The Emotionally Abusive Relationship_How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing

by Beverly Engel

  6. Mirror Your Partner 's Projections Instead of Taking Them In

  Those who suffer from BPD tend to project their own feelings onto others, particularly their partners. Many partners tend to absorb these projections and soak up their pain and rage. Mason and Kreger, the authors of Stop Walking on Eggshells, call this "sponging." Instead of acting like a sponge, try acting more like a mirror-reflecting your partner's painful feelings back to her or him.

  7. Disengage If Your Limits Aren 't Observed or If You or Your Partner Is Losing Control

  If your partner is unable to or refuses to honor the limits you have set or if a situation arises that threatens to get out of hand, the best thing you can do is to emotionally or physically disengage from her. Don't stubbornly continue to assert your point of view when you can see that it is triggering your partner or causing her to become enraged. In her emotional state, she will not be able to really hear you or take in your perspective anyway, and if you persist, she is likely to resort to name-calling, character assassination, or suicidal threats. And don't feel obligated to continue a discussion that has eroded into an argument just because your partner wants to continue it. Here are some suggestions for ways to disengage:

  •Change the subject or refuse to continue the discussion.

  •Say no firmly and stick to it.

  •Leave the room or the house if necessary.

  •If the discussion or argument occurs on the phone, hang up and refuse to answer if she calls back.

  •Stop the car or refuse to drive until your partner has calmed down.

  •Stop seeing your partner for a while.

  •Suggest you continue the discussion in your therapist's office.

  There will be times when none of these suggestions work, when your partner has completely lost control. Your suggestion to table the discussion or your attempt to walk away may be interpreted as rejection or abandonment, and your partner may become enraged, attempt to prevent you from leaving, or threaten suicide. In these situations, you should stop trying to handle the situation yourself. If your partner is in therapy, call her therapist. If she is not, call a crisis line. If she threatens violence toward you or herself, call the police.

  Borderline Personality Disorder is a serious personality disorder. Many of those suffering from the disorder don't just threaten suicide; they actually go through with it. And some can become extremely violent if they feel provoked. It is very important that you seek outside help from a competent mental health professional if your attempts at coping with the situation and stopping the emotional abuse seem to upset your partner to the point that she threatens your life or hers.

  8. Make a Distinction between the Things You Can Control and the Things You Cannot

  No matter how hard you try, a partner with BPD may not respond as you would like during any particular emotional exchange, discussion, or disagreement. This is beyond your control. What is within your control is how you choose to react to the situation, whether you do all you can to take care of yourself in the relationship, and whether you do your part in helping to eliminate the emotional abuse in your relationship.

  9. Work on Your Own Issues

  If you are codependent, join CODA (Codependents Anonymous), read books on codependency, or enter therapy to work on your issues. If you have control issues, particularly if you have the need to make everyone happy, work to discover the origin of this need so you don't continue to take responsibility for your partner's happiness. You may focus on the needs of others in order to avoid your own unresolved issues, you may feel it is up to you to make others happy because this was the message you received from your parents, or you may have an investment in avoiding your own unhappiness. If you have low self-esteem, enter therapy to discover the causes and to develop ways to build up your self-confidence and improve your self-image so you will be in a better position to depersonalize and deflect your partner's criticism.

  10. Don't Blame All Your Problems in the Relationship on Your Partner 's BPD

  Before you conclude that your partner's strong reaction is merely a symptom of her disorder, ask yourself if your behavior would have caused others to be upset. If you and your partner are going through a particularly difficult time, such as when she is feeling especially insecure, ask yourself if your own behavior or attitude could be contributing to the situation. If your partner accuses you of something, before writing it off as her typical blaming and criticizing, ask yourself if there is any truth to what she is saying. Those with BPD can be very intuitive, and many are extremely sensitive to cues such as body language and tone of voice. Some are even capable of picking up on something someone is feeling before they are aware of it. Being honest with yourself and with owning up to how you are truly feeling will help your partner to trust you and may defuse a potentially explosive situation.

  Remember that you both play a part in the problems in your relationship. By acknowledging how your behavior may have contributed to the problem, you can act as a healthy role model to your partner. Don't, however, take on more than your share of responsibility. As much as you don't want to blame your partner for everything based on her problems with BPD, you also don't want to fall into the trap of allowing your partner to blame you for all the problems in the relationship.

  Narcissistic Personality Disorder

  Narcissism has not received as much attention as other psychological disorders, and yet it is often the cause of abusive behavior and the core problem of many that suffer from addictions. In fact, it has been called the most hidden disorder of our time. Most people think that narcissistic individuals are those who have extremely high self-esteem and who think too highly of themselves. But ironically, those suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) or who have strong narcissistic tendencies have extremely low self-esteem.

  According to Dr. James Masterson, a leading expert on narcissism, on the surface, the narcissistic individual is brash, exhibitionistic, self-assured, and single-minded, often exuding an aura of success in career and relationships. Narcissists often seem to be the people who have everything-talent, wealth, beauty, health, power, and a sense of knowing what they want and how to get it.

  In spite of his air of self-sufficiency, the narcissistic individual is actually more needy than most people. But to admit that he is needy, to admit that a person or a relationship is important to him, forces him to face feelings of deficiency. This, in turn, will create intolerable emptiness, jealousy, and rage inside him. To prevent this from occurring, he must find a way to get his needs met without acknowledging his needs or the person who meets them. He accomplishes this by viewing people as objects or a need-fulfilling function.

  The term narcissist comes from the Greek myth of Narcissus, who stared endlessly at his own reflection mirrored in a lake. Unable to pull himself away from the contemplation of his own beauty, he eventually starved and fell into the water, never more to be seen.

  The narcissist has no desire to develop his genuine self-he is in love with his false self-the self that wants to deal only with the pleasant, happy, beautiful side of life. This fixation cuts him off from a full range of life experiences and emotional responses such as anger, jealousy, and envy. This reluctance to face the disturbing side of life is characteristic of the person who suffers from narcissism. For this type of person, there is a segment of life which is not conscious, but that is hidden and unavailable.

  The narcissistic individual remains aloof from other people and tends to have only transient social relationships. Because he cannot acknowledge that he needs others, he is almost incapable of feeling true gratitude. Instead, he wards off this feeling by demeaning the gift or the giver. He can be charming when he wishes to impress others and does give the perfunctory "thank you" when it is required socially, but his words are not deeply felt.

  With his spouse and family, the narcissistic individual does not even pretend to be grateful. They belong to him and are supposed to meet his every need. Not only will his spo
use and children's efforts to please him not be appreciated but they can always count on his criticism when what is offered is beneath his standards.

  A person suffering from narcissism will tend to either choose a fellow narcissist as a partner or someone who feels inadequate, invisible, and needs to hide in a relationship. This suits him just fine since he doesn't want to recognize the existence of another person. In his book, Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in Their Struggle for Self, Elan Golomb, Ph.D., explains:

  Often, her mate is the child of a narcissist, already indoctrinated to regard exploitation and disregard as love. Others lured by the narcissistic aura are those in whom healthy childhood exhibitionism has been repressed.... If the parent puts the child to shame for showing off, the need for attention gets repressed into the unconscious. Repression means that the need is not satisfied and continues to press for expression in the adult without her being aware of it. The repressed adult may select an exhibitionistic mate to achieve vicarious satisfaction.

  As long as nothing infiltrates his cocoon, the narcissistic individual will not be aware of any serious personality problems. He thinks he has it all, and those who know him will agree, since he has carefully selected them to be part of his world and thereby bolster his view of himself.

  In spite of his aura of grandiosity and his bubble of selfsufficiency, the narcissistic individual is extremely thin-skinned. He constantly takes offense at the way people treat him (e.g., they don't treat him with enough respect, they don't appreciate him enough) and frequently feels mistreated. This may be the only clue that there is something wrong with him, but don't be fooled-the person with NPD is suffering from a serious psychological disorder. While the narcissistic individual may not feel the emptiness in his life, his behavior and attitude cause suffering in all those with whom he has intimate contact. Typically, those who suffer from NPD or who have strong narcissistic traits only seek treatment when they fail to live up to their own expectations of greatness or when their environment fails to support their grand illusions. At this time he will likely become depressed and seek psychotherapy to ease the pain.

  QUESTIONNAIRE: Is Your Partner Suffering from Narcissism?

  1.Does your partner seem to be constantly wrapped up in himselfhis interests and projects-and have little interest in what is going on with you? Even when he does take an interest, is it short-lived?

  2.Does your partner like to be the center of attention? Does he become bored or rude when someone else has the floor? Does he tend to bring the conversation back to himself?

  3.Does she seem to feel she is entitled to special treatment from you and others?

  4.Does he seem to lack empathy and compassion for other people? Does he seem to have particular difficulty feeling other people's pain, even though he expects others to feel his?

  5.Does your partner feel that his opinions and beliefs are always the right ones and that others (including you) really don't know what they are talking about?

  6.Does he think he is smarter, hipper, more attractive, or more talented than almost anyone else?

  7.Does he seem to have an inordinate need to be right, no matter what issue is being discussed? Will he go to any lengths to prove he is right, including browbeating the other person into submission?

  8.Is your partner charismatic, charming, and/or manipulative when she wants something, only to be dismissive or cold after a person has served his or her purpose?

  9.Have you come to distrust your partner because you have frequently caught him in exaggerations and lies? Do you sometimes even think he is a good con man?

  10.Does he often appear to be aloof, arrogant, grandiose, or conceited?

  11.Can he be blisteringly insulting or condescending to people, including you?

  12.Is he frequently critical, belittling, or sarcastic?

  13.Does your partner become enraged if he is proven wrong or when someone has the audacity to confront him on his inappropriate behavior?

  14.Does he insist upon being treated a certain way by others, including waiters and waitresses in restaurants, store clerks, and even by his own wife and children?

  15.Does she frequently complain that others do not give her enough respect, recognition, or appreciation?

  16.Does he constantly challenge authority or have difficulty with authority figures or with anyone who is in a position of control or power? Is he constantly critical of those in power, often insinuating that he could do better?

  17.Does your partner seldom, if ever, acknowledge what you do for him or show appreciation to you?

  18.Does he instead seem to find fault with almost everything you do?

  19.Even when he is forced to acknowledge something you've done for him or a gift you've given him, does he somehow always downplay it or imply that it really didn't meet his standard?

  20.Does your partner focus a great deal of attention on attaining wealth, recognition, popularity, or celebrity?

  If you answered yes to more than half of the above questions, your partner may be suffering from NPD or may have strong narcissistic personality traits. For more information on this disorder, refer to the next chapter and to the books recommended at the end of this book.

  Strategies to Help You Cope and Stop the Emotional Abuse

  It is important when dealing with a narcissistic individual or someone with strong narcissistic traits to keep remembering that he is not a very conscious human being, especially when it comes to his own behavior. Although much of his behavior can be experienced as emotionally abusive (e.g., his arrogance, his dismissive attitude, his need to be right), he isn't necessarily trying to make you feel bad about yourself. In fact, the primary goal of the narcissist is to make himself feel good, even at the expense of others. His inattentiveness, his brashness, and his insensitive comments may seem as if he is deliberately trying to hurt you, when in reality, most of the time he frankly could care less about how you feel. Most narcissistic individuals are oblivious to others and to the feelings of others. The only time you become important is if you upset the status quo in any of the following ways:

  •He needs you in some way or wants something from you.

  •You confront him.

  •You threaten to change things.

  •You threaten to end the relationship.

  For this reason it is important not to take what a narcissistic individual says or does personally. This, of course, is a very difficult task. But if you can try to remember that in a narcissistic individual's world, he is the center of the universe and everyone else is but a mere satellite revolving around him, it might help. This doesn't mean he doesn't have feelings or that he isn't capable of caring about others, but it does mean that his needs will always come first.

  The only time most narcissistic individuals deliberately try to hurt others is when they themselves feel criticized or threatened in some way (e.g., if you dare to question their ability or knowledge, if you tell them they are wrong about something, or if you challenge their authority). This is when you will feel their full wrath. Narcissistic individuals can cut you to your core in seconds by using just the right words that can wound you the most.

  Here are some other suggestions and strategies to help alleviate a great deal of the emotional abuse that can occur in a relationship with a narcissistic person:

  •Recognize that someone with NPD has a tremendous need for personal space. If you insist on too much closeness, he will feel smothered and will lash out at you in order to push you away.

  •If he becomes critical of you, call him on it immediately. The more you allow him to criticize you, the more he will disrespect you and the more he will continue to criticize you. Narcissistic individuals only respect those they feel are their equal. While they may seek out relationships in which they can feel superior and in which they can control the other person, these people are mere puppets to them. In order for a narcissistic individual to truly care about another person, he must respect her.

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p; •Begin to recognize his tendency to criticize as a sign that he:

  1. Needs some space from you.

  2. Is feeling critical of himself.

  3. He is testing you to see whether you are his equal.

  Confront him about his criticalness, ask him if he needs more space, and certainly don't buy into his criticism by asking questions or arguing with him.

  •If you have a complaint, state it clearly and strongly. Don't beat around the bush don't try to be "sensitive" and say it subtly. This will only enrage him. And don't whine. Narcissistic individuals hate it when people whine or act like a victim, and they lose all respect for them when they do.

  •When you have a complaint, follow it with a clear statement of how you would like him to change. For example, say something like this: "I don't like the way you dismissed my comment as if it had absolutely no merit. My opinions are as valid as yours."

  •Refuse to allow yourself to be charmed or used by your partner. Only do what you really feel like doing and don't allow yourself to be talked into anything you don't really want to do.

  •Take more responsibility for making sure you get a chance to talk. Instead of sitting patiently while he goes on and on about himself or his projects, tell him you'd like to share something that happened to you. If he refuses to stop talking, say something like "I've been listening to you now for quite some time. I'd appreciate it if you'd give me a turn to talk." If this still doesn't work, say something like "I'm tired of listening to you and not being heard. I'm going to go now" (or "let's go").