Pieces of Paisley

by Leigh Ann Lunsford

  “You didn’t worry me, you scared the shit out of me. I was ready to jump on the first plane and come home to make you talk to me. Don’t do that again, I can’t take it.”

  “I miss you.”

  “I miss you so damn much. What were you evaluating on your drive?”

  “Life. You and me and where I want the road to lead.”

  “Where is that?”

  “To your arms. Always. I am so sorry, Jake. I don’t handle stuff well, all I can say is I am trying, and I do love you.”

  “You don’t have any idea how much I love hearing that.” Something in his voice is off. Instead of the relief I anticipated having this conversation, I am filled with apprehension. What isn’t he telling me? Is he just missing me that much?

  “Jake, what is wrong?” The sigh I hear him exhale on the other end of the line tells me something is on his mind.

  “Nothing, Pais. Just something’s here that I thought were in the past. I just hate being away from you.” I wait, hoping he is going to clarify. He never does, and I let it go. Weak girl mistake number one.

  “I hate you being away, too. Let’s make a promise that this is our last holiday apart if you aren’t deployed. I don’t care what the hell we have to do, say screw both sets of parents and go away together.”

  “I like your thinking, woman.” We continue to talk about mundane things, and I still can’t help but think something is off with him.

  Christmas comes and goes without much enthusiasm for either of us, because we are apart, although he does love the present I snuck in for him; I wanted something meaningful for him to open on Christmas day so I got him a watch with the Navy insignia on it and had it engraved on the back with:

  “Our love is timeless, we have an eternity together. J&P”

  We will exchange presents when he gets home, and I put a slide show with pictures of us on a digital frame so he can take it with him, and it can be constantly updated. Every time I speak to him, which has been more frequent as the days pass, he talks to me, tells me he loves me but there is no enthusiasm or inflection in his voice, it is just monotone. He apologizes over and over for making me feel like that. He says he isn’t sleeping well, and it scares me. It is like he is conflicted about us, and I don’t know what changed, but I just keep pushing forward, maybe he is waiting for me to prove I am over the running that I have been doing. I keep reassuring him I am in it for the long haul, and he doesn’t seem to take me at face value. Thank goodness he will be home tomorrow so I can show him how much I missed him.

  Chapter 14

  Jake

  Men always want to be a woman's first love - women like to be a man's last romance.

  Oscar Wilde

  I never thought I would be happy to leave this state, and at the moment I don’t care if I ever come back. Just ten days ago I was so happy to be home and dreaming about Paisley and I eventually starting a life there. Now I wouldn’t give two fucks about where we have our future, as long as we are together. I feel like I have a black cloud over my head and the last thing I want to do is bring it back with me. As much as I am trying to put it in the back of my mind because I can’t do anything about the decisions made, I have two years left in my enlistment and by that time Laura will be almost four, and I don’t know if my return will rip apart her relationship with Mick. I don’t want to factor Paisley’s reaction into my decision, but I do, and that makes me a piece of shit as a father and man. My mom advised me to tell Paisley sooner rather than later, but I refused to listen to that nonsense. I am keeping this as far away from Paisley as I can. I am going home to love her, put her first, and do everything in my power to make her feel secure in my love. As soon as my plane lands, I am sweeping her up in my arms and not letting her out of them for at least forty-eight hours. Then we go back to the grind of work, school, and normal life.

  I walk down the terminal as fast as I can without knocking people down. I have so many emotions running through me; desperation, doubt, dread, fear, but my excitement to see my girl is the overwhelming sensation coursing through my veins that keeps propelling me forward. I allow the adrenaline rush to encompass me as I see her jumping up and down trying not to breach the security checkpoint and almost failing. I allow my first genuine smile to cross my face as I see the annoyed look the TSA agent is giving her, and Paisley doesn’t even realize it. She is too busy staring at me, tracking my every step as I get closer to her. I finally reach her, and she climbs me like a damn monkey; arms encircling my neck, legs gripping my hips, and she has no plans to let go. I chuckle at her as I maneuver us to the side to allow people to pass. Paisley doesn’t even notice the looks we are garnering and continues to hang on me.

  “Beautiful, you are going to have to let go so we can walk out of here.”

  “Nuh-uh,” she mumbles into my neck. This is my home; this is what I have been missing. I feel the tension leaving my body and know the decisions I am making are for the best. I demand complete honesty from her, and I feel like a bit of an ass for deceiving her in some way but I will do what I have to do to protect her and our relationship. I grab her around the ribs and apply a bit of pressure tickling her just enough so she relaxes her grip and I can set her down. Once she is on her feet I don’t hesitate to cover her lips with mine, and devour her mouth. I am a fucking starved man, and she is my food and drink. She is all I need at this moment.

  I pull back enough to whisper, “Let’s go home. The quicker we are there, the quicker I can be inside of you.” She doesn’t waste anytime turning around and marching towards the baggage claim so we can get this show on the road. She is making small talk asking about my trip, and that is putting me in a bad mood, so I avoid any lengthy answers, and tell her honestly, “It was good to see my mom and Brian. I had a good time with Andy, but the rest of it was wasted time, and I missed you like crazy.” She seems satisfied with that answer, and once I grab my bag we make our way to the Jeep. She hands me the keys and climbs in.

  “Buckle up, beautiful. This is going to be the fastest trip from the airport to the apartment you will ever have.”

  She winks at me. “Oh yeah, Kara and Rick are in Tampa again for the weekend. I can make you scream and won’t have to worry about Rick being jealous.” Speed limits be damned right now. Having sex without her knowing everything is probably wrong on so many levels, but I need that confirmation right now. I need to solidify us. I don’t know another way to do that without burying myself so deep inside of her we are lost in one another.

  As soon as I pull into the parking space she is out of the Jeep and halfway to the door. I go to grab my stuff and say fuck it and run to catch up with her. She is unlocking and pushing open the door. I grab her and throw her over my shoulder fireman style. She yelps and starts laughing as I jog towards my bedroom. I go to slide her down my body slowly, but she has other plans and wraps her legs around my waist and brings her lips to mine. What starts out slow turns to fiery and passionate in seconds. She slips her tongue past my lip, and I latch on to and suck gently and then bite down on her bottom lip. Her hips start pressing into me, and before she starts grinding on me I place her down on the bed. Slowly, I remove every stitch of her clothing and then turn to mine. I look down on her and have to catch my breath; seeing her sprawled on my bed, hair tousled from the car ride, lips swollen from my kisses, eyes gleaming in mischief, and her smile telling me how happy she is. There has never been a more beautiful sight. I lean down and gently press the softest kiss on her stomach right below her belly button. Before I can help myself, my tongue comes out to taste her skin, and I lick down her body. Her pussy is like an ice cream cone, and it is my favorite flavor. My tongue hasn’t even touched her yet, and she lets out a moan. I smile up at her and gently lick her from the entrance to her clit. I don’t apply too much pressure, just gentle licks up and down. She is dripping wet, and I move over to her outer lips and draw them in my mouth and move my tongue around giving her a massage with my mouth.

  Bucking her hips
she almost causes me to unlatch, so I move both hands to her hips and hold her still. She grips the sheet and says, “Oh shit, Jake.” I curl my tongue and thrust it in and out of her several times. My dick is rock hard and jealous of my tongue in this moment. Paisley isn’t forming words and between her moans, pleas, and gasps of breath, I know she is close. I slow down and slowly take my tongue and explore inside of her. I bring my tongue back up to her clit and gently run my tongue around, never giving her enough pressure to reach her climax. I give her clit several quick, little sucks and release it each time, earning me a few ‘holy fucking shits’ and ‘please don’t stops.’ When I think she has had enough, I gently suck on her clit and flick my tongue over it continuously, and I add my middle finger slowly. She rocks into my finger so I add a second one and move them in and out. I feel her begin to clinch around me and slow down to almost a standstill, then when I feel her relax, I thrust my finger in deeper and find her G-spot. That is all it takes as she has the most intense orgasm I have seen from her, shouting my name the entire time.

  I don’t let her come down from it before I flip her onto her stomach and enter her from behind. She instinctively raises up on her knees and pushes back into me. She is still so tight and feels like she has been made for me. I grab her hips stilling her movements so I can control the pace. She groans and squirms against my hands, but I ignore what she wants. I am giving her what I think she needs. I pick up my pace and adjust my angle, so I go deeper each time. Once she is on the edge again, I slow my movements and push into her slowly and forcefully. Within moments she is falling over the edge taking me with her. No words are spoken, and I pull out of her and immediately pull her to my side.

  After a few moments, she tells me, “I am glad you are home. I love you.”

  “That was one hell of a welcome home.”

  “No shit, I can only imagine what you will do to me after six months,” I know she is playing about wanting me to be gone, but I don’t know how I will handle six months without feeling her skin, her lips, and her arms around me.

  “Oh, I have plenty to do to you before that, beautiful.”

  “Not now, that was fucking intense, Jake. I need a nap.”

  “Sounds perfect,” I peck her quickly and settle her so she is wrapped around me without any space between us. We both fall asleep quickly, and for the first time in nine days, I rest peacefully knowing my whole world is in my arms.

  The next few weeks pass with work, Paisley, and my thoughts nagging at me. It is like I have a devil on one side telling me to keep going on the way I am, and then an angel on the other side telling me to be honest with Paisley, get it all out there, and find a way to make it all work. I literally feel like I am being split in two. My sleep is suffering, and in turn, making my moods wicked. One second, I am fine with the way things are going, then she gets up to chat with Kara, or go outside and smoke, and I lose my temper. Snapping at her, sometimes resulting in her tears, and feeling like the biggest asshole in the world. Paisley is just taking it in stride, but I see the confusion in her eyes and mannerisms. She is walking on eggshells around me; this girl who was so afraid of staying with me, fighting for us and being present in this relationship, is the one giving it her all. I want to forget everything that transpired back home, and the more I try, the more I think about it.

  Tonight is especially tense. Rick has been laying into Kara all evening, and I am about to lose my cool. He can be a dick, but I usually try to stay out of it. Paisley is getting more irritated sitting here listening to him berate Kara, from her clothes, to her hair, to her cooking abilities, and every subject in between. When she reaches her breaking point, she gets up and grabs her cigarettes to walk outside, so I follow her.

  “You really need to lay off the cigarettes, Pais.”

  “Not this argument again, Jake. I get your view on it, believe me, I hear it enough.”

  “What is your problem?” She just glares at me which sets me off. “Go ahead, Pais, I can take it.” I know I am goading her right now, and in the back of my mind I want her to call me out on my shit. I want a reason to tell her, I want her to be a bitch so I can blame her for what is happening.

  “Let me count the issues here. 1. Since you came home, if we aren’t having sex, we are on eggshells around each other. I ask you what is wrong and you blow it off, change the subject, or take my head off. My head is conjuring up all sorts of images, and none of them pleasant. 2. Kara, who is slowly working her way into my heart and life, allows that douchebag to treat her like shit, and I can’t stand him and the feeling is mutual. 3. You leave in less than two months and I have no idea what is going to happen to us because YOU WON’T TALK TO ME!”

  She shouts the last part at me, and I am sure the upstairs neighbors heard her.

  “Is that it? Is that all you have for me? Princess doesn’t feel like she is center of attention so she is going to pitch a fit and draw attention to it? Grow up, Paisley, life isn’t always about you. I have so much shit in my head right now, and sorry if you don’t feel like you are sitting on the pedestal I usually put you on. Should I start asking you every day what I can do to make you happy?” I have completely lost my mind and the ability to form a sentence without slicing her open. Her tears streaming down her face make me feel about two inches tall, but I won’t take them back. I need her to be mad at me, I need her to distance herself, but at the same time I want to put her in a bubble that is unbreakable. I go from one extreme to the other with her, no wonder she has whiplash. I am either arguing with her, fucking her, or ignoring her.

  She puts her cigarette out and turns to go in the apartment without a word. A few seconds pass by, and I am trying to control my breathing and figure out what the hell I am going to say to her to make her forgive me, then I need to figure out what the fuck to do so this doesn’t keep happening. The one thing I want to love, protect, and cherish is the one thing slipping away from me . . . Paisley. Before I make that decision, the door opens and Paisley walks past me with her purse and backpack. She has her keys out and is heading toward her Jeep. On instinct I reach out and grab her arm, halting her midstride.

  “Let go of me,” she tells me. Her voice is weak and trembling, and I want to pull her to me and comfort her, but I am the one who caused this ache. Every promise I ever made to her is being broken one by one the past months, and I don’t know how to stop it. I just know I can’t lose her.

  “Don’t leave,” I beg her. If she stays I promise myself no more of this. I will find a way to deal where she isn’t affected. God, if she walks away, I don’t know what I will do.

  “You have made it clear, not just tonight but time after time, that you don’t want me. You may want pieces of me, but when something doesn’t sit right with you or I am not obeying you, this is what happens. Well I am tired of being your punching bag, taking the brunt of your bad moods. You promised me Jake, you promised me you loved me, well love should never make me feel like this. I don’t want your brand of love, and if this is really what love is, I don’t want it at all. What you just said to me, that was it, the final straw for me. I am not going to stand here while you spew your bullshit at me and then expect me to take it and act like nothing is wrong. Let me tell you something . . . I have never asked you to put me on a pedestal. I have never asked anything of you except your love, respect, and commitment to me. The same things you demanded of me. I am dealing with as much as you; I am seventeen years old, living like I am an adult. I gave up my high school life, and that is on me, I don’t blame you at all. But I did all the changing in this relationship, without hesitation because it was going to benefit us, make it easier for us to survive. For every step I made in building this path together, you continuously move the steps and create obstacles for us to climb over, and it shouldn’t be this hard. It shouldn’t hurt this bad. You are leaving in less than two months and since you came home, it seems like I am nothing more than an afterthought, when you are my only thought.” She pauses, and I see her chest heaving,
about half way through her speech, she started sobbing. Every word she said to me is lodging in my skin, piercing the flesh and making me feel every cut and barb. I did this, I have to fix it.

  “I can’t let you go, I love you, Paisley. I am sorry, I will do whatever I have to.”

  “That’s just it, Jake. I don’t want to be wanted like this, a toy you take out and play with when you want something, but discard as soon as the moment is over. I shouldn’t have to tell you what to do; you should have been doing it all along. I love you, too, but I love myself, more.” She rips her arm out of my grasp and flees across the parking lot to her Jeep. I stand there, not moving a muscle to stop her, not even caring that she is in pain, because all I can focus on is the pain in my chest and head. I have just ruined the only thing that matters, all over a cheating, lying bitch one thousand miles away.

  I punch the stucco on the outside wall of the apartment over and over, wanting to feel something other than the pain I have inflicted on myself. I watch as the blood trickles down from my knuckles. I keep hitting, now mixing in my tears and yells until I collapse on the patio and remind myself what a piece of shit I am. Her face, crumbling with pain, and tears streaming down are all I can see. I don’t know how to fix this. My need to protect her has now destroyed her.

  Chapter 15

  Paisley

  You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it come true. You may have to work for it, however.

  Richard Bach

  Did I just break up with him? I walked away, told him I was done, and in the moment I meant it, but now that I am at home, in my bed alone, I have no idea why I said that. I am not done. I love him. I do love him, but I can’t continue to tear myself up like this, and for what? It is obvious what he wants, and I can’t stop the inevitable. My mom opens my door, and before she can say a word, I turn over facing my wall with my back to her and praying she gets the point. I don’t want to talk to her. She won’t get it, and I don’t have the energy to explain it. Luckily, she gets the hint and leaves my room. My phone is going off in my purse, and I don’t bother with it. I don’t want to talk to anyone . . . especially him right now. I fell asleep to my tears and Cassadee Pope singing ‘I Wish I Could Break Your Heart’ and the rest of her kick ass, girl power lyrics.