Revelations

by Kirsten Bij't Vuur

  Of course Darcy knew that, but Fitzwilliam should have known as well as Darcy did that social events would be a punishment for him to have to attend, why would he volunteer to do so and listen to empty-headed ladies and gentlemen talk nonsense? Besides, no other woman could catch his attention, he didn't even look at them to find fault anymore, a game Miss Bingley and himself used to play with relish. It no longer amused him, and Miss Bingley soon found out something had changed. She had no idea what exactly, oblivious to his total disinterest in herself or any other woman he came across.

  His cousin soon gave up on trying to talk him out of his feelings of loss, and merely offered, 'I can see you're not ready to move on at all. Do you want to share your feelings with me then?'

  And Darcy did want to, desperately. Soon he was sharing his reflections on his own past behaviour with his cousin, and Fitzwilliam's honest approval and support made Darcy feel much better than his kindly meant, but premature advice to find another love could ever have done.

  As his desire for Miss Elizabeth slowly extinguished, but his love for her remained unabated, still setting her apart from any other woman in the country, Darcy found a kind of new acceptance of his life as it was. He did his duties with a little more enthusiasm than before since they took him on long rides and offered some contact with the staff he had come to appreciate for their discrete support of his pain, now less acute, a sort of nagging ache in the back of his mind.

  And he enjoyed himself with his friends, still keeping a sharp eye out for Bingley but with more respect for his friend's own integrity. He had overstepped the bounds of friendship once, to both their detriment, and was now determined it would not happen again. Darcy was certain that if Bingley were to see Miss Bennet again, his love would flare up and assure

  his happiness within weeks. But that would bring her sister into their circle, and Darcy knew he couldn't face meeting Miss Elizabeth at all, not yet.

  Seeing her would overwhelm him, his love for her had not faded at all, he suspected it might in fact have deepened since he had let go of his doubts about her and her family altogether. He was certain no other woman could ever make him happy, and had for some time now stopped trying to forget her within six months.

  There was no hope she would ever be his, Darcy knew that better than anything, and slowly he had also accepted that letting go of his love for her would take however long it would take, but if Bingley were to marry her sister and Darcy were to meet Miss Elizabeth regularly, he would never be able to let go of the conviction of Miss Elizabeth's perfection, he would stay single forever, the thought of another woman in his arms inconceivable.

  Still, he had a duty towards his friend Bingley and he would find the courage to honour it, but not just yet.

  Another month passed by with various duties and amusements and though Darcy still cherished Miss Elizabeth's memory, he couldn't regret the past very much anymore. For though his lost love still pained him a lot, he also felt her reproaches had changed him for the good, had made him a better man. He had come to realise that despite all the effort he put into being a good landowner and a good person, he had done all that out of some kind of vanity, not from real concern for those whose lives he ruled to a large extent. He never saw his staff and his tenants as individuals before, they were just people to him, frankly he thought them beneath his notice. But since he had started to spend a lot of time on his estate by himself he had found his dependants not that much different from himself. They all led the best lives they could, and most of them were very aware that their master was not feeling well and tried to make things easier for him without being nosy or indiscreet.

  A tiny part of him was actually rather proud of himself, how he managed to turn himself around and start caring about people more. And as he did that, he started to find it easier to talk to people in general, to become interested in their lives, to enjoy their stories and their experiences, whatever their status in life.

  Miss Elizabeth might never know but she did him a big favour, not only by letting him know how little he had to offer her, but also by showing him

  how small a life he had been leading.

  Chapter 3

  As he and Georgiana prepared to move to Pemberley for summer with Bingley and his sisters, Darcy actually felt some spirit returning to him, an eagerness to be back in the country with its sports and its amusements, at the height of summer, when Pemberley was at its most beautiful. Why not go today, to talk business with his steward, but also to have some time by himself first? Miss Bingley's constant attentions were starting to become very tiring, one would say she'd have given up by now, he was reluctant to tell her off but why couldn't she take a hint? He was not interested in her, in fact, he was not interested in any woman for now, only three months had passed by and he had long since given up on his goal of conquering his lingering love for Miss Elizabeth within half a year. Why should he? He was not in a hurry to get married to someone he didn't care about.

  Proving that he, too, could act on impulse, he told Georgiana he had business with his steward, always a good excuse, and that they would meet again at Pemberley. Of course she accepted the news without complaint, she always did, she could use some of Miss Elizabeth's independence, she was way too docile in Darcy's new view of things. He had come to realise that her behaviour was largely due to his own severity in raising her, but that also made it his responsibility to try to give her some backbone in the few years she would still be under his guardianship.

  As it was now, he feared she would not be able to gain the respect of any man, he wouldn't have dreamed of falling in love with such an obedient woman himself. The kind of man attracted to her docile manners couldn't possibly be the kind of hands Darcy would want to see her in. Too bad Miss Elizabeth wasn't in his acquaintance anymore to show her some spunk.

  The thought of Miss Elizabeth caused him to want to be alone even more and he had his horse saddled quickly, a long ride was the perfect situation in which to allow himself some time with his memories and faded dreams.

  Taking leave was a matter of minutes, he would see his friends soon enough, now he needed to be by himself.

  Finding no hardship in several days of solitary travel he spent most of his time on the road reviewing his last three months, comparing them to his life before he had his behaviour corrected by Miss Elizabeth. Not for the first time, he wondered whether she still hated him, or whether his letter had made her feelings a little milder towards him.

  It would be worth quite a bit to him to know how she was doing, of course he could just tell Bingley her sister probably loved him after all, and they'd all be at Netherfield within days.

  But he wouldn't be able to bear being in Miss Elizabeth's presence yet, it would be much too confronting, there was no way he would be able to act perfectly normal towards her for at least another three months. And since that coincided with the height of the shooting season it was only natural to have their sport at Pemberley first, then move to Netherfield. The delay made Darcy feel guilty, even though he repeatedly told himself that if Miss Bennet had found another suitor by then she wasn't the woman Bingley took her for in the first place.

  Three days later he rode onto his own grounds, resigned to his current life once more by the exercise and the beauty of the country all around him. He was welcomed by one of the stable hands, a sturdy chap in his twenties who always seemed to be in an excellent mood. And today Darcy wanted to know why and thus he asked, as the young man took his horse.

  'Say Peter, you are always in such a sunny mood, how do you do that?'

  Conquering a little shyness at being addressed so familiarly by the master, the young man replied, 'Mr Darcy, sir, I just like horses a lot. You have such beautiful ones, and I get to exercise most of them every day.'

  'So that's it, you just like to ride beautiful horses? That puts you in an excellent mood each day, even when it's pouring cats and dogs? Nothing more?'

  With a smile, Darcy could see Peter was star
ting to apprehend how to talk freely to a figure of authority.

  'Well, there is the missus, too, sir. I've got married last spring, but we were sweethearts since we were just children. Got a young one coming, too.'

  A child on the way already, and him only a little past twenty! For a moment Darcy felt old and lonely, but then he reminded himself that he was the

  master of this beautiful place, with all these nice people depending on him, and it was summer and the weather was fine, and he clapped his startled stable boy on the shoulder and said, 'Good for you, Peter, be nice to her, a good woman by your side is invaluable.'

  Then he walked away from the stables, over the road towards the front of the house, where he saw one of the gardeners leading a little group of visitors in the direction of the river for a tour of the park. He waved at his man, John, the head gardener, and noticed a look of total surprise on the poor man's face. Apparently it was a strange thing, to be waved at by one's master.

  The visitors, city folk by the general look of their clothing, turned around for a last look at the building, making Darcy feel proud, it was his and rather grand, admittedly. And as he looked at them to see their faces, his heart nearly faltered and his throat slammed shut, for one of them was Miss Elizabeth Bennet.

  He felt his cheeks heat up with the deepest of blushes, and while he stood rooted to the ground, unable to make even the slightest sound, his mind fortunately came to his rescue, bringing to his attention that her colour was not much different, and not with anger, but with similar embarrassment. It also forced him to forget pain, love and yes, a flare of desire, to take this one chance to show her that he had taken her reproofs seriously and had attended to them, by being the most gracious host she had ever met. Starting immediately. By now his body and voice obeyed him again, he managed to walk towards her and bow to her, and said gently, 'Miss Elizabeth Bennet, what a pleasure to see you again.'

  She seemed very uncomfortable indeed, did she still hate him? No matter, he had learned how to make conversation, and he would be friendliness itself.

  'I'm so glad to meet once more, and such a long way from your home. Have you been travelling long? Were your family well when you last heard from them?'

  She responded to each question with a soft, almost bashful voice, very unusual for her, but at least she didn't seem angry at him anymore, or averse, merely very much embarrassed. She must feel caught to be here, he suddenly understood, after what happened in Hunsford she would think he hated the very sight of her. But he didn't, now the first shock had passed he

  wanted her to stay a little longer and feel comfortable.

  He tried to start a conversation but she seemed totally overcome, and soon he could no longer think of anything to say himself, his mind was starting to get overwhelmed by his feelings. He wouldn't have minded standing there just looking at her, but she had company and they'd want to complete the tour. With great regret he repeated, 'It was such a pleasure to meet you, Miss Elizabeth, I can't tell you how much it means to me to see you in Derbyshire.'

  Then he bowed and left, his mind in turmoil, his body actually shaking with the delayed reaction to his shock. As he walked towards the house he became aware of having been on a horse for three days straight, and though he had bathed and changed clothes more than once, the weather was hot and riding was physical exercise, and he smelled rather noticeably. But his mind refused to feel anything but satisfaction at seeing Miss Elizabeth on his very own estate, and having had the opportunity to show her he could be a very nice person.

  Once inside the house he ran into Mrs Reynolds, who of course noticed his state of confused excitement, and dared ask, 'Mr Darcy, we didn't expect you until tomorrow. Are you feeling well? You look flushed and out of sorts.'

  To his horror he heard himself say, 'I'm fine, Mrs Reynolds. I just ran into the lady who caused me to be lovesick these last months. It was quite a shock, but I think I handled myself well.'

  The poor housekeeper nearly fainted at someone daring to hurt her dear master, and she blurted out with feeling, 'You mean that young lady who just viewed the house? You love her?'

  Her voice expressed her doubt at the young lady being good enough for her master, let alone allowed to hurt him, but then she clearly realised she had just overstepped her role as housekeeper, 'I'm sorry sir, I was out of order.

  She just seemed so...ordinary.'

  'Never mind, Mrs Reynolds, you've known me for most of my life, and I know you mean well. Miss Elizabeth Bennet is anything but ordinary, she is a most gifted young lady and well worth suffering over. Besides, she has reason to dislike me, however impossible that may sound to you. I just want to convince her I'm actually quite a nice man.'

  Relieved by his forthrightness the estimable lady observed, 'Well, I did tell

  her you were the best landlord and master, and brother, anyone could ever have. And she contemplated your portrait for quite some time. I didn't think anything of it until now. They're doing the tour of the park, Mr Darcy, and that'll take them at least an hour. Better think of something nice to say or do in that time.'

  And with that she was gone, back to her duties no doubt. But her solid advice did make him think. Did he dare meet Miss Elizabeth on purpose and be nice one more time at least? Frankly, he had nothing to lose. The situation between them couldn't possibly become any worse, he could only be the gainer here. She probably loved his park already, feeling very mild with all those trees around her.

  Which raised another question, did he have time to bathe and change? Or dared he meet her smelly and dirty?

  Somehow he couldn't imagine her being someone who cared if a man smelled a little of horse, as long as he treated her with respect. A quick wash and a clean shirt and coat then, and off he was, as long as his courage was high. Expecting them to take the usual circuit, he walked it in the opposite direction, and after twenty minutes he could see John and the three visitors crossing the bridge that was the turning point, well ahead of him. He walked on and tried to prepare for the meeting he anticipated but dreaded as well.

  He had so much to lose.

  Now wait a minute, hadn't he just decided he had nothing to lose? What changed? Don't be a fool, he told himself emphatically, don't let desire get a hold of you again, think of the heartbreak. It was bad enough he still loved her, but there was no use whatsoever in expecting her to change her opinion of him enough to give him a chance of winning her after all.

  But if there was any place where he had the advantage it had to be here, it should be impossible for her not to feel the beauty of this park, she should be wishing to explore every inch of it by now, and it was in his power to give her that, it was his mind that had helped shape this park, a place that could not but appeal to her love of wild nature. By now there was no further opportunity to beat himself up over his expectations, they'd meet in less than a minute, and when they finally did, today's optimistic mood had won a decided victory over the memory of the grief and despair she had caused him.

  She was much more composed this time and started to admire the grounds

  as he had hoped, but somehow her own words embarrassed her and she fell silent instantly, blushing hotly. He was right in guessing she felt caught in a place she had no right to be. But she had every right and to prove it, he asked to include her companions in their conversation, it was the right thing to do and besides, they looked rather interesting, middle aged, clearly a married couple, and very fashionable, they had to be Londoners by the looks of them. The husband seemed very interested in fish, and he did not feel too important to talk to John about them.

  Darcy could not have wished to make a better impression on the woman of his dreams than to seek this connection. Though obviously surprised, Miss Elizabeth readily acceded to his request, and with a hint of a smile on her beautiful features she said, 'Mr Darcy, this charming lady is Mrs Gardiner, and the gentleman over there risking a refreshing plunge in your beautiful stream is Mr Gardiner, they're both from London.'
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  See, he knew they were city people. And Miss Elizabeth wasn't at all cold or formal towards him! But she was not finished.

  'Mr Gardiner is my uncle, my mother's brother. Aunt Gardiner, please meet Mr Darcy, the proprietor of all this magnificence.'

  All right, he didn't see that one coming. That gentleman was the tradesman from Cheapside, the brother of her featherbrained mother? No wonder she was back to cheekiness all of a sudden, the old Darcy would have been abhorred to have asked to be introduced to ordinary people. The reformed Darcy couldn't have asked for a better opportunity to prove himself a changed man.

  And at the same time his heart skipped a beat to hear Miss Elizabeth back to her usual perky self. Not wanting to give himself away he suppressed a glad smile, and shook hands with Mrs Gardiner, and when Mr Gardiner had approached Miss Elizabeth said, 'Uncle Gardiner, you have of course recognised this tall gentleman from his large portrait in the house, but he has asked to be introduced to my companions, so here goes: Mr Darcy, my uncle, Mr Gardiner. And uncle, this is Mr Darcy, the owner of this beautiful park, the stream and every shiny fish in it.'

  Looking away for a very short moment to hide a smile he couldn't possibly suppress at Miss Elizabeth's jaunty introduction, Darcy had no sooner regained control over his facial muscles before he shook hands with Mr Gardiner and started up a conversation with him, on fish and fishing of

  course. And Mr Gardiner exceeded every expectation Darcy might have had of a city tradesman, he was very well-bred and very smart, a true delight to talk to. Darcy no longer wondered that Miss Elizabeth had turned out so well, her mother had to be the odd one in the family, apparently her uncle and aunt were truly genteel. It was difficult not to smile from ear to ear, to have a chance encounter end up with him having a very nice talk about fishing with a man he wouldn't have deemed worthy of a single glance three months ago. And he had the good man's beautiful niece listening in, triumphing in her uncle's good taste and excellent manners.