by Zoe Dawson
Her expression lit with warm concern, she leaned closer and looked me in the eyes. “No matter how scared and alone you feel, you’re not.”
I wiped my eyes again and let out a shaky sigh. I wasn’t alone. I had Booker. I knew he wasn’t going to abandon me. He wouldn’t. Not after all we’d been through. But I was worried about him.
Dr. Palmer leaned back, pulled a tissue out of the box on her desk, and offered it to me.
I took it and thanked her while I mopped up my tears.
“So tell me, Aubree. What is wrong?”
I closed my eyes and everything poured out in a rush…how I was trying to juggle my classes and was failing miserably in o-chem, how I was feeling ineffectual, and finally how I had fallen asleep on Booker, and worse, how I had neglected him. And how he’d left after I fell asleep and now wasn’t answering his phone or responding to my texts.
“Ah, you’re scared you’re going to lose him.”
“No. Booker wouldn’t leave me. But I am concerned about what he’s going through. Nothing makes sense without him, not even being a doctor.”
“Aubree, I have to be honest with you. I had a rocky road with the man who is now and has been my husband for eighteen years. Our relationship was much like yours, but he made a decision to stand by me no matter what happened. There were times when I scarcely saw him, because if you think it’s hard now…honey, it’s only begun. Next year you will have to study for your Medical College Admission Test, the dreaded MCAT, then there’s applications and interviews, then med school, and residency. Becoming a doctor is grueling, hard on you, and even harder on those you love.
“So it’s better now to know, before you commit to marriage, whether he’s going to be your rock-solid supporter or a hindrance. On the other hand, it’s just as important to have balance in your life. Choose what’s important and don’t worry about the rest. Medical schools are looking for a well-rounded student, not a perfect one.”
“Booker would never be a hindrance. He’s so good to me. So, is this a pep talk?” I said. “I’m afraid it’s not a very good one.”
“The truth actually does set you free, but sometimes it’s tough to take.”
“I want to be a doctor. It’s my dream. But I won’t sacrifice Booker.”
“Do you trust him?”
“With my life.” I might have gotten sidetracked by my own bullshit, but I knew—had always known—one thing for certain. Booker would never let me down. He was struggling, and he might be pissed or teaching me a lesson, but he would never, ever abandon me. The proof of that was written in the Langstons’ blood
“You didn’t hesitate. That’s good. The bottom line, then, is to work it out with Booker. Come to an understanding you both can live with.”
I leaned back. Here was maturity and wisdom staring me in the face. I wanted to be with Booker, and was confused and overwhelmed about how to get what I wanted and what he wanted.
Worse, we hadn’t discussed any of this. We hadn’t realized, I think, how hard it would be. A relationship was built on every day, and grew out of every choice each person made.
With a sharp pang in my heart, I admitted to myself that I had taken him for granted. I had fallen down on that task. Lost myself to my need to excel. Something I believed I had conquered, but obviously had not. And it was going to be a battle, and require constant vigilance for me—for us—to overcome.
“Now, let’s talk about organic chemistry.”
I groaned. That stupid subject was ruling my life. I wanted to get away, go home, but I didn’t want to face the empty rooms. Without Booker it had ceased being home. But I had no choice. I had a paper to write, and more o-chem homework, and I absolutely had to master the subject before I flunked the damn class. And have no chance at medical school.
What I wanted to do was to get in my car and drive to Suttontowne. To Booker. To apologize to him, and just hang on to him. But I wasn’t sure he’d let me do that right now.
The memory from Old Magnolia Road blindsided me. He barely knew me back then, but while Damien’s blood seeped into the road and his dead eyes stared up at us, Booker had pulled me against him. Kissed my temple, held me tight. The terrible fear inside me for him, for his safety hadn’t let me just collapse.
Dear God, I had thought fervently, don’t let him be hurt. I checked him over thoroughly, running my hands over his chest and body to make sure there were no knife wounds, no injuries. That’s when he’d grabbed my hands, pulled them to his chest and quieted me. And then he helped me bury Damien.
Even now I couldn’t feel remorse for what had happened.
Back then I chose to abandon him and run. Just like I had done when I witnessed his breakdown at the bleachers. I chose then to chalk up our encounter to the adrenaline and the horror of what we had done.
I had been a coward then, but I had matured a bit, and I had fallen so deeply into him, there was no way out.
Even as Dr. Palmer laid out how she would help me with o-chem, how it could be managed, understood and conquered. I was thinking how my life was so entwined with Booker’s, I couldn’t believe we had managed to create this silent void between us.
As I walked to my car, a rush of feelings for him overwhelmed me, and I knew, simply, that Booker needed me. Much more now than ever. And it appeared I had some more maturing to do.
I hoped he knew in his heart I would never abandon him again. I hoped that what I believed were strength and harmony and undying commitment between us wasn’t misplaced.
Because losing him would cost me something much too precious and fundamental. My heart. He was my heart. I wasn’t sure I could survive that loss.
#
Braxton
Before River Pearl, I might have kept my thoughts about Aubree and Booker’s turmoil to myself. Hurt for him, but kept my own counsel. Before River Pearl, I might have thought Aubree and Booker were doomed to fail. Before her, I lived in a wasteland.
But that all changed with her love, with her acceptance, and the way she had fought for me, for my family. The way she had changed everything.
“What the hell were you thinking, Braxton Michael Outlaw!”
Uh-oh, she was using my middle name, and she was in a Southern snit like I’d never seen.
“Is this any way to treat your brother when you know he’s upset, angry, and lost? Beating each other up is crazy…you and Boone should have your heads examined.”
“Hey, we meant well,” Boone said, looking green around the gills because we were still pretty drunk.
Booker had gone out like a light, the lightweight huckleberry. Part of that was stress, the other was not sleeping, and some of it could have been the quantity of Fruit Punch Red he’d consumed. He was currently sleeping it off in our guest room while River scolded and whipped us into shape.
“Take a breath, sugar,” I said. She whirled on me and crowded me up against the wall, her eyes blazing.
“Don’t you dare make light of this. I care about Aubree and Booker! We have to do something to help them.”
I reached up and clasped her arms as Boone sidled toward the door, looking spooked. He should. If River were to call Verity, his ass would be in a sling, right along with mine.
I leaned slightly around River. “Freeze, huckleberry.”
He sighed and leaned against the wall. It was clear the alcohol buzz was clearing and he was starting to feel the cuts and contusions.
“Maybe we should get Verity over here for a powwow?” Boone said.
“Well, aren’t you the freaking hero?” I said, knowing that next on the agenda would be some haranguing from one hopped-up preacher’s daughter. “The alcohol must have gone to your brain.”
“I called Verity and she’s on her way.”
Boone groaned and slid down the wall.
“I see that the usual shenanigans have ensued when the three wildest men in Suttontowne get together. It’s almost like you can’t help yourselves,” Verity said from the doorway and Boone moaned
again.
“Where’s Booker?” Verity said.
“He’s in oblivion, which is where I wish I was right now.”
Verity crouched down. “Ah, sugar, I never hit a man when he’s down. So as soon as you’re back on your feet…”
Boone chuckled. “It was Brax’s idea,” he said, a crazy grin on his face as he reached up and cupped his wife’s face. She shook her head and covered his hand. “I’m sure it was your idea, actually, but I said for better or for worse.”
“That’s right,” he said with the same goofy grin. “So you’re stuck.”
I laughed. We sure picked ourselves some fine women. I shook my head and looked back at River Pearl. Yup, that sassy sugar wasn’t done. As she wound up to cuss me out again, I planted my lips over hers. She protested for all of three seconds, her words muffled against my mouth, and then she sighed and kissed me back.
I cupped her face and ended the kiss. “River. We’ve been doing this drinking game for a long time. It helps us blow off steam and get this shit out of our heads and out in the open so we can talk about it. That’s all we were trying to do with Booker. It got a little out of hand.”
She bit her lip, but some of the pique left her eyes. “A little,” she huffed and rubbed her thumb gently along my jaw. “You’re going to have a black eye.”
“Will you kiss it better for me if I beg you?” I whispered in her ear and the hand that went around my nape clutched tight in my hair as she sighed again.
“It’s going to have to be later.” She kissed me again, then said, “Verity, are you packed and ready to go?”
“Yes. I left our handsome little devil Duel with Ethan, since I thought you were at work, Boone. You can pick him up after you get sober.”
“Where are you two going?” I asked.
River Pearl got that juggernaut look in her eye. The kind of look that meant she was about to drop-kick Aubree into gear. I almost felt sorry for Aubree, but it was all about how much River cared and I knew whatever was good for Aubree is what River was all about. “We’re going to New Orleans. It’s time Aubree got serious about this wedding. We should never have allowed her to put us off this long. As maid of honor, I’m going to wrassle that girl to the mat and make her do some planning. You stay here and—”
“Help my stupid brother.”
“And…” she said, her eyes narrowing.
“No more drunk fighting. We’ll just take him into the swamp and stake him out until the mosquitoes make him talk.”
“All right,” she said, “But absolutely no wrestling gators.”
“Aww, sugar, you are no fun.”
She grabbed my chin. “Seriously, Brax, take care of him.”
“That’s always my priority, ma belle.”
#
Booker
I knew three things when I woke up: one, I fucking missed Aubree; two, I was crazy sick in love with her; and three, I ached all over like a son of a bitch. Dammit. Why did I ever let my stupid brothers talk me into drunk fighting? I should have heeded Aubree’s warning when I promised her I wouldn’t let my brothers talk me into something stupid. My mouth hurt, my jaw hurt, my gut hurt, and my brain was rolling around in my head like a big, hard, dumb-ass marble.
But mostly my heart hurt…bad. How many times would I screw up with this girl?
Disoriented, I shifted and realized I was on a bed. I had the mother of all headaches. I opened my eyes…well, one of them. The other one was swollen and only gave me a slit’s worth of information.
I was in Brax’s spare room. I recognized the pattern on the curtain and the view from the window.
I rolled toward the door and groaned.
Something cold pressed against my eye, and I looked up to see my worse-for-wear brothers standing there. I felt better and sighed at the relief. I wasn’t the only one with a black eye.
Boone handed me some pain reliever and a glass of water after I sat up and scooted back. They sat down. “Heads up. Verity and River Pearl are on their way to The Big Easy for a wedding planning intervention.”
I took the pills and chased them with some water. “She needs some help. I still can’t believe she hasn’t gotten her dress.”
“At least the cake is covered,” Brax said. “I’ve been practicing for weeks. Martha is doing the taste testing. She says she’ll let me know when I get there. I talked to Aubree about her choices, but she doesn’t want me to tell you. Wants it to be a surprise.”
“I’m sure it will be great. Thanks for doing that, Brax. I know how busy you are.”
“Never too busy for you and…” he shoved Boone, “…this huckleberry.”
Boone shoved him back. “Feeling is mutual you jerkwad.”
Brax smirked, then turned to look at me, sobering. It was completely weird to see my brother so…open, and different. River was a miracle worker.
“Book, you know we’re here for you, but we can’t give you any dumb-ass, sage, or unwanted advice until you tell us what’s going on,” Brax said.
“What’s going on? Nothing. Aubree’s been so…busy…that I haven’t seen her. Whenever I try to get some time with her, she’s busy!” I shouted and it echoed in the room. I lowered my voice. “I guess I’m pissed off.”
“You having second thoughts?”
“No, dammit. Never. It’s just that I acted like a jerk. I shouldn’t have come back here without talking to her, but I was so annoyed. I didn’t want to say something I couldn’t take back. Now I’m calmer, I know I should have talked to her sooner instead of always swallowing it. My fault for not speaking up, but she’s studying so hard and working so hard, so I held off so I wouldn’t upset or distract her.”
“But now it’s hard on you.”
“What else?” Brax said with that knowing look.
“Ever since you fell in love with River Pearl, you’re sharing way too much,” I said and nudged him.
He chuckled. “She has some influence over me. Now spill your guts or I’ll give you another freaking black eye.”
“What do you want me to say?”
“That you’re trying to do what you always do, Book. Avoid pain.”
“I’m not…”
“Yes, you are. You’re feeling all kinds of exposed. It’s hard to talk to them when we feel weak. But, Book, that’s the best time to talk to them.”
“He’s right,” Boone said. “When I feel the worst is when I need Verity the most. She’s always been there for me. Through everything. So why don’t you give Aubree the benefit of the doubt, stop avoiding her, and talk this shit out? You’re getting married in a month, ferchrissake. She’s finished with classes in three weeks. Tough it out, and then get down to serious discussions about your future. Set the ground rules now you know what you’re in for.”
I leaned my head back against the headboard. I hadn’t told them I was scared she didn’t need me. That she was coming into her own and there was no place for me. I couldn’t tell them that, because it might make it real, and it made me look weak.
I nodded. “Thanks for…”
“Knocking some sense into you,” Boone said.
Brax pushed him off the bed, and even though we were all in pain, we wrestled some more because we were just plain idiots and we all knew it.
Unbidden, I was blindsided by the memory of the night Langston bushwhacked me with that baseball bat and I woke up on Old Magnolia Road lying in Aubree’s arms with Daniel Langston looming over us with a gun. I had known he wanted to hurt her then and had fought like a madman to save her. I told her to run, but she didn’t. She had been all that mattered to me as I fought Langston in spite of a bad concussion. No matter how I looked at it, Aubree was my future, my life.
That girl still got to me.
She always would.
“Get the hell outta here so I can call my girl.”
They nodded, stood, and grinned at me.
After they vacated the room, I pulled out my phone and winced when I saw how many of her calls and te
xts I’d ignored.
I hit send. I wasn’t sure she would be able to answer, because she was just finishing at Dr. Palmer’s.
But she answered and said, “Oh, God, Booker.”
“Yeah, it’s me. The dumb-ass.” I loved her. That had never changed, not from the first moment I’d seen her, but, geezus, I hadn’t, ever, not from the very beginning, been able to figure out what to do with her. She was amazing, and I was a guy with a horrible rep, the worst possible choice, but it hadn’t mattered to her. She reinforced that with her next words.
“You’re not dumb,” she said softly, and her voice added a smile to the words. “I have been preoccupied and I have been zoned out for months.”
Now I heard the regret, and that tightened my gut, and I immediately opened my mouth to gloss over it and retreat. But that had gotten me into trouble with her in the first place. Even though it felt uncomfortable, I closed my eyes and said, “You’ve been trying to keep everything together, Aubree. I know that, but I need something more.”
She drew a deep, uneven breath, her voice wobbling now. “As in, more than me?”
“Fuck no!” I said fiercely, kicking myself for not being clear. Some communicator I was. “That’s not what I meant. I need more between us, sugar. That’s all. I’m as committed to you now as I have ever been.” I ached to hold her, comfort her, show her I wanted to be everything to her. “You are everything to me. So I need a closer relationship, and I want you physically. I want to be inside you, giving you pleasure, feeling that close to you. Damn, but I want you.” My voice came out hoarse and sounding desperate.
She breathed a sigh. “Okay, that sounds good to me. I want you, too. Just the same way, and just as badly.”
I breathed a little easier, not sure when my chest had gotten so tight. “Good. I love you so much, Aubree. I’m sorry if I hurt you. I didn’t mean to. I just was so tired of—”
“Me failing you.”
“You didn’t fail me. You never do that. Neglected me is more what I was thinking.”
