Miss Match

by Fiona Riley

  “Hey.” Andrew was standing over her desk with a concerned look. “I’ve been talking to you for like three minutes and you’ve been in a fog.”

  “Oh, what’s up?”

  Andrew sat down across from her with a pleased expression on his face. “I have good news—well, not good news per se, but not bad news, which is something.”

  “I’m not following.”

  “Listen, I know I royally fucked up with the Lucinda and Logan thing. It was a total jerk move and I can’t apologize enough, but I had a thought. After the meeting with Clear View I put in a call to Logan to do a little research into the whole blind item thing.”

  Samantha perked up a bit. “And?”

  “And after some footwork and I’d be willing to bet a little physical violence on Logan’s part, we got the intel we’d been hoping for.”

  “You are burying the lede here, Andrew, get on with it.”

  “The leak didn’t come from Clear View. It didn’t come from Lucinda. It came from Alec Frost.”

  “Are you fucking kidding me?” Samantha was out of her seat in a flash.

  “That’s what I said. Turns out Alec was pissed we dropped him as a client and contacted a media outlet to try and scandalize us. But since he didn’t know the exact reason behind you and Eric splitting, he had to be vague. He doesn’t know the details—there isn’t more story coming out, Sam.”

  “Shit.” Samantha let her head drop, her body weight supported by her hands on the desk.

  “I was expecting you to be a little more enthusiastic…”

  “I am such a fucking moron.”

  “Care to elaborate?” Andrew paused, “No, on second thought, I don’t really care. Call Lucinda and tell her we figured out where the problem originated.”

  “I can’t.” Samantha slumped back into her chair, feeling deflated.

  “Why can’t you? Just call her and tell her the good news.”

  “I sort of told her we were on a break.”

  “A what?”

  Samantha just looked at him, feeling admonished already.

  “Are you serious?” Now Andrew was out of his seat, leaning over her desk with a disappointed expression on his face. “You better fix this, Samantha. You can’t just push people away when you’re scared.”

  “What if it’s too late?” Samantha started to cry, a hopeless feeling settling on her shoulders.

  “Can you live without her?” Andrew stepped back, a patient expression on his face.

  “What?”

  Samantha’s whole world had changed when she met Lucinda and if she were honest with herself, she no longer considered her life without Lucinda in it. Even with all her pain and fear from her secret getting out, and pushing Lucinda away, not once had she thought about what it would be like to box up all those products in the bathroom. What it would be like to wash Lucinda’s scent out of her sheets. She had not considered never being able to see bright blue eyes and hear her favorite laugh. She hadn’t thought of waking up in the morning to nothing but the buzz of her alarm clock, no soft kisses to her shoulder, coffee in the pot, breakfast in the microwave, none of that. She couldn’t even imagine her life without Lucinda in it. The mere mention of it brought the beginnings of a panic attack to her chest. Suddenly her throat felt like it was closing.

  “What do I do?” She tried to steady her breathing.

  His answer was simple. “Whatever you need to.”

  She nodded but didn’t move, frozen in her seat.

  Andrew sighed. “Find her. Apologize. Tell her she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to you because she is. You need to be honest with her and prove to her that you aren’t going to abandon her like everyone else in this world. Stop thinking about it and go.”

  She grabbed her purse and hugged him, hoping that maybe it wasn’t too late to make things right.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  Lucinda didn’t answer her cell phone. All of Samantha’s texts went unread. When she called Lucinda’s house, her voice mail picked up.

  Samantha hopped in her car after her calls to the dance studio went unanswered. Lucinda wasn’t there. She wasn’t at the boxing gym, and she wasn’t at the park with the perfect view of the city. She wasn’t at her office. Samantha looked everywhere and it was getting dark. The prospect of spending another night without Lucinda was more than she could handle.

  Samantha had exhausted her resources. Panic began creeping over her when a thought crossed her mind. The aquarium. That was the only place left to look. They had had their first date there, their first kiss. Lucinda had told her she used to go there all the time. She dialed the aquarium as she drove across town, hoping to get in before they closed for the night. Something told her this was her last chance.

  The teenager behind the glass at the aquarium looked at her like she had ten heads when she paid the full day’s admission price to get into the building only an hour before closing. He tried to dissuade her, offering her a discount on the next day; she practically had to throw the money at him to get inside. She was dead set on finding Lucinda.

  She speed walked through the penguin exhibit, winding her way up to the tropical fish section. When she found nothing, she set her sights on the top of the tank. She remembered the reverence that Lucinda’d had when she talked about Myrtle and the view from the top. From a certain angle, you could see the levels below, showcasing Lucinda’s favorite sea creatures. This was Samantha’s last hope; she was all out of ideas.

  She was practically at a sprint when she finally got to the top of the tank, weaving between people. Divers perched on the platform, lowering themselves into the tank, one at a time, to do the nightly feeding. She would have been in awe of the display if she wasn’t so desperate to find Lucinda. It’s not every day you saw someone drop into a tank filled with hundreds of sea creatures.

  But Lucinda wasn’t here. She had failed.

  Samantha walked along the curve of the tank, her eyes directed toward the water as she approached the spot Lucinda had pointed out. The divers were cleaning the tank in front of her, a few schools of shimmery silver fish frantically swimming out of their way. She sighed and glanced over to where she hoped to see Lucinda standing, her heart heavy. Then she noticed a dark mass against the glass. She picked up her pace and found Lucinda sitting on the floor, staring vacantly through the water of the tank to the exhibits below.

  “Luce…” Samantha approached her slowly, fearful she might flee.

  Lucinda turned her head at the sound of her name. She took in Samantha’s shape before turning back to the glass, disappearing before Samantha’s eyes.

  “Lucy.” She tried again, stepping closer before slowly sliding down and sitting next to her, close, but not touching just yet. “Hey, I’m here.”

  Lucinda’s eyes narrowed, looking at nothing and everything all at once. She felt exposed, naked. Seeing Samantha didn’t make her sad, but it didn’t make her happy either. It made her feel…lost. She felt lost in those deep brown eyes; Samantha seemed sad and confused and nervous. It made sense to her.

  She shifted slightly, angling her body to face Samantha and the tank at the same time. Her eyes remained on the divers in the tank, watching the stingrays glide effortlessly along the surface. She was envious of them—they were flying, flying in peace. She wanted that in this moment, peace. Everything was so heavy and hard. She wondered how it would feel to be surrounded by water, to be weightless but secure at the same time, softly encased in water. She wondered if it would start to burn once she needed to breathe, if she could stand it.

  “Do you think stingrays ever get tired of flying?” she asked quietly. “You know, like do they get bored of the continuous circles they make in the tank?”

  “I don’t know,” Samantha answered. “It’s all they know, so maybe they don’t know to get bored of it.”

  Lucinda nodded in agreement. They didn’t know what they were missing. They didn’t know that there was a great wide ocean out in the real wor
ld with troubles and obstacles and predators. She did though, she knew. She knew that this contained environment was only a half life. A safe life, but half of a life all the same.

  She had walled herself up after Grace. She had steeled those walls when Dominic died. She was tired of building defenses. They didn’t shelter her from anything really, they just kept her from living. She was a prisoner to her walls, not protected by them. When Samantha had entered her life, she vowed to try something different. But the outcome had been the same.

  She looked at Samantha, her face shimmering with the movements of the water next to them. Lucinda felt her heart rate increase slightly. Samantha was so beautiful, even when she was worried. The crease of concern on her forehead was adorable. Lucinda didn’t fight the small smile that formed on her lips as she took in all of Samantha’s perfect features. She wanted to remember all the details of her face. She wanted to tattoo them on her memory so she could recall them later, in case she didn’t see them again.

  “You’re beautiful, you know that?” she whispered, her fingers hovering near Samantha’s face, wanting to touch, but resisting. “You are perfect.” She pulled her hand back and pressed it to the cool glass. “You should go, Samantha. Go be beautiful and perfect somewhere else.”

  “No.”

  Lucinda watched her closely for a moment. She looked back toward the water as Myrtle coasted by, sputtering water and air. “Samantha,” she said, “what is it you want from me?”

  “Anything you can give me. I just want you, Luce.”

  Lucinda let the words settle and take root. Samantha wanted her, still. She felt a pang in her chest as she thought about what that meant, about the responsibility of that statement, the weight of it. She didn’t know if she trusted it. It sounded heavenly to belong to Samantha, to give herself to her that way.

  Lucinda shifted so she was fully facing Samantha, her hands tapping on her lap nervously. Samantha reached across to steady them, perhaps to quiet the fear in them. The warmth of her hands was almost too much for Lucinda to bear. Her instinct told her to recoil and wrap herself up, but she knew it was time to break those old patterns. She had to break free.

  “What is it about this place, Lucy?” Samantha asked. “What haunts you here?”

  “Today is the anniversary of Dominic’s death. I am officially older than he will ever be. We used to come here all the time. He used to clean the tank. He said it was peaceful. I spent my whole life growing around him and with him and then one day he was just gone. My only true stability in life, my rock, one day just washed out to sea without any warning.”

  Lucinda sighed. “I was lost and abandoned for all my life. No one wanted me, no one claimed me; there was no one to miss me. I was just a mouth to feed or a body to be clothed. I learned to swallow my emotions, to pretend to be happy and playful. You got placed in a home that way, when you didn’t appear broken. But I was broken. I was unloved and broken.

  “I don’t ever end up on the side of happiness or love. I always seem to be just a little short, just out of reach. I want the chance to be happy, Samantha. I want the chance to have love that won’t end, that won’t fade. A love that won’t die. I want that.” She paused, wondering whether Samantha would disappear before her eyes like a dream if she spoke the truth. “I want that with you.”

  “Oh God, Luce. I’m so sorry. I never should have pushed you away.” Samantha was crying now. “I want that too. I want all of it, please.”

  Lucinda brushed a tear away from Samantha’s face, gently stroking her cheek for a moment as she tried to stop the trembling of her lips. “I can’t live in fear that something will get too hard for you one day and you’re just going to up and leave, Samantha. I’ve had too many good-byes to repeat that cycle.”

  Samantha leaned forward and pressed a chaste kiss to Lucinda’s lips, holding there while Lucinda sucked in a breath, trying to slow the tremors rolling through her body. “I’m here. I’m here and I’m not leaving. I’m not leaving, Lucy.” She pulled Lucinda forward into her arms and held her.

  Lucinda sobbed, tucking her head against Samantha’s neck, burrowing close. “I don’t want to do this alone anymore. I don’t want to be alone. I don’t think I can take anyone else leaving again. I can’t lose everything again.”

  Samantha saw it now; everything Lucinda had ever known in her life had been conditional and limited and not truly hers. The only unconditional love she had known in her life was from Connie and Dominic. When Dominic died, that last bit of security she had built her life around went with it. How could someone have so much hurt for so long and still learn to love? How could they be loved? When everything feels like it’s not theirs to begin with. Who do they belong to?

  Her. Lucinda could belong to her. She could be strong for once in her life and not run away from her feelings. Because nothing had ever been worth fighting for until she met Lucinda.

  “I’m not going anywhere, Luce,” Samantha said. “I’m yours. I’m here to stay. Sh, I’m here.” Samantha shook her head, her own sad tears freshly falling as she looked at Lucinda’s broken expression, the hurt and pain weighing down her perfect features. Samantha ran her thumbs under her eyes to catch hot tears, easing them away. “You are the love of my life, Luce. You are the happy ending I’m always finding for my clients. You are the breath of fresh air that makes me feel alive.” She pulled in a deep breath and exhaled slowly. “You are all I want. All the good and the bad, I’m here, I’ll help shoulder the burden, because you are worth it. All of it.” Samantha shifted her position, pulling Lucinda to her knees in front of her. “I love you. I want you. I’m here.”

  Lucinda closed the distance between them, kissing Samantha softly on the lips, the electricity of their connection reminding her of all the great moments that awaited a life with Lucinda in it. She breathed in deeply, pressing her lips more firmly against Lucinda’s as she let all the heavy emotions wash over her, cleansing her, bringing her hope.

  A familiar splashing and sputtering noise nearby cut their moment short. Myrtle resurfaced on the other side of the glass, interrupting them again, just like the first time. Lucinda laughed through her tears and shook her head as Samantha giggled and pressed her face against Lucinda’s neck. They stayed there for a moment, both of them watching Myrtle with amusement as she dipped her head below the surface and gulped down the food tossed to her from the divers.

  Lucinda turned her head and pressed her lips to Samantha’s temple as Samantha snuggled closer and allowed herself to be enveloped in Lucinda’s embrace, her eyes following Myrtle’s graceful journey along the top of the tank.

  “The night Grace and I broke up, I came here to brood by the tank when Dominic found me. I thought he was going to feed me some bullshit line about there being more fish in the sea or something.” Lucinda spoke softly. “Instead, he reminded me of a miracle that had occurred in the aquarium a few years before. One of the divers lost his wedding ring in the tank. Two hundred thousand gallons of water and fish poo and coral—everyone thought that ring was fish food for sure.

  “A few months later, one of the volunteers was scrubbing the tank and vacuuming up some debris when something shiny and round caught his eye. He thought it was a coin, you know, because all of those damn tourists are accidently dropping crap in there like cell phones and cameras.” She laughed. “But when he looked closer, he saw it was a ring, a man’s wedding ring. I remember how I scoffed at him and told him I remembered the story but didn’t understand why in that moment he felt like I needed to be reminded of it. He just shook his head and replied as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. He said, Sometimes it takes a little while to find what you’re looking for, even if you don’t know what it is. You know, I think he was right.”

  “He sounds like a smart man.” Samantha pulled Lucinda to standing and clasped their fingers together. “Take me home, Luce.”

  *

  “I still can’t believe that asshole Alec was involved.” Lucinda shook her
head as she turned on the bedside lamp. On the ride back to Lucinda’s house, Samantha had told her the entire tale of Logan digging up the goods on Alec, which made her feel a little better about the whole situation. Be that as it may, this scare was enough for her to immediately implement changes in the confidential handling of client information. While Samantha made a phone call, she shot off a quick email to Brian about the Alec bombshell and told him to start brainstorming protocol changes to be discussed on Monday and to let her know of any updates on Samantha’s case. When Samantha told her about Logan’s findings, she had assured Lucinda she was confident Andrew and Claire’s team would sort out the details, but Lucinda figured one little email couldn’t hurt, right?

  “Andrew started plotting all sorts of fantastical revenge plots until I talked him out of it,” Samantha called from the bathroom sink with a laugh.

  Lucinda considered how much fun it would be to hear those plots over drinks. It made her happy that Andrew had used his investigative connections for good instead of evil this time. All’s well that ends well, she supposed.

  Lucinda lay on her bed, taking a brief moment to consider all the things that had unfolded tonight. She was tired, but it felt like a complete kind of tiredness, like she was tired for the right reasons. Samantha walked into the room and Lucinda quietly watched as she slowly undressed. Samantha walked to her bedroom window, looking over her shoulder, and beckoned Lucinda closer, extending her hand as she waited. Lucinda crawled out of bed and joined her, clasping their hands together and resting them on Samantha’s abdomen from behind as she looked out at the view in front of them.