Don't Be Dead- Heartache After The Outbreak

by Paul Wilcock

  I'm a child, I'm at the fun fair with my parents, I'm riding the roller-coaster with my mum and we're screaming as we go over the crest of the hills, arms raised up as we fly down the track, waving at my dad as he takes photos that will come out blurry and be covered in stickers with helpful tips on taking good photographs supplied by the developers as per usual. Now I'm on the ghost train, nestled between my parents in the car as it creaks through dark tunnels, loud sirens wail as we pass through strips of wet plastic; a zombie pops out from the shadows and bites my dad, we scream but the ride continues, another pops out and bites my mum, they are both laughing though, it’s just part of the ride. We go to the stalls where you can win prizes, I play a game with an air rifle, you have to shoot targets, the targets are the dismembered heads of my ex-girlfriends, bull’s-eyes painted on their foreheads, they shout out abuse as I shoot them, I nail them all and win a large stuffed magpie. We buy ice-creams and sit on a bench, my dad sets up the camera on a timer and runs in next to me for the photo, my parents lean in kissing my cheeks from both sides as I take a big lick of my ice-cream, the flash on the camera pops, capturing the moment as my parents, now zombies, tear chunks of flesh from my face, my mouth frozen in a scream.

  I wake up, it’s still night, I don't want to go back to sleep so I clamber out of the bathtub and pull back the various parts of the barricade, cautiously looking out through the gap in the doorway before fully opening it and heading into Emma's room. I search through her drawers, find a stack of old photos, the one taken at the Millennium Ball at University grabs my attention, it’s an awful photo, I refused to pay the man that took it, Emma obviously went back and bought it anyway. I never got chance to see it, it's poorly framed and slightly out of focus but there's a look on Emma's face as she looks in my eyes that makes my heart ache and I regret every bad thing I ever did to her all at once and I tell her I'm sorry, and I mean it. I flip through the rest but I'm not on any of them so they aren't as interesting, I keep the one from the ball and keep searching through the room. In the bottom of the chest of drawers is a pile of small books, I pull one out, it's Emma's diary from 2003, I pick up a few others, 1996, 2007, there seems to be one for each year since Emma was 12. I sort through the pile, putting them in order and open up 1999, I start at the back, New Year’s Eve.

  It's the ball tonight, I can't wait, Dan will be in his tux, I can't wait to see how sexy he looks, I hope he likes my dress, I know he prefers slutty but tonight I want to be classy, I want to feel like Cinderella, just as long as it doesn't all go wrong at midnight. Mike is being a dick again, slagging off Dan, I don't want to hear it, he doesn't know Dan like I do, I see through all his cocky bullshit and flirting and see the real Dan and he's not as confident and he's definitely not a player like Mike says.

  I consider drawing up another list, one of people I need to track down and punch in the face, Mike would be top of that list. I skip ahead to the end of the night.

  Mike was right, Dan is such a bastard, I hate him so much right now, the biggest night of our lives, the start of a new millennium and my “loving” boyfriend is kissing some ugly skank at midnight aaaaaarrrrggghhh, I hope he catches some horrible disease when he fucks her tonight, god I want to die, I've never felt pain like this before, I wish I could rip out my heart, no I wish I could rip out Dan's heart and shove it up his ass

  Jesus, does she think I fucked that girl? I feel a whole new sense of guilt and regret and I wish, god how I wish, that I could take it all back, rewind time, not do something so fucking stupid but who am I kidding, even if I didn't kiss that girl I was still seeing Sarah behind her back. I flick through some other dates, see if I can find any signs that Emma may have had suspicions about me and Sarah, as far as I can tell I'm in the clear though so I skip ahead to after our break up, looks like she was pissed off at me for a while, Jesus she's still slagging me off two months later, wait a second, for fucks sake! Valentine’s Day…

  Valentine’s Day today, I wasn't expecting anything nice from today, I still feel like I have heart cancer, I got a lame card with a shit poem inside from Dan, who's he kidding, you'd think he'd get the message when I don't return his calls and can't stand to be in the same room as him. I did get a nice surprise from Mike though, he took me out for dinner at a restaurant in town, it was sweet, we actually have quite a lot in common, I hadn't looked at him that way before now, the first sex I've had since Dan too, it was nice to have sex with someone that wasn't so angry and wanted every time to be like a fucking porno movie, Mike was gentle and sensual and it was nice and I think I might want to do it again.

  That Fucking Mike! Oh he's definitely number one on my face punching list, I can't believe I pushed Emma into his waiting arms, he's such a dick. Fuck.

  Emma was right about the card I sent though, it was something I did because I thought it was expected rather than because it actually meant anything. I didn't really miss Emma, I just didn't like being thought of as a dick by everybody that had heard about why we broke up, I needed us to get back together so that we could split up in a less dramatic way later. Here's another interesting page though...

  Sarah was defending Dan again today, she claims he didn't fuck the skank and that he's really cut up about it and only kissed her because she forced herself on him and he was extremely drunk, like being drunk was ever a good excuse, still, Sarah does seem to think he's genuinely sorry and upset. Am I being too harsh? He did break my heart, in public, in the most horrible way I could imagine, urgh, I hate him for making me feel like this.

  I'm pleased to see a few days later that Mike is history, I hate that guy

  Mike is such a dick, he hides it well but I caught him fucking some girl from his course in my fucking bed, he didn't even apologise, just paused mid fuck and shrugged his shoulders at me with a smirk, then I saw my vibrator laying on the bed by the side of them, I mean what kind of bastard fucks another girl on his girlfriend’s bed with his girlfriend’s vibrator, I saw red, snatched it up off the bed, smacked him round the head with it and rammed it down his throat until he was choking and puking all over the slut underneath him.

  Nice one Emma! I pull out the latest diary, the 2005 one, the one that leads up to Emma's death, find an entry about me, five years after we last spoke, I'm shocked.

  I found some old photos today, from when I was at uni, the one from the millennium ball was in there, me and Dan, I hadn't thought about him for years, I expected to hate him but I actually found that I miss him, god I wish things had gone differently that night, I wish I'd left early when Dan suggested it, I know he just wanted sex and we'd have missed the countdown but I think that might be the last time I was actually happy, I don't mean that I haven't been happy at all since then but I used to be generally happy with the odd moment of sadness and for the last five years I've been miserable with the odd moment of happiness, I'm sure we wouldn't have lasted until now or anything but that night was the start, that was the moment when my life fell apart and every man since has ripped and torn it apart just a little bit more and I'm so lonely and miserable and empty and I wish I could feel like I felt in that photo when we arrived at the ball, excited and happy and sexy and desirable.

  Shit, that wasn't fair, can I really be held accountable for everything that happened to Emma after that night, I just expected that she'd move on, find someone else and forget about me, we were only together for a few months, I don't want her to have spent the last five years of her life miserable because of me. I feel like shit, is reading someone else’s diary ever a good idea? I find the entry from the start of the outbreak...

  I don't know what’s going on, the French couple that were staying in room 3 went crazy this morning, everybody was coming down for breakfast, the man in room 2 was reading the paper in the lounge when the French couple burst in and started biting him, he fought them off and backed into the kitchen where we were preparing the food and all hell broke loose, dad tried to warn them away with the knife but they kept coming, he told me to run, I t
hink he killed them, he hasn't talked much since, we don't know what’s happening, some of the guests left without paying, some people broke in and started trying to attack them. Me, mum, dad and two of the other guests, Mr and Mrs Dennis, have barricaded ourselves in the bedroom, the radio and TV won't work, all we could hear for hours was screaming but it’s been silent for a while now, I think we're all sleeping in here tonight though.

  We went outside today, there were bodies everywhere, we can't get through to anybody on the telephone, we tried to walk somewhere to get help, we weren't sure where we should go but we wanted to find someone that could take charge and tell us everything would be ok, we didn't get far though, people started coming out of the houses, I guess they heard us talking, at first we laughed when we saw them, relieved to see other people, but when we saw their faces we all slowly headed back to the house, we didn't have to say anything, everybody seemed to just know, it wasn't safe, it looks like we're all sleeping on the floor in mum and dads room again tonight.

  I skip to the last entry, made just over a month ago.

  I got bit today, I was out looking for food, we hadn't eaten for days, I found a good haul in a warehouse by the harbour, a large fridge that had been padlocked, it didn't look like a fridge from the outside which is probably why it hadn't been looted already, I couldn't believe my luck when I opened the door, I laughed. That’s what got me bit, a laugh, it drew out 3 of them, they were on me before I noticed them and one of them bit my arm. I killed them, but I know that they've killed me too, I already feel different, I haven't told the others, I know I should but they were all so happy to see the food, I'll tell them tomorrow.

  I guess she didn't get chance to tell anyone and turned in the night. I try not to picture her laying on the floor, multiple stab wounds, face contorted and sunken. I pull out the photo from the Ball and stare at her and start to cry, I'm not sure exactly what I'm crying for, for the fact that she's dead, for the way she died, for the way I treated her, for the way I treated everyone, for Kelly, for Gemma, for Natalie, for myself and my own sorry situation, for the whole planet?

  I spend the rest of the day reading the diaries, I find that Emma forgave me for kissing the girl on New Year’s Eve and thought about getting in touch with me again. If I'd gotten here a couple of months earlier I could have actually put a tick in the “not a dick” column. I guess I still could, but even though she doesn't know about half the stuff I did and forgave me for what she did know about, I know that I was a dick and deserve the tick in the “dick” column. That makes it 3-1 to the haters; I realise at this point that I don't actually have enough serious ex's to win this now, even if the rest of them think I'm awesome I'll still only get a tie at best. I've come this far though so I may as well finish the list.

  I also find that Emma kept in touch with Sarah and, at the time that the outbreak started, Sarah was in London about to start filming a movie in which she had her first starring role; this was good news, not only is it a good sign that Emma never found out about me and Sarah but it also gave me my next destination.

  I pack the food that Emma found into a bag and take a few of her diaries and her necklace and the photo of us together and leave the house to walk back to the Lotus, which is hopefully still parked at the other end of the promenade. It’s a slow trudge, I feel really low today, like everything is against me, part of me wishes I hadn't survived the outbreak, being dead, or even being infected seems like a much better life/death/undeath/whatever.

  I pass by the fair, the infected trapped in the big wheel look like they are waving at me as I pass, I don't wave back. I see a ship out in the distance on the sea, I stand and watch it for a while, it's definitely moving, probably full of survivors, too far away for me to even try and signal though. Would I want to live on a ship for the rest of my life though? Probably not, I don't like seafood.

  I see movement from one side, out to sea but not as far as the ship, a moving mass, it takes a while to realise it’s a flock of seagulls, making its way inland, I head on towards the Lotus, looking back over my shoulder every few steps, my pace faster now; I'm so busy looking back towards the birds that I practically run into an infected man as he shuffles out of the arcade towards me. I send him sprawling to the ground but also lose my own feet, and find myself kneeling in his entrails, a gaping stomach wound previously hidden by the flaps of his shirt. I end him easily but am covered in gore, legs and feet soaked, torso and face sprayed with blood and brain. Before I can stand I notice a seagull land nearby, cocking its head to the side as though considering its options, it walks forward, soon joined by two more as others circle overhead. I slowly stand and edge away, the gulls are at the corpse of the infected man now, pulling at his innards as more swoop down to join the feast, crying loudly, the sound almost deafening as more and more join in. I feel a sharp tug at my hair and flinch away, another gull swoops past my head, narrowly missing me, I swing my arm to shoo it away, a reflex action, I glance up and see danger circling overhead, another comes flying down at me and I don't just swing my arm this time, I swing my hammer and connect but don't manage to kill. I turn in the direction of the Lotus, how far away is it? I can't see it yet, I start to run but I smell like food and the birds follow, I feel more tugs at my hair and clothing and my ear and can feel blood running down my head but I can't stand and fight them, I wouldn't stand a chance. I keep running, I can see the Lotus now, it's where I left it, shining in the sunlight, waves crashing on the beach beyond like a photo from a brochure. A gull lands on my shoulder, sharp beak in my cheek, I fall forwards, palms and knees scraping on the pavement, more birds on my back. I roll over, the birds lift from my back and just as fast land back on me as I turn; I push myself up and through the closest door into another arcade, birds clatter against the glass behind me as I stamp and kick at the few that followed me inside. A storm of seagulls swirls outside, raging against the doors until the glass is cracked and streaked with blood. I turn away from the doors, looking for another way out. I go past the arcade games, Time Crisis, Sega Rally, House of the Dead, an infected teen steps out from behind the slot machines, in the fenced off 18+ area, he's stuck behind the barriers for now, arms reaching towards me even though he's a good four metres away; a younger, teen girl, stands and steps out from behind the crane grabbers and as I look around the room, more and more infected start to rise up, disturbed from their rest by the screaming gulls banging against the glass.