Nora’s insides slithered with tension.
Kelli had meant the words when she wrote them.
Nora’s actions had destroyed all of that.
She reached into the pocket of her lab coat for a pen. That’s what she should have done in the first place.
The loud beep of her pager cut through the quiet room. Nora stared at the device, welcoming the distraction. Abandoning her charts and her own inner turmoil, she rushed out of the office.
When the elevator doors opened, Nora nudged her way to the back. She could have ignored the smiles and the sound of her name, but she did not. Nora greeted the niceties with a few of her own.
It felt different.
It felt good.
It was a strange contrast between this change and the others she was running from.
“Can you believe what happened to Rader? How far do you have to fall to get shot in a liquor store robbery? I heard his blood alcohol was twice the legal limit. A wonder he didn’t bleed out on the table.”
Nora couldn’t help but overhear the conversation between the nurses near the front. They weren’t exactly whispering.
“I know, right?”
The doors opened, which was good. She didn’t want to hear anymore. Nora made her exit. Dr. Gibbs stood at the nurses’ station. He smiled at her for a few seconds. Then, his expression turned solemn.
“I have those labs you wanted me to order. I figured you’d want to see them yourself. Mrs. Pare’s white count is up. Kidney and liver functions are way off. It could just be an unidentified infection or—”
“Organ failure,” Nora said. It was much easier and more productive to concentrate on this than the conversation she heard. “She won’t be stable enough for surgery tomorrow. Let’s move her to ICU.”
Dr. Gibbs nodded.
Nora studied him and was able to recognize the respect shining in his eyes. For some reason, it bolstered her. “What are your suggestions?”
“Broad spectrum antibiotics and additional fluids to keep her hydrated and flush her system.”
“I concur. Have you discussed the complications with her and Mr. Pare?”
“No, I wanted to wait for you.”
“Lead the way, Dr. Gibbs.”
*
Nora left the patient’s room some time later, while Dr. Gibbs remained to answer additional questions. The sound of a familiar voice stopped her cold. Without permission, her body reacted. For the fiftieth time today, her heart went into overdrive. Nora wanted to run, but instead, she stepped backward into the room to shield her presence and watch discreetly as Kelli walked down the hallway.
Kelli was on her cell phone, a white bag dangling from her fingertips. She was oblivious to her surroundings, as she headed toward her partner’s room. Her arrival at the hospital was odd. It was the middle of the day. Kelli usually waited to visit near the end of her shift. The fact that Nora was familiar with Kelli’s routine pushed her emotions closer to the surface. Nora stared, unable to look away. Her body continued to respond viscerally. Tension rolled through her muscles and her stomach knotted.
She had seen Kelli dressed for work many times before, but there was something off about her. This Kelli projected an air of indifference. Her face was expressionless, and she stared straight ahead as if no one around her mattered. Even her speech lacked inflection. Her tone was clipped, crisp, and very businesslike to whomever was at the other end of the conversation. Kelli radiated disinterest, but somehow, at the same time, she seemed larger than life. Dark slacks hugged her tall, leanly muscled frame and made her seem even more imposing. The gun and badge projected authority, even though they were partially hidden by the matching blazer that adhered to the lines of Kelli’s torso. The deep burgundy shirt brought a splash of color, heightening the olive tone of her skin. She wore minimal makeup, but it was the slashing angles of her cheeks that gave further credence to the persona. To top it off, her short, auburn locks were coiffed and smoothed, showing none of their usually spiky flair.
Kelli looked as if she had been carved out of granite. It was a façade Nora was intimately familiar with, having created it for herself on many occasions. At times, it had been her only protection. Until Kelli. Maybe it was the same for Kelli, until her. And like Nora, Kelli was now vehemently trying to salvage the pieces of herself that were left.
As Kelli passed, Nora backed deeper into the room, her nerve endings misfiring with Kelli’s nearness. The commonality between them was haunting. Her respect, her pull, her understanding of Kelli skyrocketed. She had no idea what to do with it all except add it to the jumbled mess she had become.
“Dr. Whitmore? Are you okay?” Dr. Gibbs asked.
No, she wasn’t, and she wasn’t going to be okay any time soon.
Nora didn’t answer. She stepped out into the hallway, as Kelli continued toward her own destination. Kelli didn’t look back. Nora wondered if it was possible for her to do the same.
CHAPTER 5
Kelli rolled the chair closer to her desk and drank her third cup of bad coffee. She’d thought throwing herself into her job would give her some sense of normalcy—whatever the fuck that was—but it hadn’t worked at all. The peace she hoped for never really came. She was moody as hell from lack of good sleep, and at the moment, she was mad at the world. Sean suspected, and now everyone else had finally put the pieces together. Kelli didn’t have to say a word. They knew Nora wasn’t in the picture anymore, and they knew she needed some fucking room to deal. But did any of them give it to her? Nope. Not a chance in hell.
Kelli glanced in Williams’s direction. He was staring at her and didn’t even bother to hide the concerned look on his face. Kelli sighed and stood. She needed more damned coffee to deal with this crap. When she made it back to her desk, Booker was sitting in the chair that was usually for perps or victims.
He smiled at her. “Look at you. McCabe, in all your glory. I had to see it with my own two eyes. Told you I’d be back.”
Glory, yeah. Kelli groaned. She wasn’t sure if he heard it, and she didn’t care. She sat down. “I’m busy Booker. You’ve seen me, so can you just go?” She could feel his gaze on her, but Kelli didn’t look at him. “Now.”
“Well damn, I know we ain’t friends, but—”
“No, we ain’t, and I don’t have it in me to play nice.” Kelli glanced up for a second. It was enough time to see the hurt on his face. Booker got up and left without another word.
Who the fuck had taken control of her body? She didn’t even feel comfortable in her own skin anymore.
Kelli’s desk phone rang. She snatched it up to distract herself from the shit show she’d just starred in. “Yeah. McCabe.”
“We got word on your brother. Supposedly, he’s a low level dealer in Andrew Cole’s organization, but somebody has an eye out for him there. He’s well protected, so I can’t give you an exact location. At least not yet. Sorry it took so long. We’ve got a guy working his way up on the inside. Had to be careful.”
And the hits just kept on coming. Kelli was speechless. She and Sean had suspected Tony was dealing, but to hear it confirmed twisted her guts in ways that shouldn’t be possible.
“McCabe? You there?”
Kelli cleared her throat. “Yeah, thanks, Marty.”
“No problem. You may be with homicide now, but the DEU still has your back.”
It had been almost two weeks. She’d called in favors with CIs and shook as many trees as she could. Finally, something came of it. At least now they had some information. Sean hadn’t found shit, but it wasn’t from lack of trying. In a very twisted way, the news was a relief. Sean would probably feel the same.
Still, it wasn’t that long ago when everything was damn near perfect. How? How the hell did she get here? Drugs had pulled Tony in deeper than he’d ever been, and Nora was in the wind. Nora. Kelli was still pissed as hell, but she was finally able to admit she held some responsibility for this whole mess. Translation—she had fucked up, royally, an
d now, more than ever, she needed somebody to talk to. She needed Nora. With her, talking was easy. There was no judgment. No lectures. She mostly listened and, usually, that was enough. Yeah, there were other people in her life, like her mother or Travis. They weren’t the same. Kelli was one big ball of hurt. There wasn't a part of her that didn’t feel battered. She’d have to deal with it the best way she knew how, which was not at all.
Kelli wasn’t sure how much time had passed. A Styrofoam cup, filled to the brim with coffee, appeared on her desk. She stared at it and then at Williams’s hand as he slowly pulled away.
“Thought you could use a refill, and I wanted to break the ice a little. We’ve barely talked all day.”
“I can get my own goddamned coffee, and I drink out of my own fucking mug.” Kelli could have just said thanks, but all that anger had to come out somehow.
“Jesus Christ, Kelli. I’m just—”
“You’re smothering me. Can you just give me some space?”
“I am not. What the hell are you talking about? The only time we’ve talked in the past few days has been case related.”
“You are! If I say you are, then…you are.” Kelli crossed her arms stubbornly. Yeah, she knew she sounded like an asshole, but she was going all in.
Williams threw his hands up. “The sky is blue. You wanna argue about that, too? Come on, Kelli. I know you’re going through shit.” He placed his hands on her desk and leaned forward. “I’m not the enemy. You know that.”
Kelli looked away. He was right. It just took too much effort to show it. This way was easier.
“Fine. I’m tired of this Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde crap. How about this? No matter how shitty you are to me, I’ve got your back. If you want to talk, I’m here.” Williams stepped back. “We’re worried about you. Travis, your brother…all of us. Every time someone so much as looks at you wrong, you’re tearing new assholes. I know you’re stressed about Antony, and I’m not even going to ask about Nora. But, Kelli…” His voice trailed off. He looked relieved. Obviously, the man had stuff to get off his chest.
After everything she’d found out in the last twenty minutes, just mentioning Tony’s name made Kelli feel helpless all over again, but bringing up Nora? Something inside Kelli snapped. She knew her life was grade-A shit. Kelli didn’t need anybody reminding her. Was it irrational? Fuck yes, but that didn’t matter. “First, it’s all kinds of pathetic that you guys don’t have anything better to do than sit around and fucking gossip about me. Second, none of this is any of your goddamned business.”
His eyebrows shot up and hurt flashed in his eyes.
The man was trying, and she wasn’t. That frustrated Kelli even more.
Williams continued to stare. A few seconds later, he simply walked away.
Kelli was two for two and wound even tighter than she had been before.
*
Nora pressed herself against the door of James Rader’s hospital room and watched him as he slept. Through the semidarkness, she saw the rise and fall of his chest. Stubble covered the lower half of his face, and blond hair flopped down over his forehead. It was strange seeing him like this—vulnerable and in repose. Despite how generously they’d shared their bodies, they’d never actually slept together. Even as detached as she was right now, Nora cringed. Engaging him sexually had been a mistake, and reflecting on it was a bigger one. She pushed the thoughts away.
If she was truly honest with herself, Nora had to admit she was shaken by his presence. She had been a willing, active participant in saving this man’s life, and she would do it again, no matter what he’d done. A life was a life.
None of this distracted her from what brought her to his room in the first place. Nora needed answers. She had to know why. She was tired of being angry, tired of looking over her shoulder. Fuller had been at her house, after all, and she could admit that she was scared now, especially without the protective blanket of Kelli’s presence. The madness that Rader and Fuller perpetuated could happen again, in some form or fashion, if she didn’t find her answers now.
Nora had worked extremely hard to get where she was in life, to the detriment of everything else, and with one lie, it all could have been swept away. She continued to stare at him. He was just a man, comprised of tissue, muscle, and bone. Yet, somehow, she had given him enough power to throw her life into turmoil. She’d made him bigger than he was. Nora was disgusted by her own actions. She tried to stay away, passing by the room daily as if it didn’t exist. Perhaps the former version of her could have put him and the entire situation in a neat little package in the back of her mind, but not this new Nora.
She reached behind her and twisted the lock on the door. Nora did not want this conversation interrupted. She took a step closer. James Rader was an error in judgment. In essence, he was the first in a long line of subsequent missteps that had led her down this confounding path that she was currently stuck on. Her emotions crashed into each other, and she tried desperately to make sense of them. If this man had taken no for an answer, her life would be as she remembered it—succinct, routine, and easy. The ever-present ache in her chest would not exist. Her recent insomnia and the constant churning in her stomach would have been avoided.
Kelli McCabe.
Nora’s thoughts scattered and realigned themselves on Kelli. Nora faltered. She warred with herself now, just as she had done over and over during the past couple of weeks. Without Rader and his scheme, there would be no Kelli…not the version of Kelli she had come to know. There would have been no friendship…no relationship.
There would have been no upheaval.
It was what she wanted, after all. Right?
Nora took a steadying breath. Her mind continued with the chatter, as her heart swelled. As disjointed as she was, Nora knew one thing to be true. She missed Kelli, fiercely. She missed her acceptance, her heat, her laughter, and so much more. This acknowledgement pushed her right back to the muddled state of mind that she was trying to escape.
Rader stirred.
Nora tensed, mentally preparing herself for the confrontation.
Rader moaned and began to squirm. When his eyes opened, Nora stepped forward.
“What…” He cleared his throat. “What are you doing in here?”
“It’s my hospital, James. I go where I please.” Nora didn’t bother to hide the anger in her voice.
His face reddened in what she assumed was resentment. James glared at her. Nora returned his gaze, hoping that he could see the farce he’d created hadn’t broken her as he’d hoped. He had failed.
“I could take everything you own.” She wouldn’t, but it felt good to say it.
James swallowed. “I don’t care. I’m a regular at the liquor store where I was shot. How messed up is that? Do what you want. I just wanted to be a doctor. It’s going to take me years to rebuild.”
Yes, years. Nora actually smiled. “Obviously, some of that’s untrue. Ruining me seemed very high on your to-do list.”
Rader’s eyes widened. “There’s something about you. You’re…different.”
She was, but there was no point in addressing that. “Our sexual encounters meant that much to you? That’s all it was James. There was nothing you could have done then, or now, to make me care about you the way you wanted.”
His face hardened. “I left my fiancé for—”
“No, she left you. Perception means everything in this situation. If I had known you were engaged, it would have never happened. You didn’t wear a ring, and I certainly wasn’t plugged into the hospital grapevine at the time.”
“You didn’t even give me a chance. I could—”
“No, you couldn’t.” Nora made sure to insert finality into her tone. “I did my best to be civil, but you continued to push. Everyone has limits, James. I did nothing wrong. I only responded to your escalation.”
James glared and hissed. “If you’re here for an apology, you’re not getting it. No matter what you did to help me. Is your detective
waiting around the corner to beat it out of me?”
Nora almost gasped. At the mention of Kelli, her stomach flipped, and the rest of her insides went from warm to decidedly icy. Nora dug her nails into her palms. The sting, for the time being, kept her grounded in the moment. “I don’t expect one.”
“Then why are you here?” He sneered and grimaced in pain, as he tried to adjust his position.
Nora met his gaze once more. “I did think about smothering you in your sleep.” She deadpanned.
James’s eyes narrowed. She saw his fear before he could hide it. That was extremely satisfying.
“Get through this and move on.” She raked her gaze over him slowly, clinically. He really was only a man, and in a few words, Nora had reclaimed her power. She could see it written all over him—defeat. And it made it easy to forgive and hopefully forget.
“What?” he asked.
“I think you understand.”
James had no reply. He looked helpless and pale. He lowered his head before she could see anymore.
She had what she came for. Nora turned and left.
*
Minutes later, she stared at her reflection in the bathroom mirror. Dark smudges were still somewhat visible beneath her eyes, despite her makeup. Her eyes were dull and her skin tone sallow. Regardless, Nora found herself breathing a little easier. This felt like closure with Rader, and it was sorely needed. It was over and past time to leave it behind. Now, all of it could go in a little box and bury itself somewhere deep in her subconscious.
Maybe, one day, she could do the same with Kelli. Put her—their entire relationship—in a tiny section of her mind to be forgotten. The sudden, overwhelming sense of panic told Nora all she needed to know. No matter how things were left between them, they felt unfinished. The thought of leaving it where it was terrified her.
Nora looked away. She didn’t want to see the hope in her eyes, especially since she had gotten used to the fear. After drying her hands, she left the bathroom and glanced at the open door to Rader’s room. A familiar figure walked through it, Taylor Fuller. Apprehension sent a cold chill down her spine. Nora took a breath. Surely, they were done with their plotting. They weren’t very good at it. Nora heard shouting.
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