The Emotionally Abusive Relationship_How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing

by Beverly Engel

  Type Four: It Is Not Clear Who Is Abusing Whom

  In intimate relationships it isn't always clear who is emotionally abusing whom. Some abusive partners are masters at deflecting blame and turning things around. Some deliberately use the gaslighting technique I described earlier to cause their partner to doubt their perceptions or to begin to think they are insane. And often, one partner is so focused on what she perceives as emotionally abusive treatment from her partner that she is oblivious to the harm she is causing with her own behavior. This is especially true of some who suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder (see chapter 8) since they often perceive themselves as helpless victims-even when their own behavior may have affected or created a situation.

  The following case is a good example. When I first began to see Christine and Kyle, it wasn't initially clear who was abusing whom.

  During our first session, Christine insisted that her husband Kyle was emotionally abusive. "He is so dismissive and adversarial. He usually thinks my ideas and opinions are silly, and he argues with me about even the smallest things. He constantly disapproves of the way I raise our daughter, and I don't really think he trusts me to be a good mother."

  From listening to Christine's perspective on their marital problems, it would seem that she was probably right about Kyle being emotionally abusive. That was before I heard Kyle's side of the story.

  "I guess you could call me adversarial if you mean I don't agree with everything Christine says and does. She hates it if I have a different opinion about something. She says I'm not being supportive. For example, she'll complain to me about something a friend did, and I know she just wants me to listen and say something supportive like `That's terrible that she did that to you.' But I know Christine. I know how critical and judgmental she is of everyone. And I know she can make people really angry. So instead I'll say something like `I'm sure she was just angry with you. She's been a good friend. I'm sure you two will work it out.' This will make her furious with me, and she'll start yelling at me about how I never take her side-how I'm more like her enemy than her partner. She complains about me so much that I'm beginning to think we shouldn't be together. I've left a few times, but she always calls me at work and begs me to come home. When I hesitate, she threatens to kill herself if I don't."

  It was becoming apparent that there was more to the story than Kyle being dismissive and adversarial. This was made abundantly clear the next time I saw them. Christine started explaining to me more about their relationship. Kyle sat quietly and allowed her to finish, but then said that he saw things a bit differently. Christine became very angry with Kyle and said, to me, "You see what I mean? He disagrees with everything I say." When I suggested to Christine that Kyle had a right to disagree with her, she got upset and started yelling about how I had no idea what life was really like with Kyle. She stood up and started pacing the floor, saying things like "Kyle has ruined my life" and calling him a fucking asshole. She turned to Kyle and told him he was such a poor excuse for a man that no other woman would want him.

  Kyle seemed to crumble before me. He didn't argue with her or fight back in any way but instead looked down and lowered his head. It was clear that Christine regularly emotionally abused him in this way.

  As time went by it became apparent that it was Christine who was being emotionally abusive, not Kyle. In fact, it turned out that due to his emotionally abusive childhood and his subsequent low selfesteem, Kyle put up with behavior from Christine that no one should put up with. Not only did he allow her to degrade him verbally by calling him horrible names and saying terribly demeaning things about him, but he bent over backwards to please Christine, even though she constantly found fault with everything he did. Because he doubted his perceptions, Kyle bought into Christine's constant blaming him for their problems.

  As it was with Christine, it is quite common for those with a history of emotional abuse to feel they are being victimized, even when they are the ones who are being abusive. This is true for several reasons. First, many who were emotionally abused in childhood (especially those who were physically or emotionally rejected or abandoned by one or both parents) are extremely sensitive to any perceived rejection or abandonment from others. In Christine's case, whenever someone disagreed with her, she experienced it as rejection. And even though she was extremely critical and judgmental of others, if someone disagreed with her, she interpreted this as criticism.

  Second, those who were emotionally abused in childhood or in a previous relationship-especially those who were overly controlled or emotionally smothered-are often extremely sensitive to anything that seems remotely like control, even when they themselves are controlling. To these people, even commitment can feel like emotional suffocation. Therefore, if they constantly create chaos in the relationship, it gives them a sense of freedom from the stifling confinement of intimacy.

  Third, one of the most common effects of a history of abuse is hypersensitivity. Those with an abusive past often develop a radar system tuned to pick up any comment or action from others that could be interpreted as being negative. And because they are so used to criticism, disapproval, or negative judgments, they often hear these types of comments from others even when they aren't being expressed, and they act accordingly, often in the extreme. Victims of childhood emotional abuse are notorious for flying off the handle at the least provocation, berating those around them or damaging property.

  Type Five: One Partner Sets Up the Other to Become Emotionally Abusive

  Sometimes one partner will deliberately set the scene so that his partner will lose her temper and be made to look like the abusive one. At other times it is done unconsciously, as when one partner's behavior is so hurtful or disrespectful that the other person becomes enraged and even out of control. Although there is never an excuse for abusive behavior, when a person is pushed to the limit, it is difficult to not retaliate in kind.

  Derrick and Stephanie had been going out for over a year. Derrick, who worked out of town, asked Stephanie to dinner on Friday night. He asked her to call him on his cell phone so he could tell her what time he'd be getting in. Stephanie called at 3 P.M. and again at 4 P.M., but there was no answer. By 5 P.M., when she hadn't heard from him and he still wasn't answering his cell phone, she began to become concerned that he might have gotten into an accident. He never went anywhere without his cell phone. At 7 P.M. she called his cell phone and his home phone, but there was no answer on either. Very worried at this point, she called Derrick's next-door neighbor, who was a friend of hers, and asked if she'd seen him.

  The neighbor reported that she hadn't seen his car in the driveway. Stephanie then called his ex-wife to see if he'd called her or been by to see his daughter, which he hadn't.

  Stephanie continued to call Derrick's home until after 9 P.M., when he finally answered. "Oh, thank God you're all right," she stammered, relieved to hear his voice. "Where have you been?"

  "I'm not going to answer that question," he said defensively. Stephanie tried to explain, "I've been worried sick that something happened to you. Why didn't you call me? Why didn't you answer your cell phone?"

  "I forgot it. Why should I have called you?"

  "You asked me to dinner, that's why. And you asked me to call you on your cell phone to set the time. I thought you were lying in a ditch somewhere. I was so worried I ended up calling Marcie and your ex."

  "You what? Why in the hell did you get them involved? What's wrong with you?"

  At this point Stephanie completely lost it. She started yelling into the phone at Derrick: "What's wrong with me? What's wrong with you? You asked me to go to dinner. You asked me to call you, and then you don't even answer your cell phone. What was I supposed to think? You never go anywhere without that damn phone. What else could I think but that you'd been in an accident?"

  "I don't have to listen to this. You're acting like some crazy stalker. You scare me." With this he hung up on Stephanie.

  Stephanie was enraged. S
he called him back, but there was no answer. This sent her over the edge. She got in her car and sped over to his house, where she stormed up to his door and pounded on it, insisting that he let her in. It wasn't until Derrick threatened to call the police that Stephanie finally got in her car and drove away.

  The next day Derrick showed up at Stephanie's door with flowers in hand, telling her he loved her.

  What do you make of this situation? Do you think Derrick was wrong not to call Stephanie? Do you understand why Stephanie acted as she did, since anyone would have been worried? Or do you agree with Derrick that Stephanie was acting like a stalker and had no right to involve his neighbor and ex-wife?

  After working with Derrick and Stephanie for several sessions, it became clear that both had some major issues to work on and that both contributed to this scenario. It turned out that Derrick had such an aversion to commitment that he couldn't even commit to a time for their date. He wanted Stephanie to call him just in case he changed his mind and decided not to take her to dinner. By doing this he put Stephanie in a one-down position, which is where he liked to keep her. By not taking his cell phone and not calling her, he deliberately kept her hanging. He was finally even able to admit that he sometimes deliberately tried to make her angry so he'd have an excuse to distance himself from her.

  Stephanie's part in this situation was that she continued to go along with Derrick's games. When he asked her to call him on his cell phone, she should have refused and instead tried to pin him down to a definite time for their date. If he was unable to set a time, she should have declined the date. But Stephanie is very needy and afraid to be alone and was therefore willing to go along with Derrick in order to get the good things he sometimes gave her-attention and affection.

  While it was understandable that she would become worried, by calling his neighbor and ex-wife she crossed a boundary, and Derrick had good reason to be angry with her. Instead of sitting with her anxiety, Stephanie took action, but her actions were inappropriate. She was acting more like a mother than a girlfriend by trying to track him down.

  Type Six. One Partner Is Abusive

  Due to a Mental Illness or Personality Disorder

  Colin hated to get up in the morning. He knew that he would immediately be greeted with accusations and complaints from his wife.

  She goes over the same things every day. How I'm not making enough money for us to save for our retirement. How afraid she is that she'll end up being a bag lady starving on the streets. It doesn't matter how much I assure her that we have a good retirement plan and that by the time we retire there will be plenty of money for us to live comfortably-it never reassures her. Then she'll start in on the same old song and dance about how I tricked her into marrying me-how I led her to believe I had more money than I did and how I didn't really love her but just saw her as a sex object. I've heard these same accusations every day for over twenty years, and it doesn't matter what I say. I can tell her I didn't mean to imply I had more money than I did, that she made some assumptions because of the car I drove and the profession I'm in. I can tell her that I did and do love her with all my heart and that it doesn't matter to me if we ever have sex again (which, by the way, we hardly ever have), but it doesn't ever do any good-it's like pouring water into a bucket that has a hole in it. It may quiet her for a few minutes, but before I know it she's onto something else-I need to fix something in the house, I said something to someone that hurt her feelings-it goes on and on. Thank God I get to go to work or I'd hear it all day long-which is exactly what happens on the weekends. She follows me from one room to another, crying, yelling, throwing one accusation after another at me. I end up feeling like a prisoner in my own home. I don't know what to do.

  There is really very little Colin can do. His analogy of a bucket with a hole in it is actually quite profound, because it describes a particular personality disorder to a T.From everything Colin described, it sounds like his wife suffers from obsessive thoughts brought on by Borderline Personality Disorder, which we will discuss in later chapters. Colin needs to come to terms with the fact that he is being emotionally abused and that his wife needs professional help.

  Type Seven: One or Both Partners Has an Abusive Personality

  Some individuals have what can be considered to be an "abusive personality." Although they can be somewhat charming at times and can sometimes manage to put on a false front in public when it is absolutely necessary, their basic personality is characterized by:

  1. A need to dominate and control others

  2. A tendency to blame others for all their problems and to take all their frustrations out on other people

  3. Verbal abuse

  4. Frequent emotional and sometimes physical outbursts, and

  5. An overwhelming need to retaliate and hurt others for real and imagined slights or affronts

  They insist on being "respected" while giving no respect to others. Their needs are paramount, and they show a blatant disregard for the needs and feelings of others.

  These people wreak havoc with the lives of nearly every person they come in contact with. They verbally abuse their coworkers or employees, they are insulting and obnoxious to service people, they are controlling and domineering toward their children, and they constantly blame others when something goes wrong. When this type of person becomes intimately involved with a partner, there is absolutely nothing that partner can do to prevent abuse from occurring. Their only hope is to get as far away from the person as possible.

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  The Patterns That Begin in Childhood: Why We Abuse and Why We Take It

  The events of childhood do not pass, But repeat themselves like seasons of the _year.

  ELEANOR PARJEON

  No one consciously chooses to become a victim of emotional abuse, particularly from the one they love. And few people consciously set out to emotionally abuse another human being, especially someone they care about. So how did you get where you are today? Why are you in an emotionally abusive relationship? Why did you begin to emotionally abuse your partner or to be emotionally abused by your partner? Why are you and your partner emotionally abusing each other?

  In this chapter you'll find the answers to these questions. You'll also learn how we develop certain unhealthy patterns of behavior at an early age, patterns that can follow us all our lives until we begin to understand them, interrupt them, and trade them in for healthier ones.

  If you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, it is very likely that you were emotionally abused as a child. This may sound like an extreme statement, but believe me, it is not. The truth is, few people put up with emotional abuse as an adult unless they were abused as a child. And nearly every person who becomes emotionally abusive has a history of such abuse in childhood.

  EXERCISE: Were You Abused or Neglected as a Child?

  Often we grow up thinking that the way we were treated was normal and to be expected, when in fact it was abusive or neglectful. Emotional abuse is sometimes so innocuous and leaves such invisible scars that many people do not realize they were emotionally abused as a child. Emotional abuse of children includes all the following categories. Make a note of each type of abuse you experienced.

  •Physical neglect-when a parent does not feed a child enough food or provide the basic necessities such as clothing, shelter, or medical attention if needed

  •Emotional neglect or deprivation-when parents don't take an interest in their child, do not talk to or hold and hug their child, and are generally emotionally unavailable to their child. Alcoholic parents, in particular, are often neglectful of their children's needs

  •Physical abandonment-when parents leave a child alone in the home or car for long periods of time or do not pick their child up at a designated time and place

  •Verbal abuse-constantly putting a child down, name-calling, being overly critical

  •Boundary violation-not respecting a child's ne
ed for privacy, such as constantly walking in on a child in the bathroom without knocking, entering a child's bedroom without knocking (especially an adolescent's room), going through a child's private belongings as a regular habit (not as a way of monitoring a troubled child's behavior)

  •Emotional sexual abuse-when parents create an inappropriate bond with their child or use their child to meet their own emotional needs, the relationship can easily become romanticized and sexualized

  •Role reversal-when a parent expects a child to meet his or her needs; to, in essence, parent them

  •Chaotic abuse-being raised in a family where there was very little stability but instead constant upheaval and discord

  •Social abuse-when parents directly or indirectly interfere with their child's access to his or her peers or fail to teach their child essential social skills

  •Intellectual abuse-when a child's thinking is ridiculed or attacked and she or he is not allowed to differ from the parent's point of view

  The Repetition Compulsion

  One of the most significant patterns established by those who were emotionally abused in childhood is based on what is called the "repetition compulsion"-an unconscious drive to repeat the same type of abusive relationship we ourselves experienced as a child in an attempt to accomplish a new outcome. The repetition compulsion compels us to transfer our longings, conflicts, and defenses from the past onto the present in an attempt to undo the past. It drives us to relive the same story over and over again in the hope that this time the ending will be different.

  As Judith Viorst, the author of Necessary Losses, so eloquently put it: "Whom we love and how we love are revivals-unconscious revivals-of early experiences, even when revival brings us pain.... We will act out the same old tragedies unless awareness and insight intervene."

  Our patterns may take different forms, but ultimately the source of the pattern is the same. Unless and until we become aware of the source of our pattern, we are destined to repeat it over and over throughout our lifetimes. For example, let's say that your mother was very unaffectionate and rejecting of you. Each time you reached out to her for love or comfort she rebuffed you by telling you she was too busy or too tired to attend to you. If you persisted or became upset at her rejection, she made fun of you, called you a crybaby, or accused you of being overly demanding.