Change of Heart

by Scarlett Edwards

  I fix my eyes on him. “What are you talking about?”

  “I’m talking about… losing control. I think that is what frightens you most.”

  I huff dismissively. “I’ve never seen your philosophical side before.”

  “Just listen. We’ve spent enough time together for me to understand you. Not a lot, just a little. But maybe that’s enough. I know you’re always trying to take care of yourself. By yourself.”

  “I have to,” I tell him. “The world hasn’t given me much of a choice.”

  “You have a choice now, Penny.” He locks his gaze with mine. “You have me. I promise, I will take care of you. Through the best times and the worst.” His hands moves to overlap mine. “But only if you want me to. Whatever happens, I will always do the right thing by you.”

  Rich leans across and kisses me gently, sweetly, on the forehead. I shudder when his lips leave my skin.

  “Only if you want,” he repeats.

  “Rich…”

  “I also know this. Nobody can tell what the future holds. Whatever happens, I want to be there with you. I can’t promise you anything more than what we have now. Is it going to be enough? I don’t know. But I fucking hope to God it will be.”

  Rich turns away. “You don’t have to say anything now. I’ll leave you to think things through.”

  ***

  Only when Rich’s body disappears behind the closed door do I let out the breath I’d been holding.

  I wander around pointlessly on the patio, doing everything I can to avoid focusing on the most burning question in my mind.

  One minute, Rich wants me to leave. The next, he doesn’t. He’s conflicted, probably as much as I am. Min told me he always keeps his promises. Is that what’s tearing at him? His promise to keep me safe and the impossible reconciliation of his desire to keep me close?

  The thing he said about losing control cut so close to the bone that it scares me.

  He’s right, of course. My whole life I had to be the one in control. There was no other way to live. Being in control was what helped me to survive on my own.

  But now, things were changing. Feelings I would never have expected a week ago were blooming in my chest.

  They all center around Rich.

  ‘I will take care of you.’ His promise sounds too good to be true. I have never had the luxury to rely on somebody else.

  I sit on an empty bench and look at my hands. I trace the spot on my forehead where Rich had kissed me. Why was he being so sweet all of a sudden?

  Maybe it is love. But I’ve been burned enough times not to believe in fairy tales. Life is no Disney movie. When the clock strikes twelve, there is never a prince who will save you.

  Except… could Rich be my prince? Could he pull me from my solitary existence?

  I think about what Min had said. ‘Does he inspire me to be a better person?’

  I think, yes.

  ‘Do I want to be with him through the highest highs and lowest lows?’

  I know, yes.

  Still, a creeping doubt in the back of my mind prevents me from embracing the idea fully.

  Is a week enough time to know that you love someone? Is that brief amount of time sufficient for you to truly know a person?

  Everything I’d gone through with Abby tells me, “No.” I thought I knew the girl. How wrong I had been. She turned out to be a lying, irresponsible leech.

  Not that I can ever compare Rich to Abby. They are nothing alike. But my experience with my roommate tells me that I need to remain cautious. I can’t jump into Rich’s arms because my heart wants me to.

  I have responsibilities that don’t involve Rich. I have my work, my education. All the things in my life I’d tried to straighten out after leaving the orphanage. All the things I put on hold while going on this wild run with him.

  As much as it hurts to admit, maybe leaving Rich now would be the best thing for me. I’d cry about him for weeks after. But if Min was strong enough to endure a clean break, maybe I can be, too.

  The difference is, Min has a chance to go back. If I leave Rich, there will be no going back.

  I stand up and start to pace the patio. I’m restless. I’m anxious. I’m a confused mess.

  No. No, I cannot just leave Rich behind. I can’t just forget about him. Even if I wanted to, I know my mind will never let go.

  I take a deep breath and try to calm myself. I don’t know what to think. I wish I had someone to go to for advice.

  I dig under my shirt, pull out my locket, and open it. There’s not enough light to see the picture. It doesn’t matter. The image is permanently etched in my mind.

  I hold the locket tightly and bring it to my lips. “I wish you were still around to tell me what to do,” I whisper. “I wish I could have had the chance to know you, dad.”

  I hold the locket close to my face for a long time. Then I sigh, and tuck it back under my shirt. Wishing for things to change never accomplishes anything. Actions are what determine a life.

  I slump against the railing. I can’t remember ever feeling this uncertain. Min thinks I should tell Rich how I feel. I’m terrified that he might not feel the same way. Even if he says he does, how am I to know that it will last? I can’t begin to fathom the true inner workings of a male mind. What if a week is too short a time? What if he says he loves me now, then grows bored with me in the future? Where will that leave me?

  Nowhere, that’s where. I’d be lost. Rich’s analysis of me was frightening in its accuracy. I do need to be in control. If I go any further with him, I risk losing what little control I have left over my life.

  Rich had sacrificed everything for his sister. I’d seen them together today. Their love for each other is undeniable.

  That puts me in an awkward position. Family comes first, right? I don’t have any direct experience, but that is how I’ve always thought things work. If things come down to Rich having to choose between me and his little sister, who will he pick? If it’s a question of mine or Min’s safety, whose will he protect first?

  I swallow the lump in my throat. I have no doubt that it will be Min. They have a blood bond. Rich and I have… what? A few strong feelings? An unsteady relationship based on less than a week together?

  How can I know those feelings will last ? I ask myself.

  That makes up my mind. The uncertainty is the reason Rich and I can never be together. Not in the way I might dream of. One week is just not enough time to know if you love a person.

  I stand up, my decision sealed. A quick cut will be for the best. Maybe I can even leave without seeing Rich. That way, I won’t risk changing my mind.

  Every step of the long walk across the rooftop hurts more than I can bear. I feel absolutely hollow inside.

  I pause in front of the door. I take deep, steadying breath. This is it. There will be no changing my mind after this.

  I reach for the doorknob… and catch the reflection of the stars glimmering on the shiny metal.

  My breath catches. All the memories of last night come flooding back. The way Rich stared deep into my eyes as he entered me. The way he called out my name as we orgasmed together. The possessive way he held me afterward, like nothing in the world could ever come between us.

  No. No, I can’t leave Rich! I can’t forget the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

  I swing the door open and run down the stairs two at a time. I can’t believe how close I’d come to making the biggest mistake of my life.

  Rich’s words echo through my mind. ‘I will take care of you.’ Nothing else matters. I realize, all of a sudden, that Rich and I have more in common than I had ever thought. Nobody ever took care of me. Nobody ever took care of Rich, either. He had a father, but the man never cared. His mother had died when he was young. His sister had been very little when he left home.

  He’s always been on his own. Just like me.

  I feel the excitement blooming in my chest as I run through the hall. I can take care of R
ich. I can be that person. Neither of us has to be alone anymore. We can have each other. We can love each other. Together. Forever.

  I pound on the door as soon as I reach it. Min opens it. I leap by her. Rich is just turning the corner when I jump into his arms.

  “I’m staying,” I tell him. “Here. With you.” I laugh. “I love you, Richard Blackthorne, and there’s not a damn thing you can do to make me change my mind.”

  The End.