Pieces of Paisley

by Leigh Ann Lunsford

  “We planned for everyone to come over tonight for dinner, and that way you don’t have to go to everyone’s houses. The weather is supposed to be severe tomorrow.”

  “Who is everyone, Mom?” I want to see most of my friends. Andy is at the top of that list. He dropped Mick as a friend as soon as he found out what went down and can’t even look at Lisa. A few other guys I wouldn’t mind seeing, but after high school and the shift in our group, most of us drifted apart.

  “The usual, honey.” This is what disturbs me. The usual, that is vague, and the usual used to include Lisa and Mick. Although they aren’t together anymore, or weren’t last time my mom mentioned their relationship, you never know with them. I hope they can get their shit together because they have a kid to raise.

  “Mom,” I try to not lose my temper, but she is making it hard.

  “Oh, Jake. Cool it. She isn’t coming, and neither is he. Andy handled the invites.” She must have realized I was hanging on by a thread and put me out of my misery.

  On the way home, Brian drives and I tell my mom all about my summer, meeting and falling for Paisley, her parents, my new living arrangements, and then I bust out the most recent pictures on my phone of Paisley and me. When I hear her intake of breath, I look at her.

  “She is beautiful, Jake. She is innocent, yet a temptress. Good luck with that.” She chuckles.

  “She is beautiful inside and out, Mom. She has given up so much to make this work with us. I know the age difference is huge right now, but she is older and wiser than her real age. She is giving, yet stubborn. Sweet, yet won’t be pushed around. I have a hard time getting her to open up with me, she is always hiding pieces of herself, and I am always looking for them.”

  “You love her?”

  “More than I ever thought possible.” I see her tears and as I am about to ask her what is wrong, she shakes her head at me and goes back to looking at photos. Maybe she is grieving because she finally realizes my past is staying in my past no matter how much she loved Lisa. Lisa was in my life for three years so she was a big part of my family. Hopefully, my mother is finally letting go of her dreams for me and accepting my new course in life.

  I love walking in my front door. It is the only home I have ever known, and it is always consistent, nothing changes. My room is the basement. My mom and Brian converted it for my sixteenth birthday, and I have my own living room, bedroom, and bathroom. It afforded me privacy, a place to hang out with my friends, but allowed my mom to feel like I was always home. I have a very tight bond with my mom and have never doubted I am her number one priority. I drop my bags off and call Paisley really quickly.

  “Hey, beautiful”

  “Hi, babe. Did you have a good flight?”

  “I did. I already miss you.”

  “Hush. You are glad to be home without the ball and chain.” I can hear the delight in her voice and know she is joking with me.

  “You are so right. That shit was getting heavy dragging it around behind me.”

  “Jake Parker Grant, you better take that back.”

  I pause for a few beats, make her sweat a bit. “Paisley Abigail Hull, you better believe that is the best weight I have ever had on me.”

  “Hmmm . . . I seem to be on you quite a bit lately.”

  “Don’t talk like that, you will make me hard, and I have to go socialize with my parents and friends shortly.”

  “You better talk to Rosy Palm and her five sisters, then.” She is such a smart ass.

  “Okay, funny girl. I just wanted to hear your voice and tell you I love you. We just got back from the airport, and I need to go visit with my mom before the crew comes over.”

  “Who’s all coming over?” she asks me in an impatient huff. I hear the uncertainty in her question.

  “Just some friends. I know Andy will be here for sure. What are you asking me, Pais?” I have told her so little about Lisa, barely mentioned her in passing. I tried to explain to her that it wasn’t because I was still pining away, but the fact I didn’t want to tarnish our relationship with talk of her.

  “You know what I am asking you, Jake.” I want her to voice her concerns, know that she can feel how she wants and never be afraid to be straight with me.

  “I think I do, but I want you to be the one to talk to me about it. Voice your concerns and doubts. Remember, all in, complete honesty.” This is going to be our biggest challenge. I don’t know where her reasons come from, but she hates rocking the boat. She hates discussing how she feels. Hell, I think she hates having feelings, at all.

  “Fine, Jake,” she spits at me. I can hear the venom laced in her voice, “is your ex-girlfriend going to be there?”

  “Calm down, beautiful.” I hate not being able to look at her and reassure her. “As far as I am concerned, she isn’t welcome. My mom said Andy put it together, and we both know he wouldn’t do that to me.” She knows how close Andy and I are. She has talked to him on the phone, and I think he has a slight crush on my little she-devil.

  “Sorry for being a whiny bitch. I hate feeling like this. I know you are where you need to be, but I feel like the last two weeks flew by and the three weeks before that was a lifetime.”

  “Hey, don’t call my girlfriend a bitch. And we have the next five months together. No deployments, and besides we are kind of shacking up on the weekends, now.” I try anything to draw her out of this mood. She was fine when I left her at the airport. Sometimes I wish I could climb in her head and understand what she was feeling, but I think I would be thrown into a never-ending cyclone and be more confused than I am now. “Ten days, and I will be home. Call me whenever you want. No matter what, I am available to you.”

  “I’m not going to bug you while you are home. Just ignore me right now. I am feeling sorry for myself and have no reason for it. Just chalk it up to me being a girl; we get hormonal sometimes.” She is trying to convince me, but she is doing a shitty job.

  “You are never a bother, and if you don’t call or text I will be worried. I can’t do this on my own here, Paisley. I need you to want this.”

  “I do, Jake. I just don’t want to irritate you.” She is driving me insane right now. She is not this insecure girl, and I don’t know why I bring it out in her. I should do the opposite, and somehow I am failing.

  “Paisley, I am gonna go. Please know you don’t ever bother me, but this constant back and forth game is getting on my nerves. My job, as the man in love with you, is to show you that, make you confident in our love and yourself. I don’t seem to be doing a good job at doing that and I don’t know where I am going wrong. I love you, beautiful. I wish you would trust in that.” I hang up before I say anything more because I refuse to fight with her over the phone.

  I turn around to go upstairs, and my mom is standing there. “How much of that did you hear?”

  “Most of it. Are you okay?”

  “Frustrated. That girl owns me, but she has me so wrapped in knots I don’t know if I am coming or going most days. I don’t know what I am doing wrong.”

  “Probably nothing from what I heard. But you can’t demand for her to listen to you, to trust and believe in you, and the second she doesn’t do it, you get mad and end the conversation. I don’t know her, but if she has captured your heart like this, she is worth the fight and frustration you feel. Things aren’t always cut and dried, Jake.”

  “So I screwed up?”

  “I am not saying that. Come on, let’s go upstairs and talk.” I follow her up the steps like I am a six year old, anxious for any wisdom she can shine on me.

  She pours her coffee and lights a cigarette, and I cringe. “Get over it, Jake, I am the mom and this is my house. I know your thoughts on smoking, Lord knows I heard it enough when you were growing up.”

  “Paisley smokes, and I hate it,” I blurt out. I don’t know why I just told her that, and when she starts laughing at me I question why I am about to listen to advice from her.

  “I see, now,” she says like sh
e has just solved world hunger. “You don’t have control. Everything in you screams for order, control, respect and compliance. Feelings aren’t based on that, they are just that . . . feelings. You don’t have control over them and so you trying to control her feelings and thoughts. She may need more nurturing and isn’t she worth it?”

  What a dumb question. “Of course she is.” I am not going to offer her any more of an explanation. I don’t know what impression I gave her to ask me that question.

  “Calm down. I know she is worth it just from hearing and seeing you talk about her. I am trying to get you to let go of some of your control, to consider all options. Tell me more about her. Maybe it will give you a new point of view.”

  I can’t help the smile that comes across my face. I am about to dive into my favorite subject . . . Paisley. “She is breathtaking, Mom. So innocent and beautiful. She doesn’t realize the pull she has on people, and while she tries to portray this tough exterior, she is so soft on the inside. She hates emotions and feelings; tries to deny them and not process them. She is brilliant as hell, and part of me feels guilty that she has given up so much to be with me. I want her to know it was the right choice and never regret her decisions.”

  “Back up, Jake. What decisions are you afraid she will regret? What has she given up for you?” I realize there is so much my mom doesn’t know. I have been so guarded in what I told her because she had her doubts about me with anyone other than Lisa, but my mom is about to see what an unbelievable girl I have.

  “I’ve mentioned the age thing to you. It was hard at first. Here was this girl that knocked my socks off. Made me feel alive, challenged me. I felt that spark immediately. Then I found out she was sixteen and wanted to run. Only my legs didn’t carry me very far. I couldn’t get her out of my mind, then I kissed her, and I felt at home. In one single kiss she changed my outlook on what I wanted in my life. She was able to allow me to let go with just the meeting of our lips. I swear I felt it to my core. Long story short, her mom knew about the age difference, and I am sure she wasn’t thrilled with it, but she accepted it. She accepted Paisley’s ability to make a choice for herself. That choice hasn’t been a walk in the park. I freaked out and hurt her without meaning to when I found out her mom knew. I was worried about the ramifications of the Navy. She left without letting me explain myself. I think she felt rejected but didn’t stay to talk about it. I got my head out of my ass and went after her after I lost my temper.” I look at her to gauge her reaction and see her shake her head in silent reprimand for my temper tantrum.

  I don’t acknowledge her, I already admitted to myself that I made a mistake, but so did Paisley for running that night. “We worked it out and thought we were going to move forward. We have for the most part, but then this insecure girl comes out in her, and I don’t know what to do. Right before I left on deployment, she had a breakdown that her mom witnessed. I didn’t know about this beforehand because she just acted distant and aloof without discussing her concerns with me. I guess being in this relationship is taking a lot out of her. She had been missing classes and checking out early to spend as much time with me as possible, but never let me know it was affecting her grades, and she was struggling with me being away. I knew she would miss me, but this was different. It made her turn into herself instead of leaning on me. Her report card came, and her mom freaked out. They had a pretty intense argument and when Paisley explained to me what happened and how hard it was for her to catch up on school work and she couldn’t, how she felt disconnected to a lot of her classmates because she is in a different situation with them, it was like she doesn’t trust me. So now she is doing a homeschool type program at the local college, but I want her to pursue her dreams.”

  “No, Jake, she doesn’t trust herself. She isn’t trying to hurt you, or question you. She is too busy doubting herself. Tell me about her home life.”

  “Her mom and step-dad are pretty laid back but very present. She is the youngest of six kids and is really close to her oldest sister. The others she doesn't mention too much. Her best friend kind of bailed on her, and we didn’t see eye to eye, so I am not sorry for it, but Paisley was super hurt. Krista has issues and needs to work them out, but she took out her shit on Paisley and yet, Pais stood by me. She defended our relationship to her, but I don’t see that same fight in her when it comes to me.”

  “What happened to her dad?”

  “I don’t know all the details. She doesn’t go into it much, I just know she doesn’t see him, or really talk about him.”

  “Here is my opinion and take it for what you want. She defended your relationship to her best friend, the person she trusted and believed would never hurt her because she wasn’t afraid of her reaction. Yet, the same person turned her back on her and walked away. She doesn’t see or talk about her dad . . . that girl is afraid of you leaving her. Not for deployment, not for a few weeks, but for her life. She is terrified of losing you and doesn’t even realize it. She doesn’t defend your relationship or fight for it to you because she feels if she does you may leave. She fights for it all on her own, and I don’t know how to make her see things differently, and I believe she has to come to that realization on her own. But, you have to be patient. If you push her she will walk away. She probably feels that is safer than staying and being hurt. I know it is against your nature, but Jake, if you want her, and you love her, then you have to let her grow into this relationship and all the things that entails.”

  I silently process my mom’s words and all the pieces fit. How I didn’t see this I don’t know, and how my mom saw it without ever meeting Paisley kind of freaks me out. “How did you get all that?”

  “I listened Jake. When you explained her reactions to certain situations, I put myself in her shoes, and when you factored in her dad and best friend, it all made sense. Just love her and keep loving her. That is all you can do.”

  I pick up my phone and call her. I get her voicemail and leave her a message. “Beautiful, I am sorry about earlier. I love you and miss you. Please call me when you are ready to talk. I am here no matter what.” I look up to my mom for her to give me a thumbs up.

  “I am proud of you, my boy.” In this moment, I am proud of myself. I didn’t lose my cool totally with Paisley earlier, but I did push more than she was comfortable, and then I admitted I was wrong without showing any kind of rage. Piece by piece we will put this puzzle together.

  All my friends arrive and there are about five of us including Andy. My mom has snacks and drinks out, and it reminds me of high school. I keep checking my phone and haven’t received a call from Paisley. I hate that she is probably upset and confused, but yet she won’t reach out to me. I am about to send her a text when Andy starts in, “Jake, put your phone down. Your girl can go without you for a few hours, she is going to have to survive six months.” As I am about to tell him to fuck off, another friend of ours, Greg, says something that pisses me off.

  “So you and Lisa are back together?”

  “What the fuck are you talking about Greg? Lisa and I are done.”

  He looks around at everyone at the table, and says, “I figured now that everyone knows the kid is yours and not Mick’s you would want to resume your relationship.” The room falls silent, and nobody is meeting my gaze. I can’t tell you the emotions running through me at this moment. My lips curl and I have the urge to punch the table. I want to run from the room and forget what I just heard. My heart is racing and my skin feels clammy. But most of all, I feel sick. I knew there was always a possibility of the kid being mine, but Lisa and Mick were pretty damn convincing that he was more than likely the father, and she had the kid over a year ago. How did nobody tell me? I look to my mom, hoping she is going to deny this, but when I meet her pale face and teary eyes, I know.

  My first thought should not be Paisley, but it is. I can’t even be elated that I am a father because I see this child as nothing but my future heartbreak, and I will do anything in my power to stop that. I
can’t lose Paisley over a cheating ex who neglected to tell me I was a father. I ignore my friends calling my name, I ignore my mom’s pleas to not do something stupid, and I walk out the front door, grabbing her keys to head to the one person who can give me answers.

  I drive to her house by memory and then remember she doesn’t live with her parents anymore. I text Andy to find out where she lives, and he tells me to just come home. I need to be clear-headed about this, and my mom has information for me. I take the long way back and am doing everything I can to avoid the answers that may ruin me. I walk in and notice everyone has left. Andy is still sitting there, but he gets up and meets me at the door. “You need to keep your shit together, Jake. She wanted to tell you a few months ago when she found out, but you refused to let her speak when she brought up Lisa, and now she wishes she never knew because she knows you have truly moved on and doesn’t want to break your heart.” I just nod at him and walk into the kitchen. Of course, the first thing I focus on is the full ashtray and right now I don’t hate cigarettes so much because I wish I could have a crutch to calm my nerves. The usual way I deal with stuff is to hit something, and the only person I want to hit right now is a woman and my ex-best friend.

  “Jake,” my mom starts hesitantly, “I ran into Lisa about three months ago and she had the baby with her. A beautiful little girl who is fifteen months old. I took one look at her and I knew she was yours. When I asked Lisa she didn’t deny it. I found out a few weeks ago her and Mick have split again and went to see her at work. She said Mick couldn’t handle the fact he isn’t the dad and made her life hell. I wanted answers. I wanted to know why she never told you, or let me know. She said she didn’t want to uproot the girl’s life, and she was still hoping she and Mick could work it out. I realized I didn’t even know my own grandchild’s name.”