“I have always wanted it to be you. I went to sleep with every night and woke up with every morning. I didn’t have you physically but with that image, I had your face to tide me over until you were back in my arms.”
“Jake . . .” I don’t let her finish before I grab her by the waist and spin her around towards me. I capture her mouth with mine and I am home. I pour all the hurt and pain I have felt by losing her into this kiss. I have to let her know that she is my one and only. Always has been and there is no getting over her. I have to make her understand that we belong together. When I feel her arms wrap around my neck and her hands fist my hair, I deepen the kiss. I let my air become her air and we are breathing for one another. I want to be sealed to her forever, and if I can brand her with one kiss, that is my goal.
I don’t break the kiss as I pick her up and place her on the bed. When I don’t get any protests from her, I pull back. “I love you, Paisley. You are where you should have been all these years.”
“I love you, Jake. There is so much more to say, but please just give me tonight.”
“I will give you forever, if you let me.” I wipe the tears leaking from her eyes and take her mouth with mine again.
Chapter 40
Paisley
I was dying but suddenly had a second chance at living.
Shelley Fabares
I can’t believe I am here. I feel like it is every dream and nightmare mixed together in this moment. I don’t have time to think before his mouth descends on mine again and I feel it in my toes. I am desperate for the connection and feeling only he can bring me. My senses are on overload and as soon as I feel his hand graze down my neck towards my collarbone I snap. All the pent up energy I have suppressed unleashes on him. I feel like I am manic, and I throw all common sense out the window and physically claw at his back, I need him closer; if I could crawl inside of him at this moment I would.
I rip his shirt over his head needing to feel his skin. He helps me make quick work of the rest of his clothes, and he is hovering above me completely bare. In soul and physical stature. He begins undressing me and I can’t be patient anymore. I stand from the bed and hastily remove my clothes, ripping buttons off my shirt in the process. “Slow down, beautiful. I am right here.” I can’t slow down. I don’t know how to explain the urgency that has come over me, but I have to see him, taste him, and feel him fill me like no other has ever done. His stare sweeps down my body and his nostrils flare in desire. I gently push him down and crawl on top of him.
I don’t kiss his lips, instead I start at the top of his head and rain kisses down his face to his ear. I gently bite it and tug it between my lips and his hands grip my waist and he exhales with a moan. I can feel him against my stomach, rock hard and ready for release. I nip his skin then follow the bites with my tongue. When I reach his stomach I trace each abdominal muscle with my tongue and feel him shudder beneath me. I am eye-level with his cock, and I gently lick the head of him and watch him throw his head back in ecstasy. He is so lost in sensation, and I am the one making him feel like this. I take my hand and slowly begin sucking my fingers in my mouth to get them wet, and his eyes flare with passion. Once I have what I need I wrap my hand around the base of him and gently squeeze and tug, stroking him long and slow. I make sure he sees and feels each lick and suck I give him.
Slowly I take him in my mouth as far as I can and keep my hand on the base of his dick. I suck as hard as I can and slowly drag my mouth up to the tip and dip my tongue in his slit that is now releasing some of his essence. I release the head of him from my mouth with a loud pop and he thrusts his hips up towards my mouth, already missing the contact. I continue this . . . sucking hard, raising up and slowly releasing him. He tries to pull me up and release him, but I won’t allow it. I need to taste him, receive everything he has to give. Once I have him at the back of my throat, I suck as hard as I can and swallow and it throws him over the edge. I greedily swallow every drop he gives me and want more. “God, Paisley. I need you,” he growls at me.
I finally release him and as I start to crawl back up his body he flips us over and kisses me like a starving man. “I want you,” I whisper in his mouth.
“You have me,” he says as he stares into my eyes. He takes my mouth softly, not the bruising kisses we were just exchanging. He is using his tongue to massage my lips and tongue; as his hands begin to rub and grasp each inch of my body he can reach, I am on sensory overload. He is not touching me sexually anywhere, just sensually worshipping my body and it is almost too much. He flips me over to straddle him, and I start grinding on him. Gently he takes one of my nipples in his mouth, sucking and nipping as his fingers find the other one and lightly pinch and tongue. I am about to let go when his fingers from the other hand finds my clit and gently rubs figure eights around it, and occasionally allows one finger to enter me. I need more, “Jake, please . . .” He keeps up his torturous pace and my body is literally humming.
Just when I feel like I can’t take it anymore, he slips his finger inside and allows me to ride his hand. The friction from his tongue and finger on my nipples and me fucking his hand makes me combust. I see stars, and as the orgasm continues throughout my body he never stops his ministration on my body and when I finally start coming down, he flips me over once again and makes love to my mouth. I feel him hard and ready again, but I need a minute.
Jake isn’t going to give me a minute, he spreads my legs as wide as they will go and licks me from my clit to ass. I am a bundle of nerves and am close to coming yet again. I am already so slick from my last orgasm; he inserts two fingers in me and flips his wrist so his palm is facing up. When he sucks my clit in his mouth and gives it gentle licks and starts moving his fingers in a forward motion, like he is beckoning me to come to him, I come. Loud, hard and just as intense as the first one. I don’t know how he is so in tune with my body, but it is like his instrument. He plays it so well; he has all the chords memorized. I want to feel him buried deep within me; I need to feel like we are one again.
I allow him to kiss up my stomach and when he gets to my neck and bites down, I grip his hair and grind up into his stomach. “I need to be inside you, I need to feel you milk my cock. I won’t be able to be slow this time, beautiful.” That was music to my ears, and I don’t want him to be gentle. I want him to pound me, make me feel him in every inch of my body; I want the punishment thrusts and the soreness I will feel tomorrow. Just thinking of it has my core clenching and I decide to show him.
Chapter 41
Jake
Love does not claim possession, but gives freedom.
Rabindranath Tagore
She just gave me one of the most explosive orgasms I have ever had, and I watched her come on my hand and mouth twice, and I still need more. As soon as I tell her what I need I feel her squeeze her legs together and before I know it she is climbing on me. “Is this what you need Jake,” she tells me in a hoarse whisper. She follows her words up by grabbing my cock and teasing her entrance. I flip her to her stomach and position her up on her knees. I want to be able to see her and touch her, but right now I need her to feel I am the only one who can give her this.
I don’t touch any part of her body I glide myself in her and go as deep as I can with no help from her. “Don’t move,” I tell her. I slide in and out not allowing her to push against me and I still won’t let any part of my body touch her. “Is this what you needed?” I ask her.
“Yes, God, yes,” she moans. “I need more, I need to feel you and ache for you.” She is begging me. I can’t give her what she wants this way, so I pull out and tell her, “Lay down and spread your legs.” She immediately obeys me. I was always more dominant with her in the bedroom, and she thinks she doesn’t like people to control her, but she craves it in bed. I grab a few pillows and put them under her ass. I situate myself on knees and grab her until we are lined up. Not giving her a chance to prepare I slam into her with one hard push. I continue that pace and then slow when I see
her hooded eyes and feel her clench around me. I have just denied her release and she is begging again, “Please, Jake. I need it.” I bring her hand down to her clit and cover it with my own and begin rubbing both our fingers, massaging over it with gentle strokes. I begin to fuck her again and remove my hands so I can hold on to her hips and keep her from moving. I stop all movement and watch her grind herself on my dick that is already impaling her and rub herself. I damn near explode when she climaxes all over me, but I hold off. I need to give her everything I have.
I fall back on the bed and bring her with me, “Ride me, Paisley,” I tell her and after a few moments she does. Raising up and slamming back down on me, every few times she will stop and rub herself over me. She has me on edge and I want her to come one more time. “Again, Paisley, let me feel you all over my dick.” I feel her clenching and fighting it, so I push up as she is coming down and watch as she spins out of control. I am lost in her, the shape of her mouth as she screams my name, the way she feels wrapped around me, watching her nipples harden even more. It is all overwhelming and yet feels so right. Once she has come down from her own orgasm, I start pounding into her, searching for my own release. She leans back and cups my balls, presses her finger into the spot between my dick and ass and clenches her pussy muscles around me, and I feel like my head will explode from the orgasm ripping through me. I may have blacked out for a moment, because when I catch my breath and open my eyes, she is collapsed on my chest with a satisfied look on her face, “What in the fuck was that, Paisley?”
“Payback for all the ones you gave me,” and we both laugh. I run some water over a washcloth and come back to the bed to clean her up. Once I am done, I turn off all the lights and settle back in bed. I pull her to me, “Home,” is all I can say as I inhale her scent and hold on to her. I feel myself drifting off and pray that this wasn’t a dream. I can’t believe after all this time, I am falling asleep with her in my arms again. I don’t look at her picture like I do every night because I have the real thing in my arms.
I don’t know how long I have been asleep when I hear a chirping noise. I am too tired to fully open my eyes, but the noise stops and I see the bathroom light come on. Paisley must be in there, I roll over and gravitate towards the warmth she just left and fall back asleep knowing in the morning I get to wake up with her, and we can slowly begin our lives again.
My alarm wakes me up, and I grin to myself thinking of last night and decide today I will definitely call in to work. I never miss and have so much vacation time built up, that today I am going to spend convincing Paisley that this can work. I make enough money; she doesn’t have to go back to that job. I want to take her and show her the house, because I know without a doubt she will love it. I want Laura to meet her, and I have no concerns there. My girls will be in heaven and fall in love with each other. I reach out to hold her and wake her up properly, but she isn’t in bed. I sit up and look around the bedroom. I don’t see her and the bathroom door is open, and she isn’t in there. I run to the living room, looking in the kitchen, she isn’t there. I retrace all my steps, and then I see the note on her pillow.
“I love you, and I am so very sorry. You deserve more than me, Jake. I have fucked up, again. Please be happy, move on and build your dreams with someone who is worthy of them.
All my love,
Paisley
I can’t believe this. After everything we have been through these last years, and she leaves me again . . . with a note. God damn her and her bullshit. This time I am finally done. I can’t do this with her and wonder. She gave me the closure I needed, and I know this time it is really over. I understand this is what is meant to be, but why does it hurt so badly?
I still take the day off and go visit my mom. I tell her about seeing her without any details that we spent the night together, but when I woke up she was gone.
“Jake, I have to tell you something. She is engaged.”
“No, she didn’t have a ring. I looked.” Hell, I felt her hands on every inch of me.
“I made her take it off at dinner. It was crushing her. I told her to take it off and see how she felt without it . . . to be the real Paisley. Guess where that led her? To you. She doesn’t love him like that, Jake. He is her friend, her safety guard so she doesn’t have to feel anything. She is yours in heart and soul. What are you going to do?”
A huge part of me wants to say fuck it and not do anything, but I made that mistake once and paid dearly for it. “How long until the wedding?”
My mom grins at me, “Five weeks.”
“Well then I guess I have five weeks to come up with a plan,” I high-five her and go home to start expediting some things.
Chapter 42
Paisley
I was born when you kissed me. I died when you left me. I lived a few weeks while you loved me.
Humphrey Bogart
I hadn’t heard from Wayne since the morning before I left and he picks now to call me. I was snuggled in the arms of the man who owns my heart and I had to sneak in the bathroom to have this conversation.
He is drunk, “You still coming home tomorrow?” I can hear the bitterness in his voice. I don’t want to hurt him, but how can I leave Jake again?
“Is there a reason I wouldn’t?” I want to ease into this and create the least amount of pain I can.
“You mean you didn’t have a reunion with the love of your life?” I can hear the pain in his voice. It hits me then, I am a cheater. I don’t love Wayne like that, but we are in a committed relationship. I just fucking cheated on someone, and I swore I would never be that person. The majority of my pain comes from knowing somehow I had betrayed Jake. I never told him I was getting married, never told him about Wayne and I didn’t have my fucking ring on. I just did the lying by omission that I accused him of. I held that sin over his head the last seven years, whenever I went to the place in my life I allowed myself to miss him, to yearn for him, I reminded myself about his lies. I just did the same fucking thing.
“I will be home tomorrow, as scheduled. Nothing has changed.” I know he hears the lack of emotion in my voice. I feel dead . . . deflated. I have nothing left in me to give to anyone. I just ruined the one thing in my life that I had passion about. I can’t tell him what a horrible person I am. He has a daughter and I am no role model. Leaving him this time will kill me and nobody will pick up the pieces.
“Are you sure?” His voice has taken on wariness.
“Yes, I will be there.” I can’t tell him I am sure, at this moment I am not even sure when I can take my next breath without the excruciating pain that is radiating through my body. I hang up without another word and look at myself in the bathroom mirror. I am vile, horrendous, and the worst type of person there is. I am no better than Kara in this moment, she brought so much pain and betrayal into my life, and here I am doing the same thing to Jake and Wayne. I want to believe that if I tell Jake the truth, we can work it out. I know that isn’t the case, his whole outlook on me will change and I know I can’t handle seeing him hate me.
Walking into the bedroom and seeing him curled up with my pillow from the spot I just left about kills my resolve. I want to get right back in the bed and hold on tight, never letting him go. That is not an option now. I kick myself mentally for allowing things to get so out of control with us, but all it took was one touch, one kiss and he awakened me. In his arms, in his life was the one place I could exist and now I don’t have that option. I try and find my clothes, but my shirt is destroyed from my antics last night. I shove it in my purse and pick his shirt up and slip it over my head. I inhale and rub the material against my cheek, catching the tears I didn’t know I was shedding. I leave him a note, explaining the best I can that I am not the right one for him, and hope he can truly find the one that is worthy of him. It will kill me to leave, but his happiness is my only solace. I have to believe he will go on.
Once in my car I allow my emotions to overcome me. I wail, long loud sobs and have a hard time ca
tching my breath. I wipe my face and nose with the back of my hand and then down my skirt. I need to get back to the hotel, gather my things and pray there is an earlier flight. I can’t handle a face to face if Jake decides to come after me this time. Turning the key in the ignition the radio is blaring from last night, I had turned it up to drown out my nerves from seeing him again. Rascal Flatts is singing, ‘Here Comes Goodbye,’ and I don’t know how I made it the thirty miles to my hotel. I rush in and grab my suitcase, calling the front desk to see if there is an earlier flight. Luckily, one leaves in two hours and they get me switched. I throw everything in my suitcase, and jump in the shower. I hate washing him off of me, but I scrub and scrub, somehow thinking that will make me clean. I wonder if my father felt like this every time he cheated on my mom, is this why he finally left. I guess blood is thicker than water because I have become the cheater, the person always leaving. I was always afraid of being left, and it is always me doing it. I become sick in the shower, throwing up over and over and doing nothing but sobbing during the process of purging my soul. I don’t even promise myself I will be a better person, I don’t think I have that in me.
I dress in my jeans and shirt, I throw the clothes I wore yesterday away, but can’t bring myself to trash Jake’s shirt. I fold it and place it in the bottom of my carry-on bag after inhaling him one more time. I have to go home and face my reality, and make a decision if I will lie to Wayne or tell him the truth and let the chips fall where they lie. He never said this would be a deal breaker, just when I walked down the aisle that was it. I feel like getting on the plane will be it for me. I check out of the hotel and on the way to my car, I pass a man smoking. “Can I bum a cigarette from you?” I ask him. He obliges and lights it for me. One drag of the nicotine in my lungs has me hacking and choking on my saliva. I walk to my car waiting on the calm to come over me that a cigarette always helped. Instead, Krista’s face pops in my head and her words haunt me. I let her down, I went about this the wrong way and instead of honoring her memory and wishes, and I feel like I just killed them along with her. It is time to put both to rest.
Pieces of Paisley Page 27
