I don’t get any peace from my mind on the plane, and I arrive to Wayne waiting at the house. “You look like hell, Paisley. What happened to you?”
I look up at him and with tears brimming in my eyes, I tell him. “I saw him.” Those are the only words I utter, and he is engulfing me in a hug while I soak the front of his shirt with my tears. I don’t have the words to destroy one more life.
“It will be okay. Are you sure he is your past?”
“He is my everything, but he has to be my past. It would kill him if he realized the deception I just caused.” I tell him without words what he needs to know. He just nods at me and holds me tighter.
“You know there is always a way. Love conquers all.”
“Not the kind of love I offer. I always put conditions on it, I taint it, and I won’t do that to him.”
“Paisley, I was an ass before you left. I am putting my feelings before yours, and I want you to know we will always be friends. No matter what. I am a bit skeptical about our future, but I want to put our pasts behind us and build our future if you are still willing. I can’t promise you love, or a whirlwind romance, but I can give you stability, friendship, and a sure future.” I allow myself to be swayed in a decision I am not sure of one more time as I agree.
Chapter 43
Jake
Relationships are eternal. The 'separation' is another chapter in the relationship. Often, letting go of the old form of the relationship becomes a lesson in pure love much deeper than any would have learned had the couple stayed together.
Marianne Williamson
I have officially unloaded the last box from the moving van and am awaiting the arrival of my new furniture. Little Ms. Laura and I made fast work of deciding colors, hiring painters and packing up my meager belongings. Just three weeks after the most miserable morning of my life, I am almost settled. We are missing a vital occupant in our house, but all in good time that will be remedied. The focal point in my mind was a godsend and I scoured the Internet until I found it. I can’t wait for Paisley to see it, and realize this is her home. I refuse to let doubt cloud my mind, I am on a one-man mission, and I won’t fail.
I don’t have all my plans finalized, but within the next ten days, I will. I have no choice and I want her to have no choice but to choose me, to choose the life she deserves to have. I know why she ran without her ever having to tell me. Once my mom told me about the ring, the best friend back home, and I took into consideration everything she has been through, and I knew she loved me. I just can’t wait until she realizes I am her happily ever after. Without each other, we are a shell of ourselves and together we are one. I know there is a possibility I can fail at this, but I can’t dwell on that because I simply cannot imagine life without her.
The next days are a flurry of activity . . . unpacking, arranging, and buying many new frames. I have stopped hiding from my past and it is proudly displayed throughout my home along with many blank picture frames and empty spaces for us to fill together. Laura knows something big is happening, she just doesn’t know what. I have held off telling her our plans because I needed to talk to Mick and Lisa about them, not for their approval really but to give them a heads up what will be happening in our daughter’s life. Plus, if you tell a nine year old what is happening to far in advance, you will never get a moments peace.
Right now I feel the void that Paisley feels every day. I want to call a friend of hers to get some help with my plans, but I have nobody to call. I am not sure her mom will be down with my intentions, and I don’t want anything to ruin them, but I could use some help on the inside, instead I have to be meticulous about every step and hope there are no delays. I find myself lost in thought as I stare at a picture of her sitting on that ratty couch, holding a wine cooler, the night of her seventeenth birthday. It was before the shit hit the fan, and she was happy. Really happy . . . and you can see it. She is staring at the camera, which I was standing behind, beaming at me and the love emoting from her face still can bring me to my knees.
Laura comes up behind me, “Daddy, what you doing?” she startles me out of my memories.
“Just looking at pictures.”
“Why do you have that girl everywhere? Is she going to be my new mommy?”
“Maybe, baby.” I don’t want to give her too much hope, “That girl is another one I love, besides you. Is that okay?”
“If she gives you that goofy look on your face, it is okay. Why don’t I know her if you love her?”
“It is not that easy to explain, sweetpea. Sometimes adults are difficult but I am hoping to work it out.” She gives me her best ‘duh’ expression before running up to a picture of Paisley and I when we got engaged.
“You were so young, Daddy. And she is really pretty. I want her to fix my hair like hers.” I miss that innocence of having the utmost faith in life. Her biggest issue is what flavor ice cream she will eat, and that makes me happy. It means we have done our job keeping her happy and grounded.
“Yep, Daddy was young, and so was that girl. Sometimes we have to grow up to realize what we want in life.”
“What is her name?”
“Paisley.”
“I like it, but I want to call her Mommy since I call you Daddy,” I don’t know what I did to deserve this trusting little girl, but I hope I keep doing it.
“Let’s not rush things, Laura. We have to get her to agree to come back here with us?” I realize my mistake when her eyes get big, and she hops up and down with excitement.
“When do we go get her Daddy?”
“In a day, baby. We are going on a plane, and that is why we have to make the house perfect. And grandma and grandpa are going with us, so you have to listen and behave for them.” I know it isn’t an issue with her, but sometimes she will push her boundaries with them.
“I promise, Daddy. You won’t even know I am there.” She winks at me. As much as it terrifies me to have her and Paisley as a pair because I will be doomed, they both have me wrapped.
Chapter 44
Paisley
I spent a lot of years trying to outrun or outsmart vulnerability by making things certain and definite, black and white, good and bad. My inability to lean into the discomfort of vulnerability limited the fullness of those important experiences that are wrought with uncertainty: Love, belonging, trust, joy, and creativity to name a few.
Brene Brown
The last weeks have been hell. I am fucking tired all the time, I don’t sleep, and if I manage to doze off I replay that night over and over. Wayne is being somewhat of a saint, as he isn’t getting laid, and I am a bitch. Pre-wedding jitters is what his mom and mine are chalking it up to, and I am too miserable to correct them. I just want to tell them I am just a bitch and this is what they can expect from me from this point forward, but I know I have to snap out of it. I hope actually going through with this wedding will allow me to leave my past where it needs to be . . . in the past. I don’t dread my future; I just don’t have any at all. I know Wayne and I are compatible, there won’t be ups and downs, just smooth sailing, but suddenly that doesn’t appear as promising as it once did. I feel like I am starting a cycle with my future children that shows them it is okay to just settle and that is not a lesson I want them to have. I want them to be fierce, to go after their dreams and that nothing is unobtainable if it is worth it. I will have to work on that so I am not a failure to my children.
The only decision I have made sure I got my way on for this wedding was the song I would walk down the aisle to, ‘Amazed’ by Lonestar. It was the song Jake and I chose together and I wanted a sense of familiarity on this day, one thing that didn’t make me want to run away. I luckily got away with keeping the ceremony small, our parents and a few friends. I invited Eric, as a fill in for Krista and he agreed to come.
Before heading to the ceremony, I go see Krista. I have become very familiar with her grave, and I think I talk to her more than anyone else. I can’t see or hear her judgment. I know
she wouldn’t cast any on me, but she would have given me plenty of unsolicited advice and right now I would give anything to hear it. It was on my way here that I realized I am over two weeks late and I hope like hell it is nerves or stress, but I know I have to make sure before walking down that aisle. I made Wayne a promise that once I did, it was a lifetime commitment, and I needed all the facts before doing that to any of us. “Krista, what am I going to do? I can’t raise Jake’s baby with Wayne, and I can’t raise Jake’s baby with Jake. He didn’t want kids with me before, and now once he realizes what type of person I am, he sure as shit won’t want me to have his child. I need you here; we could run off together, to a different country and live our Thelma and Louise lifestyle. I will even let you have Brad Pitt. Eric is coming today, I will make sure to tell him you love him and I hope today he remembers how you looked walking towards him the day you pledged your love . . . you gave him forever, your forever and if you didn’t know I am so proud of you What you overcame, what you did with your life, I wish you were here with me right now to give me a swift kick in the ass or tell me what to do. Ironic isn’t it? I used to bitch about everyone telling me what to do and now I crave it.” I stand up and place a rose from my bouquet on her headstone and make my way over to my car. I have one more stop to make on the way to the church.
My mom is, of course, freaking out because I am a big three minutes late from the time she specified for me to get here. I hate to tell her but I am going to put her precious schedule behind because this is my rodeo and I will do what I see fit. I have a bit of rebel in me and the first order of business is informing her I won’t wear the heels she has chosen. I am wearing flats, because if I need to be a runaway bride, they make for a quicker escape. Right now, I could use some of that champagne she is sipping on but I can’t ‘just in case.’ She crushes the damn tiara on my head and pulls my hair forward. “Perfect,” she whispers. It takes everything in me to not roll my eyes.
“Mom, just go sit down. I can manage my dress on my own, and I really need a minute,” I pour on the sweetness and hope she doesn’t realize I am ten seconds away from going nuclear. Luckily, she dabs her eyes with her tissue and heads out the door. Holy fucking shit, and yes I am aware I am probably going to hell for that sentiment in a church. I hurry and put my dress on, grab my bouquet where I have attached Krista’s class ring on a ribbon, and slip into the bathroom across the hall, sans shoes. I have the pregnancy test, and it is now or never. As well as I can in this dress, I maneuver myself over the toilet and pee on the stick. I read the directions to find out how long I have to wait, I don’t know why people read directions on these things beforehand . . . they are all read by pee, only one way to get that. Five minutes . . . seems like a short time frame, unless you are staring at this white stick waiting for one line or two, then five minutes is like an eternity.
Time’s up . . . and Jake . . . you are the father! I sound like an imitation of Maury Povich right about now, and those thoughts fly out of my head when I hear the beginning of that god-forsaken song. Why did I choose it again? It is like I am being reminded of my sins over and over and I have officially crashed and burned.
Chapter 45
Jake
Absence from whom we love is worse than death, and frustrates hope severer than despair.
William Cowper
I am not sure what the proper etiquette for stopping a wedding is, but I sure as shit am not waiting for the part where they ask you if anyone has any objections. I am stopping her before she takes one step down the aisle towards anyone else. We pull up in front of the church and I know I am gambling with all of our futures here but I won’t let that bother me. My future, my bride and the love of my life is inside that church and I am about to claim her in front of God and everyone. The plan is for Laura and my mom and Brian to wait outside because if there is a scene I don’t want Laura to witness any of it. If this turns into the best day of my life, I want her to be a part of it but she doesn’t need to see the shit storm her dad is about to cause.
I walk into the church, looking around to see if I can guess where she will be getting dressed. I notice a man standing off to the side eyeing me warily, and I wonder if that is him. The announcement of their wedding I found online didn’t have a picture of him, so I don’t know whose life I am about to bust up. He starts walking towards me in a casual way, and when he gets within a few feet a fucking grin flashes across his face. “Jake?” he asks me.
“Yeah, and you are?” I know I am acting like a steroidal jerk, but I need to cover all my bases.
“Eric, I am Krista’s husband,” he says. “Or I guess you could say I am her widow.” My heart really breaks for this guy. “I was wondering if this farce of a wedding was going to happen, glad to see you manned the fuck up and came to get what is yours.” I would love to have a beer with this guy and I have only known him for two seconds.
“Do you know where she is?” He seems like he will be my ally in this.
“I do, but first I think you need to meet someone else.” He turns and heads towards a door to the right of the steps. I follow not sure where he is taking me. I hope I didn’t misjudge this dude and get locked in some remote room until I am too late.
He clears his throat, “Can I have a minute alone?” he addresses the room. I see a few men make their way out, and he nods at me to follow him.
“Wayne, this is Jake. You two need to talk,” he closes the door behind him. Fuck, this is really going down like this. I size up the man in front of me, and he doesn’t seem that intimidating. He could hold his own I am sure, but he doesn’t seem like he is going to start anything.
“Was wondering when this day was going to happen,” he tells me matter-of-fact like.
“Sorry it has to be today, but she didn’t give me any other choice,” I am laying my cards out for him. I am going to respect him enough to let him know what is going to happen, but I hope he doesn’t mistake that for weakness because I would go through hell for that girl.
“She is a bit stubborn, that one. I don’t know what is proper here, am I supposed to wish you luck or challenge you to a duel,” he chuckles at me. He seems more resigned to what is happening than upset.
“Do you love her?” I want a simple answer. This is either going to be hard or he is going to make it extremely easy. I can’t say I would back down either way, but I need to know the truth.
“Yes, but not like you. She is beautiful, I respect her, but she is my best friend, not my soul mate.” How can you not love her like that?
“She was your best friend, today she becomes my best friend, my wife and my forever,” I meet his gaze and let him study me so he knows I am giving him no room for negotiation.
“Top of the stairs to the left,” he tells me. “Jake, I will be in her life forever, but I respect you a hell of a lot right now. I don’t want any issues with us, but I promised her I would always be her friend, and I meant it. Don’t hurt her.”
I take off up the stairs. Halfway up there I hear our song start. I stop in my tracks and feel like I have been sucker-punched in the gut. How could she use that song? I remind myself I used our date the first time . . . and tit for tat, but that isn’t Paisley. Then it hits me, the only way she could make it down the aisle is to that song, what we were going to start our future together, and I know I haven’t lost her. I start back up the stairs this time taking them two at a time. She isn’t in the room and I panic. Where could she be?
I walk out the door ready to tear this place apart and notice a door I missed. It is clearly marked as a restroom, and I can tell it is occupied when I try the door. I knock once and don’t get a response. I can hear movement from the other door and I know she is there. I bang again and get no response. I need her to answer and I am frantic. I go all in and start banging like hell on the door and she still isn’t answering me. The thoughts running through my head aren’t slowing my heartbeat down and all I know is I have to get her. I guess all the commotion has garnered an a
udience at the bottom of the stairs, but Eric and Wayne are handling it. I crash through the door and I see her standing on the toilet sliding the window up.
As much as I want to laugh at her dramatics, the fear in her eyes stops me. I don’t even realize I have tears on my own cheeks; I was so scared when I couldn’t get to her. She looks like a caged animal and is still trying to find a way to escape.
“Paisley,” I gently call at to her. She shakes her head a few times and is on the verge of a full blown panic attack. “Beautiful, calm down. I am here for you.” I reassure her.
“W-w-what are you doing here?”
“I decided to fight this time.”
She cries softly, “Why couldn’t you have fought last time? I wouldn’t be here, you wouldn’t hate me, and this would not be tearing my fucking heart out.” I don’t know what she is talking about.
“I don’t hate you, I could never hate you. I love you, Paisley. The day I met you, all I wanted was all of you. I said that day that I wanted to know all of you, to strip you down layer by layer. I told you I was sorry for not being the glue to hold you together. I realized when you left me that you had given me every piece of you and I hadn’t put them together. You gave me your past, your youth, and even when we were apart, I still had you. I had your heart, and that is a gift I want to treasure and keep forever. I am asking you for one final piece, Paisley. I need your future, I need you to be mine, forever.” I hold my breath waiting for her answer.
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