Reason to Believe (White Lace)

by Gina Gordon

  As for sex, I needed to commit every movement, every touch and feeling to memory, because there may not be a next time. Our relationship, if you could call it that, was volatile. One sudden movement and the wind would topple the house of cards we were so carelessly living in.

  I should be nipping this thing in the bud, but I was enjoying it too much. It felt too good. Too right. And I’d take all the right I could get, because I had no idea if I’d ever find it again.

  Chapter 15

  Ben

  Grace had slipped out of bed much too early this morning and with Arnold Schwarzenegger at my side I’d watched her get ready for work. I’d watched her dry her body with a white towel after her shower and then dress and put on her face, although she was more beautiful without makeup.

  Before she’d left, she bent over me on the bed for a kiss on the lips, and I’d done what I had to do. I’d turned my cheek.

  I had been raised by a mother who didn’t give a shit about me. A mother who took what she’d wanted when she’d wanted it, without any regard for other people and how it might affect them. Later on, I’d been raised by the Levins and taught that it was okay for me to take things, too.

  Until a few months ago, I hadn’t realized how volatile that mentality really was. There wasn’t anything I didn’t get. I used my money and good looks to take it, and I never looked back.

  I’d brought Grace into that dysfunctional web. I’d wanted her. So I’d taken her. But that simple action of bending over to give me a goodbye kiss this morning had been a wake-up call. I was getting too close. She was getting too comfortable, and I had to nip it in the bud before I gave her enough power to crush me. I’d already known that things between us were fleeting, but last night when she’d told me she wanted Prince Charming to sweep her off her feet, it had become even more apparent.

  Grace was just killing time with me until she found the man who would give her the fairy tale. Everyone knew I was no one’s Prince Charming.

  So then why does that make you feel like shit?

  I washed my face and found a new toothbrush in the closet, freshening myself up to do the walk of shame back to my car, which was parked near the college.

  When I walked out of the bedroom, I found Sadie sipping a cup of coffee. “If it isn’t director of the year.”

  “Hi, Sadie.” I walked into the kitchen, stifling my yawn. Before I had a chance to sit at the small table, she’d shoved a cup of coffee in my hand. “Thank you.”

  “I should be thanking you.” She took out a container from the fridge. The blue and red fruit looked fresh and bright.

  “Why would you thank me?”

  “Because you’ve gotten Grace to pop her cherry. I thought she was becoming a virgin all over again, it had been so long.”

  “What do you mean?” I sipped my coffee, uncertainties swirling around my brain.

  “She hasn’t had sex since she stopped working as an escort.”

  That couldn’t be true. Grace was…experienced. Grace was a beautiful, smart, a perfect woman, and she could have any man she wanted. Paid or not.

  “That can’t be true. She would have said something.”

  Wouldn’t she have said something? I couldn’t believe that she’d pick me to be the one to “pop her cherry,” according to Sadie.

  I had started off hell-bent on keeping my distance, but she’d made it more difficult than finishing the crossword in the New York Times. But the woman I’d thought I had taken into my bed wasn’t the same one I had woken up beside this morning. In fact, she wasn’t the same one I had started this thing with, whatever this was. She never had been, because I had assumed she was just like every other woman I had been with.

  But the more time I spent with Grace, the more I realized she was the exception. I didn’t have anything to give her, nothing to offer, and yet she’d helped me. I had just thought I was one of many men she’d had over the last few months. I had thought I was just another penis giving her what she wanted.

  But I wasn’t.

  I was her exception.

  “You look like someone pissed in that cup of coffee. What’s wrong?”

  Sadie’s red hair was piled on top of her head. She still had the faint line of black makeup around her eyes from the night before. Even a bit of red lining her lips. She was beautiful, a sexy siren who could wrap any man around her finger and use them until she got bored, spitting them out without a second thought.

  “Nothing.” You’re just a complete asshole because you turned away from her kiss. “I just have a lot to do today.”

  Which wasn’t a lie. I had promised Cory that I’d take him to the set today, on top of my meeting with the actors I had delegated some of the location scouting and casting work to. It had lightened the load on my desk, but at the end of the day it was still my decision as to how to proceed. And that made me twitchy.

  Sadie popped a strawberry into her mouth and sucked on her finger. It wasn’t to seduce me. It wasn’t to entice me. It was just her. Somehow she had taken on the escort persona and it had merged with her real person. There was no distinction between Stella and Sadie. They were one and the same. Whether that was from the number of years on the job, or her own decisions, I didn’t know. But I did know that part of the reason I found Grace so intriguing was because she had kept herself separate. And I liked knowing that I was getting a piece of her that no other man did.

  “I’m going for a run.” She grabbed a bottle of water and shoved her iPod into a Velcro band she’d wrapped around her bicep. Reaching into a drawer by the sink, she pulled out a key and left it on the counter. “Will you lock up on your way out?”

  I nodded.

  With a bounce in her step and a flick of her chin, she put in her earbuds and left me.

  I put my cup in the sink and jumped in the shower. I didn’t have enough time to drive all the way home without being a couple of hours late, and I didn’t want to leave Cory hanging.

  In the shower, there were only fruity shampoos and soaps. I did my best to rinse as much of it off as I could…but then couldn’t help but notice when I was toweling dry how soft my skin was. Maybe there was something to all this garbage that women used. I slipped into my dress pants and did without the jacket and tie, leaving the white button-down shirt untucked, and open at the collar. Surprisingly, with the amount of sweat that had secreted from my body in nervousness last night, the shirt didn’t stink. And I knew I had a couple of clean T-shirts at the office I could change into when I got there.

  I grabbed the key Sadie had left on the counter, said goodbye to my new buddy, Arnold Schwarzenegger, then locked the front door behind me.

  When I strolled into the White Lace offices, I was struck by how quiet it was. Usually Barbara had music on and it filled the halls. Instead, now I heard muffled voices. And when I turned the corner, it was my voice I heard.

  Cory and Barbara were huddled at her desk, watching something on her screen.

  The closer I got to them, the louder my voice became. And then I realized it was from last night.

  When they noticed me, Barbara quickly grabbed her mouse and the sound stopped. She cleared her throat, thrusting a folder into Cory’s hand. “You should take this to the set with you today.”

  Cory nodded, backing away with the guiltiest face I’d ever seen.

  “What’s going on?”

  I stopped in front of her desk, peeking around her monitor. She might have stopped the sound, but she hadn’t closed the browser. I saw…me. In the classroom, in my ridiculous pimp suit.

  “Please tell me you filmed that yourself.”

  Cory’s mouth opened, but nothing came out. Instead he shrunk away.

  I turned Barbara’s monitor and the moment I noticed the red and black logo in the top left corner, my stomach roiled.

  YouTube.

  Someone had posted my talk on YouTube.

  “Motherfucker.”

  “It wasn’t me, Ben. I swear.” Cory held out his hands in
a defensive position.

  “I know.” I nodded at him. “I know it wasn’t you.”

  When I looked over at Barbara, she couldn’t even meet my eye. So I decided the only way to show that this was no big deal was to make fun of it. “Did you get to the ‘have you gotten an STD’ part? It’s the highlight.”

  “Oh, Ben. I’m sorry.” Barbara was sincerely sympathetic. “You don’t deserve this.”

  I shook it off, heading to my office. There was too much to do today.

  Cory followed me in. “It’s really not that bad,” he said as he sat in the chair opposite my desk.

  “Not that bad?” I laughed. If I had any hopes of wanting to be taken seriously, that video meant I shouldn’t even bother.

  “You had to have encountered this kind of thing before. People who look down on you just because you work in porn?”

  Sure I had. And I was prepared for it under normal circumstances. When I was just Ben, porn director. But I was not expecting it to come from students who were supposed to be open to learning from others, especially when I was trying to be a professional for the first time in my life.

  What a joke.

  I was the joke.

  And so was my expectation that I’d get through my to-do list before I left the office to take Cory to the set. The day had gone by as slow as molasses, and after taking a call from the merchandising manager of one of the biggest retail outlets we supplied and finding out our deliveries had been wrong for the last three months and she just wanted to call and voice her displeasure, Hirsh skipped out on another meeting—the monthly marketing meeting where we strategized the website ads, social media content, and other items.

  Perfect. Exactly what I needed.

  How was I supposed to prove that I could do this job when Hirsh didn’t have the courtesy of showing up?

  None of that, and not even bringing Cory to his first porn shoot, kept my mind from focusing on the YouTube fiasco. Although in hindsight, I probably shouldn’t have taken him to an orgy scene. I was positive his eyes were going to be bugged out for at least a week.

  When the day was done, I knew I needed to be around friends, so I headed to Max and Everly’s house.

  “There he is,” Max yelled from the living room just as I walked through the door. “The YouTube star has arrived.”

  I was never going to live this down.

  “How the hell do you know?”

  Max laughed. “Because the first thing Ryan did after you told him was text me the link.”

  “I have bad friends.” I shook my head, sinking next to him on the couch, letting my hands flop down beside me.

  “Come on.” Max punched my bicep. “It’s not that bad.”

  “Not that bad. It’s humiliating.” Grace had been wrong. I had looked like an asshole trying too hard in front of a room full of educated and discerning students who already had more dedication and follow-through than I’d ever had. “What am I going to tell your father?”

  “Hirsh is Internet illiterate. Why do you think he hired us in the first place?” Max waved me off. “You don’t have to worry about it. Besides, he wouldn’t be mad.”

  How could he not be mad? His right hand had completely dive-bombed in front of a group of students. In front of potential customers.

  “And the notoriety you’ll get for this will just mean more people going to the website, and more sales. There is no such thing as bad publicity.”

  I still didn’t believe it. “Of all the shitty, ridiculous stuff I’ve done, this is what makes it online?”

  “And what kind of stuff is that?” Grace appeared in the doorway, a tray of food in her hands. Everly sidled up behind her with a bottle of wine and a few glasses.

  “I plead the Fifth.” I sat back in the chair and crossed my ankle over my knee.

  “We don’t have the Fifth Amendment in Canada,” Everly said as she placed the glasses on the coffee table. “The right against self-incrimination is covered under sections eleven and thirteen of the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms.” She stilled. “Whoa. Where did that come from?”

  She looked between Max and Grace with shock. Although I wasn’t so shocked. The girl had been in the top of her class at law school before she’d dropped out.

  “Fine.” I raised my hands in protest. “I invoke sections eleven and thirteen.”

  “So you’re not going to tell us all the scintillating and scandalous things you’ve done?” Grace asked. She was already sipping on a glass of red wine.

  “I’ll tell if you do.” I smirked. I wasn’t going to be the only one to spill their dirty beans. And I had to admit, I was very curious to know all the details about Grace’s past. Somehow I felt like it would bring me closer to her. To understand why and how she had become the woman she was today.

  “I think we need to make a drinking game out of it,” she suggested.

  “Great. Once again I’ll be the only sober one in the room.” Everly downed an entire glass of red wine. When Max placed his hand on her knee, she shrugged. “I need to do something to catch up.”

  “I like this idea.” I stood, walking over to where Max kept the liquor. I pulled a bottle of tequila and a bottle of vodka out of the cabinet. On my way back I picked up four shot glasses from the mini-bar with wheels. “The name of the game is Have You Ever. If you have, take a shot.”

  I looked at Grace, with the point of starting easy. “Have you ever given a blow job?”

  Both Grace and Everly, with much too wide a smile, shot back some vodka.

  I went through the bases, trading off genders, but I knew my answer to the next question was going to be a shocker.

  “Have you ever had sex with a man?”

  I stared down Grace, and the moment she lifted her shot glass, I did the same.

  But her mouth dropped to the floor before the shot glass hit her lips.

  “No way!” Everly shouted. She turned to Max. “Did you know this?” My best friend simply nodded.

  “Have you ever been in an orgy, any mix and match of genders?”

  I’d always been of the opinion, the more the merrier. But not with Grace. The thought of another man touching her made me rage.

  Everly was the only one who didn’t raise her glass. I had to admit, six shots into the game and I was bored. I had started this because I wanted to know more about Grace. But did I really want to know all these things?

  “I think that’s enough for now.”

  “Someone’s a party pooper tonight.” Grace winked before she shot back another vodka without even answering a question.

  “What’s your weirdest escort story,” Max asked, looking at Grace across the coffee table.

  “Well…” She sat back in the armchair, one fingernail clinking on her original glass of wine. “One guy wanted to watch me clean while he masturbated. Oh…” She got very animated and grinned, sitting forward in the chair. “And another guy wanted me to read him a bedtime story before we did it.”

  As the evening progressed, we laughed and joked about our sexual encounters and when we’d sufficiently polished off the bottle of vodka, Max carried Everly upstairs, whispering softly into her ear.

  “So…now what?” Grace eyed me from the couch, a naughty glimmer in her eye.

  We were at the point again where we either went our separate ways or we had sex. I knew which side of the fence I was on, but I wouldn’t push Grace into doing anything she didn’t want to do.

  A knowing smile spread across her face and I was intrigued at what dirty thoughts might be going through her mind at this moment.

  She stood and made her way around the coffee table and stopped, her knees hitting my leg. Holding out her hand, she said, “Come with me if you want to live.”

  I barked out a laugh at her Arnold Schwarzenegger reference. “That’s one of my favorites.”

  She shrugged. “I might have Googled it.”

  It was small, but making an effort to learn movie quotes was probably the nicest thing a w
oman had ever done for me. Once again, she’d taken an interest. And once again, I was in deep danger of losing myself to her charms.

  She wiggled her fingers at me, urging me to take her offer.

  And I did.

  She guided me up the stairs, both of her palms spread across my back as she pushed me to the second floor.

  “Won’t they hear us?” I whispered over my shoulder.

  Everly had been ridiculously drunk and was probably already passed out by now. And Max, well I knew he didn’t care what I did or didn’t do with Grace, even if it was under his roof.

  “What do you think is behind that door, and why does it have a lock on it?” Grace said as we passed the spare room. She sidled up to the door and put her ear to the wood.

  “It’s a home theater.”

  Max had spent weeks trying to find the right electronics and furniture for the room. I had helped of course.

  She pouted. “Really? I thought it would be a sex room.”

  I laughed. “A sex room?”

  “Well, yeah. You didn’t have the pleasure of listening to those two when they…” She stuck her index finger through a hole she made with her other hand.

  “You think just because Max worked in porn he’s a sex freak?”

  “Well, you’re a sex freak, so…yeah.” She giggled.

  I knew she was joking, or at least I wanted to believe she was joking. But I already knew that’s what people thought of me. And just like with everything else that hurt me, I turned it into a joke.

  I crowded her against the door and pulled her to me. “You haven’t seen anything yet, woman.” She shivered in my arms. I loved that my words had such an effect on her. That everything I did was enough to get her libido revved up.

  “Then why don’t you show me?” She shimmied out of my embrace, making her way to the spare bedroom. With a crook of her finger, she said, “I’ve got a bag of sex toys in there that says you’re not as freaky as you let on.”

  “Is that a challenge?” I could get freaky with the best of them. She knew that. So why was she baiting me?