Regret (Under My Skin Book 1)

by Christina Lee

“Yeah, of course.” I could hear his hesitation through the door. “Want to talk about it?”

  “Just going to sleep it off,” I mumbled.

  “Okay,” he replied with a sigh. “I’ll check back in with you later.”

  And then blissful silence.

  Thankfully Mom had skipped dinner this week due to a baby shower she was invited to this afternoon.

  Just to make sure I didn’t miss a message from her, I lifted my phone and scrolled through the texts. Most of them were from Brin.

  I know nothing I say will make a difference. Not when you’ve been carrying all of that around for years as some sort of penance.

  But I get it. Fuck, do I get it.

  Thank you for confiding in me last night. You’ll never understand how much that meant. I wish you were here right now, so I could hold you longer.

  My heart climbed to my throat as a sob threatened to break free.

  And even if you don’t feel like you can have something with me—something real and honest and beautiful—I’ll be here for you no matter what.

  Even if it’s only as a friend.

  You think I see you differently now. And for what it’s worth, I do.

  My breath froze in my lungs.

  I see you as the guy I desperately want to be with.

  You and only you. Every damn part of you.

  Even the parts you loathe.

  My eyes blurred from my tears as they fell onto the messages. The black thorny feeling in my chest eased just a touch.

  You are strong and resilient and gorgeous.

  Brilliant and worthy and good.

  Good down to your core, whether you see it or not.

  I believe that to the very depths of my soul.

  The stark nakedness of his hope stripped me bare to my bones.

  I tossed my phone across my pillow and bawled my heart out for everything that could never be. While simultaneously breathing a huge sigh of relief that he didn’t hate me or feel disgusted with me. That was probably all I could ask for in this life.

  For the guy I was helplessly in love with to not despise me.

  Later that night, I shared a slice of pizza with Elijah and Stewart, neither of whom asked me any questions. Stewart was still ticked at me and maybe eventually we’d have to discuss my snarky remarks to him last night. Or maybe he’d just continue furiously clicking the controller, killing zombies while pretending they were me. Wouldn’t be the first time and probably won’t be the last.

  But if he wanted to have an honest conversation about how to treat somebody you cared about, I was probably not the best example. So I needed to keep my trap shut and stay clear of their relationship or I’d be out of a roommate soon.

  Speaking of roommates, Elijah kept throwing me worried looks all night. He obviously thought things had gone badly between me and Brin and he’d sort of be right. But I didn’t have it in me to explain anything to him. Not now. Maybe not ever. And somehow I just knew I could trust Brin to keep my confession confidential. I wished we could be friends—more than friends, obviously—but it would hurt too much to even hear his voice right now.

  33

  Nick

  I went through the rest of my week in a daze, so much so it barely fazed me when my mom stopped into the shop and mentioned a Sunday afternoon barbecue in lieu of lasagna for Memorial Day. It was a three-day weekend and most businesses would be closed on Monday. Mom looked lighter, more energized even when she mentioned inviting another guest—the man she was dating. I was happy for her, definitely. I only needed some time to get my sea legs back under me. I was too busy drowning in a self-made pool of overwhelming doubt.

  So when Sunday rolled around and Elijah and I headed to my car, I was just coming out of the fog of my own brain. It felt like my biggest secret had been revealed to a significant person in my life, and I was still absorbing the aftershocks. Even though I talked it through in my session with Dr. Penny on Thursday and she encouraged me to consider building at least a friendship with Brin, nothing seemed to be sinking in until that moment.

  I was missing Brin and the connection we shared something fierce. He was solely responsible for the hollow ache in my chest. It was different than the pain I felt about Zoey and my parents and I had yet to catalog it properly.

  Walking through the door, I was immediately greeted by a tall gentleman with graying hair at his temples.

  “You must be Nick. I’m Jim.” As I shook his hand, I glanced over his shoulder and was startled to see a woman around my age standing at the kitchen counter alongside my mom and a toddler under her feet.

  Before I could make any sense of it, Mom turned and waved us in. “Oh good, you made it. The steaks are almost finished grilling.”

  Jim and Elijah were talking about our drive from the west side but I couldn’t seem to tear my eyes away from the little girl. She had blond pigtails and though her coloring was different from Zoey’s it seemed like forever since I’d been in the same room with a child around that age.

  Mom took me through the introductions, a flush staining her cheeks, more than likely nervous about what I’d think. “This is Jim’s daughter, Cathy, and his granddaughter, Mia. Their plans got canceled so I figured I’d invite them too.”

  Both Elijah and I shook Cathy’s hand. “Nice to meet you. Sorry to intrude on your Sunday dinner—”

  “No, it’s okay,” I replied, finally finding my voice and getting with the damn program. “The more the merrier.”

  Elijah threw me a curious look after he handed Mom the bottle of wine we’d brought and we shuffled toward the backyard patio where Mom had set the table with a checkerboard covering, napkins, and silverware. Mia had tottered to a soft blue blanket near the sliding glass doors and as I passed by she lifted a red block to me. “Play?”

  My heart crashed against my rib cage as I bent lower and fished it from her tiny fingers. “Um, sure.”

  I knelt down and began playing with her as Cathy asked Elijah where we lived and how long the drive was. The next time I looked up Mom threw me a watery smile as she watched us from the sink. I would build a tower of blocks, and Mia would knock them down while giggling uncontrollably. The same sort of thing Zoey used to do at that age. Some of the thorns piercing through my heart stung a little less simply from hearing Mia’s adorable laugh.

  A second later, when Jim reached for a wine glass in the cupboard, pecking Mom’s forehead as he passed, a fine tremor raced along my shoulders. Jim was obviously familiar enough with where Mom kept the dishes to make me wonder just how long they’d been dating. My pulse quickened as they discussed the corn on the cob needing a couple more minutes while I observed them flirt shamelessly with their eyes.

  And damn if it wasn’t the strangest thing. Watching your own mother move on. Finding hope after heartache.

  Sitting here with Mia, I felt raw and exposed bearing witness to what might likely be her future when mine was so bleak in comparison.

  During an awesome meal that included grilled chicken and steak, corn on the cob, and Cathy’s potato salad, Jim told us about his job as a network engineer. Cathy joked that her dad hadn’t yet waged his standard complaint about millennials in the tech world.

  “Don’t get him started. The day is still young,” Mom added with a grin.

  Cathy winked at Elijah and me just as Mia pointed excitedly toward the garden. Mom had set up a large bird feeder and a cardinal had landed on the perch. She clapped and chanted the word red and we all laughed at her exuberance. It felt so normal and strangely comfortable around the dinner table. Bits of information Mom had mentioned earlier in the week filtered back through my brain. How Jim was also a widower, which meant we all had something in common.

  I wasn’t sure how much Mom had shared with Jim about our past and as the familiar shame prickled the back of my neck, I pushed it away. If Jim and Cathy thought any less of me, they didn’t show it. I breathed a sigh of relief.

  Cathy leaned over Mia’s highchair to smile at E
lijah and me. “So, are you guys together or—”

  “He’s my roommate,” I replied as my cheeks burned. I had trouble looking at my mom or Jim for that matter, but if he minded or was one of those uptight pricks, he didn’t show it. Maybe I liked him already. My parents had definitely fallen on the more conservative side and I couldn’t remember ever discussing any LGBT rights or issues as a kid. By the time gay marriage was legalized in this country, my mom was still reeling from my father’s death.

  “He’d be way too fussy for me anyway,” Elijah added as he buttered his second cob of corn. “With all the bath bombs and hair products.”

  “Oh, I’ll get you back for that,” I said, narrowing my eyes and kicking him under the table. The little shit. But there was a light that had returned to his eyes as he smiled goofily at me. He seemed relieved I was actually having a good time, like maybe everything would be okay. Eventually.

  “Which reminds me,” Mom said suddenly and I thought for sure she was going to ask about Sarah or some other random girl. “How come Brin didn’t come along?”

  Elijah’s wide eyes swung to mine. Why was Mom asking? What had reminded her—the hair comment or the boyfriend comment?

  “I…I don’t…” I sputtered over my plate.

  “Brin’s been sick this week,” Elijah supplied, after clearing his throat.

  My head snapped up. “He has?”

  “Yeah,” he replied, looking sheepish. “Whatever crippling virus I had a couple weeks ago has been spreading around the shop. Brooke got it, then Tristan, now Brin.”

  My heart lurched. “Did he see a doctor?”

  “I think so?” Elijah replied with an arched eyebrow. I knew I was being overly dramatic. But it felt like I hadn’t seen him in ages and now he was sick and fuck, I missed him.

  “Is Tally doing okay?” I asked, trying to sound offhand as I took my last bite of chicken.

  Mom was watching me across the table and I just knew I had somehow given myself away. Would she wonder why in the hell I seemed so concerned about Brin? Well, screw it. Maybe I’d simply confess everything. What did I have left to lose? She was the only close family I had and she was clearly moving on. I could already feel the world shifting right beneath our feet.

  Elijah shrugged, his eyebrows knitting together. “Maybe text him later and ask yourself.”

  After dinner, we stayed outside to enjoy the warm weather. Mia watched the birds and ran around the backyard playing with a ball she’d brought. The house seemed to brighten again with a toddler around. Like it had been boarded shut for years and we were finally allowing the light back in.

  Mom had disappeared at one point while I was talking half-heartedly to Jim about the engraving business, and a few minutes later I found her in the kitchen bent over a saucepan on the stove.

  “They’re great, Mom,” I remarked, figuring she needed to hear it. “I can tell you’re happy.”

  “I am,” she responded over her shoulder and when she glanced back at me, her gaze was wary. “It’s nice having some noise in this house again.”

  “Yeah.” I swallowed the lump in my throat. As I stepped toward the sink to wash my hands a familiar smell hit my nostrils, except I couldn’t quite place it. “Need help with anything?”

  “Won’t take much longer,” she replied as she stirred the clear liquid around. “I’m making chicken noodle soup for Brin.”

  “You’re what?” I took a step back, my voice pitched. “Why would you do that?”

  She certainly hadn’t done the same a couple weeks back when Elijah was sick.

  “So you can take it to him,” she replied with a wry and tender smile. “It’ll help him feel better. And then you can talk it through or whatever it is that needs to be done.”

  My heart knocked against my chest. “Talk what through?”

  After lowering the heat to a simmer, she turned and met my gaze. “I’m not going to pretend to know everything going on in your life. You keep some parts of yourself…private. What I do know is you’re a wonderful son—always dependable, generous, and caring.”

  I dipped my head feeling the flush rising from my chest all the way up to my ears.

  “But things have been off around here for a long time,” she said, reaching for the kitchen towel and wiping her hands. “We both know why that is and we certainly don’t need to rehash the tragedies in this family.”

  I nodded as I held my breath waiting for whatever else it was she needed to say.

  She placed her hand on my shoulder. “And then a couple of weeks back it all became crystal clear to me. I hadn’t ever seen such a glimmer in your eyes. It lit up your entire face, and made you even more handsome.”

  I white-knuckled the counter feeling lightheaded, my eyesight blurring as if all the carefully arranged pieces of my life were about to unravel. Recognizing my breathing had become labored, she reached for a clean glass and filled it with water from the tap. As I swallowed the cool liquid, it helped ground me.

  She gently reached for my chin. “Honey, it’s time for you to start living. And I mean really living. Becoming who you were truly meant to be.”

  “Mom, I’m not sure I understand—”

  “Don’t, Nick. You know exactly what I mean. Let’s stop tiptoeing around each other,” she replied, briefly placing her finger against my lips. “I’m a grown woman and can take care of myself. I’ve had some major bumps in the road, and with your constant, unwavering support, I’ve gotten through them.”

  She looked over her shoulder toward the wall of photos. I followed her line of sight and though I couldn’t exactly see the details of Zoey and me in the center snapshot, I had already committed it to memory.

  “You can’t honor her memory by going through the motions. Just so you won’t rock the boat again.” Her hand skimmed across my jaw, bringing my attention back to her. “By only pretending to be attracted to women to please me. Or to give me a grandbaby.”

  My throat tightened with emotion, threatening to choke off my airway.

  “And certainly not by hanging onto your dad’s business when it’s not something you enjoy.”

  “I do—” She cut me off with one intimidating glare.

  “You can’t make up for Zoey’s life by putting yours on hold only to give me and your dad what you think we’ve missed.” A sob tore from her throat. “Do you actually believe I wanted to see my child living with so much pain? I would’ve taken it away from you in a heartbeat.”

  She pulled me into her arms and I crushed my head against her shoulder. “That’s what I was trying to do for you—I’m the one who ruined our lives.”

  “It could’ve been me in that car or Dad. To this day I don’t understand why you had to shoulder so much at such a young age.” She drew back and swiped at her tears. “I don’t think we’ll ever know. Except maybe to make you who you are today. One of the most remarkable human beings I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing.”

  My breath caught in my throat. I wanted to deny all of that so badly but instead, I kept silent, trying to make sense of everything she was saying.

  “I’m sorry that you’re still living with so much guilt and shame—carrying it around for all of us.”

  I gripped her shoulder. “Don’t be sorry. It’s the right thing to do. I owe it to—”

  “No!” She gently pushed back from me, but firm enough to make her point. “The only thing you owe any of us is to use the gifts you’ve been given and to find your own happiness. That’s how you truly honor their memory.”

  She found a Tupperware container and began ladling in the soup. I was merely focusing on breathing as I took in all of her words. The ground had indeed rumbled beneath my feet and shifted. I gripped the counter unsteadily as she slid the lid on the container, slipped it into a plastic carrying bag and handed it to me.

  “Now get going so you can start living. I’m going to do the same,” she said, glancing through the window toward the backyard where her future awaited her. “Make so
me new memories that feed your soul. If not with him, then somebody else who knows your heart.”

  Except there wasn’t a somebody else. There would always only be a him.

  34

  Brin

  I’d just finished brushing my teeth when I heard a knock on my door. Tally immediately began barking and I groaned, my forearms resting against the sink. I glanced at myself in the mirror. At my messy hair and sallow skin, my red nose and bags beneath my eyes. No way I was in any condition to see somebody.

  Washing up in the bathroom had practically drained all of my energy, and all I wanted was to lie back down in bed. I was definitely better than I had been all week, my hacking cough as well as my stuffed-up nose were pretty much gone, but I still felt weak and certainly could use one more day of rest.

  I considered pretending I wasn’t home but Tally had continued sniffing at the door. Glancing through the peephole, my hand froze on the door handle and my heart ricocheted to my throat. Nick was standing in my hallway, holding some sort of plastic bag and I hoped like hell Elijah hadn’t strong-armed him into coming and delivering leftovers to me, especially knowing they were headed to Mrs. Dell’s house this afternoon.

  I smoothed my unruly curls and looked down at my ragged T-shirt and sweat shorts. At least I was dressed and didn’t stink. Too bad. I hoped.

  When I pulled open the door, Nick’s face lit up and he smiled shyly in my direction. My breath quickened simply at the sight of him leaning on my doorstep, with his snug jeans, tight T-shirt, and perfectly styled hair. Holy fuck, I wasn’t sure if I’d ever get over this man.

  It was only one second flat before Tally charged toward him, her tail wagging a hundred miles a minute. “There you are, you pretty girl.” Damn, that throaty sexy voice. He bent forward to rub beneath her chin as her tongue lapped at his fingers.

  “What are you doing here?” I looked down at the plastic bag he was holding, getting a decent view of the large Tupperware container inside.