Pieces of Paisley

by Leigh Ann Lunsford

  I lift her up and carry her into my truck. I want to give her privacy to get herself together and they created quite an audience during their show down. She isn’t really speaking, and her wails are sending shooting pains through my chest and I feel as if I may rip in half hearing her anguish.

  “Beautiful, calm down. I am sorry for all of it. My part in it, her part in it, but mostly I am sorry you are hurt. Come here.” I pull her tighter to me and try my best to calm her. After minutes pass she seems to gain her composure.

  “How can she say that to me and expect me to be okay? I don’t know what to do, Jake. She is my best friend, and she is in pain, but causing me pain out of spite isn’t fair. I am so mad and then I feel so guilty for being mad when she is hurting.”

  “You have to let her work it out. She has to come to terms with whatever is bothering her, and you can’t fix it. You have to let her go, Pais. I know you don’t want to but right now you aren’t good for each other. You can’t give her what she needs, and she can’t give you what you deserve. It sucks, and I hate it happened tonight of all nights, but you have to believe you will eventually work it out. Just not right now.” She doesn’t want to acknowledge I am right, but she knows I am.

  I pull her back to me and just hold her. I want us just to be right now, right in this moment, I want to show her I can be what she needs. She is more than I deserve, and all I want. “I have your birthday present, want to open it?” She gently nods against my chest, and I shift her so she has to look at me. “I love you, Paisley.”

  “I love you, Jake.” I hand her the box. I didn’t wrap it, didn’t get a card, but I got her a gift that shows her what she means to me. She opens it and pulls out the solid gold heart on a slim chain. I see her eyes sparkle, and she smiles. “Thank you.”

  “This is what you represent to me. My heart, and it is solid because your love fills mine. You are my heart, Paisley, and I want you to wear it always and know I am here with you.” She reaches up and holds my cheek, and ever so slowly leans towards me and takes my mouth in a kiss. In this kiss it feels more, it feels like a promise, a vow, an eternity, she is promising me.

  “Can we stay out here for a little while?” She asks me, and I just settle her back and pull her as close as I can get her. She leans up and turns on the radio. Lee Brice is singing ‘Hard to Love,’ and I swear this song is about me, begging her to love me regardless of all the shit I give her.

  “Pais, you know when I deploy it will only be three weeks, but I won’t be able to talk to you every day. There will be no reason to write because the letters won’t get there in time, but I just want you know I will be thinking of you. I want you to remember everything during that time, write it down, so you can tell me about it when I get back. I just don’t want to miss any part of your life.” I don’t know why it is so important to me, I just want her to hold on to us, look forward to sharing her moments with me, maybe then I know she won’t forget about me or decide this is too hard for her.

  “I promise. My days will be busy, but I am afraid of the nights. I haven’t gone to sleep in almost four months without your lips giving me a goodnight kiss, or your voice being the last thing I hear. It terrifies me, Jake.”

  “What scares you the most?”

  “You deciding this is too hard. You know the saying a girl in every port.”

  “Paisley, have you been researching military terms?”

  “Sort-of. We haven’t had sex, and I don’t want you to get away from me and see there is so much more you can have.”

  “What if I tell you that you are all I want? I mean it. You. Are. It. For. Me. Which brings up another topic . . . I will be gone for Thanksgiving, and I know your parents won’t let you leave for Christmas, but I want to go home. I miss my mom, but at the same time I don’t want to miss our first Christmas. Tell me it’s okay . . . please tell me you understand.”

  She turns so that we are eye level. “Of course, I understand. It sucks, I am not going to sugar coat that, but you sacrifice so much for me, spend all your time with me, planned this night for me. Your happiness matters, and honestly I never really thought about you not going home. I have us in our little bubble, our own little world, sometimes I forget there is outside interference.” That is what I am afraid of; our bubble can burst and she might float away from me. I want more than anything for her to come home with me for Christmas, but I know that is not happening. Her parents give us a lot of concessions, but this one would not fly.

  I need to talk to my mom about Paisley. She knows there is a girl, but she doesn’t know the extent of it. I know she will love Paisley, but I don’t know if she will get a fair chance because my mom is still pretty hung up on Lisa and me getting back together. After the lies and manipulations of that girl, not to mention the obsessive cheating with my friend, I don’t know why my mom is still harping on it. She told me we would talk about it when I got home, but I have more important things to talk about with her. I just hope I can get her to see how important Paisley is to me, what she means to me, and in turn give her the chance she deserves.

  Chapter 9

  Paisley

  Love is when he gives you a piece of your soul, that you never knew was missing.

  Torquato Tasso

  The transition from having our own space and privacy at the beach house to him being back on the ship full time has not been a smooth one. He comes over at least three times a week, but it isn’t enough. I have taken to skipping school a lot when he lets me know he is off work early. It isn’t like we know ahead of time, but getting ready to deploy they are a lot more lax on the schedule. When you are going to be out to sea for three weeks at a time you will have lots of time to get done what needs to get done. If my mom finds out about my attendance I am sure seeing Jake will be cut way back, but lucky for me I have an ace up my sleeve. She mistakenly made my brother in law, Dean, an emergency contact on my school forms. Dean is a big kid at heart, and we are super close. He provided me alcohol for Spring Break, taught me to drive, and basically lets me get away with murder. So, Jake texts and lets me know he is off, I fake sick, call my brother in law, tell the school office I can’t reach my mom, and get out of jail free . . . until my report card with attendance records appear. But I am just taking this one step at a time.

  The ship was scheduled to pull out November 2nd but now it has been moved up to October 28th . . . roughly eleven days away. Today is Columbus Day, and Jake is off all day, his buddy who has duty and won’t be home all day happens to have an apartment that is empty and gave it to Jake for the day. A full day when it is just us, in our bubble, is exactly what we need. I leave the house like I am going to school and arrive at the apartment and am greeted with my sex on a stick man in no shirt, loose fitting basketball shorts and freshly cut hair. It should be illegal to look this good, and I launch myself in his arms. It has been a while since we have been able to have freedom with our touching; we always have prying eyes around us, monitoring our every move.

  My mom has been more suspicious of our relationship of late, and that may have something to do with me asking her to put me on the pill the day after my birthday. She always told us to talk to her, so I did, and now she is having a mini-stroke. I know it is because I am the youngest, the last one, and let’s be honest . . . my sisters didn’t hold on to their ‘V’ cards until they were seventeen. That shit was popped at age fifteen, and I am being generous with that age. I went on the shot instead of the pill. I haven’t planned when our first time is going to be, but I haven’t thought of much else. He is always so gentle about stopping, but generous about the orgasms he gives me with his fingers, or letting me dry-hump him. He always acts like it is no big deal when we stop messing around and doesn’t whine or pressure me to go further.

  I have missed him so much, and he is still stateside. I don’t even want to think about how I am going to cope. Not necessarily for the three weeks, but in May he leaves for six months. I know that is seven months away, but thinking of al
l the time and experiences he will miss is daunting. He will miss my eighteenth birthday, my graduation, luckily we get to celebrate his twenty-first birthday before he deploys, but I just can’t imagine six hours without talking to him, let alone six months. I will have Kara, and that helps me some. She left to go to Tampa to stay at Rick’s grandmother’s for the duration of their deployment, and Jake and Rick are talking about getting an apartment when they get back, and Kara and I are throwing around the idea of me moving in while they deploy for six months. As much as I love our privacy, and I love Kara, Rick is a creep. He treats Kara like crap, and if she doesn’t lay him out soon, I won’t be responsible for my actions. He keeps his physical actions to a minimum in front of people, he will grab her arm or kick her leg, but I know behind closed doors he is an animal. Jake always tells me to stay out of it, and I wonder how he can be okay with it. He assures me he isn’t, and unless he sees it himself he won’t get involved on assumptions. True to her word, Krista moved in with her dad, and I haven’t heard a word from her. She doesn’t return my calls, texts, nothing. Radio silence is all I get.

  She hurt me, but she also hurt my family. They took her in with open arms, sheltered her. My mom is trying to be an adult about it and tells me things aren’t always cut and dry, but in this case it is. You either respond to my attempts or you don’t. I feel guilty because part of me is relieved I don’t have the tension of her and Jake, but I don’t have time to dwell on it, I am busting my ass at school, which isn’t easy with all the assignments and lessons I am missing, but I vow while he is gone I will be a diligent student. Right now, he is my focus. Our relationship and the survival of it are my priority.

  He pulls me inside and we flop on the couch together. His strong arms wrap around me. “You hungry?” he nuzzles into my neck.

  “Nope. Are you?”

  “I’m tired. I got up early to get here before you, wanna nap?”

  I don’t respond verbally, but I snuggle deeper into the couch cushions, cocooned by him and we both doze off. When I awake I realize how much I have missed this time of just us. I am more refreshed than I am after seven hours of sleep. I stretch my neck trying to find a clock, and when I can’t find one I reach for my cell phone in my purse. I must have woken Jake up because he pulls me back to him and tells me, “I could get used to waking up with you.”

  I kiss his neck and murmur in agreement. He bends down and takes my mouth in a breath-stealing kiss, leaving no crevice unmarked by him. It is lustful, passionate, and claiming all in one. I respond to him almost immediately and all too soon he pulls back. I try to catch my breath and not pout about being stopped when things were getting good. I go to push up and ask if he is hungry when he grabs my hand and tells me to stop.

  I look down at the placement of my hands and they are resting right below his hipbones. Oh, is my man ticklish? Just for shits and giggles, I gently squeeze, just a slight bit of pressure. He immediately grabs my wrists and sits up. I haven’t released his hipbones yet, when he whispers huskily, “Pais, you have to stop.” It dawns on me he isn’t ticklish, it is turning him on. Who knew hipbones were an erogenous zone? I flex my hands against him again, daring him to stop me. He sucks in a sharp breath but doesn’t say a word. I get bolder and move one hand over to lightly caress him through his shorts. This is the most he has allowed me to do, and when I reach my destination I squeeze with my hand again. He snaps, loses control, and I have never seen anything more beautiful.

  He crushes me to him and settles my legs on either side of his and pushes my shoulders down so I grind against his dick. My entire body is flushed, and I know I am generating so much heat I need to remove my clothes before they incinerate. He grabs me behind my head and gently guides my lips to him. He begins an erotic dance with his tongue in my mouth while grinding my hips down on him. I have had plenty of dry-humping experiences with him, but this one feels different; electric, more intoxicating, and one I want to last. He pulls back, but I still keep the friction of grinding on him. “God, Paisley. I want you.”

  “Then take me.” I don’t realize that those are the words I utter, but I have no doubts, no second-guessing. I want him, in every way.

  “Are you sure?” Always making sure I am okay with going further. God, I am not made of spun glass.

  I reach my hands in between us and squeeze him, and in one swift move he has catapulted us off the couch and is making his way down a hallway in the apartment. We reach a bedroom, and he gently places me on the bed and follows, lying down on top of me. He doesn’t rest his weight on his forearms; he gives me all of him. I am nervous, but excited. Ready, yet scared. A conflict of emotions must emit from me, because he is pulling up and away from me. I hastily grab his arms and pull him back to me. Wordlessly, I am telling him I want to give myself to him. I want him to selfishly take it. He begins to peel my clothes off layer by layer, and even though my body is trembling and covered in goose bumps, I am on fire.

  I reach up with shaky hands and run one hand down his expansive chest. That is my favorite part of his body; broad, strong, hard, yet a perfect pillow for my head. My other hand finds the back of his head and pulls him down so I can meet his lips. He is gentle yet firm, seeking and taking everything I am offering him. He begins working his fingers inside of me and I tug at his shorts, not wanting that barrier between us. I finally start to get them down, and immediately he stiffens and swears under his breath.

  “What’s wrong? Did I mess something up?” His lips part as he stares at me lovingly, when he reaches up and brushes my hair back from my forehead and places a gentle kiss there, he tells me, “No, beautiful, you did nothing wrong. It is perfect, all of it. I just need to run into the living room and get my wallet.”

  He must tell from my expression I have no idea why he needs his wallet at this moment. “Condom, Paisley.”

  I smile at him. “Not needed, Jake. I went on birth control right after my birthday. The shot, it works right away.”

  “What? Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “When I gave myself to you, and it was only going to be you, I wanted it all . . .” I let my words drift off around us.

  “I love you, Paisley.” He proceeds to show me how much he loves me. I know it is going to hurt. I have many friends I have talked to about this. Jake knows it is going to hurt, and he is hesitating. “Tell me if it is too much, and I will stop.” He will do no such thing. Slowly working the tip in, he pushes a little and it isn’t too bad, a stretching sensation. Another push, and I am changing my tune. The burning pain and ripping sensation causes tears to leak out of the side of my eyes, rolling down into my hair. He realizes I am crying and bends down and kisses my tears, my eyelids, and finally my lips. “I am so sorry, beautiful.” And with one last excruciating, searing pain he is finally inside me. I take some deep breaths, calming myself, and even though there is still a mild stinging, the pain is gone. He gently moves in and out, never going too hard or fast, as if he knew exactly what I could take. I wouldn’t say it is pleasant, but not awful, either. Between him kissing me and reminding me how much he loves me, I lose track of time and revel in this moment.

  I feel him speed up, and his breath catches right before he stiffens and empties himself inside of me. It wasn’t the best physical experience for me, but emotionally I have never been more fulfilled in my life. This is a moment I can never take back, and I am so glad that I waited and I gave it to the one person who made me change my perspective on love and relationships. He is the man who loves me, supports me, cherishes me, and above all else, he respects me. He pulls out, and I wince when I feel a burn. “I am so sorry I hurt you,” his eyes settle on me, and the gleam in them makes every ounce of pain worth it.

  “It’s fine. I am fine. I am more than fine,” I tell him with as much conviction I feel.

  “It will get better, I promise.” I have heard that, but I laugh at him.

  “Well practice does make perfect.”

  “Not for a few days, Pais.” My heart fa
lls to my stomach, he leaves in eleven days and we won’t get another moment by ourselves unless it is in a parked car somewhere. I am not ready for that scenario. “Quit worrying, we have all the time in the world to practice.”

  “In between deployments,” I tell him. I hear his deep sigh and know I have said the wrong thing.

  “Is that the reason you decided today was the day?”

  “No, Jake. I didn’t plan this, but I knew it would happen. I couldn’t imagine it being with anyone but you.”

  “Don’t doubt what you mean to me. Don’t doubt I would have waited a lifetime if you weren’t ready, but I am so fucking grateful it was sooner rather than later, because I was about to die, Paisley. It took all my restraint every time I was near you.” His words put me on cloud nine. He hid it well with his restraint, but hearing how bad he wants me gives me a little more confidence in our sustainability. I shift to the side and see the blood. Jake notices it at the same time I do, and he gets up and brings back a washcloth and gently cleans me. Once we get dressed we stay in each other’s arms lazily on the couch until it is time for me to go home.

  On the way home I am in my own little bubble. I think back to the day and how perfect it was. Nothing else will replace that. I know my outward appearance didn’t change, but somehow I feel different. I don’t have anything to compare it to, but the way he was gentle, took his time, treasured what I gave him, I knew I was a lucky girl. Puddle of Mudd ‘Blurry’ plays and for some reason the waterworks start. I don’t know if I am overwhelmed with the actions of today, the upcoming deployment, the unknown. Everything seems to be changing at one time; Krista, my relationship status, school, Kara . . . it all is too much at the moment. I know my personality is to overthink, I internalize everything until I have a solution, and I don’t have a solution to any of the thoughts in my head. Krista? She won’t have any contact with me. I would have picked up the phone seconds after losing my virginity and wouldn’t have cared if Jake were right there. Jake? I love him and while it is the best feeling in the world it is the scariest because it is unknown. I want to think we will last forever, I am betting on it, but I also know I am a silly school girl, and he will be in different countries with exotic beauties that may tempt him. School? I have never struggled like I am now, I can’t keep up with my classes, my focus is shit, and it all revolves around Jake, and I know I am letting my dreams and desires be sacrificed by my relationship. Kara? Well she is four hours away and going through what I am, so she is the only one that gets it. Jake knows I am upset about him leaving, but he doesn’t fully know the extent of my doubts. To tell him would be saying I doubt him, and he has never given me reason to. I guess I just doubt the whole concept of happily ever after. I want to believe, but life is constantly changing. You evolve and things shift every day, and I don’t want that to be us.