Regret (Under My Skin Book 1)

by Christina Lee

  He had invited me into his home for Christ’s sake, which couldn’t have been easy. Besides, Mrs. Dell was the kindest person and as it turned out, her lasagna was awesome, maybe even better than my mom’s.

  All through dinner as she told me about her work with the disabled and elderly I couldn’t help stealing glances at Nick across the table, trying to figure him out. It was as if I was seeing him in a brand-new light, which was really fucked up. This wasn’t how any of this was supposed to work. I was supposed to despise him, and the fact that I let him get me off was only payback before I moved out of his place and got back to my own life.

  “Your curls are darling, by the way,” Mrs. Dell remarked with a kind smile as she passed me the basket of rolls.

  “Thanks,” I replied as I placed some bread on my plate and reached for the butter. “They were getting out of control until Nick helped me out.”

  Mrs. Dell’s fork paused on the way to her mouth. “Helped you how?”

  I looked over at Nick who was staring straight ahead, his throat working to swallow. Did his mom not know he was in cosmetology school? What the actual fuck?

  I figured he’d kick me under the table or narrow his eyes at me, but instead, he seemed to just roll with it, accept the situation for what it was. Sort of like he did when I made the joke to Elijah that one night about setting him up. It made me realize his feelings were always somewhat removed, yet still close to the surface, ready to overwhelm him at a moment’s notice. Like the mini panic attack in the bathroom.

  I felt like there were so many layers to him that had yet to be uncovered and I didn’t know him at all. Not that I ever did, I supposed.

  Besides, I wasn’t even trying to. I was doing him a favor by coming here and I’d admit it was nice to have met his mother and see a little more of his life. It sort of demystified the Nicholas Dell of my past. Cemented the idea that he was, in fact, a person with a history and actual feelings.

  “I’m pretty good with a comb and scissors. You remember, don’t you, Mom?” Nick asked as his hesitant gaze swung to her. “When you and Dad would go out and I’d pretend to help style your hair?”

  Mrs. Dell laughed at the memory. “Oh gosh, yes. You were so young.”

  Even as she resumed eating, she continued to watch her son as if scanning through his childhood for any similar memories and I wondered if she’d eventually put two and two together. It’s what’s expected of me.

  But something didn’t add up. Surely Mrs. Dell would understand if her child had other interests. Other passions. Why the hell wouldn’t he share that part of himself with her?

  After another minute we heard scratching at the back door. “Is it okay to let Tallulah inside?”

  “Yes, of course,” Mrs. Dell replied. I stood to open the sliding glass door and after Tallulah bounded in she proceeded to sniff all around the living room and kitchen before lying down beneath my feet at the table.

  “So what happened between you and Sarah?” Mrs. Dell asked Nick and I realized I must’ve missed part of their conversation while I was tending to Tallulah.

  Nick’s shoulders stiffened. “I don’t know, Mom, I…” He shook his head.

  “It’s okay, I’ll stop prying,” she responded, letting him off the hook. “Maybe the next girl will be the right one.”

  When Nick’s eyes rose to meet mine there was sadness there—the kind of bone-deep sadness I’d noticed before. He wasn’t being honest, which meant he wasn’t being his true self. And I knew that feeling—it sucked donkey balls. But it wasn’t my life or my story to tell. Though I genuinely didn’t understand his motivation.

  Well maybe if you didn’t keep shutting him down and gave him half a chance to explain himself, he finally would.

  “How about you, Brin?” Mrs. Dell asked and I could feel Nick’s hot gaze on me. “Got a special girl in your life?”

  “Well, I’m gay,” I replied with a laugh. “So the only special girls in my life are my mom…and Tallulah.”

  I was not going to hide my sexuality from anybody. Been there, done that. When my gaze snapped to Nick there was nothing but admiration in his gaze—and a smirk planted on his face. He wasn’t going to give me any shit or he knew I wouldn’t take it.

  His mom did a double take, threw a glance Nick’s way, and then finally chuckled and winked at me. “Then, let me revise my question.”

  “I don’t have anybody important in my life,” I answered simply. “I seem to choose all the wrong people.”

  She patted my hand. “I guess you and Nicky both do.”

  Nick cleared his throat and immediately began stacking the dishes.

  17

  Nick

  Things seemed easier this afternoon having Brin with me, despite a couple of unexpected revelations. But I’d breathed through it, and afterward they didn’t seem so large and looming. So Brin heard I had a sister who passed away. And Mom discovered I’d cut Brin’s hair. And now she knew not only that Elijah was gay but also Brin. She definitely looked at me funny, like she was working something through in her brain, but I doubted she’d ever bring it up to me again. Just like with the Barbie dolls.

  After we cleaned up the kitchen, we visited some more and played with Tallulah in the backyard for a bit longer. As Mom walked us to the car with our leftovers, she received a phone call. She answered it, told the person on the other end to hold on, and then said her goodbyes.

  As we backed out of the driveway she waved distractedly as she placed the phone to her ear again. The person on the other end must’ve said something funny or cute because she laughed and then blushed, kicking at a stone on the driveway. And now I was definitely curious who exactly was on the other end—not that I knew all of her friends. But it was certainly nice to see a playful smile on her face.

  “Your mom is a great lady,” Brin remarked, as he turned right and steered his black Jetta back on the main road leading to the thruway.

  “Thanks. I can tell she really likes you…and Tally,” I replied, looking in the back seat at her sleeping form. “Beware, Mom will keep asking me about you.”

  He smiled lazily as we entered the freeway, and it dawned on me how nice it was simply to hang with him. Sure there was crazy tension between us, but also something that felt a lot like comfort and camaraderie, a shared history, but it couldn’t just be on my end.

  “Whoa,” I pointed up ahead where a semi had swerved off the road with a blown-out tire. Brin slammed on the brakes, so he didn’t crash into the car ahead of him.

  My one hand gripped the door handle while the other landed on his thigh to find purchase, as car after car screeched to a halt behind us.

  I glanced over my shoulder at Tally to make sure she was okay as Brin smacked the steering wheel and cursed. “Well shit, hope we’re not stuck here too long. Everyone okay?”

  “Yep, all good,” I replied as I craned my neck out the side window at the other cars lining two entire lanes of traffic. The truck driver already was out of the cab and placing orange pylons to alert driving to go around him.

  “Uh, do you mind?” Brin asked in a strained voice, and I realized my fingers were still resting on his upper thigh, close to his crotch.

  “My bad,” I responded, removing my hand but not before stealing a glance at his plumped-up zipper and then upward to his flushed cheeks.

  “Although I’m pretty certain somebody else didn’t seem to mind.” It was an attempt at a bad joke as my own pants became tighter. Simply the idea of any parts of our bodies touching got my blood pumping.

  “What can I say?” He rolled his eyes. “You stick your hand anywhere near my cock, I’m gonna get hard.”

  He glanced over his shoulder as the vehicles in the right-hand lane began crawling forward.

  “Yeah?” I asked in a low voice. “How about a mouth?”

  “Well duh,” he replied with a laugh, taking an opening to merge to the more active lane. “And unless you’re offering, knock it off. I don’t need to drive with an
uncomfortable chub.”

  “Do you want me to offer?” I asked in a playful voice as I quirked an eyebrow in his direction.

  He groaned low in his throat. “Are you purposely trying to mess with me?”

  When his eyes briefly met mine, there was a hint of a dare. He chewed on his lip as the car crawled forward and when he glanced my way again his gaze was unmistakably filled with longing.

  I tried to control my runaway breaths until I finally blurted it out. “Has anyone ever given you a hand job while driving?”

  “Maybe,” he said distractedly, as his hand reached down to adjust his crotch. “I don’t remember.”

  “How could you not remember?” I asked as my fingers inched to his knee and then up his thigh to his crotch. When I ran my thumb over his zipper he gasped. “You’re so fucking hard for it.”

  He swore under his breath. “Wouldn’t you be?”

  When he didn’t swat my hand away I got braver. “I want to put my mouth on you again.”

  I heard a strangled whimper in his throat. “Why?”

  “Because you’re fucking sexy and I didn’t get a good-enough taste before,” I replied attempting to catch his eye so he knew how sincere I was. “I want to make you feel good. Isn’t that enough for now?”

  “I don’t know. I shouldn’t even…” he replied, gripping the steering wheel. “You get my thoughts so fucking jumbled.”

  Was that a bad thing? I couldn’t help smiling to myself. The feeling was mutual.

  The lane he was in began moving and before we knew it Brin was nearly riding the speed limit again. I kept my hand in place, massaging him in slow circles as he squirmed and panted. “Fuck, Nick. What the hell are you doing?”

  Spurred on by his obvious arousal, I angled my body and slid my other hand to his crotch. Using both sets of fingers, I slowly unbuttoned and unzipped his fly, releasing his cock from the confines of his jeans.

  He released a soft and needy groan, which made all the hairs on my neck stand up. Damn, he was fun to play with. So responsive.

  “Why doesn’t your mom know you’ve been with guys?” he asked unexpectedly, through a clenched jaw—either to get some things straight or to deter me from my task. Still fighting me at every turn, even though the payoff would be oh so sweet. For both of us.

  “Because I’ve never been in an actual relationship with a guy,” I replied as I peeled his underwear down to expose his red and leaking cock.

  He relaxed his thigh as if to give me better access. “That’s a fucking cop out and you know it.”

  “You’re right. It is,” I said, meeting his gaze. “She’d love a grandchild and until I meet somebody I want to spend my life with, I’ll just…I don’t know.”

  I squeezed my eyes shut and buried my head in his shoulder because I skated on the edge of that idea for far too long and it made my stomach pitch. I could smell him now—rain and grass and quintessential Brin—and I had the urge to straddle his lap and melt into him. Forget about the outside world and only focus on the two people inside this car.

  I kissed the edges of his shirt collar, simply wanting to feel his warmth against my mouth. “You know you can have a kid with a man too,” he said breathlessly as my lips progressed to the fleshy part where his neck met his collarbone.

  “Yeah, I know.” The idea of it made me dizzy with fear as much as longing. If only. Tasting his bare skin made me groan and I wished I could take his mouth right then and there, because chances were I’d never get that opportunity.

  When I licked and sucked the side of his throat, his fingers drew up to lightly grip my waist. I shivered at the gentle but tenuous hold, knowing he was only trying to find purchase and wishing it was because he desperately needed to touch me too.

  With my eyes shielded by his silky hair, it was easier to admit some other things as well. “But my mom lost out on the opportunity to have a girl in her life and I figure if I just meet…” I shook my head. “Fuck it, you wouldn’t get it.”

  Without meeting his eyes, I shifted downward, so I could slide my head to his crotch. I didn’t want to talk about this shit anymore. There were important pieces of the puzzle missing for him that under no circumstances did I want to fill in. It would completely change his perception of me. And it was already pretty damn awful.

  His hand landed on my shoulder as if to push me away. “I do get it…I just don’t understand why that’s your responsibility. But I suppose it’s none of my…ohhhhhhh,” he moaned as my mouth descended to lick around his crown.

  Fuck, he tasted good. Salty and warm and I wanted him to bury his cock down my throat again but from this position that would be impossible. Still, I wanted to get lost in him, and hear him become wholly undone. The stuff my fantasies were made of. “Pull off somewhere. I want to make you come.”

  His knee began shaking as I continued licking up one side of his shaft and down the other, letting my tongue map all over his long veins.

  “Here’s the Edgewater Beach exit,” he replied in a gruff voice and as I lifted my head to glance through the window, he was already pulling into the mostly empty lot at the opposite end of the boat docks.

  “What the fuck am I even doing?” he sputtered as he pushed the car into park. “I don’t want a cop knocking on my window.”

  I ignored his rambling as my fingers grazed beneath his shirt, lifting the material, and sucking a nipple between my lips.

  “Ah hell,” he groaned when I moved to the other side. I feathered kisses down the center of his chest to his abdomen, paying special attention to his jutting hipbone. “You’re making me fucking crazy.”

  I smiled against his flushed skin as I resumed bobbing my mouth up and down his length, sucking him to the back of my throat. “Goddamn. I’m gonna make a mess.”

  “I plan on swallowing every drop,” I replied as I tongued his slit. “So you better spurt good for me.”

  He gasped and squirmed against me until his tentative fingers dragged up my shoulders and finally—against his better judgment, obviously—his fingers groped my hair. He tugged hard, just the way I liked. I groaned and doubled my efforts as I hollowed my cheeks and took him as far back as my throat would allow without gagging.

  Recognizing he was at the very edge when his breathing changed and became choppy, I drew away from his shaft and licked into his slit instead. He ground his teeth and spewed curses at me, but the way his muscles thrummed with each touch of my lips and tongue, I knew he loved every minute of my teasing.

  “Jesus, that mouth,” he said as his thumb tenderly grazed my cheekbone and dipped to draw a line along my jaw. When I glanced up at him, raw and aching desire was reflected in his eyes and it made my heart stutter in my chest.

  “Goddamn it.” He yanked at my hair as I laved the underside of his crown. “I need to come already.”

  “So do it.” I reached for his balls through the material of his jeans and squeezed just as my mouth descended downward again.

  “Holy fuck. Nick. Oh, Nick.” The way he said my name almost made me jizz in my own pants. He arched his back and shouted my name again as he spurted his seed down my throat.

  “Mmmmmm,” I hummed and as promised, I swallowed every single drop.

  18

  Nick

  As Brin slowly came to his senses, I lifted my head to the parking lot making sure we were still alone, before I began helping him tuck in and zip up.

  He had trouble meeting my gaze as he gripped the door handle, managing to sit up, but still completely dazed.

  By now, Tally was pacing and whining in the back seat. Allowing Brin another minute to himself, I exited the car and opened the door, so Tally could stretch her legs if she needed to. “C’mon, girl.”

  I walked her toward the grassy hillside, trying to get my own heartbeat under control. Tally sniffed at the wildflowers and nosed at a couple of anthills. A couple of minutes later, Brin had caught up to join us.

  He elbowed me playfully and when I looked over, he wore
a small smile. “She must be growing on you.”

  “Maybe,” I replied and nudged him back. At a certain point, we doubled toward the parking lot, contented in our silence. I had just gotten him off and I couldn’t stop thinking about his hands in my hair. It made me uncomfortably hard and I’d have to jerk myself off in private once we got home.

  After I helped Tally into the back seat, our eyes met over the hood of the car. His gaze held a playful gleam like we’d just shared something great, and it filled that lonely place in the center of my chest nobody else had been able to thus far.

  “I’ll admit,” I said, arching an eyebrow. “I like how you called out my name.”

  He made an annoyed sound in his throat. “Screw you.”

  I tilted my head sideways. “Don’t I wish.”

  After we both slid inside the car and strapped ourselves in, he gripped the steering wheel. “Why do you say shit like that?”

  “Because you’re my second-biggest regret,” I murmured, throwing caution to the wind. It was the truth after all. “I wish I could go back, have a second chance to do things differently, but life doesn’t work that way.”

  Brin shut his eyes as a shiver ran across his shoulders.

  Fucking hell, he whispered under his breath.

  He fired up the engine and I turned away to study the landscape as we drove the rest of the way home in silence.

  When we got to the apartment, Stewart was helping Elijah into his shoes. My roommate looked clammy and feverish. He also must’ve felt pretty weak if Stewart hanging on to his waist was any indication.

  “Where are you going?” I asked as Tally scrambled by me to sniff at their feet.

  “I have some stuff to do on my desktop, so I’m going to take him to my place for the night,” Stewart replied as Elijah leaned heavily on him. “If he’s not any better in the morning, I’ll drive him to the urgent care center.”