“You deserve whatever you got, you spineless prick! My family has—”
Taylor’s continued animosity was obvious, and that eased Nora’s mind, somewhat. Ignoring the noise, she turned the other way and promptly collided with someone. She had never been this clumsy. This was solid evidence that everything was off. Luckily, Nora stayed upright. She couldn’t say that for the other woman. Nora recognized the gray hair and laughing blue eyes. “Susan? Are you all right?”
Susan smiled. “Yeah, I think so. That one was all on you this time, Dr. Whitmore.”
“I agree.”
Susan straightened her scrub top and then studied Nora in earnest. Nora almost backed away from the scrutiny.
“You still…have that look.”
Confused, Nora asked, “What look?”
“That look that says you’re still not okay.”
Surely this woman wasn’t that astute. “How do you—”
“You used to walk around this hospital like nothing touched you. You always looked aloof…uninvolved. You don’t have that expression anymore.”
She did ask, and now, Nora didn’t know what to say.
Susan made a tsking sound. “I’m making this weird again?”
Nora nodded. “Possibly.”
“Well, I’m about to add to it. Walk with me? There’s chicken tortilla soup in the cafeteria today. Last time, it was pretty good.”
Nora stood there and stared. She was being more cordial to the staff and vice versa, but this was something else altogether. So, instead of answering, Nora continued to just look at her.
“This isn’t a pity thing. I’m just trying to bridge a gap here.” Susan smiled.
Nora was tempted. She was tired of being lonely, but she couldn’t shake her reluctance. Maybe it was best if she kept her distance from everyone right now. “No, I—”
“It’s just a walk. I’m not trying to steal state secrets or anything.”
“Okay.” The word tumbled out of Nora’s mouth, and she nodded in further confirmation. Her body was a traitor. Nora knew this for sure, but there was no turning back now. That would be rude.
“Good. Stairs or elevator? I’m a stair person myself.” Susan said.
“That’s fine.”
Susan led the way toward the stairwell. Nora followed. Two security guards ran past her, moving toward the other end of the hall. Nora could only assume where they were going, but she didn’t care enough to confirm.
Their footsteps echoed as they descended. Other than errant voices, it was the only sound.
While Nora was okay with the silence, there was no guarantee Susan was. “The cafeteria’s cuisine has improved?”
Susan chuckled. “No. Some days are just better than others, and really, can you go wrong with soup?”
“I suppose not.”
They moved to the side, letting other staff members pass. Nora expected stares and whispers, especially since she was interacting with someone other than a doctor. They were totally ignored. Nora glanced over her shoulder.
“Ah, I’m old and boring. What could they possibly have to gossip about? Unless you’re trying your luck with GMILFs.” Susan’s grin was infectious.
Nora didn’t know what that term meant, but she smiled anyway. “No, not yet.”
Susan laughed. “You have no idea what that is, do—”
“Things are so different now,” Nora blurted and slowed to a stop. What was wrong with her? Where were her manners? This woman was a stranger. Nora refused to look Susan in the eye.
Susan waited quietly.
“There’s just so much, and I’ve never—” Nora knew she wasn’t making any sense and, for whatever reason, she couldn’t make it stop.
Susan continued to wait.
“I have no idea what I’m doing.” Nora looked down at her feet.
When she looked up again, Susan had started walking. Nora followed.
“Welcome to the human condition, Dr. Whitmore.”
The words lingered and settled into Nora’s core. She pondered her recent decisions, both the actions and the resulting consequences. Her judgment was off. Nothing was as it should be, and Nora didn’t have a clue how to make it right.
*
Kelli stepped off the elevator, but she waited and looked down both ends of the hallway. She didn’t know how, but she was disappointed and relieved at the same time. So far, she’d been good at avoiding Nora, and right now, it felt like someone had sucked the life out of her. So, not seeing her was for the best. Kelli wasn’t prepared, and she had no idea if she would cry like a fucking baby or yell like the asshole she knew herself to be.
With a bag full of chili-cheese fries in her hand, Kelli walked down the hall toward Travis’s room. Since the first time she’d smuggled in fries, Travis had asked for them every few days. She wasn’t in a talking mood, but she had to lay eyes on him. Proof that at least one thing was going well.
Kelli passed the nurses’ station. She kept her eyes straight ahead. Travis was the only reason she was here. There was nothing else.
Nora turned the corner and headed in her direction. Everything in Kelli came to a complete standstill. She stopped and stared. Nora wasn’t alone. Another doctor walked beside her. They had their noses in the chart Nora was holding. Nora was in her own little world. The man pointed at something and nodded. Nora smiled, and Kelli couldn’t remember what was involved in the act of breathing. The other doctor walked away.
Finally, Nora looked up. Their gazes met and, for a moment, nothing else existed.
Kelli drank Nora in. She couldn’t help herself. She wanted Nora burned into her memory. She looked like shit, but at the same time, Nora was the most beautiful thing Kelli had ever seen. Nora studied her with an intensity Kelli could almost feel like the ghost of a caress against her skin. Her insides fluttered. Kelli tried to slam the door on her emotions—the joy, the need, the disappointment—but she couldn’t. Her feet moved without a fucking bit of permission. Kelli had to get closer. She just wanted so many things. That’s when it hit her—the anger. It didn’t have to be this way. All Nora had to do was stay. They could have talked things out, but she chose to run. Kelli wasn’t ready to do this.
Nora opened her mouth as if she was going to speak. Three loud beeps interrupted her. She fumbled with her pager and almost dropped it. She was obviously needed somewhere else. As Nora studied her beeper, Kelli breezed past her. She closed her eyes at the scent of her, the heat of her, but she kept on walking. When she reached Travis’s door, Kelli looked back down the hallway.
Nora was gone.
Fuck…just fuck. Overwhelmed, Kelli leaned against the door frame. That was too much. Painful knots twisted her stomach. Then, they settled in her gut, heavy and immovable like lead.
CHAPTER 6
Kelli looked through the window of McCabe’s Deli. She spotted her mother right away, but she didn’t expect to see Sean tucked away in the corner with a sandwich hanging out of his mouth. She was already on edge and that just aggravated her even more. What the hell was he thinking? Now wasn’t the time to fucking enjoy life. They weren’t in a damn musical. Kelli yanked the door open and went straight for him.
At first, Sean smiled. A second later, he huffed and looked away as Kelli scowled down at him. Before she could open her mouth and jump on his ass, he looked her right in the eye and said, “I’m taking a fucking break and having lunch and coffee. Is that okay with you?”
Sean’s attitude threw Kelli for a minute, but she realized she probably deserved it. Didn’t change her mood though. Nothing would. “Just tell me if you found anything.”
“What? You mean you didn’t track him down on your own? Does that mean you’re human too?”
Blood rushed to Kelli’s face. She knew he was mad, and the way she’d been treating him probably hurt like hell. But, she didn’t expect him to come back at her like that. The surge of guilt only made her pissier.
Sean stood. Kelli followed him to the trashcan.
“No, I haven’t found anything so just get off my back.” Sean turned. They stood face to face. “He’s my fucking brother too or did you forget that?”
“I know that!”
The few people present were watching them. Kelli didn’t care.
“Then start acting like it! I’m doing everything I can. Stop taking your shit out on me. You can’t run over everybody. If you treated Nora like this, no wonder she dumped your ass!”
Nora. He was right. That’s exactly what happened. Time to face facts. It felt like he’d just poured ice water down her spine. In the moment, she hated him for bringing Nora up, and she hated herself for fucking everything she touched all to hell. Kelli’s hands fisted, and she stepped forward. She wanted to hit him so bad she could barely breathe.
Sean stared and held his ground. “Go ahead, if it’ll get this shit out of your system.”
Suddenly, they were pushed apart by a very angry, purple-faced Carina McCabe. She was breathing hard, as if she’d been running. “Enough of this! Sean, go.” She grabbed Kelli’s arm. “You’re coming with me.”
Carina yanked Kelli toward the storage room. Shame washed over her then. Kelli couldn’t meet her mother’s gaze.
Carina paced in front of her. “Look at me.”
Kelli couldn’t. She didn’t trust herself. What was keeping her from tearing into her mother?
“Dammit! I said look at me!”
Kelli snapped to attention.
“Stop it. Just…stop it, Kelli.”
Kelli pressed her lips together. She didn’t know what to say anyway.
Carina paused and took a deep, ragged breath. “We have been through too much the past couple of years for things to be this way. You’re a grown woman, and I’ve been trying to give you space. I can’t anymore.”
Kelli swallowed, but she couldn’t do anything about the throbbing pain in her chest. Her mother was right and she deserved to hear that. “Mom, I—”
“You’re my child no matter how old you are. I know you. You take on too much, and you stuff it all down so you can take on even more. When you’re hurting, everyone is the enemy. But I’ve never seen you like this.”
“I’m…sorry.” Kelli couldn’t remember ever being like this.
“I’m scared…so scared. If we’re gonna lose Antony, we can’t be like this.” Carina started to cry.
Kelli was back to feeling helpless again. “We’re not!” Her voice was thick with emotion.
“I’m not stupid, baby. I know what his chances are.” Carina shook her head and wiped her face. “But this isn’t about him. It’s about you.”
Her mother’s words pissed Kelli off all over again.
“I don’t have time for it to be about me.”
“You’re making it that way. Don’t you see? Talk to me. You’ve gotta let someone in.” Carina stepped closer.
Frustration and shame fought for space within Kelli. “I did.” She sagged in defeat. “Look where it got me.”
Carina reached out. Kelli moved away, but not before she saw pain flash in her mother’s eyes. Is that all she fucking did? Hurt people? Kelli didn’t know how to make it stop. So, the next best thing was to leave. “I’m sorry, Mom. I just… I need to go.”
Kelli drove around for what seemed like hours. Her cell phone rang and rang. She could have turned it off or put it on vibrate, but to her the sound symbolized how bad things had gotten. Everyone she cared about knew she was in a dark place. Kelli wished she knew how to dig herself out. She turned on Yessler’s Way and passed The Dirty Cat. Memories piled up on her, and her chest started to burn. It was like being shot again. This time, she was bleeding out. Kelli’s phone rang for the fiftieth time. She reached for it. Maybe whoever was on the other end could help stop all of this.
“McCabe.” Her voice was small and scratchy.
“Hey.”
Kelli closed her eyes.
“Kelli, I know you’re there. I just talked to Sean,” Travis said.
She changed her mind. “I don’t know if I can do this right now.”
“I can take whatever you dish out. I have so far.”
“Travis,” Kelli said, “maybe it’s best if you just leave it be.”
“Would you? If it were me?”
“No.”
“Well, there you go.” Travis paused. “I know the Antony thing is killing you, but what do you think it’s doing to Sean? To your mom?”
“I know they’re worried.”
“You don’t know shit. Sean’s all torn up inside over this, but the kicker is he’s fucked up about disappointing you too. He looks up to you, Kelli, and you’re looking down on him instead of working together. If you knew half the shit he’s done to find Tony… Some of it even scares me.”
Kelli pulled into a parking space. Her entire chest felt as if it were in a vise. She had no idea. “I…I didn’t know.”
“No, I’m sure you didn’t, and about Nora… She looks like shit. I don’t even know what else to say about that.”
She knew that Nora was miserable. She’d seen it. Kelli tried to swallow down the huge lump in her throat. It wouldn’t budge.
“You have to get your shit together, Kel. You have to. You think what you’re doing is helping anything?”
“No, it’s not, but I don’t know how to make it stop. I have a lot of shit to make up for.” Kelli was finally able to admit it out loud.
“You do, but well, you didn’t curse at me or hang up in my face, so that’s a start. You’ve never been this bad before.”
“Yeah, true.” Kelli knew that she could be a bit…abrasive, but she’d crossed that line a while back. Hell, she’d obliterated it. She’d been hiding behind her rage. It was a dick thing to do—the coward’s way out. It was time to let herself really start to feel again, even if the pain was constant.
*
Nora gathered her things from her desk, readying herself for the drive home. Phineas and a bottle of wine were waiting. Although, Nora had to acknowledge that Phineas hadn’t been himself lately. He barely interacted with her at all. Obviously, he missed his playmate. For some reason, that saddened her. Kelli had accepted him as part of Nora’s…uniqueness, and it meant the world. But, all that was gone, at least for the time being.
Nora rubbed the bridge of her nose in an attempt to stave off a headache. The day had been long, tedious. Physically, she was exhausted, but her mind remained alert. Unfortunately, this was part of the problem. Unable to help herself, Nora opened her desk drawer and peered down at the carefully folded notes. She reached in randomly and grabbed one. Her hand was shaking. That in itself was continued evidence of her wretched state. Surgeons don’t shake. Nora unfolded the paper and closed her eyes as the words washed over her.
I can’t stop thinking about you.
For a second, the words filled the gaping hole in her chest, and it felt like nothing had changed. But, that wasn’t the truth. A couple days had passed. To say Nora was still rattled by her impromptu meeting with Kelli would be a gross understatement. Nora was rocked completely to the core. Kelli was never far from her thoughts. She recalled Kelli’s expression. Her eyes, they tried to pull her in at first, then spit her out again. Clearly, Kelli was having difficulty with their separation, as well.
Nora wasn’t sure if that information was supposed to make her feel better or worse. She refolded the letter and placed it back where it belonged. She was still angry with herself. There was so much she could have said, but in the seconds that stretched between them, the words refused to come. Regret and loss pierced her, leaving her even more drained than before.
The knock on her office door yanked Nora from her morose thoughts. She glanced up and, automatically, her mask slid into place. She had changed, but she still knew the value of self-preservation.
“Come in.”
Susan smiled as she entered.
Nora didn’t have it in her at the moment to reciproca
te.
“I saw the board. You’ve been busy today, and I wasn’t sure if anybody told you. I imagine that most people around here think that it doesn’t matter, but I’d want to know. So, I thought you would too.”
“I’m sorry. I’m not following, and if you’ve come here to relay gossip, I need you to know I’m not interested,” Nora said. She didn’t have the patience for this right now. Susan seemed nice, but if this was the path they were headed down, Nora needed to close the door now.
“It’s not. I promise. Dr. Rader checked himself out of the hospital a few hours ago.”
Nora’s insides curled. “What? I mean…are you sure?”
“I’m positive.”
Nora searched her memory. She’d said some pretty harsh things to him, but they were also true. And she needed to say them. Even though Taylor visited, the fact that they were arguing eased her mind a bit. Maybe she could completely close the door on all of this. “Thank you for letting me know. I…appreciate it.”
Susan nodded. “No problem. Look, my shift is about to end. I’ve asked you to meet me for drinks a few times now. I won’t be alone tonight, because a couple of other nurses are coming with me. I bet you could really use a drink right now.” Susan moved closer to Nora’s desk. “It would be really great to get to know you outside this place.”
Nora let the request hang in the air.
She tried so hard to keep from shrinking into herself just as she did the other times. The thought of engaging with strangers this way made her uncomfortable. Kelli had paved the way to her family and friends. Nora wasn’t sure she was ready to do this on her own. “Not tonight. I’m just not up for it.”
Susan deflated. “I’m trying, Dr. Whitmore. There’s a chance it could be weird, but it might be fun too. Couldn’t you use some of that?”
Her statement was true. Susan was trying, but this was such a gigantic step. Little ones, Nora could handle most of the time, but this? “Your friends are okay with this?” Nora asked. Was she honestly considering this after already saying no? The impulse, however small and clouded, was definitely there. Perhaps one drink wouldn’t hurt.
Crossing Lines Page 7
