over by that time. They were officially married and would be arriving at the party soon. I didn’t see my parents, but I knew they were somewhere at that house. I didn’t know why I was sitting there torturing myself. I could have, should have, gone out with my friends that day and stayed away from the scene unfolding before me. I could grab my keys, jump in my car, and be far away from there in seconds, but I didn’t leave. I was mesmerized. I prayed for my phone to ring and for him to tell me that he couldn’t do it. For him to tell me that he didn’t love her, that he only loved me. Everyone would be angry at him that he skipped out on her, and we would have to run away.

  I didn’t want to accept that this was really the end. I believed with all my heart that he really loved me and I knew that I loved him so much more than anyone realized. But, he didn’t call or show up at my door and surprise me. The party went on; I could hear the laughter and music playing. I picked up one of my saddest 45s I had, placed it on the stereo, continued to stare out my window, and cried as my world continued to cave in around me.

  Love rolls in like the tide

  And as it rolls back out to sea

  It takes away the broken shells

  Like the part you took from me

  Again and again

  The surf smashes upon the shore

  Yet, as always

  I kept coming back for more

  As I reach out to hold you

  Only sand sifts through my fingers

  I try my best to forget you

  Yet still the feelings linger

  Waves pound against the beach

  Like my heart pounds within my chest

  That is how I knew you were someone

  Who rose above all the rest

  I felt as if my life was over. I didn’t know how I was going to get over it. My heart ached for him. I wanted to hold him in my arms again. I wanted to hear his voice. I missed everything. I just wanted him back. I was finding it hard to work and even though my friends kept trying to get me to go out, I didn’t want to. I felt as if part of me died and I didn’t know how to move on. I didn’t know if I even wanted to. I moved through my days and nights in a complete fog.

  I avoided places where I might run into him. It worked for a while until fate decided to step in and knock me right back down. It was October 2nd and it was the first time I was face to face with him since that fateful day we said goodbye. It was so hard to see him. He looked like he was happy, but I also believed that he felt the same as me somehow. He told me that the baby was due the following month. I was still finding that a hard one to accept. He looked so different. He had a beard and mustache. He told me that he would call me soon, and I felt in my heart that somehow, someway, someday, I would have him back in my life.

  My short conversation with Danny that shouldn’t have given me any hope for a future did just that. Even though I knew he was married and about to have a baby, I would not believe that it was the end forever,—it just couldn’t be.

  I started to live again. I finally agreed to go out with friends and for the first time in a very long time, I found myself smiling.

  Weeks later, Danny called and he told me that she had the baby and it was a girl. I couldn’t believe he was now a dad. I felt as if someone has just grabbed my heart and was squeezing it really tight.

  I barely listened to what he was saying, until his next words shocked me out of my daze: “I really miss you. It’s so hard not seeing you and talking to you,” he said.

  “I really miss you too! You have no idea what it has been like for me. I think about you all the time. It is so hard to believe that you are married and have a baby.” My thoughts were screaming that this was just not fair. That should be me with him!

  “You are probably going to say no, but…I am going to say I am going Christmas shopping tonight. I…would really like you to find a way to see me. We haven’t been able to really talk in a long time,” he said softly.

  He wanted to see me? He missed me? Those were magical words to my broken heart. I knew it was wrong. I knew there was no way I should agree to see him. Yet—I found myself pondering the notion and just wanting one more day with him. “You really think this is a good idea? How? You can’t just come pick me up. My parents will freak out!” I couldn’t believe I was even thinking about doing it.

  Since Crystal had her own apartment, I asked her if I could meet him at her place. It was the only place that would be safe. I hated to ask her, but it was the only place we could meet unnoticed. After a long conversation explaining the importance of this, she agreed. I could only imagine what was going through her mind, though. As one of my best friends, she also understood it was something I felt I must do.

  I arrived early at her apartment and sat trying to be patient, waiting for him to arrive. My heart was racing. I couldn’t wait to see him.

  He finally arrived after what seemed like a lifetime of sitting and waiting. I just couldn’t believe my eyes! He was here with me. There was awkward silence between us at first, so we began to make small talk.

  Crystal decided to go out and get us all ice cream. I think she was just trying to give us some time alone.

  I glanced over at Danny and felt an instant tug at my heart. There were no words for the emotions that stirred every time I saw his face or heard his voice. Our eyes locked and words weren’t even necessary to speak.

  I told him all about my new job as an oral surgery assistant/receptionist. My new boss was great and seemed to love the work I was doing. I told him that on Wednesdays I worked in the office alone. I just had to sit and answer the phones. If any major emergencies came up, I had to call the doctor and he would come in.

  Time went too fast and before I knew it, he said he needed to leave. Even though stores were open late for Christmas shopping, he didn’t want her to get suspicious. It was so nice being able to sit near him and just talk. There was so much more to tell him and so much, I wanted to know. I didn’t want to say goodbye and I sensed he didn’t either, yet that’s what we had to do. I walked him to the door and the awkward silence was back.

  He pulled me into his arms and hugged me tight.

  I didn’t want him to let go.

  When he pulled away, our eyes met. “I love you,” he softly said, as he gave me a kiss.

  “I love you, too.” I hated that! We shouldn’t have had to say goodbye. I was the one he should have been going home to, not her. I didn’t tell him what I was thinking. There was no point.

  “I will call you when I can.” With that, he was gone.

  An emptiness filled me. I was left alone to deal with all the emotions running through my mind once again. It was my own fault, but I just loved him so much. As wrong as it was, I did not enjoy life when he wasn’t in it.

  I was so depressed after seeing Danny. I prayed each day for the phone to ring and to hear that he had arranged for us to see each other again. I put on a good show, going about my days as normally as I could. Nights, I laid awake crying for the love that I missed so terribly. I felt as though I was in
a fog so thick, I couldn’t see anything around me. Days blended together and nights left my heart yearning for what I couldn’t have.

  I began to believe that our one night together was just that, one night and there might not be another. I managed to get through the holidays, but every song I heard and everywhere I went reminded me of our last Christmas. We were together dreaming and planning for a future. We were so happy and time seemed to be magical. I believed that by now, a ring would have been placed on my finger and we would begin plans for a wedding. I wondered if he was thinking of me and missing what we had together. Did he miss me like I missed him?

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  1985 – Age 22

  I knew my life had to go on. I also knew that it wasn’t going to be easy, but I could no longer continue to sit around and wait for calls that wouldn’t come. I picked up my shattered self and began to live.

  Leslie, Liz, and Crystal were so happy to hear that I had finally come to my senses.

  The girls and I went to a club the first chance we could and as luck would have it, I ran into Kyle and his friends. He was on his way out but told me that he was bartending at a place called Gadgets. He asked me to stop there the following night to see him while he was working. It’d been a long time since I’d seen him. I wondered if there still might be a chance for us. I quickly told the girls, who were thrilled and agreed to go with me.

  I took extra care getting ready the next night, as I didn’t know what to expect, and I wanted to look really good. I wanted Kyle to want me back. It was too cold to wear a mini-skirt, so I settled for my new Jordache jeans from Christmas and a nice shirt.

  Crystal offered to drive. We had come up with a plan to take turns driving. When she drove, I could drink and vice versa. That way we didn’t ever drive drunk. We found the place without any problems and quickly fell in love. There was a large dance floor and lots of nice looking guys. We made our way to the bar.

  When Kyle noticed me, a huge smile filled his face. He told me that he was happy that I showed up and hoped I could hang out late, so maybe we could talk later. My friends ordered their drinks and then quickly left, so I could talk to Kyle alone. We caught up on boring chat about what we’d been doing.

  He was surprised to hear that I had graduated dental assistant school and told me that he was happy for me. He didn’t ask if I was seeing anyone, but I was hoping he’d asked me here to get back together. It was so busy that it was really hard to talk while he was working and the loud music was blasting.

  I told him I would stay late, so we could talk later. He handed me a Long Island Iced Tea and a melon ball shot. I put money on the bar but he didn’t take it.

  I told him I would be back in a while and went to find where my friends had disappeared to. I scanned the dance floor and saw Leslie dancing with a really nice looking guy. I found Crystal and Liz sitting at a table.

  The minute I sat down, they started asking me questions about Kyle and if we were going to get back together. I knew they just wanted to see me back to my old self and over Danny finally. I told them it was too hard to talk while he was working and that I was going to talk to him later when it died down a bit. Hopefully, if all went well, he would drive me home.

  It was so much fun dancing. It’d been so long. I found myself smiling and laughing for the first time in a really long time. A nice looking guy asked me to dance, which I happily accepted, and I danced with him until my feet began to hurt. I didn’t exchange numbers or anything with the guy but he told me he would look for me later. I was dying of thirst, so I made my way back to the bar where Kyle was. I didn’t have to wait long before he noticed me standing there.

  “Can you do me a favor? Can you please not pick up guys in front of me?” he asked.

  It only took a second to register that he was jealous and didn’t like seeing me with someone else. That was a really good sign. “I was only dancing,” I laughingly told him. “I didn’t even exchange numbers with the guy.”

  “Well…I don’t like seeing you with someone else, okay?” he stated.

  “Okay,” I answered hesitantly. I was beyond shocked to find out he still cared.

  When I got back to the table and told the girls, they all said the same thing—that he still loved me and they thought we would get back together. I would know better later what the story was. I just danced the rest of the night away until my feet were on fire and I couldn’t any more. It was decided that I would get a ride from Kyle and the girls left not long before the place was closing.

  We sat in the car for a long time, talking. It was nice to catch up on what we’d both been doing. He couldn’t believe what happened with Danny, although he was probably happy that there wouldn’t be an issue about me getting back with him. He seemed to genuinely feel bad for me and the pain I went through. We decided that we weren’t going to rush things. He was just getting over a recent break up and wanted to stay single for a while, so we agreed that we would just take things slow. I didn’t want to hurt him. I knew that as much fun as the night had been, and how happy I was to have made him jealous, deep down my heart was still missing Danny.

  Kyle said when he had a weekend night off, he would take me out to dinner and we could talk more then. In the meantime, he told me to come visit him at work whenever I could.

  ~* * * *~

  When the phone rang on January 30th at work, I was fully expecting a patient when I heard his voice, that familiar voice that turned all my common senses to mush.

  “Hey, it’s me. I am outside in the parking lot, is anybody there? Can I come in?” he asked.

  “No one is here,” I replied, as my mind began to reel in a million different directions. Since I was alone, I didn’t have to wear a uniform, so I quickly glanced at my choice of clothing. Not that I could do anything about it at that point since he was already there.

  “Meet me at the door,” he said.

  I rushed to the door and opened it.

  There he was, looking as good as ever.

  All it took was seeing him or hearing his voice to instantly remind me just how very much I missed him.

  “How are you doing?” he asked. “It is risky for me to stay here too long, but I just had to stop by when I saw your car in the parking lot. I remember you saying Wednesdays you worked alone. I was hoping we could make plans to get together again soon.”

  “I’m doing all right. How are things going for you?” I truly didn’t know what to say.

  “Things are okay, I guess. I’m working a lot.” He hesitated and then asked, “Are you going out with anyone now?

  “Not really, I saw Kyle recently, but we’re taking it slow.” Why was he asking me that? Could he possibly be thinking of leaving her and coming back to me?

  “So…do you think maybe we could meet at Crystal’s again one night?” he asked me. “I’m going to be working nights soon, so I can say that I’m working.”

  I so wanted to see him and wanted nothing more than to feel his arms wrapped around me one more time. “I don’t think that will be a problem. Just let me know when, so I can ask Crystal and make the arrangements.”

  “I hate to run but I don’t want to get caught here. I wish I could stay…I love you!” he said as he turned towards me, gave me a quick kiss on the lips, and left.

  I didn’t feel guilty, although I knew that I probably should. It still seemed so unreal to me. I didn’t think I would ever get used to the fact that he was married, had a baby now, and wasn’t mine. I didn’t cry. If our little meetings were all I could have, I would accept that. It was better than never getting to see him again or never talking to him. I didn’t tell anyone that he came by and I would wait until I knew when he could get away to ask Crystal if we could meet at her apartment again. I knew my friends would tell me I was crazy and that I should just stay with Kyle, who was free.

  ~* * * *~

  The girls and I went back to Gadgets, so I could see Kyle. It was close to my birthday, so he decided he was going to get me
drunk. Drinking seemed like a good idea, helped me to forget about Danny, Kyle, and everyone else for the moment. Dancing drunk did not work too well when it started to make me dizzy. We decided to leave earlier than we did on most of our weekend nights out. I wasn’t waiting until he got off that night. I tried to walk over to the bar to tell him I was leaving, but instead stumbled and almost fell.

  Crystal was hysterical, laughing at me. I could barely walk by then. Liz drove that night, so Crystal was able to drink too. I thought we were both driving Liz crazy being drunk when she was sober. Leslie stayed home that night since she wasn’t feeling well.

  Kyle came out from behind the bar and kissed me goodbye. He told me to be careful, to call him the next day, and if I heard him correctly, I thought he said he wanted to go out again. I would have to figure out what on earth he said when I called.

  When we pulled up in front of my house, everything was spinning. I opened the car door, but didn’t move yet.

  I heard Liz saying, “We are at your house. You can get out of the car now.”

  Did I sense attitude? I stood up finally.

  Crystal was cracking up and laughing again as she tried to get from the back seat to the front…it wasn’t as easy a task as it should have been.

  I began to laugh too, as I finally made my way toward my front door, when BOOM. Yes, that was me. Seems there was ice on the ground from the previous day’s little snow, which I didn’t see and it caused me to fall. I sat on the ground, laughing hysterically. I could hear Liz and Crystal both cracking up too. I managed to get up. I thought I was hurt, but knew I would find out the next day when the world stopped spinning. I made my way up to my bed and passed out.