My heart. So loud, as if in warning. I feel like it’s warning me to stop, to freeze out the feelings he’s causing within me. My phone starts to vibrate and ring on the coffee table, but I ignore it, not ready to pull away from this moment. I completely forgot how much fun I used to have with Seth. I’ve been blocking out fun for so long, that it’s almost a shock to feel so content and happy. His hand moves to the hair that has escaped, and he twirls it in his fingers. I start to move my hand so I can touch him, but we are interrupted by my phone ringing again.
We both sigh audibly, and break away from the moment. “That’s probably important,” he says nodding to the annoying phone with a sad smile. I groan internally and reach out for my buzzing phone. Brooke is calling me. I know I need to take the call, because I want to make sure everything is okay. We haven’t been able to talk recently, but now I have no excuse not to talk to her.
“Hey girl,” I say, answering the phone. Seth continues to play with my hair, twirling it, unwrapping it, tugging it, then smoothing it out, repeatedly. It’s exceedingly distracting, but I pretend not to notice. Brooke takes a couple seconds before she responds.
“What did you do to him?!” she asks accusatorily. Her tone and accusation make me pause.
“Shit,” I breathe out. Seth looks down at me and his eyebrows crease in confusion. I shake my head, and get up from laying on him. I walk toward my bedroom, not ready to explain it all to Seth.
“What’s wrong, Brooke? What do you mean?” I’m pretty sure I have a good idea, but I want to make sure before I start blurting out personal stuff.
“Oh, don’t play stupid with me, Josie. You know exactly what I mean.” She sounds like she’s trying not to be too loud and it sounds like there’s a slight echo.
“Are you in the bathroom?”
“Ugh, yes… I don’t want him to hear me.”
“Him, who, Brooke?”
“Blake! What did you do to him?” she asks again. I groan.
“Brooke you don’t understand. I can explain everything some other time,” I say hoping to appease her.
“Josie, he comes here almost every freaking night, drunk off his ass and with a different girl all over him.” I roll my eyes at this new information. Asshole.
“I’m telling you Brooke, leave it alone for now. It’s not all my fault that he’s acting like that.”
“No, Josie. You fucked him up! It had to be you. He keeps ranting about how you broke his heart and some other mean things,” she says, not giving up.
“I didn’t fuck him up, Brooke. Get your damn facts straight! It’s his own damn fault that he’s behaving like a dumbass. I forgave him. His dad raped me, and I fucking forgave him for lying about it. He doesn’t get to act like that and blame it all on me. That’s not fucking fair,” I respond angrily.
“I’m-,” Brooke starts, but my phone is ripped from my hands so I don’t hear the rest.
“She’ll call you back,” Seth says in a deadly tone to Brooke, before hanging up and throwing my phone on my bed. His eyes darken in anger as he looks at me. I take a step back, knowing we’re about to have a blowout.
“Who were you talking about, Josie?” he asks, anger clear in his tone. He’s going to be so mad at me. I never told him about why Blake and I broke up last year. “Please don’t make me ask again,” he says after I stare at him in silence for a minute.
“Blake…,” I whisper, looking away from him. I can’t look at him. Not when I know this will be another blow. He was right about Blake the whole time, and I never listened. Still, Seth would have rather been wrong than for this to be the truth. I can see him in my peripheral vision, turning his hand into a fist. I had planned on telling him eventually, but in a much different scenario. Who knows what Seth will do with this new information?
Chapter 4
Seth
I’m going to fucking kill him. Rip off his head and feed it to the goddamn wolves. And I’ll enjoy every fucking minute of it.
“Fuck, Josie!” I say, finally. “Why the fuck didn’t you tell me? How long have you known?” She sighs and sits on the bed. She shouldn’t be so fucking calm about this. And what the hell did she mean that she forgave him? That’s not a fucking option.
“I found out last year. That’s why we broke up. He knew since the first year we were together, and he never told me.”
“I don’t understand. As soon as I found out his last name, I asked you what his family’s names were. No one is named Michael.” I run my fingers through my hair in frustration.
“His name is Michael John Porter. I guess he’s always gone by his middle name. Probably why he told me his name was Michael.” I kneel down in front of her, completely exasperated by her nonchalance.
“Why didn’t you tell me, Jos? Why would you keep that from me? I would have been here in an instant,” I tell her truthfully, cupping her cheek as she tries to avoid my eyes. I want to force her to look at me. For her to see that I love her more than any man in the world has ever loved a woman. To show her that she’s my everything and I will do anything to take away the pain. I can’t even imagine what she must have been going through this past year.
“I didn’t know where we stood anymore, Seth,” she answers, finally looking at me. “I thought we were done being friends. I didn’t need to burden you with anything else.” That pisses me off. I get up and walk away from her, clenching my hands.
“That’s so stupid, Josie,” I say, trying not to get mad at her. I turn and face her, and she looks up at me with her gorgeous dark blue eyes filled with sadness. She really did believe I wouldn’t have been here for her. “I will always be here for you… Dammit, Josie! How could you think I wouldn’t have been there for you?”
“Well, I don’t know, Seth. Maybe because you left the fucking country with only a small fucking note! The fact that you reduced our whole eighteen year friendship into two goddamn words,” she says, raising her voice in fury. The way she looks at me, not letting me bully her into feeling bad for not telling me what happened, is the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen. I always loved that about her. She never let me get away with being a dick around her.
She gets off of the bed and crosses her arms, still glaring at me. I walk up to her and get into the space she’s trying to keep me out of. With an inch between us, I give her a hard glare back. “You need to get over it, Josie. You know why I left. I loved you too much to see you with him. No more of this. No more hiding from me, keeping things from me, or being afraid to talk to me. I promise I won’t hide from you.” I see her resolve weakening.
“I’m scared to let anyone in,” she admits quietly. My heart fucking hurts. Finding out the truth about Blake must have broken her even more than she already was.
“I swear to you, Josie. I won’t leave again. I’m here. I’ve always been here. I’ve just been waiting…” I know it’s not a good enough excuse. I know it’s kind of a cop out, but I say it anyway. I won’t leave her alone, because she’s my best friend, but more than that, I can’t. No part of my being feels complete without her in it.
“Blake said that, too…,” she says, eyes getting misty. Oh, fuck no. No way am I going to let him get away with this. I grab her chin and make her look at me.
“I’m not Blake. I’ve always been here for you. I needed a break for some time, but not a day went by that I didn’t think of you- that I didn’t look at the stars like when we were kids, and wish that we would stay friends for the rest of our lives.” I loosen my grip and cup her cheek with one hand, bringing the other to her hair. “I’m here.”
She starts to lean in closer to me, and I panic. All I want is to kiss her, to make her mine again, but with all of this new information, I’m not sure I can let myself have her like that. She’s clearly still hurting over Blake, and I need her complete focus to be on me. Not him. He’s always getting in the fucking way. I pull back, trailing my fingers across her shoulder.
“I’ll be back. I just need a minute to think.” I need some a
ir. I think I see disappointment in her face, but she’s gotten so good at hiding her emotions, that it disappears quickly. She nods her head and flops on the bed, while I walk out of her apartment.
As soon as I get outside, I lean against the brick wall. I let out a shuddering breath, trying to expel the anger, longing, desire and every other fucking emotion that Josie brings out in me. I need to get out of here for a minute. I really need to kick Blake’s ass. Jogging to my truck, I get in and start it up immediately. I don’t know where the dick lives, but I do know where Brandon lives so I speed in that direction, always keeping an eye out for cops.
I can’t believe I left her alone with him. I can’t believe I just gave up and let him have her, knowing that there was something off with him. I knew it. I’ve known the whole time there was a reason I never liked him.
The thirty minute drive is shortened to twenty as I let my anger out on the gas pedal. Brandon and I talked while I was in Europe, and he gave me his new address when he moved in with Brooke. He said he wanted me to know that I always had a place to stay when I came back. I get out of the truck as soon as I put it into park and march up to the front door. It’s not too late, so there’s no reason they would be asleep. I keep banging on the door until Brandon opens it up with a tired expression on his face. It’s almost as if he expected me to come. He steps out into the humid night and closes the door behind him
“Where is he?” I ask, not needing to get into any “hellos” today.
“Come on, dude. Just go home,” he pleads. He looks the same as he did two years ago. Shaggy and wavy dark brown hair, and his surfer style clothes still the same ones he had in college. But his expression shows that he’s exhausted. Blake must be here if he’s not letting me inside.
“I’m not leaving until his fucking blood is all over my fist, Brandon. Don’t stop me this time,” I say through gritted teeth. I try to make my way past him so I can get into the house, driven by my blood thirst, but he pushes me back.
“He’s passed out drunk, Seth. That’s not a fair fight and you know it. Kick his ass some other time. Fuck, I would if he wasn’t my brother…” I slam my fist against the railing on the porch, wishing it was Blake’s fucking nose. I don’t want to wait. I don’t want to be fair when he wasn’t fair to my Josie. Realization strikes me as I try to calm myself.
“Wait…,” I start, looking at Brandon. I walk up to him. “Did you know, too? You’re fucking family. You’re all related, did you know?” Brandon stands his ground, not in the least intimidated by me.
“No, man,” he says, shaking his head. “I would never have kept that a secret if I had known.” I believe him, and I calm down a little. I lean against the railing, and even out my breathing. He’s right. It’s not a fair fight, and I want Blake to be completely sober when I finally fuck him up.
“She never told me…”
“I figured. Brooke told me you two didn’t talk very much when you left, and told me that Josie needed to be the one to tell you,” he says coming up next to me. “What are the fucking chances, right? I was so pissed at Blake when I found out. Still mad he tried to get back with her, too. And right after her dad died… he’s such an ass sometimes.”
I’m not sure I can hold in my anger much longer. “What do you mean he tried to get back together with her?” I ask, irritation creeping back into my tone.
“Fuck,” he says under his breath, realizing his mistake. “He went to the funeral, and he stayed for the week, trying to get her back. He came back and he’s been drinking nonstop. He’s never coherent enough to give a straight answer. Brooke thinks Josie did something to him, but who knows. He’s always fucking up that relationship…”
“Maybe you should get in the way when I finally kick his ass, Brandon, because I swear I’m going to fucking kill him.” Who the hell does this fucker think he is? He breaks my girl’s heart and thinks he can get her back? Not happening. I just hope she didn’t fall for his bullshit again. I don’t know what was running through her mind, but it always seemed like he took away her personality and made her weaker than she actually is. She just did anything he wanted her to.
“You’re going to have to be civil at some point. We’ve got a bunch of wedding shit coming up, and since you’re back you’ve got to stand up there with me.”
I let out a light laugh, glad he doesn’t care that I want to fuck up his brother. “Can’t promise you anything. I’ll lay off after I kick his ass once, but if he ever messes with Josie again, don’t be surprised when civility goes out the window.”
“Just don’t do anything around Brooke. She’s super emotional lately, and I don’t think she can handle any more stress,” he sighs, evidently feeling the burden of her emotions.
I smile and slap him on the back. “Congrats, by the way. Josie told me y’all are expecting.”
“Yeah,” he says, grinning. “December I’ll be a dad, and in March I’ll be married. Fucking crazy.”
“Yeah, when I left, I never thought you two would settle down.”
“Well you’ve been gone for two years… a lot has changed. Why the hell were you gone for so long? I thought you said you would come back after a year,” he asks, referring to the conversation I had with him before I flew to another country.
“I wasn’t ready yet,” I say shaking my head as I remember the night I decided to extend my contract. “Plus the girls there are a lot more adventurous than around here.” He laughs, but it’s not a full laugh. He knows I’m trying to blow off my real feelings.
“How is it? Being around her now?” Brandon is my best friend besides Josie. He knew exactly how I felt for Josie then, and knows that it hasn’t changed.
“I don’t fucking know what to feel or do. She’s my best friend, so it’s so easy with her. I don’t have to pretend to be someone I’m not. Hell, we were just watching a movie and goofing off like old times. But it’s those exact things that make me fucking crazy about her…” I sigh. “I just don’t want to rush her into anything. Her dad died a month ago, I’m not trying to mess with her emotions.”
He punches me in the arm and grins at me. “See… you’re way better for her than Blake.”
“Yeah… I’m going to fight this time… it’s just a matter of when I start.”
There’s no way I’m going to let her get away this time.
Chapter 5
Josie
Seth’s been gone a long time. He said he would come back, but I don’t know. He’s always been so protective of me, and the guilt he felt from me being raped has never subsided completely. Learning that Blake lied about his father being my rapist could bring back that guilt full force.
If I had to guess, I would say that Seth is probably looking for Blake. I know him well enough to know he won’t just let this go, which worries me. I just want to forget about Blake- forget that I ever loved him and that he ever existed. I know that until Brooke’s wedding is over I will be forced to be in the same vicinity as him, but there has to be a way to avoid him. I don’t have to hang out with him. We can just be adults and ignore each other.
When Seth gets back I’ll tell him everything. When Blake walked out on me, I vowed to never let dishonesty and lies dictate any of my relationships ever again. I have seen the depression and deterioration within my soul for too long, and I will not let it happen again. I need to heal the broken pieces that have been scattered through the years before I can ever be whole and complete for anyone ever again.
As the minutes pass by, my anxiety increases. I sit in my big comfy blue chair in my room and concentrate on my breathing. I breathe in positive energy, and breathe out the negativity that is starting to creep its way into my thoughts and mind. When I finally start to calm down, I hear the front door open without a knock. Panic starts to come back and I feel stupid for not locking the door after Seth left.
“It’s me, Pussy Cat,” Seth hollers from the front of my apartment. Relief instantly washes away the fear, and I’m once again grateful that Seth
knows me well enough to know that he needed to announce himself.
I walk out into the hallway to meet him, but he’s already heading toward me. He grabs my hand and leads me back to my room. He takes me to my bed and picks me up. My heartbeat is fluttering like butterfly wings inside of my chest. The ease and strength of his arms wrapping around me is making my insides crazy. He lays me onto the mattress on my back, and positions himself next to me. Not really what my body wanted him to do, but I shouldn’t be thinking along those lines anyway.
His hand grabs mine, and he holds on tight. We lay in silence, running our thumbs across each other’s skin. God, these hands! You don’t realize how much you miss something until you’re deprived of the incredible sensation for so long. Every other touch has been unsubstantial to what I’m feeling right now. For so long, I always had Seth right next to me. I was so used to being able to run to him or for him to always be there to hold my hand. I didn’t realize how much I needed him, missed him, and felt for him.
“I’m sorry, Seth,” I say softly. “I’m sorry for not being a good friend. I’m sorry for ruining our friendship. I’m sorry for lying about what you and I had. I’m sorry for degrading what we did. I’m sorry for not flying to Europe the instant I found out that you left. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about Blake. I’m sorry I didn’t email more. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about Daddy. I’m so sorry. I’m so-,” sobs start to escape my mouth as I let out every apology this amazing person deserves. He pulls me into him, covering me in his arms and rubbing my back.
“Shhh… pretty girl. It’s okay,” he consoles softly, running his hands through my hair and placing kisses on my head. “No more apologies. We’re okay. I’ll always be your best friend. I’m sorry I made you doubt our friendship, and I’m so fucking sorry for what I said to you that last time I saw you. I will never regret falling in love with you, Josie. How can I regret the best thing I’ve ever felt?”
That's a Lie Page 3
