by Yu Hua
The young man asked Wandering Zhou skeptically, "These aren't counterfeit, are they?"
"You will know as soon as you try them," Wandering Zhou replied with a smile.
When the brawny man and his German shepherd arrived, panic swept through the hall. Several attendants politely intervened, and the man agreed not to bring the dog in. Therefore, the dog lay down in the doorway, as though he were guarding a pass to prevent a thousand enemies from getting through. As a result, none of the customers in the rest hall dared leave, having no choice but to wait for the dogs owner to leave first. Wandering Zhou and Song Gang were now in their element like fish in water and methodically spoke with each member of their captive audience, cajoling them into buying the pills. The dog s owner noticed that they were whispering to all the other customers but hadn't said a word to him. Curious, he pulled Wandering Zhou aside and asked him what they were doing. Zhou handed him the Apollo and Fierce Zhang Fei booklets, adding, "But you don't need these."
When the man finished reading the instruction booklets, he said loudly, "Who says I don't need this? The strong can always get even stronger."
"Well said!" Wandering Zhou exclaimed. He pointed to the other men in the hall and added quietly, "For them, these pills would be like an emergency shot to the arm, but for you they would be like a bonus."
The dog's owner laughed with satisfaction, then held up two fingers and said, "I'll take two vials."
"Two vials is one dose," Wandering Zhou explained patiently. "You need at least two or three doses to see results."
The dog's master said brightly, "In that case, I want eight vials."
"Okay." Wandering Zhou nodded, then asked him, "Do you want imported or domestic ones?"
The dog's master said, "Four of each."
Wandering Zhou hesitated, then, in a expert tone, said, "These imported ones are made with genetic engineering and nanotechnology, while the domestic ones are made from Ming-Qing dynastic medical files from the Palace Museum. If you mix them together, their effectiveness will be compromised."
"The imported ones are for me," the man explained, then pointed to his dog lying in the doorway. "The domestic ones are for him."
CHAPTER 67
WANDERING ZHOU and Song Gang continued strolling through Fujian, stopping at one bathhouse after another to sell their virility-enhancing pills. Whenever they spotted someone who appeared underendowed, they would recommend a remedy patiently pique their interest, and describe extravagant results. By the time they left Fujian for Canton, they had managed to sell the entire two boxes of pills. Wandering Zhou summed up what they had learned from their experiences when he noted that it had taken them nearly five months to sell the two boxes of pills, meaning that their revenue was much too low and they hadn't earned a trace of profit. In fact, after factoring in their living expenses, they had actually lost money. Wandering Zhou recalled wistfully his glorious experience selling artificial hymens in Liu Town and decided that he would stop selling men's health products, because women were much more willing to spend money on these sorts of things. Therefore, when they reached Canton, the two began to sell a bust-enhancing cream called Boobs.
By this point Song Gang had been away from home for half a year. While in Fujian he had called Lin Hong three times—each time he called her in the evening while standing in front of the convenience store, with dust blowing through the streets and passersby talking loudly in the local Minnan dialect. Song Gang would grab the receiver tightly with both hands, as if he were afraid someone would come and snatch it from him. His palms wet with sweat, he stammered softly, completely incoherent. At the other end of the line, Lin Hong's voice sounded half-crazed with anxiety as she entreated him to return immediately. Repeating "Come home" over and over, she asked Song Gang how he had been feeling, and Song Gang replied that his health had been good and his lung disease was cured. Then, in a voice as soft as a mosquito, he added, "I don't cough anymore."
Song Gang had to repeat himself several times before Lin Hong understood. Then she hollered, "Are you still taking your medicine?"
At this point Song Gang hung up the phone and, as he was putting it down, said softly, "I've stopped taking it."
Then he stood, confused, on the lamplit street, watching one stranger after another pass by and listening to their voices. Finally he shook his head and slowly began to make his way back to the cheap hotel where they were staying.
When he arrived, Wandering Zhou was sitting cross-legged on the bed, wiping his tears as he watched a Korean soap opera on television. While in Fujian, Wandering Zhou had watched three and a half Korean miniseries, and after arriving in Canton he searched through all the television channels but couldn't find the second half of the last miniseries. He proceeded to curse all of Canton and then, when he finally calmed down, went out to peddle his Boobs cream.
For the next several months, the Minnan dialect they heard in Fujian was replaced by Cantonese, and although they went to fifteen different locations, they managed to sell only ten or so vials of the cream. In a moment of despair, Wandering Zhou suddenly had an inspiration and decided to sell the cream to beauty salons at a discount, but he discovered that all the salons were already selling bust-enhancing creams of their own. Wandering Zhou then investigated the pharmacies and department stores and discovered that they too were selling their own bust-enhancing creams. They saw more than a hundred brands of breast creams, and all of them were cheaper than their own Boobs brand. Zhou found himself at an impasse as he and Song Gang wandered aimlessly like headless flies trying to sell their Boobs cream on unfamiliar streets. The two looked around depressed, asking each other what they should do next. Wandering Zhou had lost confidence in selling the Boobs cream, so whenever he saw a young woman walk by, he pushed Song Gang to go speak to her while he stood behind him like a sentry. Song Gang would walk over with a bowed head and respectfully ask the young women, "Do you need bust-enhancing cream?"
The women always looked as if they had been accosted by a thief and scurried away while tightly grasping their purses. One pretty young woman didn't hear clearly and therefore paused and asked, "What?"
Song Gang gestured at his own chest, saying, "Bust-enhancing cream, in order to make your breasts bigger and firmer."
"You hooligan!" The woman backed away as she cursed them. Other passersby also stopped and stared at Song Gang, who started blushing and went back to Wandering Zhou, standing as though nothing was happening.
Around this time, Zhou had found a new Korean soap opera on a local television station, so he would spend the entire day being frustrated at every turn but at night would recover his spirits. During the first hour of the Korean drama he sat attentive on the edge of the bed with the remote control in his hand and asked Song Gang to take a walk outside so as not to interrupt his viewing pleasure. He added that if Song Gang didn't want to leave, he could stay, but "you mustn't make a sound."
Song Gang didn't stay in the room but wandered aimlessly through this foreign city, staring through countless windows of countless buildings. Eventually he stopped under a tree by the side of the road and watched spellbound through some family's window as a young husband and wife walked around inside. Sometimes a single shadow would appear in front of the window, sometimes there would be two, and sometimes there would be only the light of a lamp. Song Gang stood staring for a long time, until the husband and wife walked up to the window together and lowered the curtain, kissing each other as they did so. This scene brought tears to Song Gang's eyes. At that moment he yearned so intensely for Lin Hong and wanted more than anything to soar directly back to Liu Town. But he didn't know when he would start making some money. Dejected, he felt that the day he would finally be able to return to Liu Town was retreating further and further into the distance.
While they were in Canton, Wandering Zhou watched four entire Korean miniseries. Eventually, he became irritated to discover that he could no longer find any new ones. At that point they were on the coast, stayin
g in a second-floor room of a dilapidated old hotel. Across the street was a billboard advertising bust-enhancing cream. Rather than a pretty young woman, however, the billboard featured a muscular hunk. This hunk was wearing a red bra over enormous breasts and a red G-string below. Wandering Zhou hadn't noticed this billboard, but after he calmed down and reconciled himself to the fact that there were no more Korean series to watch, he sat downcast on the bed, and his thoughts eventually returned to the bust-enhancing cream. The charlatan took out his calculator and started furiously punching in numbers. Half an hour later he looked up with an aggrieved expression and said simply, "We're fucked!"
Song Gang already knew that they were fucked. After six months of running around they had succeeded in selling only ten vials of the cream, during which time Wandering Zhou had become addicted to Korean melodramas the way a decadent ruler might become addicted to women. Now that there weren't any more melodramas to watch, Wandering Zhou had to face reality. He told Song Gang that if they couldn't sell all of the remaining vials within a month, they would have no alternative but to go to court. When Song Gang asked him what the point of going to court would be, Zhou tugged at his tie and, sounding like a boss of a State factory that was about to close, replied, "To apply for bankruptcy protection."
Song Gang laughed bitterly, wondering how Wandering Zhou found it in him to speak so grandly when they had fallen so low. Just as the two felt that they had reached a dead end, Zhou suddenly noticed the bust-enhancing-cream billboard across the street. He stared at the image of the magnificent hunk wearing bikini briefs and cried out in astonishment, "Bikinis!"
Song Gang also saw it, and his jaw dropped. Even in his wildest dreams he had never imagined such an advertisement. Wandering Zhou again muttered to himself, "I never imagined that men could also have a pair of plump breasts."
It was then that Wandering Zhou had his inspiration. After his eyes left the billboard, he began to stare lecherously at Song Gang. Song Gang felt very uneasy with Wandering Zhou looking at him like that and asked, "What are you thinking?"
Wandering Zhou sighed. "If only you had a pair of plump breasts, we would certainly be able to sell out our entire stock of Boobs bust-enhancing cream in no time."
Song Gang blushed to the roots. When Wandering Zhou saw Song Gang's face assume a sort of feminine bashfulness, his eyes lit up, and he enthusiastically began to lay out his plan. They would give Song Gang a boob job, and after he had an impressive pair of knockers, he would look as attractive as that hunk in the billboard. Zhou patiently explained that breast-enlargement surgery was just minor surgery and could be done in an outpatient clinic. He said, "It's as simple as hymen-recon surgery."
Song Gang gazed blankly out the window. He looked at the billboard, then the building behind it, and finally at the sky above it. His sorrow and hopelessness flew out his eyes into the distance. Then he turned around and nodded with determination, saying, "As long as it will help us earn money, I'm willing to do anything."
Wandering Zhou hadn't expected Song Gang to agree so easily. He excitedly jumped up and began pacing back and forth across the room, searching for the most effusive language with which to praise Song Gang. He announced that the money they earned would no longer be divided 20/80 but, rather, would be split evenly, 50/50. He then concluded emotionally, "When we were in Liu Town, I knew that you would be willing to take two for the team."
"This isn't for you." Song Gang shook his head. "I'm doing it for Lin Hong."
Having been entranced by Korean soap operas the entire year they spent traveling from Fujian to Canton, Wandering Zhou, when he took Song Gang to the cosmetic surgery clinic, rejected out of hand all but the Korean-style breast-enlargement surgeries. The doctor recommended three kinds: Korean no-scar breast enlargement, Korean breast enlargements with silicone implants, and Korean natural breast enlargement using the body's own fat. He explained that the no-scar surgery used a patented new Korean "UNTOUCH" technology, which used tiny incisions, that was guaranteed to leave no scars. After the operation, even those with whom you are most intimate wouldn't be able to tell the difference. Furthermore, after they take shape, the breasts look completely natural and realistic, feel as soft and smooth as dripping water, and follow the rhythm of your steps with a tiny natural jiggle, making you look sexy and charming. When Wandering Zhou heard this introduction, he smiled and said, "We'll take the Korean no-scar breasts."
That afternoon was the most embarrassing and uncomfortable one of Song Gang's life. He sat with his head bowed, not saying a word as Wandering Zhou made up a tearjerking story about how Song Gang had dreamed his entire life of being able to become a woman. While the doctor was speaking to Wandering Zhou, he kept looking over at Song Gang. Song Gang's face alternated between beet red and deathly pale as he listened to them discuss how to give him large breasts and how after the surgery they would remove his penis and testicles, reroute his urinary tract, and make him an artificial vagina. The doctor guaranteed that the shape and feel of the exterior of the vagina would be completely realistic. The vagina would be comfortably wide and deep, and the clitoris would be sexually sensitive. When Song Gang heard this, he felt nauseated, whereas Wandering Zhou appeared elated, nodding enthusiastically to the doctor while looking happily at Song Gang, as if he really was going to become a woman. Finally, the doctor carefully examined Song Gang and said that he would also have to give him a nose job and a chin job and alter the shape of his cheekbones to make his face look more feminine.
Wandering Zhou made an appointment with the doctor for them to return three days later to have the breast surgery. After the two left the clinic, Wandering Zhou gazed at Song Gang delightedly and said, "If you really did become a woman, I'd marry you, and I'd love you like the male leads in Korean soaps love their women. I'd love you like life itself."
Song Gang, who usually never cursed, glared at Wandering Zhou with an ashen face and screamed, "Go fuck yourself!"
Then, one drizzly morning, Song Gang followed behind Wandering Zhou as they left their old, rundown hotel and walked out into the wet street. Zhou waved at the taxis that drove by, and Song Gang gazed out at the misty ocean. He could hear the cries of the seagulls but couldn't see them. Three hours later he was lying on the operating table as the doctor drew two purple ovals on his chest. He closed his eyes under the spotlight, and when he received the full-body anesthesia, a single seagull suddenly appeared in his mind's eye, soaring in the dense fog over the ocean, but he couldn't hear the gull's cry.
Although the doctor told Wandering Zhou that men's and women's chests have certain anatomical and physiological differences and therefore Song Gang's operation would be more complicated than a standard breast enhancement, the operation was nevertheless very successful, and within two hours it was all finished. Song Gang stayed in the hospital for observation, and when he left the next day it was still drizzling. He endured the pain of the incisions under his armpits as he and Wandering Zhou took a taxi back to the little hotel by the ocean. When he got out of the taxi, as Zhou was paying the driver, Song Gang once again gazed spellbound at the misty ocean, but nothing was there—neither gull cries nor the gulls themselves.
Song Gang spent six days recuperating in the hotel, during which time it drizzled continuously. The bra-wearing hunk on the billboard flickered in and out of view in the rain. Every time Song Gang saw the image he felt a rush of shame, as if the man in the billboard were himself. Wandering Zhou meticulously looked after Song Gang. Every day he would conscientiously ask what kind of food he wanted to eat, then would go out to several nearby restaurants, copy out their menus, and take them back to Song Gang, telling him to order whatever he wanted. Song Gang would always select only the cheapest dishes. Wandering Zhou would then call the restaurant on the phone and ask them to deliver to the hotel room. On the phone, Wandering Zhou would always roar vigorously, "Our Boss Song is tired of eating abalone and shark fin, so please send us some tofu and vegetables."
Song Gang thus
became Boss Song, a Boss Song with a pair of women's breasts. After Song Gang had his stitches removed, Wandering Zhou happily went out to buy him a bra. He told Song Gang that this was a D-cup bra, and those able to wear a D cup were genuine Boobs Queens. Then he told Song Gang ingratiatingly, "You are also a Boobs Queen."
Song Gang saw that Wandering Zhou had bought him a red bra just like the one on the billboard. He took it and threw it to the floor. Wandering Zhou picked it up and said, "The red one is so good, it really catches the eye."
Song Gang said, "Fuck your mother!"
"I'll go exchange it immediately," Wandering Zhou replied. "Song Gang, I know that you are a low-key person, so I'll go exchange it for a white one right away."
Five days later the rain finally stopped and the sun came out. Song Gang wore a white bra under his shirt, and he and Wandering Zhou took a ferry to Hainan Island. Having sold so little Boobs cream in more than seven months wandering through Canton, Wandering Zhou had decided that Canton was an inauspicious place and resolved to travel to Hainan Island to make a new beginning. With his new fake breasts, Song Gang would often lose his balance while walking, as his body would pitch forward, to the point that he gradually became hunchbacked. When Song Gang climbed aboard the ferry, he stood on the deck gripping the railing, feeling the weight of his fake breasts. He gazed out at the Canton coast, feeling empty inside and not knowing what the future would bring. Amid the sounds of the waves and the rays of the sun, between the sky and the ocean, he saw a seagull soaring and heard its cries. He thought of Lin Hong's exhortations over the phone that he return home immediately. As the waves jostled the ferry, and with the breeze blowing through his hair, he began to hear Lin Hong's exhortations in the seagull's cries. As they gradually faded away Song Gang couldn't help weeping, out of a sense of desolation. It had already been a year since he left home. When he left Liu Town, he imagined that he would be home by now, but instead he was traveling farther and farther away.
