Brothers

by Yu Hua

  "As long as you say that she's used one, then she has," Poet Zhao said. "Everyone will take you at your word."

  Wandering Zhou nodded his approval and said to Song Gang, "Executive Assistant Zhao is absolutely right."

  Song Gang shook his head. "I can't say that."

  Poet Zhao said anxiously, "Boss Zhou pays you one hundred yuan a day, but you aren't willing to say one simple thing."

  "I'm willing to say anything else, but I can't say that." Song Gang continued shaking his head.

  Poet Zhao wanted to go on, but Wandering Zhou gestured for him to be quiet. Zhou thought for a moment, then suggested to Song Gang, "How about this? You don't need to say anything, just let Executive Assistant Zhao do the talking. All you need to do is stand next to him. You don't even need to nod; I just ask that you not shake your head."

  Song Gang thought to himself that if he didn't need to speak or nod, then he could rest easy. Wandering Zhou had Poet Zhao and Song Gang scurry behind him like servants, each carrying one of his cardboard boxes. Song Gang's box even had a stool perched on top. Wandering Zhou, meanwhile, sauntered in front empty-handed.

  The three of them reached the middle of the street that was to be used for the competition. Wandering Zhou stood on the stool and instructed Poet Zhao and Song Gang to open the two boxes and take out the two brands of imported and domestic artificial hymens. A crowd of virgin beauties and other onlookers gathered around, buzzing about like the mosquitoes that had swarmed around Wandering Zhou and Poet Zhao the night before. Wandering Zhou first took the imported Joan of Arc hymens, lifting them high above his head and shouting, "These are imported Joan of Arc artificial hymens, selling for three hundred yuan each. If you go to the hospital to have hymen-recon surgery, it will cost you three thousand yuan. At the hospital, furthermore, three thousand yuan will only allow you to be a virgin once, but if you buy my Joan of Arc hymens, for three thousand yuan you can be a virgin ten times over."

  Wandering Zhou then explained how the hymens were to be used, illustrating the process with pantomime: "First, wash your hands well and dry them." He mimed washing and drying his hands. "Then take a hymen out of its vacuum-sealed aluminum-foil package and roll it up into a tight ball. Second, take this roll and place it in the deepest point of the vagina." He inserted his hand into his pants. "This should be done very quickly in order to prevent the hymen from sticking to your hands and being pulled back out." He immediately pulled his hand back out of his pants as though he had been burned. "Third, after the hymen has been in place for three to five minutes, you can engage in intercourse." This time he didn't perform the relevant action. "Fourth, after intercourse, you can go to the restroom and clean the bloody mucus from your genitals." He placed his hand in his pants and made scrubbing gestures. "When you begin intercourse, the woman should adjust her position as appropriate"—he twisted his own body—"in order to make it difficult for the man to enter her, and also should exhibit signs of pain to complement the rupture of the artificial hymen"—he furrowed his brows and adopted an agonized expression—"and if you add painful moans and a bashful expression"—he didn't moan, but he did offer a bashful look—"the effect will be even more realistic."

  As the virgin beauties and other onlookers shouted in approval Wandering Zhou began to introduce his domestic hymens, saying, "These are my domestic Lady Meng Jiang hymens, which sell for one hundred yuan apiece. For the price of a single hymen-recon surgery in the hospital, you can be a virgin thirty times over."

  Someone in the crowd shouted, "Why don't you demonstrate one for us?"

  Wandering Zhou laughed and asked, "Is there a female comrade who would be willing to demonstrate for everyone?"

  The virgin beauties and other onlookers erupted in laughter. The original questioner suggested, "Why don't you hold it in one hand and use a finger to pierce it?"

  The crowd shouted their agreement, and Wandering Zhou laughed and said, "This costs one hundred yuan. There are more than one hundred of you, so if everyone contributes one yuan, I can demonstrate it for you."

  Everyone took out one yuan, and Poet Zhao and Song Gang worked up heads full of sweat running back and forth until they had finally collected one hundred one-yuan bills. Wandering Zhou then began the demonstration, opening one of the Lady Meng Jiang brand boxes and removing an artificial hymen wrapped in aluminum foil. After ripping open the wrapper, he held the artificial hymen in his left hand and then tried to pierce it with his right index finger. The first time he failed to pierce it completely, and the second time he didn't pierce it either. The virgin beauties and other onlookers all laughed, and a man in the crowd shouted, "Is this an old virgin?"

  "This is a Lady Meng Jiang brand hymen," Wandering Zhou said proudly. "Lady Meng Jiang's tears could topple the Great Wall, so naturally her hymen is sturdy."

  In the ensuing peals of laughter, Wandering Zhou poked the hymen a third time and this time was finally able to puncture it, releasing a flood of blood-colored liquid. He proudly gestured and said, "Did you see? Did you see? This is wedding-night virgin blood!"

  After the laughter died down, Wandering Zhou recommenced his original routine. Because Poet Zhao wasn't married, Wandering Zhou called out to Song Gang, "Song Gang, what brand of artificial hymen did your wife use last night?"

  "An imported Joan of Arc one, of course," Poet Zhao replied on Song Gangs behalf. Then he added, in the same proud tone as Wandering Zhou, "Song Gangs wife wouldn't be using domestic products, would she?"

  Wandering Zhou asked Song Gang again, "Last night when you made love, how did your wife feel?"

  Again, it was Poet Zhao who replied, "She cried out in agony!"

  Wandering Zhou nodded with satisfaction, then asked, "How did you feel?"

  Again, it was Poet Zhao who replied, "Broke out in a cold sweat."

  This response, however, displeased Wandering Zhou. He frowned and said, "It should have been warm sweat from all that happy exertion."

  Poet Zhao immediately corrected himself. "First it was a cold sweat, and then—a-one, a-two, a-three—three seconds later, it turned into warm sweat!"

  "Well said!" Wandering Zhou said loudly. "After three seconds of enjoyment, a polar chill becomes an African heat wave." Wandering Zhou was very pleased with Poet Zhao's rapid correction. He nodded approvingly, then confidently asked Song Gang, "Song Gang, in conclusion, what is the greatest advantage of artificial hymens?"

  This time Song Gang blushed, blushing under his mask all the way from his neck to his forehead. He hadn't expected that he would still be placed in such a difficult position even if he didn't speak or nod. Now he wanted to find a hole in the ground to crawl into. In the end, it was again Poet Zhao who answered for him. Pointing at Song Gang, he said loudly, "Song Gang's wife is the only woman he has slept with in his entire life. But after she used an artificial hymen"—Poet Zhao held up two fingers—"Song Gang can say he has now slept with two virgins."

  "You are absolutely right!" Wandering Zhou's eyes shimmered with excitement, and he shouted to everyone, "That is the advantage of artificial hymens. They not only allow women who have already lost their hymens to regain their self-confidence and self-respect, but furthermore help men to be even more faithful to their wives! Quick, come buy some. Women should buy them, and men need to buy them even more! For the price of a single operation in the hospital, with Joan of Arc hymens men can enjoy more than ten deflowerings with a single woman, and with Lady Meng Jiang hymens you'd be able to enjoy thirty deflowerings."

  The virgin beauties and the Liu townspeople all laughed as they enjoyed this song-and-dance between Wandering Zhou and Poet Zhao. But as they watched they became somewhat confused. One man pointed at Song Gang and asked Poet Zhao, "He was clearly asking Song Gang, so why are you always the one who answers?"

  "Would you be willing to talk openly about sleeping with your wife?" Poet Zhao retorted. "You wouldn't be, and neither is Song Gang. Therefore, he asked me to answer for him."

  By this point
Song Gang profoundly regretted having gotten himself into this situation and kept his head bowed low. Song Gang didn't say a word, neither nodding nor shaking his head. He just stood there, feeling extremely uncomfortable, as if there were a dull knife sawing away at his flesh. Wandering Zhou's sales pitch was extremely successful, and though no one bought a hymen on the spot, that night people kept waking Wandering Zhou and Poet Zhao as they slept next to the road, quietly asking to buy their artificial hymens. For several nights in a row, Wandering Zhou and Poet Zhao were woken by these hymen buyers even more often than by the mosquitoes. Most of the time it was virgin beauties who had come to take part in the competition, but sometimes it was young women from Liu Town. Of course, many men came to buy them as well, having all been affected by Poet Zhao's pitch and thinking to themselves that if they couldn't sleep with another woman, then at least they could experience several more first nights with their own wives.

  All of this made Wandering Zhou look at Poet Zhao with new respect. He said, "You are truly a rare talent, and we should definitely collaborate in the future. This time your bonus will probably exceed your original salary."

  When Poet Zhao heard this, he was delighted and asked, "How much of a bonus will I receive?"

  Wandering Zhou replied, "You'll know when the time comes."

  That same day, news of their performance made its way to Lin Hong, who became furious. She was about to erupt in anger when she returned home, but seeing Song Gang slumped on the couch with an uneasy, pathetic expression softened her heart, and she realized that he was merely trying to earn money for their household. Shaking her head, she walked to the outer room, but when she saw Poet Zhao, her anger immediately returned. She rushed at him furiously and, seeing that there was no one around, said in a low voice, "You bastard!"

  CHAPTER 63

  THE INAUGURAL National Virgin Beauty Competition finally began, attracting worldwide attention. In recognition of the fact that the event was being held in the street, and in consideration of both the blazing sun and the virgin beauties’ delicate skin, the organizing committee decided to host the competition between afternoon and evening. The opening day was the most magnificent afternoon Liu Town had ever seen. Three thousand bikini-wearing virgin beauties—tall and short, fat and thin, beautiful and ugly—stood in a row stretching back more than a mile. Even the longest street in Liu Town was not long enough to hold them all, and therefore the line of virgin beauty troops turned a corner, extended over a bridge, and stretched down a second street.

  The entire town turned out for the spectacle. The stores closed, all the factories stopped work, and all the other businesses also let their employees off early. As a result, everyone in town was crowded up and down both sides of the street, the wutong trees on the sides of the road were full of people who had clambered up them like monkeys, and all the electrical poles had men performing pole dances on them. The windows of the houses on both sides of the street were full of people, as were the rooftops. The doctors and nurses from the hospitals rushed out, explaining that if they didn't come see the spectacle, it would be a thousand years before a similar opportunity presented itself. The patients also came out, some using crutches and others with their arms in slings. Those who were in the process of having intravenous infusions came out holding their IV bottles, and those who had just had operations were carried out by their friends and relatives. Even if they had to be lying on a gurney or sitting on the backs of bicycles, everyone came out.

  People from neighboring cities and counties spent up to five or six hours riding over on their bicycles, and then another five or six hours biking back after having caught a glimpse of the virgin beauties. Liu Town, which ordinarily had a population of about thirty thousand, more than tripled in size, to more than one hundred thousand. The streets with the virgin beauties standing in line were cleared out, and the traffic cops, armed police, and peoples police were mobilized, forming a firewall to hold back the crowds. For the police, this was their happiest day, because they were able to see the virgin beauties more up close than anyone else. Even happier, however, were the reporters, since they were the only ones allowed to walk up and down the cleared-out streets. When they spotted a pretty woman, they would stop and interview her, carefully inspecting her heaving bosom and her belly button.

  There was an enormous crowd of men behind the virgin beauties, and without exception, the bottoms of all three thousand virgin beauties ended up getting groped. Some of the men had taken off their shirts and were wearing only shorts, and they shouted out to the men behind them not to crowd too closely, while they shamelessly pressed their naked chests against the bikini-clad beauties. Some of the virgin beauties cried, some cursed, and others screamed in anger. With the air of innocent victims, the men in front would turn around and berate the crowds behind them, telling them not to push.

  Baldy Li had repeated over and over again that the reason he was holding the beauty pageant in the street was in order to allow everyone to watch it for free. But after one of his trips to the restroom, he emerged with fresh inspiration on how to make money. He told PR Liu to immediately organize a team of people to publicize and sell "inspection" tickets. After a massive blitz of publicity, marketing, and sales, PR Liu sold more than five thousand inspection tickets. He rented all the trucks from Liu and neighboring cities and provinces for ticket holders to stand on—inspecting the virgin beauties as though they were inspecting military troops—but even then he couldn't accommodate all five thousand ticket holders. Finally, he also rented tractors from every farmer from one hundred li around. The line of virgin beauty troops extended more than a mile, while the line of cars and tractors carrying the inspectors stretched for two and a half miles.

  Leading the way were twenty convertibles carrying Baldy Li and Tao Qing, the competition organizing committee, political leaders and judges, corporate sponsors and VIPs, with Popsicle Wang and Yanker Yu bringing up the rear in the final car. Yanker Yu had been on his way from Europe to Africa, but after Popsicle Wang called him up and told him about the Virgin Beauty Competition, he immediately changed plans and returned to Liu, deciding that, given the momentous occasion, it was high time for him to show his face. Yu stood in the open car wearing an exquisitely tailored suit with a perfectly matched shirt and tie. He looked so at home in his suit, it was as if he had never worn anything else in his entire life. He glanced over at Popsicle Wang standing next to him. Wang was also wearing a suit, but the sleeves were so long they covered the tips of his fingers, and the collar was so large that even buttoned up you could still see his collarbone. On top of that, he was wearing one of those cheap red ties that looked like an emergency pull tab. Disappointed by Popsicle Wangs attire, Yanker Yu shook his head and said, "You have no sense of style."

  Behind the twenty sedan convertibles was a convoy of trucks. Leading the way was the truck for the VIPs, with tables, chairs, drinks, and fruits. Then came the truck for the A-list guests, which had everything the VIP truck had except for the tables. Next came the truck for the B-list guests, which lacked both tables and chairs and instead had the guests standing in two rows. The C-list truck had guests standing in four rows, and on the D-list truck the passengers were packed like sardines. Behind the trucks was an endless line of tractors for the regular ticket holders, on which people were packed like livestock on the way to market.

  PR Liu was not riding in one of the sedans at the front but, rather, was standing at the entrance to the street with a starter gun in his hand, like an Olympic judge. The director of the organizing committee, who passed by in the first sedan, was a political leader Baldy Li had asked PR Liu to invite. He rambled into the microphone a lot of political pablum about how much Our Country had taken off thanks to the Reform and Opening Up Campaign, about how it had increased not only the national and provincial GDP but also that of the cities and towns. Just as he got around to speaking about Liu Town, he switched back to speaking about Our Country. After going on grandiosely for a while, he aga
in turned back to Liu Town and specifically the Virgin Beauty Contest that was about to begin. He spoke about how the contest was evidence of the rise in both Our Peoples standard of living and Chinas international standing. The Virgin Beauty Competition not only would promote traditional Chinese culture but was also right on track with the tide of globalization. After going on in this fashion for more than half an hour, he finally cried out, "I hereby announce the beginning of the Inaugural National Virgin Beauty Competition!"

  PR Liu fired his gun, and the sedans, trucks, and tractors full of inspectors coming to watch the virgin beauties ceremoniously filed in, as magnificent as a marathon. They rumbled along at a snails pace, gradually making their way down the streets into the sunset. The three thousand virgin beauties, who had been pushed to their limits from the continual sexual harassment by the spectators, all sprang to attention at the sound of the starting gun. Each and every one of them stuck out their chests, swiveled their hips, and posed with smiles on their faces— composing a veritable gallery of three thousand different flirtatious expressions.

  They watched as the political leaders and judges drove by in their convertibles, followed by an endless convoy of trucks and tractors full of inspectors. Still being groped by the men behind them, the contestants by now just wanted the competition to end so that they could go home and scrub themselves clean. But what kind of person was Baldy Li? He was always one step ahead of everyone and had already anticipated that the beauties would want to turn around and walk away as soon as the judges’ sedans had passed, leaving the ticket holders in the trucks and tractors with nothing to see other than the setting sun, whereupon they would surely have rioted in front of the offices of the organizing committee. In order to avoid this problem, and also to increase peoples interest in buying inspection tickets, Baldy Li arranged for the results of the first round of competition to be determined not by those first ten judges but, rather, by the five thousand ticket holders following behind.