Driving to the sport’s bar we decided to meet at, I am hoping the nerves come, but they never do. I walk in and see Sean waiting for me, and I don’t know what is wrong with me. I am just not ready, I hate that I am not but I decided after tonight to be honest with myself and Sean. We enjoy dinner, some jokes and I am really comfortable with him. “Sean, I want to thank you for tonight . . .”
He cuts me off, “Why do I feel a but coming? Just take tonight and last night as what is was, two people hanging out, no pressure. I know you are still hung up on your ex, but I am patient.”
I want to tell him no, but I really enjoy being myself with him. He makes me feel young, and doesn’t question my choices or take over my decisions. I know I have just met him but he has this laid-back vibe about him. “Deal. No expectations, no pressure.” I reiterate.
“Yes, now tomorrow wanna come to my apartment? We can hang out by the pool, and I will cook for you?”
I hesitate. He takes that as a no, “We can always go to the beach if you have something against chlorine.” That isn’t the issue, it is the beginning of February . . . not really beach or pool weather.
“Sean, it isn’t chlorine I have the aversion to, it is freezing my ass off near any kind of water in the winter.” He seems to think I am hilarious.
“Paisley, this isn’t winter. Try Minnesota right about now. This is truly beach weather.”
“And you have truly lost your mind. How about we rain check the beach or pool and maybe bowling? And no apartment, yet.” He begrudgingly agrees with me, but not before he gets my phone number. I wouldn’t give him any information earlier because I didn’t want him to be able to harass me if I stood him up. He walks me to my car and gives me a friendly hug good-bye.
I pull out and turn on the radio and immediately turn it off. ‘Maybe Someday’ by Lonestar was on, and since the last day with Jake I refuse to listen to that band. I am pissed because my dream was to walk down the aisle to them. I have the wedding dress, had the groom and ring, and yet somehow he ruined an awesome group for me. I promise myself that if I ever get to the point of marriage, way in the future, I will still walk down the aisle to them. He can’t take everything.
I wake up the next morning feeling like ass. My throat is sore, headache, body aches, and a temperature. I call Sean and cancel and he offers to bring me chicken noodle soup, and I have to laugh. I remind him I am eighteen living at home with Mommy, and she can take care of me. He doesn’t seem like anything fazes him. “I know Paisley, but that doesn’t mean more than one person can’t help you when you are sick.” I think I was trying to push him away with our age difference.
We exchange texts throughout the next week and I am busy with school and have decided to find a job; I need freedom and being back at home is about to drive me bat-shit crazy. My mom is all up in my business with Jake this, Jake that, then when I threw in her face Jake is no more and followed it up with informing her about the “date” I had, she is all pro-Sean now even though she never met him. She is seriously deranged. I swear if a damn eighty-year-old man showed interest in me she would pimp me out . . . proudly.
I want to drop out of dental assisting school. I have no reason to be there anymore, and that way I can go back to babysitting. I don’t tell my mom. I just do it. She is shocked but what can she do? My rebellious streak is in full force when I go get my belly-button pierced after she ‘forbid me.’ I thought she was going to have a conniption fit when I showed her in front of a group of her friends. She didn’t speak to me for three days, and it was so peaceful. I haven’t seen Sean although we are talking and texting on the phone, a lot.
Babysitting is going well, I see Kara more and get to spend time with Adaleigh, much to Rick’s annoyance. I wonder how much longer Kara is going to hold on. She is slowly coming around, and she has my mom right there encouraging her. I tell Kara my mom just wants Adaleigh, and if she is single as well as me then we will never be home and my mom’s wishes come true. She still thinks my mom is the epitome of great parenting, and I can’t convince her otherwise. Rick leaves in July, for another deployment and Kara tried to put her foot down and refuse to move back to Tampa, unfortunately Rick controls the money and she has no choice.
Valentine’s Day . . . how do you handle that with a new prospect that in my mind is ‘friend-zoned’ but doesn’t seem to know it? He keeps asking me out to dinner. I relent with one condition. Movies and pizza at his apartment. I am not going out and seeing every couple in love and happy because I would want to take dull spoons and dig their eyes out. I am turning into an angry, jilted girl, and I have Alanis Morissette fueling that fire. She has become my idol, and I can rock some angst.
I decide to check Facebook before I leave to go to Sean’s. Holy fucking mistake, Facebook is the devil. Rose has posted a picture of Jake, camping, with some girl in the picture. Oh and it is tagged with that bitches name, ‘Autumn Osmond.’ Really? I screenshot it so I can stalk her later, but hit ‘like’ just to let Rose know I saw it. I am livid; I won’t let myself feel the pain. Anger works better, no tears and no regrets. I immediately change my bra and panties to a matching set and decide revenge will be mine tonight. I text Sean to make sure he has tequila and promise him he will enjoy unwrapping his Valentine’s gift.
I blare ‘All I Really Want’ by Alanis Morissette on the way to Sean’s. All I can think is, ‘when did he start camping?’, and ‘who wears tie-dyed anymore?’ Yes, she had on tie-dye. My cell rings and ‘Rose’ flashes on the screen. I ignore it; I can’t do it right now. I am barely hanging on and the only thing stopping me from breaking down is the anger. If I talk to her I will lose it. I flip the CD to ‘So What’ by Pink and turn it up louder. The chime letting me know I have a voicemail goes off, and I have to sit on my hand I am not driving with to stop myself from checking it. When that fails to work, I light a cigarette. One more thing Sean doesn’t bitch about, my smoking.
I try to build my confidence at Sean’s by using liquid courage. I never hesitated jumping on Jake when I wanted sex. This feels so wrong, but I have to eradicate every memory of him from my mind. I don’t want the last memory of someone touching my body to be him, but at the same time I don’t want anyone else to do it. I am a hot ass mess. This is why I will warn every female I meet to run the opposite direction of love. You will never experience anything like it, they said . . . no shit, and death will be less painful. Your first love will always hold your heart . . . again, because the fuckers destroy it and mutilate it so you can’t give it to anyone else. There is nothing else like falling in love . . . they just don’t tell you when it ends, there is no other pain like it. I don’t know how many tequila shots I take, but all I know is I am still sober. Sean hasn’t mentioned anything about my mood, maybe he doesn’t notice . . . or maybe he doesn’t care.
I lean in to kiss him, and he meets me half way. His lips are soft on mine, but nothing. No fireworks, no accelerated heart rate, no tingling. I do feel nauseated, but I don’t think that is from his kissing. I lead him to the bedroom deciding to get this show on the road. He stops me, “Not tonight Paisley. We need to go slow.” Who says that? You have a girl almost ten years your junior willing to put out and you stop her? He will regret that shit when he looks back in twenty years, because his chances are dwindling faster than mine. He does take me to the bedroom and gives me a shirt to sleep in and crawls in next to me. I do fall asleep with his arms around me, and when I wake up, I am creeped out.
He is watching me sleep again. I go to lift my head up, and I feel like something is slicing my cheek. I rub my hands on his chest under my cheek and it is worse than when I forget to shave my legs for two days. What the finger fuck is that? “I forgot to shave yesterday,” he tells me like it is no big deal? Okay, I know male models shave, swimmers shave, but Navy men? Nope, they don’t shave. I don’t know why this freaks me out so badly, but it does. That was the last time I saw Sean.
Chapter 23
Paisley (Kevin)
Any
one who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.
Albert Einstein
After Valentine’s Day I swore off dating for a while. I just couldn’t do it. Unfortunately that wasn’t true for Jake. He and Autumn have become quite comfortable. As in, he gets out of the Navy in four weeks and she is moving with him, as his fiancé. Rose is devastated, said he isn’t thinking clearly and still upset over the demise of us. That is a funny way of showing it. It killed me to have to do it, but I told Rose I needed a break from her for a while. I had to cut all things Jake out of my life. Oh, did I mention he is getting married the same day we planned? I guess it is convenient because his family will be down here anyway.
Rick has duty tonight, so my mom is keeping Adaleigh, and Kara and I are going out. I don’t care where we go, as long as it involves alcohol. We end up at some club and are having a blast dancing and getting drunk by sneaking into the bathroom with our miniature’s we snuck in. I feel arms encircle my waist and then a body up against me, grinding on me. I am about to go off on whoever it is, but I turn around, and I can’t. This guy is fucking gorgeous. Dark hair, dark eyes, and an olive complexion. When he flashes his smile at me I want to lick his dimples, and it is the type of smile that says he knows what he does to you. I turn back around and let him dance on me for a few songs.
I need a break and I motion to Kara I am going to find a table for a few and she nods and stays there dancing. Dancing Dream follows me and sits opposite of me. “Hello, Paisley.” How the hell does this guy know my name?
“And you know me how?”
“Jake’s girl.” He is so matter of fact, waiting for me to correct him.
“You mean ex girl? And how do you know Jake?”
“Was wondering if the rumor was true, so when I saw you I decided to take my chances. I am on the ship with Jake, and I have seen you several times. I was always envious of the lucky bastard, but not anymore.” Okay, great. How do I handle this?
“Wanna tell me who you are?”
“Kevin Jones. Sorry about that, guess I shouldn’t have assumed you knew me.”
“I think I would have remembered being introduced to you.” I can’t believe I just blurted that out. By the smirk he gives me, he caught what I said. I chat and dance with him the rest of the night, and at the end of the night when he kisses me good night, I feel it in my toes. Of course, that could be all the alcohol I consumed with his lethal looks and not the actual kiss. I stupidly give him my number and head home.
And so commences him calling and texting, us meeting at the club a lot, making out, and I just can’t bring myself to cross the line and have sex with him. He doesn’t push and is really a nice guy. The kicker comes when he asks me to come visit him on the ship when he has duty. I knew it was a low thing to do, I could run into Jake, and secretly I am hoping to. I want him to realize I have moved on just like he has. I board the ship and pass a few of Jakes friends while waiting on Kevin to escort me to the flight deck. I get dirty looks and snide comments, and I want to scream. “He is engaged.” Instead, I throw the attitude right back and keep walking. Kevin meets me and takes me up to the deck so he can eat the food I brought him. “Is this awkward for you, Paisley?”
“I would be lying if I said no. I don’t know why some of the guys are being dicks. Jake moved on long before I did so how am I the bad person?”
“You don’t get it. She is a substitute. He found out about us earlier today and he isn’t happy. It took three guys and a warning from the captain to keep him off of me.”
I can’t process this right now. I didn’t come here to think about Jake, because every time I think about him, I see some other girl on his arm, and know that is who he chose over me. He never once called me, came over, checked up on me. He told me good-bye, and that was it. I tell Kevin I have to go, and when he kisses me good-bye in front of a group of Jake’s friends, he doesn’t win anyone over. He is closer to my age, only twenty, and still has two more years to serve but wants to go back to Alabama when he gets out. That means another deployment. Do I have it in me? Do I even care about him like that? Sure I like him; he is nice to look at and makes me feel something but is it enough? Do I want to go down that road again? I don’t have to have an answer right now. I have plenty of time.
Jake’s wedding day comes, without any kind of acknowledgement from me. I don’t see Rose or Brian, per my request, while they are here, and I regret that decision. I have no ties to him anymore, and I thought that would be best, but he is never far from my mind. I can’t believe he actually did it but sure enough, it is ‘Facebook Official.’ I fucking hate social media.
Kevin leaves on deployment in two weeks and so does Rick. I am looking at apartments next week and cannot wait. Tonight I tell Kevin I need to stay home and spend time with my family, which is a lie, and one I don’t feel guilty about. Instead I sit in my room, surrounded by every memory I have of Jake, playing ‘Goodbye To You’ by Michelle Branch on repeat. After the third picture I hold, the dam breaks and I cry. I let out everything I have been holding in. I swear I can still feel our first kiss, I remember every word of our first conversation, the first time we were together and how gentle and sweet he was. I remember all the good times, and I can’t let go. Why did I walk away? How did I get here? I berate myself and tell myself over and over that I did this, I let it end.
I don’t understand how he moved on so fast. He is married, and he promised that to me. He promised to dance with me to my favorite song when I became his wife. I remind myself of the reasons we broke up, but they don’t make sense now. I hate myself for it and I start scrolling through the wedding pictures posted on Facebook. Does he look happy? Is he holding her the same way he used to hold me? Where will they live? I then wish I would have been kept in the dark. It hurts, and I can’t breathe, rubbing the ache in my chest isn’t helping, and in this moment I wish my heart would stop working. I can’t do this forever. I can’t miss him, and I can’t continue to love him. Kara finds me sobbing and rocking back and forth, and she doesn’t have words.
I am so numb and in so much pain at the same time. I scream at her, “Why couldn’t he have said good-bye? He made it so final and now he is married.” Those words felt like they were being squeezed out of me. The vice grip on my chest is making it hard to get air in my lungs and I feel faint.
“Calm down, Paisley!” She is screaming at me, but it sounds like she is so far away. Almost like I am under water, and I do feel like I am drowning in misery. I close my eyes, and I don’t want to feel anymore, I don’t want to see anymore. Right now, I don’t want to be anymore.
I wake up the next morning with Kara right by my bedside, with red, tired eyes. “What are you doing here?”
“Damn it, Paisley, you scared the shit out of me last night. You wouldn’t wake up, you cried in your sleep, I couldn’t reach you. Stop this shit now. He is married, he is gone, I am sorry and I know it isn’t easy, but you are still here, and you are living. You have to start eating and you have to let go of this pain. Paisley, you have got to let him go, just like he let you go.” Hearing those words crushes me. I know there is truth in them, but I don’t know how to do that. I never wanted to let him go, but that is what I have to do.
I get up and move on, one foot in front of the other, one breath after another. I almost feel normal, like I did pre-Jake. I make it a few weeks until Kevin is leaving on deployment. The night before he leaves, he gets down on one knee and fucking proposes. And I fucking say yes. Looks like I am engaged . . . again.
The months he is gone pass quickly. I have my new apartment; Kara is technically living in Tampa, but here about three out of five days and every weekend. Adaleigh is between my apartment and my mom’s place, and Rick isn’t happy. Kevin is attentive when he calls, writes sweet letters, but I don’t get excited, or happy. Hell, I don’t get anything. I just function and that is the best you are going to get from me these days. We go out on Friday night to our usual club and Kara meets someone. Like h
e knocks her on her ass, sweeps her off her feet and she would do anything he asked of her . . . except leave her husband.
I don’t believe in cheating, but she is my best friend. I won’t condone it, but I am not going to condemn her for it either. She is the only one who has to look at herself in the morning and I admit, Tristan is pretty great. He loves her and he adores Adaleigh. Tristan’s friend, Vance, he is a pain in the ass and truly like the brother I never wanted. We bicker and ignore each other. I really love him in a weird way, but only platonically. He can be a good guy when he wants and doesn’t judge Tristan and Kara. He does judge me, though, and quite harshly. He tells me constantly I am not being fair to Kevin, and he is right. What business is it of his? If Kevin is happy, and I am surviving what right does he have? Rick and Kevin are due home in two days, and then he is going home to Alabama for ten days, and I am not sad about it, but he doesn’t seem to be either.
I pick him up at the ship and Kara and I are together like last time, but it feels worlds away. Neither of us is excited about their return. Kara because her time with Tristan is now done. He begged her not to go back to Rick, he promised her a life, and I believe him. Kara doesn’t. Kevin finds me in the crowd, and I realize I wasn’t even searching for him. We go back to the hotel he had booked, and I know what I have to do. He knows it is coming and I save the speech. I give him his ring back, hug him and walk away.
This time there isn’t the despair. There is relief that I won’t be trapped. There is excitement that maybe I will start living. Regret, though . . . that bitch is always there following me around like a gigantic neon sign flashing ‘I told you so.’
Chapter 24
Paisley
You can tell when something's not moving forward anymore. When the doubts you have about it don't go away.
Pieces of Paisley Page 18
