The Emotionally Abusive Relationship_How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing

by Beverly Engel

  If you are in a relatively new relationship and have begun to see warning signs of emotional or verbal abuse, a serious discussion with your partner is probably the best approach. Many people are simply unaware that their behavior is abusive. If he is young or has little or no experience in a long-term relationship, he may simply be repeating one or both parents' behavior without being aware of how it affects his partner. Even if a person has been in previous relationships, their past partners may have put up with the abuse without saying anything or may have blamed themselves for their partner's behavior, never realizing that they were being abused.

  Your decision whether to choose approach one or two may also have to do with whether your partner is a person who has abusive behavior or someone who is an abusive person by nature. If he or she simply has some bad behaviors, approach number one may work well to help him become more conscious of how his behavior affects you. But if he has an abusive personality, approach number two will work better since reasoning with him will not likely be effective.

  APPROACH NUMBER ONE-THE SERIOUS DISCUSSION

  Tell your partner that you have something important to talk to him or her about and that you'd like to set up a time to do so. Make sure you choose a time that is good for both of you and a time when you will not be distracted by the kids, the television, or the telephone. In fact, it is best to unplug the phone and turn off all distractions when you have your talk. If she becomes curious or anxious and wants to have the talk immediately, make sure you are in the right frame of mind before giving in to her request. If you are not prepared to have the talk, simply assure your partner that while the discussion is an important one, it can wait for a more appropriate time. If you feel you are unable to talk to her at all, write her a letter.

  I suggest you begin by telling your partner that you have been unhappy with some of the ways she has been treating you or speaking to you. If this is the first time you've brought this up, let her know that you care about her but that the way she treats you is affecting the way you feel about her and that you are afraid it will ultimately destroy the relationship. If you have tried talking to her about this before, remind her of this. Let her know that you haven't noticed a change on her part and that this is unacceptable to you.

  If she seems open to what you are saying, tell her you appreciate her willingness to work on the relationship, and ask her if she'd like some examples of the kinds of behavior you are talking about. At this point you do not need to define the behavior as emotionally or verbally abusive. It will be difficult enough for her to hear your examples without being accused of being abusive. Don't be surprised if she makes excuses or becomes defensive. This is understandable. But don't allow the discussion to turn into an argument. If she begins to accuse you of making things up, imagining things, or trying to create problems where none exist, say something like the following: "What you are doing right now is an example of the kind of behavior I have been talking about. You are negating my experience and making accusations. Please stop." If she gets angry and becomes verbally abusive, say, "You are being verbally abusive. Stop it right now."

  Tell your partner that from now on you are going to let her know when her behavior has become offensive to you and that you hope she will cooperate by being open to these reminders so that she can begin to change her behavior.

  APPROACH NUMBER TWO-CONFRONTING AT THE TIME

  If you choose to tell your partner by confronting him the next time he is abusive, the following suggestions will help:

  •Speak up. The very next time your partner says something that is abusive or treats you in an emotionally abusive way, immediately say to him, "I don't want you to talk to me that way (or treat me that way). It is abusive (or inconsiderate or disrespectful). I don't deserve to be treated that way."

  Thiswill no doubt get his attention. He is likely to be startled by your response and may even be at a loss for words at first. But be prepared for an argument, excuses, and even anger. He may tell you that he didn't do any such thing, that you made him say what he said, or that he treated you as he did because of your behavior. This leads us to the next step.

  •Don 't argue; just stand your ground. If your partner defends himself by making excuses or blaming you, don't get caught up in the argument. Stand your ground by repeating the exact words you said before, "I don't want you to talk to me like that (or treat me like that). It is abusive and I don't deserve to be treated that way."

  •Be prepared for silence. Instead of arguing, some partners will completely ignore you when you confront them about their behavior. This is itself disrespectful and abusive. In essence he is saying to you, "You're not even important enough for me to listen to or respond to." Don't let him get away with it. If he gives you the silent treatment, say, "Ignoring me and giving me the silent treatment is also emotionally abusive (or inappropriate, unacceptable, or disrespectful), and I don't appreciate it. I deserve to be heard and for my words to be honored."

  •Offer information if requested. If your partner seems genuinely surprised by what you have said and sincerely asks you for more information about what you meant by it, by all means offer it to him. You can explain that you discovered through reading this book that you are being emotionally abused by his behavior. If he seems genuinely interested, give him the book to read, and/or suggest you seek counseling together.

  Time will tell whether your confrontation has had an impact on your partner. Often such confrontations enable an abusive partner to recognize the inappropriateness of her behavior and to understand that her behavior is hurtful to her partner and is having a negative effect on her relationship. When these realizations are made, people do sometimes change. Even those who are aware that they are being abusive sometimes stop their abusive behavior when they discover that their partner realizes he is being abused, states he will no longer allow it, and means what he says.

  It is also possible that your partner may have been testing you to see just how much she could get away with. As I've mentioned earlier, some partners lose respect for their mates when they allow abuse to occur. By speaking up and letting her know you will not tolerate such behavior, you may not only stop the abusive behavior but also gain back your partner's respect.

  On the other hand, some people deliberately look for partners they can dominate and control or someone who will be a scapegoat for their anger. If your new partner is such a person, your confrontation will tip him off that you are not the kind of partner he is looking for, and he may choose to move on. If this is the case, you are better off without him.

  Whether this confrontation and your continued attempts to confront your partner's abusive behavior are effective or not, your efforts will not be in vain. By continuing to confront your partner on his or her unacceptable behavior, you will affirm in your own mind that you do not deserve to be treated in these ways. This will, in turn, help raise your self-esteem and help you take one step closer to ending the relationship. In the future you will know that you can recognize emotional abuse when it occurs and that you can respond appropriately.

  Step Six: Pay Attention to Your Feelings

  Sometimes emotional abuse is so subtle that it can occur before you get a chance to stop it. It can be a certain look, a particular tone of voice, or even a pregnant pause. Paying close attention to how you are feeling when you are in your partner's presence will alert you to when your partner is beginning to get abusive. This will help you to catch him in the act before he gets too carried away.

  Notice when your stomach begins to get tight or when you feel a sinking sensation in your stomach. Notice any mood changes on your part. For example, if you have been feeling cheerful and light and you suddenly feel depressed or anxious, try to remember what your partner just said to you or whether she just gave you a certain look. You may have been a victim of a put-down without realizing it, or his attitude toward you may have been condescending. The same can be true if you had been feeling confident and spontaneous but now feel inse
cure and are now guarding your words.

  Step Seven: Take Your Power Back by Setting and Enforcing Your Boundaries

  No one gives you power; you must take it. Most people reading this book had their personal power taken from them as children when they were neglected or abused. As a result, most have either continued to relinquish their power to others or have developed a false sense of power over others as a way of compensating. If you are being emotionally abused, you have given your power over to your partner. Now it is time to take it back.

  You began to take your power back by admitting that you are being emotionally abused and by confronting your partner about his abusive behavior. Now you need to take one step further and convince yourself that you don't deserve to be mistreated. You must begin to recognize that no one has a right to have power over you and that no one has a right to dictate how you should think, feel, or act. You are an adult and are therefore equal to all other adults, including your part ner. Your partner is not perfect and is not your superior, and therefore, he or she does not have a right to criticize or judge you.

  EXERCISE: Putting Things into Perspective

  Make a list of your partner's faults, shortcomings, personality defects, and inadequacies. This is not about judging your partner or "taking someone else's inventory" as they say in twelve-step programs. It is about you taking an honest look at who your partner really is so that you can begin to recognize that he or she is not superior to you. He has problems and inadequacies just like everyone else and therefore has no right to sit in judgment of anyone else or to tell anyone else how they should run their lives.

  SET BOUNDARIES AND LIMITS

  One of the best ways of taking your power back is to set and enforce your boundaries. Many of you may be quite familiar with the concept of boundaries; for those of you who are not, here is a brief overview of exactly what boundaries are and how to set them.

  Boundaries separate us from other people. There are physical boundaries and emotional boundaries. Your skin is an example of a physical boundary since your skin creates a physical barrier that separates you from all other living and nonliving organisms. We also have an invisible boundary around our body that is often referred to as our comfort zone. Our comfort zone varies depending upon the situation. For example, you are no doubt much more comfortable allowing a friend to stand close to you than you would a stranger. And even though most people would be comfortable allowing their partners to stand or sit extremely close to them, a person who has been abused by a partner might prefer his or her partner to remain at a more comfortable distance.

  An emotional boundary usually takes the form of a limit. We all have limits as to what feels appropriate and safe when it comes to how others treat us emotionally. What may feel fine to me may feel uncomfortable to you. But unless you tell me you are uncomfortable, I will never know, and I will continue treating you in a manner that is uncomfortable to you. This doesn't help either one of us. If you allow someone to emotionally abuse you, you are not honoring and protecting your boundaries, and you are also participating in the erosion of your relationship. Protecting yourself sets a necessary limit for both you and your partner, and this in turn protects the relationship.

  Emotional abuse is essentially a boundary violation. A boundary violation occurs when someone crosses the physical or emotional limits set by another person. All relationships, even our most intimate ones, have limits as to what is appropriate. When someone crosses the line between what is appropriate and inappropriate, whether they do it knowingly or unknowingly, that person has violated our boundary.

  Boundary violations may be accidental or deliberate. A person can violate your boundaries out of ignorance, malice, entitlement, or even out of kindness. But no matter how or why it occurs, a boundary violation is still harmful.

  Most of us begin a relationship thinking we have certain limits as to what we will or will not tolerate from a partner. But as the relationship progresses, we tend to move our boundaries back, tolerating more and more intrusion or going along with things we are really opposed to. While this can occur even in healthy relationships, in abusive ones partners begin tolerating unacceptable and even abusive behavior and then convince themselves that these behaviors are normal and acceptable, and they believe their partner when he or she tells them they deserve such behavior.

  EXERCISE: Establishing Your Boundaries

  In order to set your boundaries, you need to know what they are. Only you can decide what you will and will not accept in your relationship. The following sentence-completion exercise will help you become aware of your limits and to establish or reestablish your boundaries.

  •Spend some time thinking about specific behaviors that you are no longer willing to tolerate from your partner. Refer back to chapter 2 to remind yourself of the different types of emotional abuse.

  •With these behaviors in mind, complete the following sentence: I will no longer allow my partner to

  Continue writing the stem of the sentence and completing it until you have included every abusive, inappropriate, or disrespectful behavior you can think of.

  Examples:

  I will no longer allow my partner to make fun of me, make sarcastic comments to me, or to verbally abuse me in any way.

  I will no longer allow my partner to make me doubt my perceptions.

  COMMUNICATE YOUR LIMITS AND BOUNDARIES

  Your partner needs to know you have limits and boundaries. Otherwise, you continue to give up your power and control and, in essence, give him permission to abuse you. In order to establish your boundaries, you will need to communicate them by clearly stating what you will and what you will not accept from your partner. For example:

  •"It is no longer acceptable to me for you to invade my privacy. That means I do not want you listening to my phone conversations, opening my mail, or going through my drawers."

  •"I will no longer accept you criticizing and correcting me. I am not a child, and I don't expect to be treated like one."

  Setting your boundaries also includes stating any changes you intend to make in the way you behave or react in the relationship. For example:

  •"I am no longer going to ask your permission to go places or to buy something. I am an adult and can make these choices on my own."

  You don't have to explain or justify why you will no longer allow your partner to treat you in a certain way or why you are going to behave differently. They are your boundaries, and that is all there is to it.

  Be prepared for any number of reactions. If your partner is simply guilty of a few bad habits, she may be very willing to honor your limits. Although she may initially try to argue with you, explain to you why her behavior is justified, or act like she doesn't understand; in time you may see her making an effort to respect your wishes. She may fall back into the offensive behavior from time to time, but overall you will recognize some changes.

  If, on the other hand, your partner is hostile toward you, he will probably take offense at what you are saying and may tell you he can say or do anything he chooses. He may ignore you, act as if it is a joke, tell you you are a controlling bitch, or yell at you.

  If he is a control freak, he will be very threatened by your assertions because he will recognize the fact that he is losing control over you. He may try to sabotage your efforts by denying that he ever treats you that way and insinuate that you are crazy. He may tell you that you don't know what you are talking about, or he may counter with complaints of his own.

  Also be prepared for your partner to test you to see whether you will change your mind. Don't allow her to talk you out of your boundaries or to question your reasons for maintaining them, and don't allow her to manipulate you into feeling guilty about setting them. The more you are consistent and don't back down, the more it will become clear that you mean what you say.

  Step Eight: Continue to Speak Up

  After you have done the work of stating your boundaries, you will need to make sure they don't c
ontinue to be violated. In order to accomplish this, you must bring each and every violation to your partner's attention as it occurs. This will, of course, be very difficult. It will require that you pay attention to what is going on in your relationship moment by moment and that you respond immediately to any sign of abuse. You may be afraid of making him angry or of starting a fight. You may be tempted to let something go because you don't want to ruin a perfectly nice evening. But in order for your boundaries to be respected you must be consistent and bring up each violation immediately. Otherwise your partner will take your silence as permission to continue the behavior.

  State your grievance in a direct, nonblaming way. There is no need for name-calling, and you should avoid making statements using the words you, always, and never, such as, "You always make fun of me in front of your mother," or "You never listen to my point of view." Instead, simply state your grievance using I statements such as "I've asked you to stop making fun of me and you're doing it again. Please stop it," or "I would like it if you'd listen to my point of view instead of waving me away like that"

  Often the clearest and most effective message is simply to say, "Stop it!" This firm response will let your partner know you will not tolerate any abuse.

  Don't back down, and don't apologize for bringing up the issue. There is no need to argue about what you've said. If he defends himself, listen to what he has to say and then state, "You have the right to your point of view, but I am going to stand by what I've said. I don't like to be treated that way."

  Boundary violations can be healed in the moment if you tell your partner that she has violated a boundary and she immediately apologizes for it and assures you she will not do it again. Unfortunately, this doesn't happen very often. Your partner is likely to become defensive, to act insulted, or to deny that she violated your boundary. This should not discourage you from bringing up offenses, however. While she may deny the violation at the time, after thinking it over she may realize what she has done and try harder to honor your boundaries. Plus, you need the practice in standing up for yourself and asserting your limits. Over time, you may be surprised to see subtle and not-so-subtle changes taking place in both of you.