Jeffrey Eugenides
My nineteenth birthday is tomorrow. I have no plans except dinner with Kara and then I am going to a party a few of my high school friends told me about via Facebook. Tonight I have a date with my goddaughter. She will be one next week and I intend to spoil her with a trip to the toy store and Disney movies until she crashes. My two-bedroom apartment is pretty packed with her toys already but a girl always needs more. I walk outside to smoke and wait on Kara to bring her over and run into my neighbors, Dave and Ben. I met them when I moved in and they are pretty cool. Ben has a longtime girlfriend and is in love; Dave is single and a goofball. We watch football on Sundays together and have thrown a few joint parties.
“What is on the agenda tonight, Paisley?” Dave asks.
“I am getting Adaleigh and having girl’s night with my favorite girl.”
“Kara left douche hat yet?” Dave isn’t a fan of Rick’s but is a huge fan of Kara’s. I don’t have the heart to tell him he doesn’t have a chance in hell. Whenever Rick is on duty she is with Tristan. He keeps holding out hope that she will be his, but I don’t think she will ever leave Rick.
“Nope, sorry pretty boy.” He just shakes his head and goes back inside. Kara pulls up and drops off my Princess and we are off. After nearly bankrupting me in the store, we come home and crash during the fourth movie. This girl has some serious stamina.
I don’t feel any different today. I am a year older, but I can’t say a year wiser. I treat myself to a pedicure after I take Adaleigh home and encounter dickhead Rick. He really hates me, and the feeling is mutual. I decide to take a nap before dinner and right when I doze off my phone goes off. I blindly reach for it and answer, “Hello.”
“Paisley? I wasn’t sure you were going to answer my call.” Shit, why didn’t I look at the screen before I picked it up? “I wanted to tell you Happy Birthday.”
“Thanks, Rose. Been a while, huh?” I don’t know what to say. Hearing her voice is opening up wounds that were finally scabbing over. It isn’t her fault. I can’t punish her for my choices. I was so pissed about people not letting me make my own mistakes, and yet the biggest one I made I continue to punish everyone for.
“How are things?”
She is quiet for a minute. “I miss you so much. How are you?”
“I’m surviving. I have my own apartment, quit school, and I am trying to figure out what I want to do.”
“Do you ever think about what if, Paisley?”
I can’t lie to her. “Every single day, Rose.” I hear her sob escape her mouth.
“He is miserable. He loves you.”
“He is married, Rose. I can’t worry about his wants and needs. He married her, on my wedding day.” Lately, the anger has been coming, and I hope that means I am going through all the stages of grief and pray for the day acceptance comes.
“She is accusing him of cheating on her. I jokingly told him to have her call you and you could vouch that he would never do that.”
“No, he wouldn’t cheat, if he loves her. But she better not call me, and joking or not I can’t believe you would even suggest that. I can’t be a part of that. I am barely hanging on some days.”
“I am sorry, baby girl. I heard you had gotten engaged.”
I laugh at her. “I got engaged as a way to punish your son and instead hurt myself and a guy who didn’t deserve it.” Yes, I am bitter. I am not trying to be mean or blame her, but hearing her voice makes me remember. I don’t ever forget, but she is bringing it back in vivid color. “Rose, I know none of this is your fault, hell most of it isn’t Jake’s. I love you and I love him, but I can’t be a part of your life right now.”
“I understand, but know you always have a place in my life. I love you and wanted you for my daughter. Before I go can I please tell you about Laura, and the whole situation?” I didn’t think it was possible, but I think my heart just broke even more.
“Sure.” I am a glutton for punishment.
“Jake didn’t know about Laura until Christmas. His ex, Lisa, had cheated on him. A lot, and with one of his friends, Mick. They swore it was his. Right before Christmas I saw Lisa and the little girl out in town and I knew. She looks like Jake. I confronted her and she told me the truth. She and Mick were off and on and she told me a total bullshit story. Jake was so happy when he came home for Christmas, bursting with love for you. I had never seen him like that. The truth came out and when he confronted them, some decisions were made. Jake decided since Mick was the only father Laura had known, and he wanted to continue in that role, that no decision would be made until he got out of the Navy. He didn’t want to disrupt her life. He wanted updates and wanted me to be able to build a relationship. I begged him to tell you, but I think he was struggling with his decision and couldn’t bare for you to be disappointed in him.”
“What about now?”
“He is slowly incorporating himself in her life. She is only four and doesn’t really understand the whole concept of two fathers, so until she is old enough to explain, he will just keep being there in any capacity she is comfortable with.”
I don’t have words. All of this heartache and all of these broken promises, for what? For him to protect himself and not face what my feelings. Screw that, if he thought I would walk away or be disappointed in something out of his control, he had no faith or trust in me. “Fuck him, Rose. Just fuck him. He took away the biggest choice from me. I would have supported him without a doubt and instead he broke us. He did this!” I shout at her. “Fuck him.”
“Paisley, I am sorry. I just made it worse.”
“No, you just made it better,” I tell her. “I have to go, Rose. When and if I am ready I will call you.”
“I hope it happens one day. I love you, baby girl.”
I get ready and go to dinner with Kara. I tell her about the conversation with Rose, and she is speechless. She tells me she is looking for a job and leaving Rick. He is getting to be really loud and frustrated with Adaleigh and she won’t have that. Now I am speechless. I tell her she always has a place with me.
The party I go to is about ten minutes away from my apartment and it is same old high school people and I don’t think they have grown up, but to be fair to them, they just graduated a year ago and are actually acting their age. I decide I have had enough and when I am leaving I run into Krista. For a moment neither of us says anything and I start replaying our last argument, which were our last words.
“Hey, Pais,” she says like nothing ever happened.
“Krista . . .” I reply.
“Where is your sailor?” She is looking around for Jake. She knows he would never come to a party like this. Drugs and booze everywhere.
“Well, we broke up. He is back home in Kansas.” She is about to apologize, and I stop her, “See, when he ripped my heart out and I was bleeding out, I really needed my best friend, the girl who knew every fear and insecurity I had. Instead that girl had left me at the beach one night to never speak to me again. So between you and him, you have finally broken me.” I turn to walk away.
“Pais. Wait.” I don’t and keep on walking. She is high as a kite and nothing she says means anything to me now. She should have called me back; she should try talking to me when she is sober. I stop, almost relenting and going back to her, wondering if she felt the way I did when Tim left her. I start walking again; I would have never done what she did. If she wants me in her life, she can call me and figure out a way.
I leave the party and drive. I end up in front of the beach house, where one relationship began and another ended. I have faced them both tonight and I hope I have put them to rest. I stare at the weathered wood and search out nooks and crannies where promises were made, kisses stolen, secrets shared and friendships started. It seems so long ago, but each memory is fresh in my mind. After sitting and staring for hours, letting every memory and emotion wash over me, I tell that house and those people good bye and drive home.
Thanksgiving is approachin
g and Kara has found a job at a doctor’s office and has now moved in with my mom and Marcus. She still hasn’t filed for divorce, but Rick is getting dishonorably discharged for going AWOL. He is going back to Tampa and she could give two-shits. Tristan moved back home and is with his longtime girlfriend, something he forgot to mention to her. She is not taking the news well and is back to her ways before we met. Partying and sleeping around. She is a train wreck waiting to happen and my family is picking up the slack with Adaleigh.
I enrolled in college classes, starting in January and night classes again. I can only take two because of my babysitting hours, but I figure it is a start on the path of making my dreams come true. I thought I would recapture the dreams of pre-Jake, after all I was so angry at everyone for making me change them, but while searching out courses, and trying to recapture what my life could have been . . . something happened. I realized dreams change, they evolve with you. I wanted to be an attorney so bad, and felt it was being ripped away. I found out the hard way, Jake was really my dream. Without him to share the highs and lows of my life, I am struggling to find another dream. I don’t have a passion about anything anymore. I am waiting for something to spark that fire inside me, because right now I am a burnt out candle, shedding no light on my path in life.
Chapter 25
Paisley (Ellis)
Your best teacher is your last mistake.
Ralph Nader
Christmas was uneventful in my life. Spoiling Adaleigh was the highlight of everyone’s day, except for Kara’s. She is so mixed up and caught up in her own world, living her youth she forgets she has another life dependent on her. My mom doesn’t seem to mind, she is turning Adaleigh into a mini-her, but that little girl still lights up when she sees me.
New Year’s Eve marked a turn of events for me. I went out with Kara, to a downtown spot, The Landing. I was letting my guard down and enjoying the evening and Kara seemed to be in a mellow mood. She was a bit irritated that Krista had been texting me, and I was beginning to see it was her own insecurities. Kara had not had many girlfriends so she was possessive of me. Krista and I weren’t what we once were, but we had talked about getting dinner soon.
Sitting outside at a bar, two guys walk up to us. Kara immediately starts chatting and flirting with the blonde guy, his name is Steve, and his friend Ellis is making small talk with me. He isn’t bad looking, just average. Maybe that is what I need. Several drinks later, we start the get to know you questions. Lo and behold this asshole is in the Navy. How is it three damn years ago, I really had no clue we had a Navy base, let alone two in my hometown and now that is all I can meet. Fuck me walking, sideways. His profession automatically puts me off and only excites Kara more. After some coercion on Ellis’s part we exchange numbers.
What started out as a slow courtship has now turned into a relationship of three months, and tonight I finally had sex with him. The earth didn’t move and I didn’t get off, but I didn’t’ have a meltdown with someone other than Jake touching me so I will count that as a positive. I feel sick lying here now. I took that last piece of Jake away from me. I had avoided sex with anyone until now, and that weight cripples me. I don’t know why, he is having sex with other people, or shall I say his wife. Ellis notices something is wrong and says the kiss of death to me, “I love you, Paisley.” Nope, we don’t use that word. Not at all. I don’t do love, I can have a semi-healthy relationship without love being factored in. I don’t respond and hear his heavy sigh.
That doesn’t scare him away and now six months into our relationship we are heading to Ohio to visit his family. We have fun together, laugh and cut up, but something is missing. Something is always missing with me. He seems jittery the closer we get to his hometown and I question him, “Ellis, what is wrong?”
“There is something I have to tell you.” Of course, isn’t there always. “I am going through a divorce and my mom isn’t happy you are coming. She is a strict Catholic and doesn’t believe in divorce and neither does my ex.”
“You are married, currently?”
“Separated, but yes.” Are you fucking kidding me right now? I give up, truly give up. I get it, I fucked up in my past life, but haven’t I been punished enough? I’ve hurt people, is this my retribution? I’ve been hurt enough and I don’t think I have done something so awful my life has become one big comedic routine.
“I’m not going to your house. Take me to a hotel and I will get a flight out tomorrow.” I don’t know if it is my tone of voice or what, but he doesn’t argue with me. The next day I am home telling Kara this horrendous story.
“Paisley, I am moving back to Canada.”
“What?” I don’t think I heard her right. Sure, her parents have been more approachable since she had Adaleigh. That girl can change anyone, but moving back there is a big step.
“Rick’s grandmother wants to see Adaleigh. I found out from a friend that because we were married in Hillsborough county and I have been gone for six months, that if I step back in the county they can serve me with papers for custody. I can’t do that. I have to think about Adaleigh and Rick is using her for his grandmother’s money. We have to go, that is the only way I can keep her.”
“When are you leaving?”
“Next week. My dad flies in and driving back with us. We are going to cross the border in a different place just in case he files papers.” I go home and scream and get drunk. I plead with God to stop punishing me. I promise him I will do better, whatever he wants of me. I can’t take anymore. I am going to miss Adaleigh growing up, I am losing another best friend and I am getting pretty tired of relying on myself.
Saying goodbye is never easy, but not knowing when you are going to see the person again is truly heart breaking. It isn’t as if she is dying, but part of me is. And Adaleigh; I was there for her first steps, her first words, her temper tantrums and she is the light in my life. Without her I am once again in the dark. With many tears and promises to visit I watch the last part of my life drive away.
Ellis comes back a few days later, full of apologies and promises and I cave. I don’t care, it is easier than fighting and he is a warm body. Classes are going good and I decided to major in marketing and business. I want to meet people, change lives, and experience new things. I won’t let Ellis move in but I need a roommate so I can start saving money. I want a nice nest egg because I swear when I graduate I am picking a state on the map and starting over there.
His friend, Steve wants to move off the ship and so we come to a mutual agreement of splitting everything half way down the middle and I have a roommate. I don’t know why Ellis is bitchy, but he will not move in with me. That is too much, and I let him sleep over twice a week. Maybe once his divorce is final he can afford a place on his own because as of now he is still supporting a wife.
My twentieth birthday passes without any major crisis or celebration. I have a small party and we all get drunk, but that is a typical weekend. Krista shows up and seems to be somewhat sober. She has gone through a lot of changes in life. Her mom and step dad saw the error in their ways with the way she was raised and after a year of therapy they are mending their relationship. She is a better person than I am, my mom didn’t abuse me and I am still having trouble finding a middle ground with her. I am angry with her. I feel like if she wouldn’t have let me be an adult at such a young age, and maybe showed some parenting in her decisions, I wouldn’t be where I am now. I know she wants to be my friend, but be my parent first. She doesn’t get it, but truthfully she never will.
I start looking at duplexes. I am tired of paying out the ass for rent and can own much cheaper. I find the cutest two bedroom duplex with a fenced in yard and my offer is accepted. Steve will still be my roommate and has become one of my best friends. Ellis still isn’t moving in, but he is still around. I do nothing but work, school, and party. It is a vicious cycle and taking its toll on me physically.
With my twenty-first birthday approaching, I decide on one last hoorah and then
time to get serious about taking care of myself. I graduate with my Associates degree in December and then I can begin working a normal job. Steve and Ellis invite all their friends and my parents are coming and it is going to be huge. Dave and Ben from the apartment come by. Krista stops by briefly and we are talking in my room.
“Pais, I know I don’t have the right to ask you, but why are you with Ellis?”
I shrug my shoulders. I honestly don’t know.
“If he proposes to you right now, what would you say?”
“No.”
“You need to start living again. You are me, after I lost Tim, and I was a miserable human being who self-destructed. You are doing the same thing.”
“Not quite, Krista. I don’t bail on people.” It may be a low blow, but a true statement.
“You are wrong there. You are bailing on the most important person, yourself.” And touché. She has me there. Ellis walks in and he looks panicked. I don’t know if he was listening in or what, but he drops to his knee and pulls out a jeweler’s box.
“No,” I scream. He looks crestfallen. I won’t let him ask me, and then reject him. He spends the night begging and pleading with me until I ask Steve to make him leave. I am not keeping score, but two broken engagements, two proposals and an almost proposal isn’t looking well on my resume.
Chapter 26
Paisley
In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility.
Eleanor Roosevelt
With Kara gone, a new job and endless people in and out of my house I feel like I have never settled. Steve has all his Navy buddies over and I love most of them, but sometimes the endless sexual innuendos they throw at me get on my last nerve. I took a job at an upcoming MRI manufacturer, and I am busy traveling during the week. I like the hustle and bustle of meeting someone new each day, selling a company and machine that can change lives. We are concentrating on getting it in smaller hospitals and facilities and once our name speaks for itself, I will create the marketing plans for bigger hospitals.
Pieces of Paisley Page 19
